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Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 103

  • Written by Dana
  • October 15th, 2005
  • 8 min read


Thunderbolts Out Of A Clear Summer Sky

Well, Noi and I are involved in our first pregnancy. I told her I wanted three girls all born a year apart, all delivered naturally and without drugs, all breast fed the first three months; and that I wanted all my daughters to look just like her. Well, we are 7 months into child number one and oh brother there have been some changes. The first thing that anyone would notice is that she is just huge. Elephantine. Humongous. Blimplike. Whalelike. This is the kind of pregnancy that you can see photos of in academic medical type books on pregnancy but that you don't see very often on the street. She is huge and getting more huge. Every morning she is bigger than the night before. Some mornings I wonder if at night someone sneaks in the bedroom and hooks a bicycle pump up to her and just pumps away. Or maybe in her ceaseless quest for food she is swallowing CO2 cartridges. Even though she is only 7 months along she now looks like she is shoplifting TV's from Mike's Department store under her shirt. And everything is bigger. Everything (If you get my meaning). Her hands and feet are clublike, her face is now moon shaped, her ass looks like her mother's ass, and her nose is bigger. And because everything is bigger I now hear things I never heard before like: "Are you in?" and "Is that all you got?".

And hungry? Jesus, the woman has turned into a Thai eating machine. Ketchup from plastic squeeze bottles, old fish paste, dirt, rotten chilis, bars of soap, som tam leftovers, reboiled catfish heads, pet food, Chinese herbals with eyes and tails included, and of course bags and bags and bags of fried roaches and scorpions and worms and maggots and crickets, etc. Every time I kiss her I get a mouth full of wings and legs. If it is organic and if it can't outrun her Noi will eat it. I have to put one of those European style child's harness and leash on her when we go out. It is the only way that I can exert some control when she sees soi dogs eating something. All the soi dogs in Pattaya are now afraid of her. She'll fight them for anything.

But the most remarkable change is in the sexual mood category. Dana is having a lot of sex with the copilot. But it is like thunderbolts out of a clear summer sky. You never know when it is going to hit. I'll be making friends with a Chang beer and watching a Thai commercial for hair shampoo and then out of the blue I will hear Thai female yelling from the bedroom followed by "Get Up On The Bed Big Boy–Mama Needs Some Boom-Boom." And then in naughty bargirl Thai she will say . . . "Kuhn blsjflskjslkj jlkjsd99 dd heh hellww w shodfoe yre eepnenen dlno ufeoe neoue ouedn dnod ueoeens heo oehbw fopjfoele . . .ka" –Ok, I have no idea what she is saying–but when the growling and spitting starts you don't need a translator–the Noister has needs and she has needs now.

Anyway, we have decided to replace the delta winged rocket that gave us so much pleasure and so many happy miles. The last trip home from Rio was tilted a little too much in the adventure category for the both of us. However, being sentimentalists and always alert to the honest buck we have decided not to get rid of the plane. Instead we are going to turn it into a bar. We have leased space from the Royal Palm Gardens Mall right on the front steps and we will be opening soon. I have cut out one side of the fuselage and Noi will stand inside and serve drinks and tell stories. She will be dressed in her flight suit and helmet and oxygen mask and the teddy bear dressed in his flight suit and helmet and oxygen mask will be sitting on the top of the cash register. Noi has put wooden phalluses between his furry teddy bear legs for good luck, there are now garlands of flowers hanging over the nose cone of the plane, the shade from the wings has already attracted sidewalk mafia that are 'renting' out the space, and the engine cowling is being used to store make-up cases and other sundries of boardwalk cruisers. I will sit on the outside and watch the business. The walls behind Noi will be covered with pictures of us on our flying adventures. I think it is a winner idea. Stop by and have a beer in the only delta winged rocket bar in Southeast Asia.

But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about today is a problem and a solution for Thailand. It is entitled:

OUR RESPECT AND BEST EFFORTS

Thailand has a flag and a coat of arms: but there is no national motto. I propose that the Stickmanbangkok.com site sponsor a contest for a motto for Thailand. An act of public service and love that I am sure will be appreciated by all Thais. I'm no motto maven but a few obvious Thailand specific national mottos spring to mind. Before reviewing my ideas for possible Thailand national mottos perhaps it might be helpful to see what some other countries have done.

