Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 100
DANA FAN CLUB
Dana: Honey you are fabulously feminine, gloriously beautiful, and sexually provocative but you are drooling. I can not love you.
Bargirl: Boom-Boom only 300 baht.
Dana: I love you.
This is the official, original, and exclusive international notification that a Dana Fan Club is going to be formed. International clamor and need has finally trumped my natural shyness and modesty and I have decided to dedicate the rest of my life to others less fortunate and less gifted than myself through the Dana Fan Club. Honoring, preserving, and promoting all that is Dana can best be done by me through the selfless celebration of my life and legacy while I am still alive. I know what you are thinking–"I need to go back to church and reaffirm my vows–there is a God." Yes, but perhaps this would be a good time to refocus. There is a god and his name is Dana. You don't need another god. That is what the Dana Fan Club will be all about. This document is a preliminary draft that will explore basics such as:
Code of Ethics
Rules and Regulations
Reasons for Termination
Levels of Membership
Goatskin parchment paper is being prepared now in the Soi 5 part of Sukumvit and mortar and pestle are grinding inks in Hat Yai. It is only a matter of time before the final documents are enshrined under a Chang beer proof glass next to the arrival currency booth at Don Muang International airport in Bangkok. Are you as excited as I am? You should be jackass.
Would you like to receive privileged access to the world's mystical sites and spiritual teachings? Are you looking for something truly inspirational in your life? Would you like to make new lifelong friendships and broaden your horizons?
Then go join a bath house for homos asshole. That ain't what the Dana Fan Club is all about. We're lookin' for privileged access all right–access to Noi's pants. Our idea of a mystical site is the G-Spot bar on Christmas Eve when there is a conga line of naked women with aluminum foil antlers and flashing lights. And as for spiritual teachings–I got your spiritual teaching right here: DON'T OVERPAY BARGIRLS. Are you looking for something inspirational in your life? No Ploblum Dude–that's what the DFC (Dana Fan Club) is all about–DANA.
And as for the part about new friendships and broadening your horizons? I got nothin'–just drawing a blank–white people talking! Sure, we do that shit–one bargirl at a time–Short Time or Long Time!
But really, all this touchy-feely 80's language is beside the point. The point is me! That's why it is called the Dana Fan Club. It's all about me. Time to refocus guys.
So that's it–the DFC (Dana Fan Club) is coming. The dues will be high, the membership requirements severe, the dream of association with me attainable.
ARTICLE I: VISION STATEMENT
DANAS wherever you look. No horizon line, city, village, beach, boulevard, or Nana Hotel parking lot without a DANA. Sing Hosanna–a new world is dawning. DANAS wherever you look. . . !
ARTICLE II: MISSION STATEMENT
The purpose of the Dana Fan Club is to worship, emulate, mimic, study, and review all things Dana. All energies will be directed towards Dana. No thoughts will be given to self. Dana Fan Club members will have an opportunity to progressively advance through four levels. Level IV will be DANA status. Members will tithe 50% of their earnings to Dana and be expected to make unthinking impulsive gifts of money to Dana. These will be referred to as Acts of Love. DANA status level IV members in the Dana Fan Club will be expected to found new Dana Fan Clubs in other countries. All family members and human relationships will be left behind in service to Dana. Once a year a Dana Fan Club member will be chosen to meet Dana. All hail Dana!
ARTICLE III: QUALITY PROGRAM
Well, actually the Dana Fan Club does not really have one of those jive ass, white honky, big company emphasises on quality. Basically, the Dana Fan Club (DFC) QUALITY PROGRAM is that if I don't like you I kick your sorry ass out of the club. Also, if you don't like me you are kicked out of the club. So really the whole QUALITY PROGRAM thing revolves around people who don't like people. Yeah, that's it; the heart of the Dana Fan Club is all about not liking people and then punishing them with social ostracization. Think soi dogs that bark at everybody. Quality barking from quality dogs; that's our program. Think 'pissed off bargirls' and the whole concept will become real for you.
