Readers' Submissions

Incountry #1



Evorah is a Cajun lady, 22, 5’2” with some black and Asian in her family background. She is a $1000.00 a night dancer in Tampa Florida. She was my first course. Thai Bar girl 101. She comes from a dysfunctional family and has a drunk, drugged up ex husband who recently got out of jail and stole her daughter. She is of course the most beautiful woman in the world and I am totally in love with her.

I came to Thailand to try and replace her in my life because she dumped me for an androgynous lesbian male impersonator (drag king) that is a girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl. I spent a month at Nana plaza, Pattaya and Chiang Mai interviewing replacements. I didn’t want much. Goddess like beauty, grace, dancing ability, chrome bumper removal capabilities. Same old stuff, boom boom, yum, yum, ow ow. Although I came close with, Fi and Toi and Yu nothing was quite a match so I decided to write the following letter in an attempt to convince Evorah to leave her lesbian lover and $1000.00 dollar a day gig and join me in Thailand.

The letter


Dear Evorah,

Nung, song, sam. It is important you remember that because you may need it later

I have found a way to manipulate time. Similar to E equals MC Squared which is of course the theory of relativity.

I discovered this a while ago but did not realize its significance until lately.

This is how it works.

Normally you will change planes in Atlanta. Atlanta is a good place to ground yourself in a distinctly Western culture & time. Look around at all the fat people stuffing their faces with fried foods. Then take a look at the dress of the average flyer. From tacky to tawdry and a lot of people smell funny. But since you have been on the plane for a few hours you will probably want to grab a sandwich have some something to drink and for sure have a cigarette because it will be 24 hours before you have a chance to have another smoke. There is a little food court where you can get a mediocre sandwich. A stairway to the right of the food court leads to a little bar with some decent beers on tap plus you can smoke there and if you listen real hard still hear the plane departure notices. So trudge up the stairs order a beer. The cost for a couple of beers and a sandwich in Atlanta is $20.00. You might as well order two because it is hard to get the bartenders attention (The bartender is almost asleep as are all the other employees at the Atlanta airport) and since all you have to do is get on a plane and not go through customs you can get as blasted as you want as long as you can walk. The next 24 hours aren’t going to be fun any way but it is all part of the time manipulation process and you will have to go through it.

Delta has the most flights so chances are you are booked on Delta. The flight will be a little late leaving but it is important you look at your watch frequently and get a grip on just how long things take and how you feel as the time passes.

The first thing you will notice upon boarding the plane is the age of the stewardesses. They are old. They look more like Cna’s (certified nurses assistants) at a retirement center than flight attendants. They come equipped with fatty thighs and bulging butts but never fear their performance is even worse than their appearance.

If of course, you have been manipulating time before you will instinctively know what to do. That is, head for a seat that has two empty seats next to it. Slug down three quick shots and try sleeping for the next 24 hours. But the inexperienced will be excited at the thought of a transcontinental and transoceanic flight and won’t be able to sleep. You may try and watch a movie or eat the inedible food or listen to some tunes or read the in-flight magazine. After the first two hours of the flight and the stews have bumped into you ten times and taken their 18th break you may want to ponder your surroundings a bit. You will notice the plane is not maintained very well and the seats and general appearance is a little shoddy. Try clearing your mind and meditating for 10 hours or so.

At some point in time the in-flight monitor will signal your approach to NRT. It is an airport close to Tokyo.

The stewardesses will trip over you at this point and if you engage them in conversation they will share stories with you of short Japanese men with atrocious manners who smoke to much and have a low opinion of women in general. Enjoy these last moments with post menopausal, overweight, disgruntled feminazis because you will see no more of them in the near future but they are worthwhile to note because you can see how time drags and drags and drags on when they are talking. There are few things on earth that can make time slow as much as a female delta flight attendant except perhaps a male delta flight attendant.

After you land in Japan you will be in withdrawal from nicotine and wanting a cigarette but take a moment to look around. You are now an international traveler. Be proud of your new status. There no hoards of scowling fat American people stuffing grease in their open mouths. The other international travelers are dressed well to hilarious depending on your point of view. Most are slim and smiling. The female children are well behaved and smiling the male children run around and cause their mothers to have wrinkles keeping up with them. The men all have on big expensive looking watches. The Japanese men are not as short as you expected. Ask anyone where the smoking lounge is and they will direct you. Yes almost everyone at an international airport speaks English or at least tries to. If they don’t understand you, do what every other American does. Say it again louder. This does not help but it makes you feel better. Then start the pantomime pretending to light or smoke a cigarette. You don’t have to go through customs yet because you have not arrived in the Kingdom. Lands that are ruled by a King are called Kingdoms and Thailand is such a land.

