What Did You Do During Ramadan, Daddy?
Would you believe it? My first day of leave is the first day of Ramadan. My last day of leave is the last day of Ramadan. Four weeks in Indonesia during Ramadan. Mmmm. Thoughts are set in motion. One week Singers, one week Bangers, another in Vung Tau and a final week in Singers again. So Friday night, the seventh of October sees me checking into the Negara Hotel around eight o’clock. The business centre and the cashiers are behind plastic sheets being renovated. Hook up with an old friend, Jeff, in the towers just across the road from the Negara. It’s like staying in the Nana Hotel. Dana would approve, bars and hotel are under the maximum allowable distance. We chat a while then go our separate ways. I’m walking past the Passion Bar and I stop to chat to the bouncers (old friends) when this sweet young thing comes flying out of the door, leaps up, grabs me around the neck and wraps her legs around me. Bernadette (No, I am not telling you her real name). Long time, no see. We swap phone numbers, again (is it just Asia or do all females change their phone numbers every few months?), and try to make plans for Sunday, her day off. I go in and have a drink with her. I’m sat down, she’s leaning against me doing her best to get me horny (she did that at the door!) when she tells me I’m making her wet. I say, “Bernadette, this is Chris, why are you trying to bullshit me?”. I’m sat against the back wall, she’s facing me, it’s dark. I hear a zipper then my hand is grabbed. Christ she IS wet, and shaved. Well I can’t very well argue now can I. So we make a date for Sunday.
Later that night meet up with Jeff again in the Top Ten. He’s found a really beautiful Vietnamese girl for his friend to play with (Jeff’s a bit of a pimp at heart) but she wants three hundred dollars. No way says his friend. (Standard rate for long time is two hundred sing dollars tops.) Off she goes. Now we fast forward, through the beers and pool games and I’m in the Cowboy bar when these long lashes brush my cheek. I laugh softly at her and tell her she want crazy price. “My friend not want you, why you think I want you?” “Price up to you mister.” Weeeeell! I can’t very well argue with that either. She’s sweet enough. Name’s Sen. Not her real name as I see from her passport when we’re discussing visas later. She’s only here for two weeks and needs to make a thousand dollars to break even. I think I’ll help. I’m just one of nature’s philanthropists.
Hell, Sunday’s already come and gone and I was FAR too busy to even touch the keyboard. A major problem with the five floors of whores (Why do people call it the four floors of whores? Can’t they count after a few tiger beers?) are the new closing times. Some bars close early at one o’clock. Most of the hotter bars close at four or five. Naughty Girl is open until seven in the morning. This makes for fuzzy mornings and confusion on waking. It’s dark outside. Is it early morning or early evening?
Negara Hotel rates before I forget. S$180 a night (needs negotiation, that isn’t rack rate, about $100). Internet access is a little pricey at S$26 ($15) a day but you can do it by the hour if you’re not a heavy user. Room service is adequate
and cheap but why bother, you’re surrounded by dozens of excellent restaurants. Tony Roma’s, Underground (Singapore has English language teachers too), Black Angus, Modestos, 3 Monkeys (the best for price and variety). If you like
Thai, the best around is Korat in the Towers open from seven at night until the early hours of the morning. If they’re full (and they frequently are) Jane Thai on the top floor is ok. Let’s face it, the Towers are full of Thai girls.
Where you find Thai girls you find Thai food. A good steak in Black Angus is about S$30 ($18) so reckon on $35 for two of you. Korat, S$15 for the two of you for most dishes, great value.
Monday lunchtime and I’m in my favourite travel agent booking a Bangkok, Saigon, Singapore ticket. I leave my passport and two photographs with them (This is not Bangers, this is not a problem). On Wednesday I pick my tickets and passport with a Vietnam visa in it and hand over S$900 ($530). Cheaper than I could have got booking on the internet. Special promotion she says. Amazing isn’t it, every time I need to book flights, there’s always a special promotion on. SQ, TG then SQ.
So mindless debauchery except for two nights with the same girl (that means she’s a steady girlfriend so it doesn’t count as debauchery) and before you know it I’m checking out and heading for Changi on Friday lunchtime. Taxi from Negara to Changi is S$20 including tip, (which isn’t needed) same as the drive in. Five o’clock and I’m already checking in to the Majestic Grande after a comfortable drive from the airport in an airport limousine at 700 baht.