ARTICLE IV: CODE OF ETHICS
Rule Number One: DO NOT OVERPAY BARGIRLS.
Rule Number Two: Do not forget rule Number One.
ARTICLE V: DANA FAN CLUB ESSAY
Applicants to the Dana Fan Club will be required to submit an essay as part of the application procedure. Essays will be between 600-800 words and will include, but not be limited to:
1. Fawning remarks about my appearance and the size of my brain.
2. Encyclopedic knowledge of Dana writing.
3. Notations on how you will be wiring (preferred) or mailing money in to me.
4. Headshot picture (no one better looking than me has a chance).
5. Tearful heartfelt stories about how exposure to me has changed your life.
6. Pictures of the family home and family members you intend to leave once you are accepted into the Dana Fan Club.
7. Pictures of current or ex Thai or Cambodian or Laotian or Vietnamese or Chinese (no overbites please) girlfriends complete with email addresses and phone numbers. No pear shaped lard bucket Japs. The Dana Fan Club has standards. They aren't your standards. Wake up.
8. Apologies in advance for mental indiscretions or future club infractions. You are not worthy. Best start early.
9. Passport particulars in case the Dana Fan Club needs to notify Immigration regarding your arrival or departure (see Note 1–ADDENDA).
10. Pledge to never ever under any circumstances overpay a bargirl (review Article IV-Code of Ethics).
Note 1: Dana Fan Club Application Procedure essays that include plagiarism, parody, or disrespect will trigger the Dana Fan Club notification of Immigration process and you will be receiving your Dana Fan Club application rejection in Bang Kwang prison. Experience has shown that Dana Fan Club applicants that mistake the application process for male bonding or conviviality (Att: Australians) or humor are the same twits that are most liable to overpay bargirls. We can't have that. The Dana Fan Club isn't about fun or making friends; it is about me. Being born was the second most important day of your life. The day that you make application to the Dana Fan Club trumps all else. Example: when you get to the gates of St. Peter in heaven and you are making application for admittance do you intend to crack jokes? I think I have made my point.
Note 2: All essays in the Dana Fan Club application process constitute a lifetime waiver on any and all contents therein and said contents may be used by Dana in future writing without recompense or mention. Think of yourselves as unpaid unmentioned research assistants–part of the great academic tradition of the West.
Note 3: Any mention made in Dana Fan Club application essays of any great historical figures, philosophers, lovers, writers, or inspirational leaders of men other than me will be stricken from the application process faster than a bargirl answers her phone. This is not a Bang Kwang prison level offense but spending the remainder of your days in the Suan Plu Immigration Detention Center washing and waxing the warden's car is not exactly party hat time. Forewarned is Forewarned.
Note 4: Winners of the annual Dana Fan Club application process essay contest will receive a handshake from me. Education material teaching packages will be created so that NEWBIES (Article X) can use the essay for learning purposes. Personal adornment tattoos pulled from text are permitted.
ARTICLE VI: BENEFITS
Well, how many grains of sand are there on Pattaya Beach? A sample listing will have to suffice:
1. Possibility of meeting Dana.
2. Guided tours of Dana haunts with anecdotal advice.
3. Bogus passports for renting bikes.
4. Existential interpretations of Dana Submissions for French fans–no wait; what am I thinking–Fuck the French.
5. Wallet size 8"x10", and Charles de Gaulle sized pictures of me for daily inspiration.
6. Dana submission signings–you print it out and mail it in and I will sign it and return it (yeah, right).
7. Lunch or beers with Dana in Pattaya–you pay!
8. Names and locations of street and boulevard slag already tested by me (nobody is getting near Fa or Uri or Tum so just cool your jets).
9. Once a month meetings in a Pattaya Soi 6 blow job bar–pants will be taken at the door. Discussion groups about me. It's all about me jackass. What were you thinking? DFC members who publicly fawn over me will conditionally receive my approval and are allowed to lend (look up Thai definition of ‘lend') me money.
