Readers' Submissions

Playground Part 3

  • Written by FKK
  • December 1st, 2005
  • 9 min read


I've been in Thailand for 2 years. I planned to stay for 6 months max. I'm 20 years old. I can finally get into the nightclubs in Bangkok but I've been too busy living in Pattaya. I used to despise this place, but now I see it for what it is, a fantasy land where one can do (almost) anything. It can be a bit intense & crowded at times, but peace & quiet is only a 5 minute speed down the Sukhumquick.

A few interesting things have happened since I've been here, it's been like some adventure movie. To be honest: there was at least one time where I thought I wouldn't be here writing this. Definitely gives you a new perspective on life. None of us are immortal, no matter how many times our teerak tells us we are.

My Thai is getting pretty good. I can hold a decent conversation with most locals. It makes going about daily life much easier. I've even laughed out loud at some of their variety shows. One time I pulled up to an Internet shop. There was an older, fatter lady sitting out the front who made a crack about my hair to the guy sitting next to her. She said something about me looking like a soldier. As I got off my bike, I clicked my heels together and promptly saluted her.

Another time worth mentioning was when I was hanging out with a couple of older female friends. They're not bargirls, and it's nice to chat with them and hear what they think about everything. So as we're talking, a man walks buy selling durian. I had never tried the stuff due to the smell. They convinced me to try it and I couldn't even swallow a small bite. I commented on how it smelled like a dirty vagina. They found this quite amusing and then got into quite a serious conversation about how some BGs don't wash themselves. Well I don't quite remember the comment that did it, but I interjected with something hilarious and one of the girls heaved and threw up! I had never before induced vomiting verbally in English, let alone in a foreign language. I was proud.

On the sole occasion I picked a girl up from the beach, I spoke only Thai with her. We might've had a few exchanges in English, but it was all Thai. Anyway, we get to a room and her phone goes off. It's one of her friends. As they're talking I'm getting prepared when all of a sudden my girl says "Kuy gub mun mai?" (Do you want to speak to him?). Except she used the pronoun "mun", which is for animals or if you're referring to someone in a very disrespectful manner. "She want talk you". As I get handed the phone I let loose with a stream of Thai obscenities. I tell her not to call me "mun" and hang up. Well, the girl was totally shocked, and she received a good shafting as punishment. (Since I wrote the previous paragraph, I've been in the company of many more bargirls, and this "mun" things seems to be the norm, so it's probably best not to take offense.) < Bargirls often use coarse language so do not take what they say as being good, or acceptable Thai in mainstream societyStick>

At the last Music Festival, I was walking around enjoying the sights when I noticed a Thai family next to me. There was a little toddler who was lagging behind and the mother said something to the extent of "Quickly child! Stay close or the farangs will get you!" I was shocked. Are we now replacing ghosts & bogeymen as the best way to scare the children?

There's a short-time hotel very close to my house. One day I was driving past, and a couple pulled out on a motorbike holding a baby. I thought to myself, "That was quick".

Last month I was getting quite close with this girl, she was pretty wild but I like that once in a while. She said some pretty weird stuff. One night we were in bed, she was lying down admiring me and she says "You know, I really wanna see your face when you shit". I didn't stop laughing for a while, and no, she didn't get to see.

Some Thai DJs really get on my nerves. There's one popular practice of interrupting a song with a pointless announcement. Then repeating this. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over……you get my drift. This must be stopped!…..

Due to the locals' inability to properly pronounce my name, I've always had a random Thai nickname. Every 6 months I'd get bored of the name (or learn to realise how stupid it is) and change it. This proved to be quite handy. The girls especially, have an uncanny ability to remember my face, even after the briefest encounter and the longest period of time later. I forget everyone immediately. But now when a girl approaches me and calls me by my name I get an idea roughly when I met her. My depleted long-term memory kicks in and I always get it. (Although it might take 10 minutes of me standing motionless in deep thought.)

A few weeks back I was in a popular nightclub, I was with a current girlfriend and we were having a drink, enjoying our night. She excused herself to the bathroom and I saw this as an opportunity to dance for a bit. I walk over to the area where the band normally plays. When I dance I get really focused on what I'm doing and I take up a bit more space than the average clubber. I'd never had a problem. This time was different. A Thai girl decided to pass by me without looking where she was going. As she passed me unnoticed from behind, I spun around quickly. My elbow was sticking out and it connected with the side of her head. HARD. Very very hard. This packed a proper muaythai punch. I froze. I was totally shocked and looked at this poor girl to see if she was OK. She fell forward and collapsed on me. I caught her and held her up. She was in my arms for what felt like a good couple of minutes. I kept saying "I'm sorry" over and over again. It was a very strange, intimate moment. She was quite sexy now that I remember it. After a silent embrace for what felt like ages I felt so bad that I asked her to hit me back. She didn't want to. She then picks her head up off of me and says "Look at my forehead!". I examine her head for a few seconds and a smile comes across my face. I was just so relieved that I hadn't hurt her TOO badly. "I don't see any blood"……She goes silent for a second then just 'snaps.' "NO BLOOD!?"- She swings and punches me around the side of my head. OUCH, I deserved that. But as soon as I think it's all over, *POW*, I get hit again. And again. And again. I couldn't bring myself to stop her. After 5 hits I shield my face with my arms. After 10 hits security sees what's going on and the guard pulls her off me and escorts her back to her chair. He then walks over to me as I stand in my place dumbfounded. He gives me this look as to say "What the f**k was that about?"

"Accident", I say.

"You better go over there". I walk slowly back to my chair, checking if my face is OK. I stumble back anticipating safety….. But my girlfriend is waiting at the table giving me a deathly stare. She got back to the table and looked over at me. All she saw was me hugging this girl, then the girl stepping back and beating the crap out of me. Some witnesses explained to her what happened and she was alright. Actually, she wasn't. She wanted to take on the girl! This was enough for me, I split.

I'd like to mention how turned on I got from a girl beating me up. It was unbelievably arousing.

I was on a small island one time when I discovered what looked like a shrine. I walked up and looked inside and couldn't help but laugh at what I found. It was full of dicks. They were made from wood and there was all sorts of shapes & sizes. I walked away and approached a German guy I had met. I told him I'd found the Temple of Dicks. He said he'd seen it and I should get back to him when I find the Temple of Pussy.

I don't see a lot of birds in Thailand. By birds, I mean the flying animals. Whenever I drive and hear a bird whistling, I always think it's a cop telling me to pull over.

Annual "Worst-Tasting Water" Competition
1. Nestle
2. Minere
3. Tap Water

I wonder how many bike accidents can be attributed to getting whiffs of roadside vendor chili in the face? That really stings.

Thai women are so amazing that nothing I can say can describe how much pleasure I enjoy from being in their company. I feel so privileged to have come here so young and to have experienced the country with so many wonderful women.

But alas, I remain befuddled. What's best for me? A Western woman or a Thai lady? Or an Eskimo? I've learned so much here, not just about relationships with Thai women but all women. I'm assuming with all this esoteric that I'll have no problem with girls as I head back to the Western world…..

Many Thai people have migrated to the West. If they can do it, so can I.

Stickman's thoughts:

What do you do for a living down there?