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The Second Time Around

  • Written by Carl
  • November 7th, 2005
  • 45 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

Intro

This turned out to be pretty long even though I typed 90% of it on my Axim as I went along while in SE-Asia. Must be getting pretty quick with that stylus thingy. I made my first trip to Thailand in early '04 with my girlfriend. Like most Western men, I was immediately smitten with the place and its women. Upon return to the states, most of my days had some level of thought about Thailand and what could have been if I had gone alone. I had the bug for sure and was soon planning a solo return somehow. Believe it or not, I was smooth enough to convince her of an innocent agenda. It really did include some legitimate, non-naughty tourist activity. It was planned to be and was a physical vacation with a lot of biking and hiking through the towns and remote areas. She is a lay by the pool and pamper me kind of girl when on vacation, so what I had in mind did not interest her (if she only knew, hehehe). Also in the plan was some additional research into the property purchase/living in Thailand deal while there. What follows is the result.

Bangkok

There were certainly many more people at immigration this time. Loads of Russians / Eastern Europeans here now for some reason. On the first full day out and about, I noticed many more, how shall I say, "well fed" Thai girls this time. And these were not middle aged women either. Under 30, rotund, and still constantly eating. I guess economic expansion can be synonymous with gastronomic expansion. To skip ahead, after being in the North, unbelievable how many farang are in Bangkok. The place is saturated with them. MBK was probably 15-20% westerners. I might as well have been back home. There is nothing “exotic” about Bangkok anymore IMO. On the way out at Bangkok airport, I actually saw a group of what sounded like tat-covered Aussies, 2 of which were walking through the airport without shirts. Real nice, you guys are just the coolest ever. Really an awesome display. Everyone else thought so too.

So on the first evening in Bangkok, I waste no time and hop the BTS and make my way over to Cowboy. Not really impressed with what was there and was about to leave, but then the shift change happened and a fresh batch rolls in. Ah, this is better. Got to talking with one cute girl I’ll call “B” and barfined her rather quickly. Went right back to the hotel and got busy. She was a very tight fit and was having way too much fun (if that’s possible) on top of me. I thought she was going to break me off she was bucking so hard. So after we finished and she slides off, I look down and can’t believe what I see. A shredded condom. The combination of her tightness and enthusiasm was just too much for 50 microns of latex. Oh shit. But at the time, I was a little buzzed and didn’t really get overly concerned about it.

So we get cleaned up and head over to meet her friend at the pool place over on the same street as NEP. I can’t remember the name of it, but nice place with lots of tables. They are older tables, but are actually great to play on and the girls were really fun to play with. After a few hours of that, I tell them I have never been to Rainbow 4 and would like to check it out. OK, sure lets go. So at 11:00 or so, we go on up. Some pretty girls up there. We sit towards the back and have drinks and some guy from Israel starts talking to her friend. I find out he is in the same business as I am and we all get along pretty good. The big complaint I had about Rainbow is that there were about 20 Japanese or Korean guys right up front and every one of them was chain smoking. It was just fucked because they were putting up a wall of smoke and it was even gagging the girls up there. I know these guys spend big bucks in there, but come on. At least get some exhaust fans over them to suck that shit out of there so people can see and breathe. “B” asked me if I wanted to take any of them out and I said no, I want to go back with you again. She smiled and gave me a kiss. One of the dancers there I’ll call “I” knows the two I was with and she came over to talk with us between her time up there. After she left, “B” told me that when “I” worked at big dogs she hardly ever got barfined. But at Rainbow, she gets barfined every night. Yes, every night for the last 10 months. Some money being made isn’t there? Especially if she’s boning those nicotine-stained Japanese guys for 3,000 baht a shot.

So, we say goodbye to the friend and have another great time back in the room with a different brand and no problems this time. The next morning I try to pay her, but she refused saying that I covered for her and her friend last night and she was OK. Cool. We go our separate ways and later in the day, I now start to think about the broken condom and what that could mean as far as HIV etc. My mind starts running a bit and I begin to get pretty worried about this. I was down there already, so I decided to see what preventative measures could be taken down at Bumrungrad.

Wow, what a great place. This hospital is superior to most anything of what I have seen in the states. Very efficient. I was registered, had my card, and was seeing a doctor in about an hour. I tell him what happened and he says my risk is pretty low. I ask how low is low? He says about 1 in 200. What?! 1 in 200. That is not low. He says that he can give me the Combid 300 as a post-exposure treatment, but I have to take it for a month and I won’t feel very good. He says the best thing to do is get the girl back here for testing. I say OK, but what if I can’t find her or she is unwilling to come back for testing? So, I tell him just give me the stuff so I can start taking it just in case, since you have to start taking it within 48 hours of exposure. He says OK, but I will only give you 5 days worth now since it is expensive. If you find her and we test her negative, just stop taking it. But if you can’t find her or she’s positive, then Ill give you the rest.

