Pregnant – Now What
Like many of you who have submitted stories here, I have been thoroughly enjoying my time in Thailand. I don’t really care too much for Bangkok but isn’t that where we all end up? I’ll call my lady Kai Lek Lek since she loves the dancing Chicken Little cartoon character. After being together for what I felt was an appropriate amount of time to get to know her, we decided to dispense with the condoms and have her take the pill. I watched her take her pill every day and didn’t think too much about what would happen if for some reason the pill didn’t work. Lo and behold, a month later she’s pregnant. Now, I start thinking “How the he!! did that happen”? Is this kid even mine? After a little pushing, she finally admitted that the pills she was taking were not really birth control pills. I guess I got complacent and only watched that she took “a” pill and did not really notice how she was switching them with a mint. She was only more than happy to show me and she was really smooth. Now she wants an arm and a leg and, unless I’m mistaken, one testicle just for good measure.
I can see some of you shaking your heads and wondering how anyone could be so dumb. This story could probably belong to a number of people who never find this forum and maybe even a couple who do. Fortunately, it’s not really my story.
I’ve been in Thailand for about 8 months and with my girl for about 4 of those. For the record, she is not a bar girl (not that it really matters). I wasn’t looking for a girl when I got here and we just met one day in the building where I was working. She was working in a coffee shop and I had stopped there with my friends. I don’t drink coffee, myself, so I guess it was truly a fateful meeting. Shortly thereafter she started her own shop with a friend. We kept in touch and the relationship grew. And now it’s really growing because she is, in fact, pregnant. Before anyone even thinks that I got trapped into anything, think again. I begged her repeatedly to stop taking those [email protected] pills.
Who are we? She, as it happens, is from Isaan. And me, well let’s just say I’m NOT the old, fat, smelly guy at the end of the bar that everyone keeps mentioning.
I am writing to reflect on some things I have read here as well as to mention some unintended (and not so good) consequences of me having found this site.
There have been several posts saying how us farang do not have access to the good girls or the best girls (take your pick) or that we somehow always manage to pick the ugly ones. There was one which listed a whole set of criteria the girl would have to meet in order not to be considered damaged goods. Anyone reading through here and wondering whether or not you should pursue a relationship with a Thai girl that you find, I say go for it. Just be cautious but this goes for any relationship in any country.
Is my girl damaged goods? She doesn’t live at home any more, the baby is due after the wedding (more on that later), and she didn’t make me wait a year. According to one “authoritative” post here, she is most certainly damaged. But, hey, guess what, every last one of us is damaged goods. We’ve all got our faults. All that matters is whether or not you can live with her faults and she can live with yours.
Personally, I don’t think I could ever have a relationship with a bar girl and I don’t know how people do it. It’s not so much that I think I’m so virtuous either. Human nature being what it is, I truly believe that the farang will generally be the source of these relationships failing because he can never truly look beyond how he met her. So I believe, anyway. Yes, there will be the girls that are just after your money and there isn’t much that can be done about that. But I don’t think the majority of these girls want to be doing what they’re doing. The problem is, I don’t think most guys will be able to let them forget where they came from. We all (pretty much) fight dirty when we have a serious argument and I think that’s the first thing that will be thrown in her face. Initially, I think you can pretty much walk on her and get away with it. But eventually her pride (yes, even bar girls have pride) will override her desire for the “easy life” that she had hoped you could provide her.
Are all Thai men bad? No, of course not. But don’t necessarily dismiss out of hand the comment that “him box me” when your girl tells you why she has soured on Thai guys. Especially if you found your girl in a bar. Just what kind of a guy do you think will let his girl work in a bar? Exactly the kind that will “box” her. Especially if he thinks she’s enjoying her work too much. Or maybe he thinks she’s holding out on him. Either way, I have no doubt that it happens quite frequently. My girl was in a 3-year relationship with a Thai guy before we met. She had already left him by the time we met. In fact, I met him once when he came to try to get her back. Maybe he didn’t really “box” her, maybe that’s just a convenient excuse for the marks and scars that she has. Oh well, stupid me, I choose to believe her but then I saw what type of a guy he was. And just to be totally honest, when he showed up saying he was her husband, I believed him but we had not been together too long at that point.