This is an absolutely superb hotel except for one problem they have in common with the Negara. No damn printer. I want to hook my laptop up but they want me to use the business centre’s machines and a networked printer. Please don’t tell me to just copy the files over. I don’t use wurd fer windoze. Aside from that the hotel was great. Get unpacked, sort the laundry bag out for tomorrow and see that they have express service, three hours. Let’s risk it. Test time or time test. I should worry, two and a quarter hours later and it’s all back. I love this hotel. So I’m out of the hotel that evening at nine and into Nana. Where else? Noticed Ball in Hand as I was walking up towards there, must keep that place in mind.
A relaxing drink or two in the beer bars before venturing into Playskool. Very nice, but the girls are a little aggressive. Three of them on you and no way am I paying for three lady drinks (just yet). I pick one and she sits with me. I try to talk to her but she’s only interested in being barfined. I watch the show for a while. Certainly some centre-fold material here but I wander off and go upstairs to Angelwitch. Four girls covered in soap suds. One on one. Great show. Anyway, that show’s not going to be beaten tonight so I wander out and find an oasis amidst the dens of pleasure.
The Big Mango. Two floors. Bar downstairs, great view of the plaza, three pool tables upstairs. I spend an hour in there waiting for my erection to go down after Angelwitch. The girls are fun. I lose, frequently. Then once more into the fray. I find On in Go Go Bar X. (Obviously not its real name, you’ll see why later.) Not the most beautiful but good fun and most important, she wants to be with me. You know the difference. The waitresses in there are fun too. I could have cheerfully gone home with most of them. Anyway, we go home. She is …. aaahh, and she doesn’t want to run off early. We crawl out of bed at three in the afternoon. She goes home, I go over to Nana hotel coffee shop and try the black pepper steak. I’d certainly recommend it. I was a little hesitant at first as all I’d read seemed to imply the Nana Hotel was a bit of a dive. Far from it.
That night, once more into the fray! Hollywood, Rainbow 4, Hog’s Breath (what a name for a go-go bar!), Playskool, Lollipop et al. With a break for pool of course. I end up in the Voodoo Bar. Number 51. Very nice. Forget her name. I barfine her and we go out for a quiet drink. I told her I wanted long time. Her idea of long time is six in the morning. Sorry darling. Damn, already early morning. I head up to Go Go Bar X, On is still there. I’m straight in and barfine her. She gets dressed and joins me, along with most of the staff. It’s nearly closing time. Only myself and one other punter. She jumps back up on stage and starts dancing. Holy shit. It’s the horniest show I’ve ever seen. She’s pulling the other girl’s G-strings off and throwing them at me. One of the waitresses stands next to me, cute little thing with braids, and pulls her skirt up and tells me to pull her thongs down. I tell her I’d rather wait until later and watch On doing it in my room. She thinks this is a good idea. I’m surrounded by thongs watching On licking the other girls.
Eventually mamasan calms them down and the place closes up. On sits next to me. She’s soaked in sweat. They’ve all given a sterling performance. I tell On about the waitress. She’s ok with it. All the girls are eventually dressed and pour out of the changing room (toilet) and we head off to eat. Girls peel off to the left and right shouting good night and eventually just myself, On and two other girls sit down to eat. Not the cute little waitress. Ok, communication failure, my fault. We have another great night. Except for one small event. I’m giving it big humps and I get the big happy. As I slide out she grasps my cock then looks down in horror. I see her face, I look down. We both look at each other, eye’s wide. To a duet of, “Waaa!” we run to the bathroom, jump into the bath and turn the shower on. The condom’s burst. Big scrubs all round. The shower head disappears inside in her determination to be clean. She wants to go home early today, one o’clock lunchtime. I go to the British Pub for a good feed and watch the Chinese Grand Prix. You could forget you were in Bangers sat in that place. Another thumbs up from me.