OK, so I get it and take the first one while trying to find her down there. Let me tell you guys/girls, you do not want to take this shit. I don’t know how HIV positive people live with taking AZT everyday. If I had to feel like that everyday, I think I would just eat a bullet and be done with it. I felt totally poisoned and nauseated without being able to vomit. So I go down there and was told she’s not there right now. Probably barfined. Shit. Fast forward to the next day. I find her! I explain what I would like to do, that I will pay for everything, and she is totally OK with it. Actually is happy that I am willing to get her tested. So we go down there and within 2 hours have the result. NEGATIVE! On HIV and “not reactive” on some other thing they listed as VDST or something (possibly VDRL which I believe tests for various STDsStick>. What a relief.

So after that, we are happy and even though I still feel a little sick, we have lunch at the hospital café. Hey, this is not bad food at all. It’s freshly made right there and cheap. Way better than any hospital cafeteria slop here. So, an afternoon and entire night back at the hotel again. So, next morning, it’s time to say goodbye. I try to pay her, but she refuses again. I don’t understand this, but I’m not complaining. I tell her I will find her when I come back to Bangkok after Cambodia, but I never will. Time to get on the plane to Siem Reap.

Cambodia

Bangkok Airways is a fantastic airline. Not cheap, but very professional staff and clean, newer Airbus. Touched down and got through customs in 10 minutes flat. Got a taxi to the Mandalay Inn and was impressed with the place. Great location right near the old market and within walking distance to all the action in town. The room was $15/night and while not “luxurious”, it was totally acceptable and clean. Actually better than most of the places I stayed in the UK for 60-70 pounds/night. First thing was to get some money at the bank since there are no ATMs there. Did that, and then felt like exploring the place a bit. Quickly discovered that Siem Reap alternates between a muddy shithole and a dusty shithole. There really is no in-between. Disabled beggars, moto drivers, and children at every turn waiting to assault you.

So, I tuck in to the Angkor What? bar to get away from the hassle and get a beer. Find that the place has no locals in it at all. Westerners only. Even the bar staff is not local. Not so friendly either. Not unfriendly, just not real conversational. So here I am in this mud pit, and go in the Angkor what? bar to relax with a cold pint. Not 2 minutes later, I hear the awful sound of an Indian accent to my distant left side. Sure enough, there is a "friendly" well-dressed Indian in a turban talking to some other tourists seated out front and coming my way. God damn it! I just flew out of Bangkok to Cambodia and be rid of these assholes. So here he comes as I clench my jaw. "Hello, how are you sir, fine day today". "Its raining like hell", I say. "Oh, I am expert on future and rain stopping within 1 hour". "Yes, I am expert on your future too". "No thanks", I say. "Sir, I show to you", and then the guy actually tries to grab my hand to read my palm. I pull back and tell him "Believe me, I don’t want to know what’s going to happen and you won’t either if you ever touch me again". "Oh, sawdeey sir, you having a bad day." "Yes I am, now fxxx off". And fxxx off he did. Looking back now, I shouldn’t have been so harsh with the guy, but I was just in no mood for that shit right then. After that, I knew I needed transport other than from the moto guys because they seemed to be just a bunch of little scamming pricks and I wasn’t giving them one cent. So, I rented a brand new mountain bike from a girl who ran an internet service for $2/day. It was fun to ride around town with the locals especially during “rush hour”. Made me wonder where all these people work and where the hell they are all going. Fun to pull up next to a guy with 50 freshly slaughtered chickens tied to his Honda Wave. Or be next to 3 freshly killed hogs on a sidecar cart.

That night I felt I really needed a massage. So I did the 4 hands massage. 2 cute Khmer girls laughing and tickling me during the massage. There was another western guy down several mats getting the same thing with his two laughing and having a great time chatting in Khmer with my two girls. I told him that I think they are having more fun than we are. He agreed, but it was a great massage with those two working me from end to end. So I feel good and relaxed now and walk over to Martinis to see what is there. It's only about 10 PM, so there was nothing there. Totally dead. I had every intention of getting up early to see the temples at sunrise, so went home like a good boy and got a good night's sleep.