As you walk down the long terminals of Narita you will begin to feel a couple of odd sensations. People will be politely staring at you. In Japan everything is frightfully polite and discreet. You are unusual, they will not quite know what to make of you because of your heritage (Cajun, Asian, African). They will expect you to be accompanied by two body guards and a film producer and a couple of dozen rodies because you look like an the Oriental Movie star. Round eyed, nice butt, large (for Asian standards) breasts and a naturally beautiful face. A face that Thai’s think is Thai. A face that Japanese think is Japanese. A face that defies categorization except in the universal agreement that it is beautiful. All of this will come through even if you are wearing your lesbian baggy jeans. Which of course would be a poor choice for an international traveler of your status but that is your decision.

The other sensation you will notice is trying to take it all in at the same time. So many things so strange and you don’t want to miss an instant of it. You have heard about pink and green pastries stuffed with black beans and other gray, brown and swamp colored fillings but you have never really seen any. Next to the pastries are all manner of sushi and noodle things and a cooler full of beverages of all colors and shapes only a few having English writing on them. You will begin to see the humor in English food signs in Asia, yes they are really funny. Grab a Jap beer and head for the smoking room. Unless you have been schooled in the art of smuggling matches aboard an aircraft you will not have anything to light your cigarette so just pull it out and watch 18 Japanese men of all ages run to light it for you. This will, at first, be unusual experience but you might as well get used to it. Then they will try and make small talk with you making sure their Rolex’s are in prominent view. See, they all think you are a movie star traveling incognito.

Look at your watch and the last ten minutes has seemed like one minute. This will have been your first experience with time compression. Have no fear more is to come. You chain smoke three cigarettes because you don’t want to ask for a light again or you may never get out of the smoking lounge. Quickly down your beer and chomp on a couple of breath mints and find the Air Thai gate.

You are feeling a little tired and figure you will catch a couple of winks but sleep alludes you as you see your first Thai ladies with a teddy bear back packs and Winnie the Pooh cell phones glued to their ears. Thai ladies in the United States are not like Thai ladies in Thailand. That much will be obvious to you right away. You will notice the two young ladies with the back packs look to be 12 years old. They are of course 29 and have two kids each and are the mistresses of a middle class Japanese executive and are going back to Thailand to see their sister who has an ear ache and take some money to mother and replace the family water buffalo that has been struck by lightening. If they have wide small feet, a dark bronze complexion, 4’2” tall, high cheekbones and the sexiest little bodies you have ever seen they are from Isaan a province in Northern Thailand where chili is not a condiment. Chili in Isaan is a food group to be eaten in the same quantities as rice and fish heads and pig entrails and uncooked fermented beef. They will say “unnnneh” a lot on the phone which means yes in Isaan. Yes, I am coming home, yes I got the money, yes he fell for the water buffalo thing again.

Now is a good time to remember the Delta Flight crew as by now the Thai flight crew will be coming to the gate to board. My goodness there a lot of them! You wonder what they all do? They are not dark complected. They are “Hi So”, high society in Thai. They have light complexions that have never seen the sun, eyes almost Chinese, fine features slim arms and legs incredible flat stomachs and the most beautiful coal black hair you have ever seen. They’re hair ripples and shines as they walk. Of course they are full of smiles and a more coordinated bunch of people you have never seen. They like what they do. You know instinctively they will enjoy waiting on you, really enjoy it.

You get on the airplane and continue to watch these creatures move almost weightlessly around the isles. All around you you see smiles and Sa Wat De Caaaaa. And you know in your heart that you are approaching the Kingdom you can feel it in the air. The plane is spotlessly clean and there are purple orchids everywhere. The smell intoxicates you. As soon as you hit your seat a lovely creature is next to you with a steaming hot towel for you to wipe your furrowed brow. You sit back and she is there again with green tea and some funny crackers with seeds and other things in them that you can’t identify and you admit they are the best f*****g crackers you have ever eaten and you can sense that you are traveling the last lap. 600 miles an hour, your mind is racing now to cover all the things you were not going to think of but you find yourself thinking about them and then you notice the teddy bear back pack girls are off the cell phones because they have to turn them off in the plane and they are staring at you and giggling and saying to each other in lightening speed Thai “Who the heck is that? Is she Thai?” And they smile at you because Thais are not like Japanese and not shy at all and Wat Dee you and you Wat Dee back. They giggle "Khun Ma Jak Ali?" Where you from? You say "A Mare Ik Ka." They giggle and say "You very beautiful lay deeee have Thai Momma for sure for sure?" You just smile and drink your tea and wonder if it is really happening and look at your watch and time has raced ahead. You find yourself wondering why you feel like a ten year old on her first trip to Disney World.

The Kingdom approaches. More food and you have never had food like this on an airplane. Not drinking now because you have to go through customs and you want to be awake. You watch the large animated map on your personal TV screen and watch countries below you that you have only heard about that you have read about in geography class. Damn, you are flying over China and Singapore and Hanoi. Weird exotic lands of danger and excitement. Communist countries, wow, and you are going to a Kingdom where a King is in charge. And his wife the Queen kind of looks like your mother and what’s that all about. The Thai teddy bear girls are giggling again and singing hello hello I like you a lot (which is a popular Thai song but you don’t know that yet). They are holding out a pad and paper and want your cell phone number. Of course you have a local cell phone number your nut case friend who sent you the ticket also bought you a Thai cell phone and you give them the number. The plane starts its decent and the passengers of the plane are quiet each in his own world and own time zone.