Sunday night once more into the Plaza. The usual ground floor quiet beer bar cruise. Then up to Go Go Bar X. On’s in the toilet so I say hi to mamasan and please let On know I’m around then I go up to Big Mango for some pool. You realise this is getting serious. Three nights now. Back to Go Go Bar X after an hour or so and On has already been barfined and left. Dammity. Or mamasan didn’t tell her. Round to Silver Star and the most stunning girl is right in front of me. I smile, she smiles. The most exquisite bum, I want to leap up and bite it right now. I sit down, she finishes her set and sits next to me. Can long time? No can, short time only. Big sighs. I head out. After denial of perfection I don’t feel like playing tonight. I have a few more beers down on the ground floor. I am obviously looking miserable as one of the staff decides her main job that night is to make me happy. She succeeded admirably. Thank you my darling from whatever bar that was, next to Pharaohs, no, not Lollipop, other side. Anyway, thanks, even if you did leave at eight that morning.
Monday night I realise I’ve never been on the third floor. After the obligatory (by now) games of pool and a relaxed cruise around the second floor including Angelwitch (but it’s too busy as usual as I, and everyone else, seems to think it’s the best bar in Nana) I head up into unknown territory. The first bar I try should be called Zombie. I don’t think I finished my beer. They weren’t even doing the Nana Shuffle. I move along to the next place whose name escapes me but they have a mechanical bull in there. I order a drink from an impish looking girl who insists on pointing out all the other girls and telling me how good they are. I don’t think so. She wanders off and I let my eyes roam. There’s a set change and Impish Girl is back pointing out the fresh delights. She’s bouncing on her toe’s whilst doing it. I slide along my seat and look her straight up and down. Ok. I order another beer and ask her if she wants a drink. I ask her other things when she gets back. She’s over the moon, I think I’m going to get laid right there on the seat. When she calms down she drags me up to the bull control panel and sits me down while she does a spell. When any of the girls try, I get her to swing the bull round so that her arse is pointing at me then slam the bull’s rump up and down. Ah, sweet sound of smacked bum cheeks. She never stops laughing. Eventually we end up back at my place. She’s great. The only slight problem is whenever I’m about to come, she bursts out laughing. This tends to put me right off my stroke. The only way I’m successful is to bury her head in the pillows and hump her from behind. I think she’s fallen in love with me. She does not take the hint that maybe it’s time to go home. I ask her what time she starts work. Five o’clock. I tell her it’s four thirty. She is not happy about going. It isn’t until later I realise she wanted me to barfine her again. Ok, maybe later.
And it’s already later. This means I’m leaning on my cue watching this delicious bum line up a shot. Some of these girls are really nice. Pity they’re not for playing with – except at pool. As I pass Silver Star I think I’ll try again. I walk past the stage and my vision is blurred with a cloud of hair and a voice whispers, “Can tonight.”
It’s still early so we go down to Voodoo bar where she has some friends. It’s my last night and as I hate changing money at the airport I throw it around (well, ok, I buy three girls lady drinks). Exquisite Bum is nestled under my arm telling me that I smell so good (I do. I know this because Wan, my Thai girlfriend of over two years, bought it for me years ago because she thought it smelt great. You guys aren’t going to find out what all the Thai girls go ga-ga over, that’s my edge). My left my arm is being massaged by a pair of waitresses’ thighs whilst my shoulders and neck are massaged by her hands. In front of me (I’m on the front row) is another waitress massaging my legs. Heaven. Fast forward to much later. I throw the towel onto the chair. My hand slides down her back. My heart is racing in anticipation of feeling those perfect velvet mounds. But what’s this? I pull the sheets back and look down. I don’t believe it. That tiny triangle of cloth has managed to cover a huge pluke. The thought of having my nose scratched by that whilst I make her whimper does nothing for my libido. She’s not too happy about it either. I roll her over and give her big licks instead. Aaargh! I jump off and stick my tongue onto the sheets then scuttle around the bed making like a bulldozer. Into the bathroom looking for bleach to gargle with. Anything to take the taste away. All the old whorehounds will know exactly what this is. Once tasted, never forgotten. I sit on the edge of the bed and write on the hotel notepad and give it to her. “Take this to the doctor tomorrow.” On the notepad is written, “I have thrush”. So she has a ‘smoke’ whilst I try to imagine it’s someone else. In the early hours of the morning I hear the shower. I pull a couple of notes out from the hiding place and drop them on the T.V. She comes out fully dressed and I tell her to look on the top of the T.V. “Two thousand!”, she says in an aggrieved voice. I pick the clock up and say, “Five o’clock!” in the same tone. She flounces off.