The next morning, got on the bike and rode to the ticket booth and got my pass, then went into the temple area. I passed a few local kids on bikes and one of them caught up with me just to talk while riding. Very friendly people with kids saying “helllooo” all the time. I have heard some say that the Angkor complex is over-rated, but I did not think so. It really is quite an amazing place. What is amazing is that I can still climb all over the things. I wonder how long it will be like this. If one was to slip and fall down those steep steps, you would not escape without some serious damage. But that’s what makes the place, and all of SE-Asia great. The lawyers and corporate boardrooms have not totally ruined things yet. I rode all over the place that day. About 50km total. Ta Prohm was superb with very few people there. I was able to sit with my eyes closed and listen to the sounds of the forest in this ancient place without any people around. Very moving experience. If I had a little of the opium, I think I would still be there in “the zone”. On the way out, stopped and chatted with a girl selling fresh chilled coconut and I had her make me one. Cold coconut juice is the best thirst quencher there is. Then she split the thing open so I could eat the rest. Very tasty. During this time, her little girl was doing something over in the corner and I paid little notice. But after about 5 minutes she came over to me and handed me a picture of a flower that she had drawn and colored in with a big, shy smile. It was precious. I put it in the photo album next to her picture.

The next day rode to Preah Khan. Met some nice Kiwis who are teaching in China. They told me about purenz.com for tourist info since I told them I was interested in making a trip there and to Tasmania next year. There was a bit of confusion at first because he kept telling me p-u-r-e-n-zed. Zed? OK, p-u-r-e-n-z-e-d. Right. No. Zed, just Z. Ah, stupid American never heard of Zed before. Great site and I’m looking forward to the trip. Took a tour of a few temples in town by a few monks. Great guys and both spoke really good English. Some very new paintings and temple areas being built there. Really vibrant colors on the paintings at Wat Bo. Was making my way back into the old market area and came over the bridge to another Wat. Saw some people in the covered area and decided to get some pictures. Got out my camcorder and began to film a little bit. Some little Khmer kids saw me and came over and started giggling and having a great time looking at each other on the LCD display. I rewound it so they could see themselves over again and then it transferred over to the MotoGP race I had filmed at Laguna Seca. I had already transferred it to DVD so I was overwriting the tape. The kids watched this and I tried to explain what it was, but I don’t think they could comprehend what they were seeing. 300km/hr motorcycles just didn’t register. They were a lot of fun and really happy. The parents came over and chatted with me for a little while before they had to go back and tend to whatever business they were up to at the temple. By that time, it was time to get some dinner, so back to the room to get washed up.

That night, started talking to a cute little Khmer waitress I'll call "S". Started chatting her up between customers, and she tells me of her recent, first trip to the Cambodian beach areas and a tip on a great, cheap guesthouse there if I ever go. She is showing me cell phone pictures of her trip. Soon, we are making some physical contact as I start touching her skin on her arm commenting on how nice it feels from the ocean salt water and her new nail art she got there. We continue with some laughs and she is receptive and responds with some squeezing of my knee (a sure sign if there ever was one). I soon ask if I can meet her after closing to go dancing at the local Khmer club I saw. Sure, she says.

So I go to get cleaned up, and come back when I was supposed to, but no "S". What?, she stood me up? Shit. 10 seconds later her co-worker grabs my arm and says "S" left early to go back home to change. Ah-ha, Ok. So 15 minutes later, here she comes in this black skirt and aquamarine top. Very, very hot little package. We go to the club and it is definitely jumping, but off the charts loud. We dance a few songs and I motion that I want to go outside to the bar area. I needed to get out of there, I could actually feel the insides of my ears coming loose. Not since the Pantera "Far beyond driven" tour have I had that happen (RIP dime).

So, we get to chatting, drinking, and soon realize I am going to rip this girls clothes off and do her right there on the table. So while she was looking ahead, I gave her a kiss on the neck below her ear. She smiles and gives me playful slap on the arm in return. I tell her she is just too sexy to be left unkissed, sorry I couldn’t help it. But I would like to do better next time if she would let me. She says, I like you, but not here please. Not wasting any time, I tell her I want her to come with me back to the room at Mandalay Inn and have drinks. A concerned look comes back from her. Oh shit, I pushed it too far, too fast didn’t I? She says "you staying at Mandalay?, I know owners there, I cannot go". "And I live with Mom". Fxxx, of all the luck.

