Stickman Readers' Submissions December 17th, 2005

My Ass

In a previous submission, I referred to my girl as ‘Kai Lek Lek’ because of one of the pictures of the Chicken Little cartoon character that she liked. In this post, and in any / all subsequent submissions to this site, I will refer to her
as ‘Cinnamon Girl’ or ‘CG’. As I was beginning to write this, she came in from taking a bath… shivering, and telling me she was cold. I gave her a hard time about this because she didn’t believe me when I said
I was cold. I told her she was telling a story and she said “story my ass”. Of course, that is “story <comma> my ass” but I am intentionally leaving out that bit of punctuation except for places where I want to
make a point. We’re up visiting the family and, believe me, if there’s one thing I’m not going to miss when we leave, it’s taking a bath with ice-cold water.

We’re talking. An aunt wants to take her to see some fortune teller. CG wants to know if the baby is a boy or a girl but she’s afraid to go to the fortune teller because he / she (I’m not sure) will be rambling on about the future and she doesn’t want to hear anything bad because she will think bad. She, like most Thai, believes in the fortune tellers. Anyway, as she is getting dressed, I remark how pretty she is and she says “pretty my ass”. Ever since she began to show, CG thinks her body is so ugly. Doesn’t matter that I think otherwise. But, I digress and I’m getting ahead of myself.

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CG likes when I teach her some English slang. She picks up on it very easily. One of the last things that I taught her was our use of the phrase ‘my ass’. This came about because she said something to me that I didn’t believe and I said either “my ass” or “<whatever>, my ass”. Actually, at this point, I don’t remember the exact conversation anymore. And she said “what is that?” With her accent, and the way she draws ‘that’ out, it sounds really cute when she says it. So I explained how it means essentially the same thing as ‘kee mong’. I probably also threw in ‘bullshit’ at this point. She doesn’t say that one much. So now she uses ‘my ass’ a lot but she uses it correctly.

Normally, when she says this, we’ll have a playful argument but she’s usually right. Sometimes I will admit to pulling her leg but other times I’ll have a bit of fun with her. And the outcome is usually the same. Usually, when I have a bit of fun at her expense, she gets back at me. If I’m giving her a hard time and then try to kiss her, she’ll turn her back and say “kiss my ass”. I should point out here, that in this instance, what she is saying is “kiss, my ass”. We haven’t covered ‘kiss my ass’ yet so she doesn’t understand the nuances of that expression. If we go back to the “pretty my ass” example, the way this played out:

MD: You look very pretty in that blouse

CG: Pretty my ass

MD: Yes, it is a pretty ass

CG: Kee mong

And this is followed by her biting me on the cheek. But it could just as easily have been a kick to the seat of the pants, a pinch of the ear, a bite of one of my fingers or, her favourite, a bite on the chin. She likes to bite and I usually let her do what she wants. She tests the boundaries of what she can do constantly. And that’s ok. I want her to have fun. She couldn’t do anything like this with her previous boyfriend. Each day she comes a little further out of her shell. Any time she does something that she thinks might hurt, I see the concern in her face. Or maybe it’s worry.. worry about how I might react. I constantly have to reassure her that it’s ok… “chawp jep nid noy”. But, again, I digress.

As I was just back to the States for two weeks (more or less), I rushed out to the province to be with her after one day at work. And I started that day at 3:00 am so that I would make it to her home before she was asleep or before I was too tired to get there. She didn’t know I was coming because I wanted to surprise her. I let her believe that I would not get there until the evening of the following day or possibly the morning of the day after that. Having a four-day weekend at the farm was nice. We’ve only been back in Bangkok a day and, already, we both miss it. Of course, I don’t miss the cold baths. But it’s dark when I get there and she knows I’m tired. Some times, I think she knows me better than I know myself. Generally, I massage her every day. Occasionally I might miss a day if I come home from work very late. When I spoke to her on the phone, as I was on my way there, she mentioned that she hadn’t had anyone to massage her and she really wanted one. No problem for me because I like doing it. But I get there and we’re getting ready to go to bed and I ask her if she still wants the massage. She asks me if I’m tired and, in fact, she knew I was. But I didn’t want to disappoint her and, truth be told, I think I enjoy giving her the massages as much as she enjoys receiving them. So I say “nid noy” and she responds “nid noy my ass… you be asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow”. She frequently drops the trailing s. But she was right. So I made sure not to lie down and I started giving her a massage. Generally she will go right to sleep. This time it was me. My head didn’t even have to hit the pillow. I kid you not.. I fell asleep right in the middle of massaging her. I was exhausted. In fact, I’m surprised I didn’t kill myself / someone on the way there as I was falling asleep the whole way. I think I had slept maybe four hours in the previous forty-eight. Some time during the night, I woke up and finished what I had started. It is amazing to me how easily she tires since becoming pregnant. But a good massage usually helps her feel better.

During the weekend, we went to visit some other family. Still within the same province but over 100 km away. We had a good visit and, as is our way, we had an ongoing banter about the merits of life in the States versus life in Thailand. This usually involves me stating how the US is better in some way or taking a direct shot at Thailand. She responds in kind and takes her shots at the US while elevating Thailand to some lofty position that I certainly don’t believe it deserves. One thing you have to admire is the sense of pride that they have. Anyway, while I don’t remember the exact statement I made, it was something along the lines of “<something in / about Thailand> sucks”. Now remember that she usually drops a trailing s. So, in her girlish way, CG leaves me with these parting words as she goes up the stairs and disappears into the house: “suck my ass”. As I’m hearing these words, and watching her as she walks away from me, I’m thinking… that’s another story.

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