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Football Fantasy vs. Bangkok Reality

  • Written by Conundrum4U
  • November 17th, 2005
  • 11 min read


Football Fantasy Versus Bangkok Reality

By Conundrum 4 U

Both Kev and Barry were 24 years of age, best of friends for many years and had a bond forged by a passion for football. They both worked for the same plumbing firm in England, money was good and as both still lived at home they had few things other than their love of football and drinking to spend their earnings on. The past season they had succeeded in traveling to every United home game, a fact that they both mentioned at every possible opportunity and were both very proud of.

As soon as United had announced where they would be traveling to play their pre-season friendly warm up games, Bangkok had been the place that stood out to both Kev and Barry to go to watch their beloved United. Booking had been made some 3 months in advance through a local travel agent and they had both been surprised to have been asked if they wanted to visit one of the islands in Thailand while they were there. What islands! they asked and looked in wonderment at the white beaches they were shown in a brochure. Both agreed that the islands were not for them as they would be boring and the entire coast lines did not seem to have any bars. Tickets for a 10 day round trip were purchased together with hotel accommodation in central Bangkok.

Kev wearing a United shirt and Barry wearing an England Shirt find themselves sitting on the Thai Airways 747. They had checked in early and asked for the very back row on the plane. This was Kev’s idea as he had flown last year for the first time to Alicante in the Cost Blanca for a week's holiday in Benidorm and had told Barry that it was for sure the best place to sit.

Kev could not remember the plane to Spain being quite so big but he was sure sitting at the back was the best place and as he had flown more times than Barry, therefore by default this made him an expert on this kind of thing.

As one of the Thai Airways stewardesses came down to start checking on seat belts and to secure the overhead compartments Barry gave Kev a nudge with his left elbow and then nodded his head in her direction. Wow. look at that! If they are all like that over there we are going to have a hard time concentrating on watching United play the 2 games. The trip to Benidorm Kev had made was with a group of football drinking mates for a 3 nights stag do.

Fiver says I pull first says Barry. Make it ten and I am in was the answer back. The pair then spent much of the next few hours debating how good the newly found Singha beer was from the drinks trolley and debating if United new boy wonder signing would play…

Kev was already starting to lose his hair and was getting a little conscious about the fact. Both were badly out of shape for their age with Barry being the larger of the 2 this derived mainly from too many nights drinking while watching sport at the local public house.

Barry had read up a little on LOS mainly to see what injections were needed for their trip. Bar talk at the local with a guy that had been to Phuket many years ago told them that the LOS being a Buddhist country, the chicks loved large guys with big bellies as it made them feel nearer to God. In knowing terms he told them they would be guaranteed of scoring more times than United on the trip. Patpong was a good place to go and you could get to see the local girls doing amazing things with ping pong balls. Both Kev and Barry wondered if this was true.

Both were looking forward to the next 10 days although they did not really have any firm plans other than watch the 2 games United would play in Bangkok and hang out at the hotel the players would be using. They both had a dream to maybe get to take a drink with a few of them if they were lucky. They both intended to make the most of the bar life in Bangkok in the evenings that they had heard a little about, sleep in as much as they could and generally agreed that they would have a good time whatever and would certainly visit Patpong early on.

Both did not sleep well on the flight and quickly learnt that the back row next to the lavatories is not a good place to be. As they first stepped out of the airport with the hotel driver that had been arranged to pick them up, the intense heat hit them hard and they were sweating like pigs within 2 minutes.

Their first day was spent at the hotel generally looking around discovering total culture shock and that they did not like the food whatsoever which was hotter than the air temperature. They took it easy trying to recover from the horrendous flight, which basically revolved around drinking as much as they could.

As early night time rolled in and the drink and dehydration started to kick in, they decide to go out into the city and have a look at this Patpong place. It was only right that they wore their best United shirts for such an occasion.

They get a taxi from just outside of the hotel ask the driver to take them to Patpong. “Very very far traffic no good no good I not take ” was the reply. "Nana nearer same same as Pat Pong I take Nana." Ok then, Nana it is.

As they enter the Nana complex some 20 minutes later they are taken aback by all the lights and girls asking them to go into the bars and they then see a large television on one of the outside bars and decide to sit down and take in all that’s going on around them and order a Singha beer.

“Look at that", exclaims Barry. ‘Fxxxing Arsenal re run game’ showing. They both agree that they did not come all this way to watch Arsenal playing on TV. Which bar should they go into? So many. “Let’s try that one in the corner", suggests Kev. Both are very nervous as they enter the bar and are shown to seats in the far corner and look at each other in amazement at the 10 girls dancing on stage and that most seats are unoccupied. A group of six very tall scantily clad giggly girls descend on them and one of the girls almost in pre-determined on automated pilot sits down next to Barry and puts a hand on his leg.