So, thinking quickly, I tell her the owners are probably sleeping and I will go in first to check things out and let her in if all looks clear. She thinks for a second and with a reassuring nod and smile from me, she agrees. Oh yes! So, here I am sneaking around like I'm in high school again. What great fun it is. Turns out, the night door guy is totally passed out and won’t wake up for shit even while I tap the glass door with my key. Another pissed-off guest opens the front door for me. After he mumbles off scratching his ass, I motion for her. Up we go and get right into the shower. No towel bit, just right into the grind man. A little thicker in the bum than what I expected, but still 150cm of pure pound cake. She was an animal grabbing at my neck and biting my nipples. I knew what she wanted, to pick her right up and onto me. But after the mess in Bangkok with the poison medicine, no way without a shield. Carried her off to the bed soaking wet, put on the horrid thing, and you would never know she was worried about being discovered. I had to cover her damn mouth since the neighbors were pissed off already and I had selfish reasons for preserving her anonymous presence so I could get seconds tomorrow. She got so sopping wet down there, I got scared that this girl had started her cycle right there on top of me (they are known to do that). I got up to check and all was ok, just starved I guess. "S" was great fun and we got on well in and out of bed over the next couple days after she got off work and I was finished with the temples for the day. Emails were exchanged and now making plans to return to the beach areas of Cambodia with her next year. <Does her family have a buffalo?Stick>

Even though the temples are fantastic and I was fortunate enough to find a regular girl to spend some time with, I would say that overall, Siem Reap is not worth a shit. The place really is a dirty, muddy hole with some really nasty freelancers walking around. I will never go there again, but look forward to meeting up with “S” in Phnom Penh and a trip to Kampot/Kampong Som.

*A note to bar owners in Siem Reap. Torn fabric and warped, pitted pool tables do not add character, it adds stupidity. If your only customers are drunken louts who are only playing as a prelude to a nasty shag with one of the local whores, fine, but some people might like to have a game of pool on a playable table*

On the way out of Siem Reap Airport, I triggered the metal detector and the girl with the wand flagged my pocket and asked me to empty it. Guess what. Condom wrappers are metallic. She got a laugh out of that and so did I due to the irony of metallic condoms. Just what I needed in Bangkok.


Luang Prabang, Laos

Flew in from Siem Reap, connecting in Bangkok. Immediately cooler in Laos. Checked into the Sala Prabang hotel right on the riverfront. Beautiful views of Mekong during sunset. Rented another bicycle and rode over and climbed Phousie hill and got some great, scenic pictures of the town and the monkeys they had there.

Afterwards, some old bitch tried to scam me for 5000 kip for locking my bike to the street sign after I bought some flowers and incense from her for Buddha. While she was trying to explain why I had to pay her in very poor English, I was unlocking my bike. I made a gesture indicating that I will get my wallet and pay, just hold on while I unlock. So she shut up for a while, confident that she had succeeded. So after unlocking, I just got on and rode away with her yelling, flailing her arms. I love it when they think they have scammed you and you end up scamming them.

Riding around, my back was getting a little sore from being bent over since the bike was not really adjusted well for me. So I started to ride and pedal sitting straight up riding around town with no hands on the bars. The local kids really thought this was something and were yelling at me like they had never seen anyone do that before. They must never have watched any freestyle BMX in their lives. If they only knew what is possible. So I stopped and got some lunch at a café on the main road. While eating, in the corner of my eye, I detect a 1911 .45ACP is pointing in my direction with a man behind it gesturing with his other hand to “hand it over”. Disturbing for a few seconds until I see that the barrel opening is far too small and the weapon is a replica. So I go from concern to pissed off pretty quickly since I have no tolerance for a gun being pointed at me regardless of intention. So I look up and see a toothless old man with a sly smile. OK, you’re an old man trying a new angle to scam a few bucks. But know that if you were my age, I would have beat you senseless with that thing. And try that in the states and you would likely be shot where you stand. Find a new tactic.

Took a truck ride to Kwiang Si waterfalls and took lots of photos. Really beautiful setting and swam under them with the others that were there. Saw some bears and a tiger that they had in the area. That night went in search of nightlife. Lots of crazy teen guys racing around on their modded, buzzy 150 cc bikes. I guess every teen guy has to have his version of a hotrod, but it made me grin to think what they would think if I pulled up next to them on my FJR1300. They would probably think it was from outer space. The sound of the Remus pipes alone would probably make small children wet themselves. Found that the place is really loaded with homosexuals. There are some of the most blatantly gay men I have ever seen anywhere in the world walking around in Luang Prabang. Not dressed like ladyboys, but extreme, overt femininity walking like they have a durian shoved up their ass. Sickening to say the least. It’s a beautiful place to take a girlfriend for a romantic weekend, but really not for a single male traveler unless you’re a stool pusher. So I realized there just wasn’t much here and decided to get out of there a few days early. The plane to Vientiane was booked, so had to take a bus. I booked it, and it was supposed to be VIP. I got there at 6:00AM and sure enough the bus said VIP on it. But it was a piece of crap. I got in and saw that there was a burned out hole where an electric motor had caught fire and fell through the ceiling panel. Asked if the A/C worked and he said no. So 11 hours through the Lao mountains. Pretty countryside and got to see lots of villages. One thing I can say is that the Lao people are very clean. The villages are about as spotless and well-kept as possible. No garbage or other crap out of place. Like I said, it’s a quiet romantic place to bring a girlfriend, but pretty much a waste of time coming alone.