Why did I settle for this dark-skinned, ugly Isaan girl? If I am to believe every opinion posted here, that’s what I’ve done. I guess it’s because I’m too stupid to realize that I should want a tall, anorexic, white-skinned girl. But, then, if that’s what I wanted I would have looked for one in America. And, contrary to what has been posted here, the girls in America have not been portrayed fairly. They’re not all fat frumps, I can assure you. But it makes me wonder about who keeps posting these opinions because most of the sex tourists that I see are not exactly desirable themselves. Bless these girls, I don’t know how they do it. But back to my girl. So, she’s dark skinned. Does that mean I’ve settled for less that I could get? I don’t think so. Is she the most drop-dead gorgeous girl in the whole country that should be easily obtained with my American salary (I won’t quote an exact figure like, say, 218k or whatever it was)? No. There are easily girls that would be considered more beautiful. The thing is I don’t really care what your definition of beauty is. For every girl you have, that you say is out of my grasp or that I should desire to obtain, I say…. Ok, so I won’t say what I really want to say. I’ll just say that I wouldn’t trade her for any other girl out there, not even for 10 of your girl. One thing I know for sure is that I love this girl and she loves me. Yes, I know a lot of you have been fooled by your bar girls but I know and I’m content in that knowledge. The only thing that I care about, as far as the Thai image of beauty is concerned, is what it has done to my girl. This is a portion of an SMS that she sent me early in our relationship: “Thanks for u think I beautiful. I know my body so black”. I have a love-hate relationship with this country (as with my own). While I do love it here, I also hate it for making her feel that there is something wrong with her. I fight with her about those stupid whitening creams, etc. Fortunately, we’re only talking about Nivea or Lancôme or some such. I don’t think these actually do any harm (physically). One thing she has agreed: if the baby turns out to be a dark-skinned girl, she will not let anyone make her think she is somehow undesirable because she isn’t white enough. It hurts me to see her feel that about herself but I’m working on changing her perception.
As for my idea of beauty, I know it is not shared by me alone. My family has only seen photos but they adore her. Between ourselves, we tell it like it is. They wouldn’t pull any punches if they thought otherwise but they would always accept her. And what of Thai guys? Apparently, they aren’t all averse to dark skin. I understand more than I can speak and, on more than one occasion, I have heard Thai guys lament (as we pass by) the fact that so many of the pretty girls are going with farang. Or the comments that have been made to her about her appearance. And I don’t think it’s a case of the guys thinking she’s easy because she’s with a farang. Granted, I think a lot of people do settle for the first girl to give them the time of day. But then a lot of guys do that at home as well. And if, at the end of the day, they’re both happy, then what of it? You can present your thoughts and ideas without trashing others in the process.
I thought it interesting also that someone said Thai guys do not give their girls money and they didn’t like farang doing it because it made it all the more expensive for them. It has been my experience that this is not entirely true. Guys that are in a position to give their girls money do so and I’m sure it’s not only the people I know that do this. Do I give my girl money? Yes. I give her money that covers the rent and all of our expenses. When we go out, she pays for everything. If she manages to put some of it aside, who cares? I moved in with her and what I give her is less than I would have paid for my own place. She is content where we are and so am I. We did look at a townhouse once and I was making plans to move when she decided she wanted to stay where we are. Maybe it’s the proximity to her work. Or maybe it’s the proximity to the hospital/doctor that she wants. Do I care? No, for me the only thing that matters is my proximity to her.