10. Monthly mailing to members of the Dana Report (part of the non-profit Dana Assistance and Teaching Society). Ok, it's a tax dodge–sue me. Stories, letters, and pictures from other members, health care articles, ideas for toys and games, advice, etc. Available in black and white paper version or color online version (Acrobat Reader required).
11. Member discount rates on Dana Fan Club merchandise including but not limited to:
a. autographed condoms (strike that–Dana Fan Club members aren't wearing any fucking condoms).
b. Calendars with Daily Dana Sayings (ex: A Steaming Bleach Rinse A Day Will Keep The Dick Warts Away).
c. Counterfeit 100baht notes for the police.
d. CD's and Books and Videos of Danaology.
e. Plaster cast of my penis in Erectus Nanahoteliam.
f. Personal and confidential access to my biography including honors and awards–tour schedule–personal philosophy–meetings with world leaders–and charity involvement.
g. Free admittance and backstage pass to annual Dana Look-A-Like contest held on the first terrace at the Doi Suthep temple in Chiang Mai.
h. Individual membership certificate with your personal and nontransferable membership number, club badge and wallet ID and epaulettes.
i. Discounts on Chula University graduate courses in Danaology.
j. Interviews of Thai prostitutes who spent time with Dana–a four CD boxed set entitled: He Changed My Life.
k. Book of baby names culled from Dana's girlfriends–will your little bundle of joy be named Organ, Poo, Boom Boom or Bum?
l. Personalized passports with my photo on the back (imagine Immigration's reaction).
m. Dana Fan Club credit cards with my picture on the card (imagine opening a new account with one of these cards).
n. A Dana Fan Club trivial pursuit game based on Dana's submissions (ex: in which story did Dana recommend doorknob removal?).
o. The autographed Dana ‘IF' book (What if Dana was Mahatma Gandhi?, What if Dana was Einstein?, What if Dana was clonable?)–a book that makes you think.
p. And of course T-shirts and mouse pads and license plate holders and mugs and caps and tote bags and dog dishes and fountain pen sets with my four color high resolution full body picture affixed under four layers of chip proof transparent epoxy. There is more but I do not want to appear immodest.
ARTICLE VII: RULES AND REGULATIONS
The Dana Fan Club will not be rule dense. It is all about having fun. No, wait a minute; what was I thinking? It is all about me. But there will not be that many rules as long as you remember the Code of Ethics: DO NOT OVERPAY BARGIRLS. After that it's a party. A few things do bear mention, however:
1. No condom users can become members–what were you thinking?
2. No chat room–get out on the street you losers and pick up some meat.
3. No making friends–be a man. Men don't make friends–they fuck women.
4. No cell phones at meetings–a cell phone going off at a Dana Fan Club meeting is the trigger for instantaneous and irrevocable termination with prejudice. Epaulettes will be ripped off and wallet ID's will be confiscated. Aren't you glad you didn't waste time making friends now? This club is for men who worship me and bang street slag without condoms. I don't see the word cellphones in that sentence.
5. No farang females, French, Russians, Ukrainians (like anyone can tell the fucking difference), Koreans, Chinese, or Japs allowed. Also no men with advanced degrees in anything.
6. All Thai, Burmese, Laotian, Cambodian, and Vietnamese women under 4'9" receive a free associate membership (they get to associate with us).
ARTICLE VIII: DRESS CODE
Monthly meeting dress code requirements are free and easy. I think you can glean from a perusal of the above notations that the DFC (Dana Fan Club) is nothing if not open minded and accepting of people's differences.
1. No sandals and white socks. You are an asshole.
2. No blue German automotive technician uniforms–and clean your nails Heinrich.
3. No military issue shoes–leave it at the base Sergeant Dufus.
4. No T-shirts that say, "It Takes Leather Balls To Play Soccer"–in fact no T-shirts that allude to soccer or rugby or cricket. The Dana Fan Club will not accept members from other fan clubs. Make a choice pinhead–it's me or you can drink beer in Chiang Rai watching guys in shorts kick their balls.