Udon Thani

Got off the bus in Vientiane and got a taxi to the Friendship bridge in Nongkhai. It was great to be back in civilization again. The ride to Udon was uneventful and stayed at the City Lodge. Huge room for 900 baht. Friendly service and good food. Also was a great location right by hospital and ring road. The Irish clock is one of the nicest pubs I have been in anywhere. The owner has really gone over the top with this place. It doesn’t belong in Udon, too damn nice. He spent big bucks on this place. I would stay there next time if I ever go back to Udon, but I doubt I will. I have read some other recent reports of guys going to Soi 2, 3, 4 etc. for a bit of fun. You must be joking right. I wouldn’t step foot in these places. Rough and nasty is being kind.

So, went to full moon pub and the place was good for some eye candy, but the place was basically a skim joint where some girl is sat with you just to make sure you buy as many drinks as possible. The girl that sat down with me was 18 years old and very cute. I made it abundantly clear I would like to take her out of there, but she said she doesn't go with customers. She probably does, just not with me. So, as far as I'm concerned, she’s basically window dressing. And then the dancers come over and grind a little bit and then ask for 100 baht for a minute of ass on the crotch.

So after about a half hour of this, I had enough teasing, and made my way over to Mr. Tong's bar. Place was lively, but seemed to be a close-knit local crowd and hard to break into. Also, apparently many gay Thai guys come here, which I was not aware of prior. I people watched for a while, and finally made contact with a fairly attractive girl. Talked for 10 minutes or so, then she goes to the toilet. Comes back with her girlfriend, and we chat and then they ask if I want to go party with them. Ahhh, now were getting somewhere. So we leave to the sidewalk to find her car and their cell phones come out. Ok, we find the car and she introduces me to her 2 male "cousins" who are going with us to the next club. Ok, now I am prepared to crush the larynx of these 2 if I have to, but I stay calm and tell them I have had enough for tonight and am leaving to go home. Thanks for inviting me. "Oh no, it's ok, please come", she says. I say, "I’m sorry, maybe tomorrow I'll see you guys there at Tong's". I walk away looking side to side. I am sure I could have taken both of these guys, especially if I took the first one out quickly. But with 2 girls biting, clawing, and whatever else they do, it would have been very, very bad indeed. Regardless, I would have been at an extreme disadvantage and will never allow that to happen while still conscious.

Next day, drove to Erawan cave on Highway 210. Fun to dodge the buffalo, scooters, kids, truck drivers, and any other hazard that may pop into your path. Once there, many "Farang, Hello" and kids running past, smiling and shy to say hello. The ones that do talk to me are all speaking Thai to me thinking any farang out this far must surely speak a little. Nope, not this one. Sorry. But I was definitely the only farang around there and was still a bit of a curiosity, especially to the kids. The cave is really very big with some interesting formations. One of which looks just like a huge penis right near the entrance. It almost looks like someone made it to look like that, but its probably natural. On the outside of the rear viewpoint, you can see that this part of Thailand is very pretty and green. Beware of the railing there if you go. Do not stand on it or even lean on it. Its metal, but if I gave a TIG welder to an infant, the weld quality would be better than what is on that structure. Lean on that and you will fall to your death. On the way out, had my first soda in a bag. Asked for a cola and she asks if I want ice. Sure, so she puts ice in a bag and pours my coke in it, puts in a straw, and hands it too me. OK, whatever. It's cold and wet. Good enough. So, I made my way back into town and played a few games of pool with some of the girls in Steve’s bar, had a few beers with them. But they are all of no interest sexually. All pretty washed up with kids, stretch marks etc. Guys actually pay them? Wow.


Elsewhere

I really hate to be an ass about this section, but after some thought I really can’t provide much detail about my activities during this part of the trip for admittedly selfish reasons. I know it's futile, but I have found there still are some unspoiled spots that need to stay that way for as long as possible <I bet it is Khon Kaen… Stick>. It's here that I met someone quite special. At the moment I saw her, I swear it was like I was living right out of the song "Sex and Candy". And there she was. Sitting in the spot where I liked to sip those excellent fresh tropical fruit shakes and people watch. I ask her if I can sit there and she said OK. I start typing some notes on my Axim and she leans over to see it and starts asking me what I am doing way out there. We chat for a while, I tell her where I am staying, write down my room #, and tell her that if she would like to go get a bite to eat sometime to call me in the room. Well, the very next morning at 9:00AM, she calls and wants to do lunch.