So what have we learnt? If she’s with me two nights, I can remember her name (well, the one she uses in the bar anyway). If she’s fun and wants you, take her. If she’s not that pretty you can always turn the light out. If she’s too stunning to be true you’re heading for problems. I remember someone once said, “Ugly girls try harder.” Probably Dana. The Majestic Grande is a great hotel. Twenty-seven hundred baht a night. Call it seventy dollars compared with the Negara at a hundred. No problems with staff attitude towards the girls, just their ID card required, no extras on the bill. Late checkout no problem. Three o’clock and I’m on my way to the airport in the hotel limo at one thousand one hundred baht. Ok! I know. Next time, keep the phone number of the airport limo and book them to take you back.
Bangkok Airport is the pits. I thought the ninety minutes to get through immigration on arrival was bad. Going out is worse. Five hundred baht barfine for leaving. Another forty-five minutes in the immigration queue, then thirty minutes in line for a security check (Thai only it seems, other airlines straight on). Eventually I’m on Thai to Ho Chi Min. What the hell has happened to Thai? It was number two behind Singapore Airlines. This flight was as bad as British Airways. Tiny seats, no leg-room, joke service. Thankfully only an hour and a bit to Vietnam. Immigration and customs were fine, five minutes tops. The renovated arrivals is much better organised. Limo desk and taxi desk are right next to a money changers. I should mention that you can’t buy dong outside the country. I took US dollars from Bangkok airport with my visa card so I just changed a couple of hundred there. No hordes of taxi touts outside. Limo to Vung Tau was only sixty dollars. It’s a two to three hour drive. This I don’t understand, seven years ago it was eighty dollars. Saigon has changed in the last seven years. I think it’s changed in the last seven days if the limo driver is anything to go by. Eventually he finds the right road to Vung Tau. We get there ten thirty at night. At eleven we are still driving around. I tell him to just head for the beach. When he eventually finds the beach there’s no problem. Turn left, u-turn here, turn right, stop. The Seabreeze hotel is closed for renovation. Great! I walk over to the Palace. They have rooms. I just throw my bags in and go to the Summer Wine.
Not even time for a shower. It’s already eleven thirty. I am hot, sweaty, tired and totally disorganised. US dollar in the left pocket, baht in my right and dong in my shirt pocket. One thing has not changed here is bar closing time. It’s when the last customer leaves. So I relax and have a few beers. Sweet Young Thing and I go back to the hotel. This is not good. They require me to check her in and give her a room key?!? This is the cheapest room in the place but it’s still an unexpected expense at 430,000 dong, about $30. I am knackered. I just fall asleep wrapped around her. In the morning we fool around but she is either a shy virgin or bloody useless. I’m assuming long time price is tied to beer price at times twenty. It usually is. For example; Indonesia, Bintang is Rp15,000, long time is Rp300,000. Singers, Tiger is S$10, long time is S$200. Bangers, Heineken is 90 baht, long time is 1800 baht (or thereabouts). The last time I was here, long time was exactly twenty beers so today’s rate should be four hundred thousand dong. That’s what she gets anyway and she doesn’t seem upset.
At lunchtime we go to the Mermaid to eat. This is a new restaurant next door to the Summer Wine and is owned by the same guy, Mike. The food is good. The menu is fairly varied. You could eat here for a week and not be bored. She goes home and I walk along
the sea-front. I was looking for those little bar/cafes that used to be every two hundred meters, but they’ve all gone. Why? Sad. It’s great when the tide’s coming in. The waves crashing against the jetty, the cry of the seabirds,
the sweet sound of, “One more mister?”. I go back to the hotel and check internet availability. Only in the lobby area and restaurant, but it’s free. I sit in the restaurant just next to the door with the transmitter over
my head. The signal strength is ‘Excellent’.