5. No black pants and white shirts–if you are a schoolteacher you can become a member but you have to find some clothes.
6. No tanning booth tans–you get a tan on the boardwalk hustling whores.
7. No Birkenstalk footwear–we're not saving trees–we are loving women.
ARTICLE IX: REASONS FOR TERMINATION OF MEMBERSHIP
2 Seen talking to the French, Japanese, Russians or Arabs.
3. Not loaning me money.
4. Criticism of me in any form including absence of abject hero worship. Remember–IAAM (It's All About Me).
5. Seen talking to or in the company of farang women (including your mother–it is time to make a choice).
6. Heard making politically correct comments about anything–the Dana Fan Club values chaos and anarchy and sex and violence. Take your sensitivity to other people's needs and your respect for other points-of-view to the shitter and learn to flush. This club is about men who like being naked with naked women and doing what comes naturally. I don't see ‘saving whales' in that sentence!
7. Members who tell long boring stories at meetings and show pictures. Fuck you. It's all about me (IAAM). I'll do the talking and the storytelling. You just listen fuckwad.
8. Men too embarrassed to tell about some relationship they had with some kind of human being during which these two human beings made themselves happy. Don't be an ass. If it feels good–do it. The Dana Fan Club (DFC) does not restrict itself to what farmers and pigs do. I ain't no farmer and I ain't no pig. If he/she/it will take the money than it is show time. Good luck and good fuck.
9. Pansys–Look I ain't against pansy happiness but this is not really a club for guys who are light in the loafers and who want to play butt darts and swap spit at the Sabai Dee Rectum hotel. Fuckin'em is ok, but we really don't want to hear about how you and your friend are going to open a flower shop in Sungai Kolok.
10. Guys who are learning how to speak Thai to learn all about the culture! Refer to previous (number 9-Pansys). This club is not about respecting people or being culturally sensitive. It is about making ourselves happy and worshiping me (and of course there is the 'loaning money to me' thing). Find'em–Feel'em–Fuck'em–Forget'em. AND DON'T OVERPAY'EM.
11. Members who have not cleaned their tubes in any ten day period. This is just one of those non-negotiable rules. I don't care if a blind soi dog ripped your willy off because he thought it was a fried worm–you are out of the Dana Fan Club. The A bomb has been dropped from 60,000 feet and there is only two minutes to live. What are you going to do? If you answer with anything other than "Find a woman!" then you are not DFC (Dana Fan Club) material. Go find some farang women to pick berries with.
12. Members who have a 30 day run of only bonking once a day. Get lost loser.
13. Members who overpay hookers (I may have mentioned that already). There is no leeway on this. Dana Fan Club members will be issued payment amount schedules appropriate for the deed and the city and the season and the woman. Overpayment by one baht is instant excommunication from the Church of Dana with extreme prejudice. Certain selected whores will be on the DFC (Dana Fan Club) payroll and will report any chumps, idiots, retards, and nitwits who overpay. Don't worry about the Japanese–they have lifetime club exclusion policies at birth.
14. Members who give away the secret password or the secret handshake. No wait; what am I saying? There is no stupid secret password or stupid secret handshake. This club is for men. You want to do something official? Whip out your dick and get someone to shake it.
ARTICLE X: FOUR LEVELS OF MEMBERSHIP
The Dana Fan Club will have four levels of membership status. They are NEWBIE, CHEATED AND ANGRY, BROKEN HEARTED, and DANA.