I find out she has a full time job in a graphics design firm, a new car, and stunning. How this girl is single is beyond me. I’m sure she isn’t and I’m just one of many, but she took me to her job to meet the co-workers and I had no gut-feel of deception from anyone at all. I don’t want to say she’s a “good girl”, because are any of them “good”, but in our 6 days together, I never saw any cell phone calls that went unanswered or "excuse me while I have to take this call" and then walking away to talk. I am the biggest skeptic there is and know better, but as far as the physical side, I knew she would be worth the effort. You still never know quite what you will find once you get there, but my instincts were spot on in this case.

She made me "work" 3 days for it, and it took me an hour of gentle coaxing, nibbling, and caressing to get through that damn towel, but oh my God. Absolutely fantastic. I know perfect little bodies are running around all over Thailand, but when you get one right there without any tats or piercings, well…its a bit of a rush now isn’t it? Biggest, erect nipples ever seen on petite Asian breasts. Tasty morsels to nibble on. But the best part of all was the genuine little shivers and gasps that the p4p girls have long lost from relentless pounding. And she was shaved clean down there to boot! Can it get any better? Yes, it can. I kissed every square inch of her and she was not quite prepared for that at first and was tensing up, but soon got into it and was thrashing around properly. I was in total disbelief that I have a 24 year old with a perfect little ass grinding on me FOR FREE! God, I love this place! After an hour or so of this, the poor sweaty little thing is clawing the sheets pulling herself back up to the pillows. I say "Are you trying to escape and get away from me already?" "Yes, yes, you crazy man!" she says. Then after cuddling for a bit and her head on my chest, she looks up and asks "Why you never have wife?". Uh, hmmmm, not really the conversation I had in mind at this moment, but OK. I guess I am just too practical I say. Puzzled expression comes back. Bad choice of words. "I am too cautious, I do not trust American women" I return with. I try to explain that marriage in the West is a pretty bad bet since a man has a 50% chance of losing half and even much more of everything he has worked for usually through no fault of his own. I tell her I can’t bet on something with odds that bad. She nodded her head and looked a bit sad. I guess that it is.

So several days of fabulous fun and sightseeing continued. She introduced me to street food I would never have touched before. Introduced me to ways of cooking with ingredients I had never seen before. We went to temples together and sent a Kratong on its way during the Loy Kratong festival. She was so cute saying her little prayers. We went bowling (god I suck at that!), and dancing most every night. After a busy afternoon, one memorable occasion was after a bit of an early evening nap, she began stroking me hard again. Her soft little hands were too much to take and I couldn’t hold back. She sees the result, and slaps me on the belly "Eeee-Ahhhhh!, you forget me, you bad man!" She was so goddamn cute, that within 1 minute I was proving how wrong she was. I haven’t been able to do that for quite a while. This has now become a continuing long-distance “friendship”, but I have a problem. I’m already in a live-in relationship with a Filipina who is actually a great girl. I don’t deserve her, but what can I say. Decent Asian women just drive me to do bad things with other decent Asian women. It was supposed to be a clean escape, but are they ever? It was hard to say goodbye, but I promised to keep in touch and have.


Pattaya – City of shit and piss

I really had no intent to go to Pattaya, but my flight back to the states got "Stuffed up" so to speak. So, I had a few days to kill, and had had enough of Bangkok. So I thought I would go to see what all the buzz was about. So I got the Ekamai bus to Pattaya for 85 baht. Air-con bus was OK, but 4 hour stop-go trip and no piss stops. In fact, about 3 hours into it, I was in agony and forced to use my backpack to block the view from the guy on the other side, and I actually pissed right in my empty water bottle. I was subtle enough whipping it out, he didn’t notice a thing and I didn’t spill a drop. Thank god I did this because it was Saturday evening, and the traffic through Chonburi and Pattaya was fxxxed and I would have split open.

I really do hate to apply the "shit and piss" label above, and it's merely my insignificant opinion, but I immediately found the city to be one of the most unappealing places I have ever visited. Millions of people go there and supposedly have a fabulous time, but I really don’t grasp the attraction at all. What you say? Oceans of available Asian snatch not attractive? Am I a queer? Certainly not, but now I fully understand why some say that no self-respecting Thai would ever go there. The place is a total embarrassment. And a news flash: Pattaya is not so much a paradise for men. It seems to me that it is a paradise for the women who ply their trade there. They get to fxxx like rabbits (I like those rabbit shirts they wear) with whom they want, drink and eat to their heart's content mostly for free, get taken to the island resorts, and get paid on top of it. And best of all, some or most get paid remotely from multiple suitors while not even providing "services". Wow, what a deal! Of course, it's not all milk and honey for them, but not too bad either. Men really can be quite stupid can't they. Or is loneliness so painful, they will do anything to feel that feminine connection, even if it is artificial.