There’s an ATM machine in the lobby of the Grand hotel just next to the Palace hotel. This is better than all that paperwork in the bank that we used to have to wade through years ago just to get a few dong. The Vietnamese equivalent of a 7 Eleven is just across the street. For eating there’s the Mermaid, the food in the Palace is good, the Grand is even better. Most bars serve food. Snafu has excellent pea and ham soup that serves as a good breakfast (if you’re the sort of person that’s looking for breakfast at noon). It’s a good stomach liner. The sort of soup that you can drop your french roll in from a meter high and it doesn’t splash. Hot Gossip has some quiet tables at the back of the bar for serious sit down eating. Across from Hot Gossip on the corner is another good restaurant but the name escapes me. Heineken is twenty thousand dong (a dollar thirty), however, ladies drinks are out of order. In the good old days (the last time I was here) if you asked a girl if she wanted a drink, she asked for a coke, which came at the standard price, ten thousand. Now they want expensive cocktails at fifty thousand. If you’re sat with three girls it gets silly. That’s just ten dollars you say! Yes, every thirty minutes. How fast do you drink a bottle of beer?
Nguyen Trai Street is the equivalent of Nana Plaza. All the entertainment you could want is within walking distance. If you want to go further afield there’s a moto-taxi bugging you every time you set foot in the street offering fresh bars, fresh girls and dubious alternate entertainment. In the early hours of the morning the ‘night riders’ appear. These are girls on motor bikes that offer cut price horizontal exercise to the drunk and visually challenged. Some of them are really ugly. By the way, standard rate I’ve since found out, is five hundred thousand for long time. Negotiation is sometimes difficult because of the language. You can’t be subtle about what you want, “Would you like breakfast?” gets you nowhere. You need to ask them straight out, “Do you want go back hotel and fuck?”. You can’t barfine them, you have to wait until they finish work at the ‘nominal’ closing time which is either twelve thirty or one thirty. If there are still enough customers in the bar, it’ll stay open for them but she can leave with you. Just as in Bangers, reception want the girls’ ID cards so be careful of those girls that are working illegally, i.e. no ID card. Sorry Ngung, I love you but can’t play.
On my last night I have a big blow-out and ring the bell. I wake up in the morning with Whatsername. I don’t remember leaving the bar. Whatsername is a professional pleasure purveyor of the highest calibre. I’m not going to go into detail with what she did but I gave her a million dong.
Limo to the airport was only fifty dollars booked from the hotel. Airport tax is $12. Departure lounge is nothing to write home about. Adequate. Flight back to Singers was uneventful. Checked into the Negara again. Still no printer. It was already nine o’clock so straight over to the dark side. (The five floors) Paradise bar has closed down. I find one of the bar staff handing flyers out for another bar. She flies into my arms like a long lost lover. I’m dragged into the bar and have to do the dutiful husband bit. She sits, “yada yada yada”. I sit, “uh-uh, uh-uh”. When she’s all talked out she looks much happier. What else has changed in the bar scene in the last year? Genevies is now Gold Dust and you have to pay to get in. Being a tightwad I can’t tell you what it was like inside. Harry’s Bar has opened on the corner next to the KTV lounge. Two floors, live band downstairs. Zombie seems to be getting busier these days. The location sucks. Most people don’t know it exists. Which was nice. Can’t get a pool table? Come with me my dear, I know a place. Now, both tables are in continuous use. Most of the other bars haven’t changed much. The sex shops seem to be merging. The one next to Chequers has moved down two floors and is opposite its rival. So now all your rubber and lubricant needs are in one place. If you’re buying some of the bigger toys, don’t forget the battery charger. Be careful with the stockings and suspender sets, they are really flimsy. If you’re using them as a bridle when you’re riding, they will break.
So it’s another week in Singers and I am being a bad boy every night. My flight back to Balikpapan is eight in the morning so on the last night I decide to ghost it. Cute little girl falls out of Ipanema with me around four o’clock and we go to the 3 Monkeys to eat. Beef Fajitas. My favourite. Come with me my dear whilst I show you how to get into the Negara Hotel in secret. You never ever walk into the lobby with a girl. You go down towards the Palais Renaissance, past the Peranakan restaurant and turn left into the underground car park. Down the ramp and use the car park lift to the first floor. (The lobby is on the second floor) At four thirty in the morning it’s deserted. Into the normal lift and straight up to your floor. The only people who know you’ve had company are housekeeping. In she comes, we shower together. I’m laid on my back. She’s astride me. Bouncing up and down, squeezing her breasts and moaning. I look up at her angelic face and think, “I wonder if there’s anything good on TV.” So now you guys know what four weeks of non-stop bonking can do.
If only I had time.