The NEWBIE is a member who is just off the plane and is green as grass. He has probationary status. He hasn't learned to squat without falling in the hole and he hasn't been hit in Bangkok traffic yet. These nitwits (it's tough love in the DFC–I slap you because I love you) from Manheim or Manchester or Melbourne can be spotted as they make complicated postcard purchasing decisions at the Nana Hotel gift shop, or waiing startled maids who are illegal and from Burma, or lighting incense sticks at the Royal Palace opposite the Emerald Buddha as if they are Buddhist or something. Attrition rates on NEWBIES is very high. Very few make it to level II CHEATED AND ANGRY status. NEWBIES have to be watched like a hawk for DFC (Dana Fan Club) rules infractions–especially the dreaded ‘overpaying'. To give NEWBIES an even chance all NEWBIES are issued a SAYINGS OF DANA book. This little guidebook is suitably sized for shirt or pants pocket and includes tips and advice and quotes from Dana to help the NEWBIE when he gets stuck in a relationship of the sex commerce kind and is not sure what to do. The pages have tabs and labels such as: She Asked For Taxi Money, She's Gone Starfish, She Refuses To Turn Her Cellphone Off, Can't Get The Towel Off, Locked Herself In The Bathroom, and Insists On A Condom. You simply turn to the appropriate tab label, open the book to that section, and there will be the solution. For example: Insists On A Condom–the answer is ‘Dress her and give her 300baht and throw her out!' The beauty of this book is that I am always there for you. That is one of the features and benefits of being a Dana Fan Club member. Your stress level goes down and your efficiency level goes up as I help pilot you through the rocks and shoals and breaking seas of relationships with mentally addled, borderline violent, and possibly diseased criminal whores. Feel better?
2. CHEATED AND ANGRY
Level Two Dana Fan Club member and now out of the NEWBIE category and into the player category but still clumsy and anxious to please. Every time he walks into a bar or a bath house the girls can see the words 'Cheat Me–Lie To Me–Steal From Me' tattooed on his forehead. But at least he is a player. He's not wasting his time on earth in some stupid chatroom for wannabes and he's not in some bar elbow to elbow with manly men watching cricket–he's cruising. However, unstable emotions, the still clinging detrius of the West; make him susceptible to Dana Fan Club rules infractions, especially the dreaded and toxic 'Overpaying'. Has to be monitored by other Dana Fan Club DANA status members. Has a tendency to think that things matter, that life has meaning, and that people care. Level II CHEATED AND ANGRY Dana Fan Club status members can often be spotted visiting their girlfriends family in Isaan, or squiring around their girlfriend plus one of her friends. It is best just to stay away. He will either work through this or Darwinism will take over and he will be mercifully cut from the Dana Fan Club herd.
3. BROKEN HEARTED
Thinks of himself as an advanced player and philosophical thinker because he has been fucked over so many times by 90 pounders and 'Got His Feelings Hurt'. Only three roads for this dude to go down: Alcoholism, More Of The Same, DANAISM. If he learns from his mistakes and avoids egregious rules infractions; he has the ability to attain DANA status. Still has to be monitored. Wants to be appreciated and loved. DANGER–DANGER–DANGER.
To reach the Dana Fan Club level IV status of DANA is to attain the libido Mount Everest of your life. To be able to stand up at a monthly meeting and proudly proclaim that you are now a DANA will produce an interior psychic white light of nirvana that will change your life. You will have the mental stability and higher consciousness that comes with knowing with certainty that you will never use a condom again or overpay again. Repeat: You will never use a condom again or overpay again. Chilling–isn't it? No one can tempt you and no social comment can influence you. You are now your own godhead–cruising the Pattaya boardwalk at 7:30 a.m. with a bag full of breakfast whore treats and a smile on your face. You can feel the sun on your back and the youth in your step. Like an Indian yogin you are now untouchable by the dross of common thinking, focused without need, and heavily invested in Viagra stock. Women with soft brown arms and happy eyes and spooky motorcycle scars will respond to your alpha male sexual status and offer themselves to you as a supplicant to a prophet. By having sex with them you will be giving them a gift–you. Level IV status club members who become DANAS will have 'DANA' tattooed on their penis. When your love interest sees this word you will get the respect you deserve. Welcome to heaven on earth. Welcome to my world.
Level IV DANA club status members will have awesome obligations and responsibilities.
1. Formation of Dana Fan Clubs all over the world.
2. Monitoring Levels I and II and III Dana Fan Club members for rules infractions.
3. Giving lectures on Danaology: Examples–The Two Hotel System, The Two Wallet System, Safe Emergency Lubricants, How To Hide Money, and Trannies (pros and cons).