I rented a Honda Wave and went to Jomtien Road. Traffic insanity! Why bring a car there? There wasn’t much fuel in the bike to begin with and I almost ran out of gasoline. No filling stations anywhere on Jomtien Road. Why should there be? There would be less room for "same same, but different" shirts and all manner of other crap. Actually, the whole city seemed like I was in a cartoon where you keep going but the same scenery just repeats over and over. Total overload of same-same bullshit. A guy can’t even relax on the beach after searching for a fucking umbrella chair without constant harassment. And I swear, if there was no law against making people "disappear", I would take great pleasure in ridding the earth of those Indian tailor touts. Did I say this place sucks? Saw some poor guy being beat with his own crutches by his Thai "date" right on Pattaya 2nd road. What a nice girl. She probably is on the receiving end of regular boxing from her Thai boyfriend, and now she's dealing out a bit of her own. To the poor fool on crutches: Shit rolls downhill brother, and you've found yourself at the bottom of the hill. Leave. Now.

Also fun to watch the young fools on sport bikes push past the rev limiter and pop the clutch with a girl on back. Ahhh, to be young, dumb, and full of you know what. Hopefully, they will get it over and done with before they have a chance to procreate and further contaminate the species. But in a momentary lapse of reason and longing for my bikes at home, I actually looked into renting a CBR XX that was out on the street. Sat on it and the brakes / steering / suspension felt OK, then I checked the tires. Holy shit! The front was so cupped, it looked like a cheese grater. The rear was way past the wear bars. This bike was not in a rideable condition to go across the street. I showed the guy and told him someone is going to die on this bike. He say, no problem, I change for you if you come back tomorrow OK? Not a chance chief. I can only imagine what garbage you plan to spin on there. If the tires were that poorly maintained, what else could seize up while underway? People really do put their lives at risk renting these poorly maintained, potent machines.

Overall, I found most girls worth being with already snatched up here. Anything fresh and cute appears to be quickly identified and otherwise "looked after" by the local, resident hounds. Most of what’s left appeared to be chaff and not really worth the time. I hate to sound arrogant, but a total downgrade from what I'm used to. But still, I saw some otherwise decent looking guys walking around with downright hideous women. I guess every man has his limits for SBU (sperm buildup), so there really are some ugly girls making a nice trade in Pattaya. Bizarre place to be sure. But, the girls really did seem to be much more friendly and attentive to the older men. It doesn’t take much thinking to understand why. Most of the guys over 60 looked like they were dying of cancer, or about to start. Who knows, maybe they are, and want to go out on a Viagra fueled bone-a-thon and plan to leave some cash for their little teeruk. Good on them I say. But regardless, some seriously self-abused humanity crawling around in Pattaya. I don’t know what I missed out on because I didn’t go into any of the a-go-gos since I have been to enough to know what they are, and that it is probably the more costly, high pressure way to bust a nut. And the merchandise is still pretty high "inchage", or maybe mileage is not too far off when you add them all up. In fact, if a girl gets barfined once a day and the average 7" guy does her for only 10 minutes, that adds up to nearly 25 miles of farang sausage in a year. Yep, these girls have quite an appetite don’t they? And luckily, there is a never ending supply of new meat for them to slobber on. The beer bar scene in general also was quite weak, with lots of hefty Korat girls in the walking street bars for some reason. Played Jenga with a few of the heffers since I was bored silly, but would never dream of barfining them. But the big fat guys in there were getting much playtime from them. These girls are definitely quick to know who is likely to pay out a monthly stipend.

Even with all the bad vibes around, I actually spent a good amount of time in one friendly bar I got into a bit. One slender, little girl who had a cute dance groove going on kinda grew on me after playing pool with her for a while. She was only a 7 or so, but attitude and energy counts, so I eventually barfined her and we went to the Lucifer disco and connected pretty well, but nothing like the chemistry with "S" or "T". Lucifer does have some nice scenery in it. There are some very hot women in there P4P or not. If I had known beforehand, I would just forget the go-go bars, just go there and pick up for free. After dancing for a while, she grabs my crotch and then says in my ear "you not wear underwear?" WTF? Yes I have, and I show her the elastic band. She gives me this evil grin and grabs at it and squeezes again. Ok, I guess this means she is ready to be fucked silly, or as silly as is possible after the 10,000th time. So we agree to go back and "get crazy" in my room. While in the hall about 10M from my room, her phone rings and its her sister saying to come back to bar. Some problem there. Ok, its not far, so we go to see what’s up. Turns out, its just a fake-tears, infantile squabble with her Brit boyfriend and grade school intelligence, drunken drama. "He call me buffalo, and tell me fuck off, ooooohhhhh, booohooo, waaaaaahhhhhh!" Quite entertaining for about a minute, then becoming excruciating to listen to. All my barfine wanted to do now was blabber on back and forth about this stupid shit and have one more Sang Som and soda. So by this time its 4am, all mood has been lost, she's half-pissed, and I began to realize I just wasn’t into this girl anymore. The chances of our time being any good were now less than zero. So I decide to cut my losses and tell her I am going back to the hotel alone to sleep. Thanks for the dancing. See you later. The look on her face was priceless. I don’t think anyone had ever said that to her before. She asked "You sure?", yes. "You sure?", yes, I'm sure. Then she just turned away in disgust while her bargirl friend just looked at me open-mouthed. I got out of there and was happy to get some sleep and be rid of her and that nonsense. I should have known better by now.