To sin or not to sin? In my opinion, I say pay the thing and don’t necessarily try to get your girl as cheaply as a loaf of day-old bread. Please don’t think they are necessarily trying to pull the wool over your farang eyes, either. Two instances that I know of, from Thai girls I work with. One married (more or less) a farang and 200k baht was requested/paid. There may have been some gold, who knows. Another is marrying a Thai and the price is 444,444 baht, 20 baht of gold and 5 pieces of diamond jewelry. In my case, I did not negotiate this with the parents. My girl said she would like me to give 200k and 5 baht of gold. This is where an unintended consequence of reading Stickman came in. This was also before I knew of the cases from work. I started looking at this in a very bad light and, to be honest, I didn’t want to pay it only because I didn’t want to be made to feel foolish after reading a number of posts on Stickman. We talked about this and I told her how I felt and especially how we did not do this in America. She said fine. If you don’t want to pay it, don’t pay it. But know that I cannot marry you if you don’t. She said she would not leave me but she would not marry me either. Eventually, I said fine. Seeing as how the baby is already on the way, I wasn’t about to get hung up over 200k. But I also didn’t want to be another contributor to her feeling she was worthless because I would gladly give her all that I have. And, to be clear, it was the 200k to the family that I had issues with. There was never any issue on my part with buying her gold. I realize how gold is used here when things are bad and she can never truly know if I would abandon her and the baby. But I’ve already bought about 9 baht and I’m eyeing a 5 baht anklet. I just don’t know if it will come before or after the wedding. I avoid the usual Chinatown gold and opt for handmade 24k items instead so it ends up being a little more pricey but, for appearance, there is just no comparison. My work has me travelling and due to the hours that can be worked, my preference is for her to stay with her family after the baby is born. I will bring her wherever I happen to be when it’s possible. Before you start asking, I don’t have any girls/children on the side anywhere else. But if I am working 70 – 80 hours she will pretty much be better off staying at home. So, I think that even if the family keeps the 200k, they will end up using it to care for my wife and child. All in all, I can find nothing to really complain about. And hopefully I can get to a point where I settle down (either here or at home, although I suspect at home) before the baby is ready for school because I honestly don’t want my child educated here.
One thing I also found in my girl was how reserved she was when I met her. But, with time, and the freedom to truly express herself and to be whom she wants, she has started to come out of her shell. It’s incredible to watch and I wish you all the best with your girls. It’s funny, too, having a discussion with someone whose native tongue is different from your own. I found it quite charming to hear her talk about the fingers on the feet. And try continuing an argument after you finish laughing when someone tells you “get out u face in my face”.
So, what then of the baby? Well, the baby is around 2 months along and I debated whether or not to say anything prior to the 3-month mark. I haven’t told my family yet but have told one guy at work who first mentioned that his wife was 2 months along. Personally, I’m hoping for a girl. I prayed for a girl and I’ve always wanted a girl. I don’t think I will love a boy any less but I really just want a girl. I want both and maybe I should want the boy first so that he could protect his sister. The ultrasound was unclear at this point but the heartbeat was unmistakable. Late next month we will go back for another. So the doctor says late June… June 23 to be precise but I think I want to wait for a more informed opinion after the next ultrasound. This seems to have been based solely on menstrual cycle. Now we’re going back and forth about whose birthday will be closest to the baby’s. One of ours is in mid June; the other mid July. Hearing the excitement in her voice when the pregnancy test came back positive was something I won’t soon forget. And the way she came running from the bathroom and jumped in my arms. Or how she is now reading everything she can get her hands on about how to have a healthy baby. Or drinking something she totally despises (Calcimex) because the baby needs calcium. Incidentally, Calcimex has been dumped for a high-calcium Nestle product that is more palatable. So far, the only thing I don’t like about the baby coming is that she tells me the baby will be sleeping in my spot and I’ll be on the floor. I think she’s only kidding. Hopefully my assignment will extend beyond the due date so that I can be here to find out. Otherwise, I don’t know how much time I’ll be able to spend here when the baby is born because, when I’m on an assignment, it’s hard to get an extended period of time off.
The wedding is in January. Initially I wanted a February wedding but she said Thai people don’t get married in February. I don’t know if that’s universal or just where she’s from. Either way, she said she would marry me in February if that was what was best for us. Best for “us”. After reading one too many submission on Stickman I never thought I would hear that. And so that was one more unintended consequence. I started seeing her in a negative light when I could twist circumstances to allow it. Stupid me. When she asked me “why u always think bad of me” I didn’t know what to say. Oh, how stupid I was. But I don’t do that any more. I certainly hope to see (or at least read, because I don’t read every submission… who has the time) more positive items on here. As bad as things can get, surely it isn’t all bad.
Any woman who switched the pill for something else in subsequently got pregnant, is someone who I would be extremely wary of. This to me is very highly questionable behaviour. If she got pregnant because neither of you were using protection, then so be it, but this sort of carry is very bad news indeed. I personally could never trust a woman who had done this…