4. Administering the Dana Fan Club level I and level II and level III and level IV tests (article X).
5. Dressing like me–Only a savant could have imagined something this mentally transporting. DANA status Dana Fan Club members will either dress in what is known as the DANA Bangkok look or they will dress in the DANA Pattaya Beach Boulevard look.
The Dana Bangkok look consists of red yachting pants, black background flowered shirt, black leather open weave Cyprus dress shoes, gold nugget watch, and necklace of flowers. This is city wear. It says elegant, smart, educated, rich, well-bred, and hansum.
The Pattaya Beach Boulevard look is turquoise elephant decorated baggy beach pants, black Nike foam sandals, white Indian cotton shirt, silver bracelets, necklaces and flowers. It says hip and fun.
As Dana Fan Club membership grows and more and more NEWBIES eventually reach DANA status eventually there will be red panted urban DANAS and Pattaya Beach Boulevard hipster DANAS to be seen in every city and town in Thailand. Imagine what kind of a world this would be. DANA status Dana Fan Club members everywhere for advice and silent inspiration. People parting before them out of respect and closing in behind them with adoration. Eventually there may even be groups of singing dancing Hare Krishna style DANAS at the airport. Time will tell. I know what your are thinking. You are thinking all of this and I get to have too much spice put in all of my food too. Thailand is truly a man's paradise. Well, it can all be yours. Avoid Dana Fan Club infractions, make Acts of Love (article II) to DANA, keep your stupid yap shut at meetings (remember IAAM–article IX), never even think of overpaying hookers, and study hard for your four level progression DANA tests (article X) and this could all be yours–just by joining the Dana Fan Club.
ARTICLE XI–Level I, II, III, and IV Dana Fan Club progression tests.
To progress from one Dana Fan Club level to the next level in the Dana Fan Club you must show knowledge of Danaology by doing well on Dana Fan Club level progression tests. These tests document your knowledge of all that is DANA (review article II). To progress from NEWBIE to CHEATED AND ANGRY you must score 50 out of 50 on the tests. No candy ass bell curve here. To progress from CHEATED AND ANGRY to BROKEN HEARTED you must score 75 questions out of 75 questions. One wrong answer and you are demoted back down to NEWBIE status and you have to start over. That is what the members told us they wanted. Or that is what they would have told me if I had asked them. To qualify to be considered for DANA status you must ace 200 Danaology questions out of 200 Danaology questions. One wrong answer and you are excommunicated for life. Loser.
Danaology Test Question Examples:
1. In which Submission did Dana have emerald green eyes?
2. In which Submission did Dana get his nut sack caught in a ladder?
3. In which Submission did Dana have breakfast off a tranny's groin?
4. In which Submission did Dana have a car wreck while naked?
5. In which Submission did Dana receive a message from dolphins?
6. In which Submission did Dana abandon bags of blood?
7. In which Submission did Dana see a big yellow hat in the gutter?
8. In which Submission did Dana get thrown like a nerf football?
9. In which Submission did Dana knock down and set fire to his own house?
10. In which submission did Dana cut off Wan's braids?
Well guys; that's about it. My people are talking to other peoples' people and this giant international fan club juggernaut is in the works. The Dana Fan Club steel has been poured out of the DANA crucible and everything is forming up. The fan club train is moving down the administration and management and approval and documents tracks and soon it will come to fruition. Of course there will be a web site and organization and rules and documents and philosophy and 'culture of DANA' and monthly meetings and guest speakers, and tours, and Fanzine, and Fan Fotos, and Dana Fantasy Camp, and books and pamphlets and exercise programs and nutritional supplements and legal representation and photos of me and tapes–but that is for later. For now you just need to know that one of your middle-of-the-night quiet yearnings is going to come true. There is going to be a Dana Fan Club and you will have an opportunity to join.
All Hail DANA.
Is this the end of an era?