Sometime earlier in the evening I try to explain to one of them how drinking Sang Som everyday is going to make her get old fast and she will be getting sick from it. She says, "but I too shy and not happy if I not drink". All around the table nod in agreement, and clink their glasses in a toast. These girls really are living for today, and have no concept nor care that they will look and feel like walking death in 5-10 years. Sang Som is fucking nasty shit and not intended for human consumption. They kept trying to feed me that crap, but I was having none of it. I had my first little go of it in Isaan and could taste the bitter tinge of methanol. I swear, it won’t take much of that for you to suffer some damage. On the last day there, the street in front of hotel my flooded since it was raining for most of the time. And instead of the rain clearing the air like in a normal place, here it just releases the "essence' au shit" from every foul crevice. Shit hole place man. Glad to be getting out of Pattaya.


Summary

It was an unforgettable experience to see the region in such a compressed time. I saw some amazing sights, I met many great people, and many very desperate, and ill-intentioned ones as well. I had a great time and big fun with several of the girls there, but now that I'm home, I have a new found appreciation for what I have here. My girlfriend, friends, family, and the creature comforts I have been able to attain. Writing this section after spending the day leaning my bike into the twisties, then soaking in the hot tub with her and a bottle of wine really brought home the fact that a life in Thailand would not be an improvement. It was so easy to become disillusioned from the daily routine that priorities got lost and looking away to Thailand was a convenient escape instead of focusing on the here and now.

I had every intention of doing some serious planning for a move there in the next few years. But now after this second trip, I must say that the place has far less appeal to me. I can hear the applause now. Good for you Yank, stay home and bugger off while you're at it. More for us. Well, stay home I shall. While I did have a fine time in the UK last year and was treated very well, I now totally understand why you guys want out of there so badly. What the common man has to endure just for daily survival in the UK is akin to slavery. I really feel for guys having to deal with the cost of living, cultural diversity / social giveaway programs, and taxation nightmare like that. So, I guess everything is relative to where you are in life and what your expectations are. Asia and its women in particular still have a special place in my heart, but living there? Nah, a visit a year is enough for me. And even though I was fascinated by it all and really wanted to be an evil sex tourist and eventual sex-pat, I find it's just not for me. Overall, the big negatives I see with the p4p deal is:

1. Mandatory condom use. They just totally suck ass, and I’m not used to using the things with the girls I know well in the states. But you are out of your mind not to use one with these Thai pros.

2. No way to give oral. I really enjoy doing this for them because they really appreciate it and you get it back 10X. But there is no way in hell I’m going down on a p4p, unless I want a cauliflower to start growing on my tongue.

Also, call me old-fashioned, but I actually enjoy the courting and the challenge of getting a regular girl. The chase is a huge part of the fun and it's just more satisfying to me in the long run. And the regular, non-p4p girls I had time with were so far superior in quality and “chemistry” it's not even debatable in my mind. Very attractive, regular Thai, Khmer, and probably Lao girls are totally into us. You just have to be polite, take a bit of time with them, and not be so single minded. So out of the many "A sex tourist is born" stories I read on here, I guess this one should have been titled "A sex tourist is aborted". But I still have this unresolved situation with “T” to deal with. I know she’s probably banging some other guys right now, but who cares. I had a great time and have some great memories. I’ll be staying in contact with both her and “S” since they really are fun girls and when in town I will have no problem spending more time with them as long as they don’t start to take things too seriously. But p4p? I don’t think so. I found the quality to be mostly poor, highly over-rated, and totally unnecessary. And Pattaya? May it sink into the sea never to be seen again.

Stickman's thoughts:

Interesting report.

I have to say that I thought you were much too hard on Siem Reap. Sorry, but there was a time when America was a shitty dirthole too, not that long ago if Clint Eastwood and John Wayne were anything to go by. Remember, Cambodia is VERY poor.

And while Pattaya might not be for you, there are many who love it!