Cambodia: "Nation, Religion, King"–hard to fault.
Czech Republic: "Truth Prevails"–we can only hope.
Dominican Republic: "God, Country, Liberty"–works for me.
El Salvador: "God, Union, Liberty"–somebody is stealing from somebody.
France: "Liberty, Equality, Brotherhood"–these people eat snails.

This is pretty standard stuff–big ideas and pithily presented. Then there are some national mottos that fall into the more perplexing categories.

Uruguay: "Liberty or Death"–Jesus, are those my only choices? Couldn't I just hand over some of my territory to French-Indochina and let the Japanese build a railroad with nationals and bleat about how we have never been conquered?

Wales: "The Red Dragon Inspires Action"–What? The what? A dragon? Got any trolls?

Isle of Man: "Whithersoever You Throw It, It Will Stand"–WHAT? (What are they drinking in the Isle of Man?)

Bolivia: "Under The Shade I Flourish"–What? What the hell are you talking about?

Ecuador: "Ecuador Has Been, Is And Will Be An Amazonic Country"–What? Is this a motto or a speech? Amazonic? What are they drinking in the Amazon?

Luxembourg: "We Want To Stay What We Are"–OK, no ploblum. I guess it pays to set your sights low.

Ok, now that we have done some research and educated ourselves a little bit I think we can approach the subject of possible national mottos for Thailand with the gravity and maturity that the subject deserves. Thailand is a sovereign nation of proud people who love their country and deserve our respect and best efforts. I love each rai of Thailand more than the smile on my daughter's face. I hope the suggestions below are helpful:

1. "Fleece the Farangs"–sponsored by All Thailand Citizen's Committee (ATCC)
2. "Land of Idiots"–submitted by the United Nations Office of International Comparative I.Q.
3. "Bargirls Rule"–a Pattaya expat favorite.
4. "Dana's Delight"–supported by Pattaya Municipal Government boardwalk freelancers.
5. "You Hansum Man"–another heavy favorite.
6. "I Take You Gemstore"–sponsored by Bangkok Taxi Association (BTA).
7. "We Don't Payback Loans"
8. "Land of Scams"–heavy votes by all Washington Squaronians.
9. "Intellectual Property–What's Intellectual Property?"–possibly too technical.
10. "You Want Girl?"
11. "Late To Every Appointment"–a fine candidate.
12. "Flip-Flops Forever"–catchy song title alliteration–Tata Young endorses.
13. "No Ploblum"
14. "Never Conquered: Never Respected"–paints a rich historical picture.
15. "Hot, Sizzling Hot, and Rainy Hot"
16. "Aids? What Aids?"
17. "Where You Go?"
18. "No Big Trees and soon No Big Elephants"–example of Greenpeace infiltration.
19. "Where litter is considered nature"–Greenpeace infiltration again.
20. "En Educated Populace is a Happy Populace"
21. "Soi Dogs=Mystery Meat"
22. "Dirty Bras and Green Gum Boots"–probably not a winner but favored by all retired mamasans.
23. "Cambodians Are Scum"–popular with all Thais.
24. "Martial Law is Good"–received government endorsement.
25. "Mai Pen Rai"–received the IAN (International Advertisers Council) Bullshit award.
26. "We Believe in Ghosts"–proof that the ignorant have no shame.
27. "I Luf Yuu Too Mutt"–first thing an Essan baby girl says.
28. "Up To Youuu"
29. "Rice=Food: Farangs=Money"
30. "What Your Name?"
31. "All Hail Dana"–oh come on; you were all thinking it.

I am sure there are other fine candidates. So come on guys and girls and guy-girls; let's try and help the sovereign and proud nation of Thailand come up with a national motto. Hey, I just thought of another one:

"How Did The Chinese End Up With The Money?"

There, see how easy it is.

Stickman's thoughts:

Always an eye opener from Dana.