Don Muang airport is old and drab and as you get off the plane you are kind of surprised not to see a Gold Buddha at the gate. It’s 8 at night and raining as you walk from the plane to the baggage claim. Your time used is back to normal and you notice it is hotter than you expected but bearable and you saunter towards the waiting luggage. All of a sudden time begins to accelerate. These are not normal people picking up bags. They come from all over the f ing planet and some from other planets. It is like the opening scene from a Star wars movie. Your mind begins to race at light speed. The customs people are all dressed in brown uniforms. Skin tight uniforms with polished shoes and ribbons on their chest like army guys and they all look so pressed and ready for inspection. The people picking up luggage are not the same as you. Arabs in flowing robes with wives in black head to floor caftans with a little slit for the eyes. Big fat sweating German guys in short shorts. Australian skin divers that look like they have just come from a Mr. Universe contest lugging two hundred pound bags of supposed diving gear which you think may be paramilitary supplies. Chinese people with boxes crammed full of things, real Africans with tribal robes and ten wives in tow with leopard claw necklaces. Saudi business men, maybe royals, looking for oil deals or a new harem. Englishmen old and balding with semi gorgeous Thai ladies and ten little Thai/English kids yelling Papa I want I want. Men and women from India who smell funny, like curry. Singapore people aloof, well groomed trying to tell everyone they are not from India. Thai Navy men and you can’t figure out how they can keep a white uniform that white. Japanese tour groups all bustling around and chattering at high pitch in Japanese. Hill tribe people in funny square hats, people singing as they wait for their luggage. Italians in silk suits in town for a fashion convention. French students and Swiss backpackers. And monks in their saffron robes. Old monks and 10 year old monks and you wonder how one becomes a 10 year old monk but they are smiling too and you wonder why all these people are smiling.

A guy with a tee shirt that reads:

My Name Is Dana
I Am From America
I Am A Tourist
I Am Single
My Hotel Is Across The Street

How on earth can you take all this in and still remain sane and actually get your luggage? Simple, you start to compress time. You are in the Kingdom. Each minute is worth an hour anyplace else. Your eyes speed up and your peripheral vision kicks into high gear. Your mind begins to process this information and all of a sudden you can see more in the same time and another 5% of your brain kicks in. Then your hearing tunes up and you open up your ears and begin to hear the sounds from behind and beside you and another 5% of your brain kicks in. That’s it. You are doing it. Your nostrils open up and are assaulted with the smells of Asia. Now for the gray matter in your brain. Get it going because something has to process all these sites and sounds. Now you have done it. E equals MC squared. Energy equals mind control. You have more energy than you have ever felt. Your senses are all working at the same time, full time in high gear. Boy, is this not Kansas nor is it Tampa this is the rest of the world that had eluded you for so many years. Customs is next and you can feel the perspiration on your brow as you wonder if you packed anything that you were not supposed to have. The customs man looks at you intently asks for your passport, stamps it. Smiles and says in perfect English welcome to Thailand. You leave looking for the place where you are to have your baggage examined. Soon you realize ,that was it, no one is going to check your bags. You have passed the Thai test. You have entered the Kingdom.

You can smell money. Because you always could smell money. All of your senses are going now and you realize these people around you could be in Paris, Rome, New York anyplace in the world. Why are they all here in Thailand? Well my dear you are about to find out.

Then you see it. Your first glimpse of the land of smiles. A thousand people all smiling. People with signs and waiting limo’s, mammas and daddies, taxi drivers, tour group leaders, hotel hawkers, food sellers, people exchanging money, lovers united and exotic ladies who can’t wait to get shopping. Why are they all smiling? They are smiling because they are in Thailand.

At the beginning of this letter I wrote that you must remember nung, song, sam. Nung is one. Song is two. Sam is three. One is get your passport. Two is pack your bags. Three is board an airplane for Thailand.

That’s all you have to remember. So when you want to start smiling just remember nung, song, sam.

Love,

Kelly


So, what do you think guys, will she come? Will old age, money and guile steal the youthful Tampa bar girl from her lesbian lover? Or will I have to content myself with a countless string of beautiful Thai women who want nothing more than to make me happy in return for buying a water buffalo a couple of times a year and exclusive rights to my pocket change?

PS. This submission has been very difficult for me to write. Because Mem wants to massage my shoulders while I type and Nat keeps insisting on getting me another beer every time mine gets even close to the bottom of the bottle. To say nothing about My who is on a crying jag about her brother in prison for a parking violation. But I am getting them all in the shower now to try and sober them up enough to go to that little restaurant I like so they can order dinner for me in Thai and pick the fish off of the bones because I am really no good at doing that.


Chiang Mai Kelly

XXX

Stickman's thoughts:

Shades of Dana here!