Sabaai dee mai how are yoooo”

“Hellooooo what's your name", asks a truly stunning girl in a very sexy deep voice.

“Umm Barry.” My name Chelseeee as a hand is offered to be shook.

“Where you from you very Hansoom man?” Umm, England.

“How long you been Bangkok darling?" Umm first time we landed last night we come to watch football.

“You buy lady drink?” Umm what! "You buy me drink" Ummm OK, why not.

Barry looks over to Kev who by now has a girl next to him an almost exact replica of the one he is with is with. Hey Kev this bird's called Chelsea. Fancy that, always like to fxxk Chelsea ha ha . “What’s yours called” don’t know what’s your name asks Kev “ my name Honeeeeeeey”

Some 90 minutes later very drunk and minus a 600 baht bar fine each which the concept of took both Barry and Kev some time to fully understand and sort out, are back in their rooms at the hotel with 2 drop dead gorgeous ladies of the night.

Kev had never seen a body as beautiful as this one before. As he lays on the bed, the breasts are magnificent best he had ever seen as Chelsea goes down on him in porn star action. He manages to last a full 5 minutes mainly due to the drink before he is curling his toes.

The last time he was this happy was when Eric Cantona scored the winning goal in 1996 FA cup against Liverpool.

Barry is much the same in his semi-lit room with Honey as she proceeds to screw him in the room like a dog on heat.

Breakfast late next morning is an interesting event as at first both avoid any conversation of the previous nights activities and are not wearing their morning hangovers well. But after a while they both swap details about their conquests. Barry boasting that he had done the dirty deed with Chelsea as he had made her wear his United shirt. How much you pay asks Kev “4,000 baht for 90 minutes, same as a cheap seat at United. I scored in all 3 goals ha ha", says Barry. "She was hotter than those XX rated movies I got she was so dirty." I’m getting another hard on just thinking about it.

The evening they decide to revisit Nana and in fairness to them both after the last evenings activities who could blame them. Once again they sit outside in the same bar as the evening before watching the television and drinking Singha. When they see a familiar football shirt on a middle aged-man in the same bar they strike up conversation.

You here to watch United, Barry asks.

“No I live here. I have been here for 4 years. Not sure if I will get the time to go to that one”.

“Name's John” as he extends a warm hand. “When did you lads get here” as if was written all over their faces. All necessary details are exchanged between them in quick bar talk questions and answers.

Kev buys the next round of drinks which include one for John, who then proceeds as many a good expat does in giving the lads free advise on some of the pitfalls in the LOS. And as a rule of thumb in general everything is not what it may seem on the surface.

“Such as” asks Barry “well take that bar in the corner for instance", says John. "That’s all katoeys in there 100%, mind you stunning looking most of them, bodies better than most of the girls working here.

Both Barry and Kev look at each other. Umm what’s a Katoey asks Barry.

“Lady boys, chicks who once had dicks. John’s reply sends a cold feeling into the pits of both lad's stomach as the penny finally drops. “It’s amazing what injections, a sharp knife and hormone treatment can do out here. You two could get it done if you're out here long enough.” But this light humored joke has already fallen on deaf ears.

I’m reliably told that they fuck like porn stars with the crafty insertion of a little KY jelly while you're not looking. You're not in much danger in the rest of the bars here, but my advice is stay out of that one; it’s for people who know what they are doing, Katoeys can drain your ATM machine faster than your balls.

Both Kev and Barry are as white as the England shirts they are wearing and the conversation goes quiet as John continues to tell them about not taking a taxi unless it has its meter turned on, but by this time neither of the pair are paying much attention. Their minds are occupied with what they did the night before, their minds are turning 10 to the dozen and they make their excuses and leave Nana rather quickly. Time in the LOS went very slowly for both Kev and Barry from that moment on, each logging onto various sites on the hotel internet computer sites that covered many questions but gave no real answers to their now growing worries.

One week back at work and Barry is feeling a slight warm discomfort every time he takes a piss and is starting to grow a little more concerned. In fact so concerned he has made an appointment with his local GP as he has heard many things about the water in the LOS and quietly kids himself that it could be the early stages of a kidney infection.

Role on one week as Barry has the thick end of a surgical swab pushed into his little eye. 15 minutes later he is pre-diagnosed with an extra little reminder of his visit to the LOS and how he got fxxxed by a bloke called Chelsea.

He had never felt this bad since United lost the championship on the last day of the season to Arsenal in 2002.

Funny thing was they both never mentioned this to each other and gradually started to lose contact as Barry left to set up his own plumbing business their passion for football and travel was just not there any more.

Stickman's thoughts:

As soon as you mentioned the "bar in the corner", you had me concerned!