Readers' Submissions

Picking Up Hot Thai Girls For Dummies Part 1

  • Written by Ben Dover
  • September 30th, 2005
  • 24 min read


For those of you who do not know, the ‘For Dummies’ series of simple step-by-step, educational and instructional books on subjects ranging from A to Z, like Windows for Dummies, Excel for Dummies, PhotoShop for Dummies, and are available at most bookstores all over the world. Although the books started out primarily as computer self help books, the ‘…For Dummies’ series has now branched out into non-computer related self help instructional guides like Accounting for Dummies, House buying for Dummies, Investing for Dummies, etc, etc.

Now, I will be sending this submission to the publisher of the ‘for Dummies’ series to see if they might be interested in my concept of ‘Picking Up Hot, Thai girls for Dummies’, although I fear that they may not be interested.

Oh well, their loss and Stickman Readers’ gain, as I am sure that this would be a top-seller…in Thailand anyway. Well maybe more like in Bangkok or Phuket or Pattaya. OK, maybe more specifically in places close to Walking Street, Patong, Soi Cowboy, Patpong, and Nana. Yes, I am sure that this book would sell well there…

This posting is not meant to be the definitive sexpat’s guide to getting laid by tons of hot chicks in Thailand or anything like that, but on the other hand, after you read it, maybe it will be!!! Along with the rest of Stickman, of course!

Readers can feel free to email me any of their own ideas that they have implemented in Thailand over the years if they are too shy to share their thoughts within a public forum such as the Stickman site. Although…it is anonymous, so you guys SHOULD be writing in and contributing to this vast pool of knowledge.

Well, in the case of this particular submission talking about ‘naughty things’, perhaps the phrase ‘cesspool of knowledge’ would have been more appropriate, seeing as I will be talking about interesting ways to pick up hot Thai girls!!!

Ok, on to the meat and potatoes…

From my first trip to Thailand on, I quickly realized that that it was very easy to meet far more girls than I could ever hope to pleasure myself with on that one short trip, so I realized instantly, that I would need some way of maximizing my efforts in the ‘getting laid’ department.

To be clear, a guy to me once said, “Hey getting laid is easy, Mr. Ben Dover, I just go to the naughty, night-life areas after around 7PM or so, plop my ass down on a seat, have a few beers, watch the girls dance for a few hours, spy a girl that I like, bar fine her, take her to eat some noodles or papaya som tom on the soi, take her back to my hotel, bang her, pay her, and go to sleep. It’s a cakewalk…easy as pie!!!”

Well, simple enough, I say…and yes, that most certainly IS a good way to get laid. But the mission-critical question that I now pose is, “Yes, but is that the best way?” I think that the answer is NO! It’s not even close in my book.

Let me explain what I mean.

I realize that for most professionals in their working careers, that time is most certainly equal to money (although this does not always apply in Thailand with the Thai way of doing things). However, certainly every working stiff in Farangland who gets paid by the hour knows that all too well.

Now, for those of us who are only occasional visitors to the LOveS (Land Of vertical Smiles, as I like to call it), and who do not live in Thailand full-time, we are on vacation when we arrive in this Disneyland for adults for only a specific amount of time.

When we get to Thailand we just want to relax in the warmth of a tropical climate (or the stench of a polluted, muggy, exhaust-fume filled, sweatbox if you prefer that description), drinks some beers, shoot some pool, eat some great Thai food, meet some other farangs perhaps, but mostly…we are just here to get laid all the time by beautiful, affectionate, amorous, young, often horny, olive-skinned women. That is pretty much it in a nutshell.

For those of you expats who are truly here in Thailand on serious, non-naughty, genuine, multi-nat packages, then you can kindly skip ahead to the next submission, because this one is definitely NOT for you..unless of course you like to occasionally dabble in the olive-colored sweets from time to time!!! Then read on, my friends…

So, I ask you…seeing as Thailand is somewhat exotic to most of us farangs…let’s think of an exotic metaphor. We’ll pretend that you, Mr. Sexpat, are a huge hunting fan. Perhaps you grew up being a real outdoorsman, hunting rabbits, fox, deer, maybe even some bear or elk if you are lucky. But you feel that something is missing from your hunting hobby and you want to kick it up to the next level, but you don’t know how.

So you save up your pennies all year long (or years perhaps for you blue-collar workers) and take the hunting safari of a lifetime to the Serengeti Plain in Africa to hunt some big game. You know…lions, tigers, wildebeests, zebra, elephants, maybe even a rhino (not an endangered one I hope!). You plan your trip, tell your boss that you are going on vacation, and hire a guide to show you around in Africa while you are on the big game hunt. This will be a trip that you will never forget!

But once you arrive, you realize that your guide is an idiot and does not know where the animals eat, or where the herd is located, or what are the best times of the day to hunt the animals, or where the watering holes are.

So maybe you only randomly, by chance, stumble across a few lucky shots per day over your entire trip and you spent most of the rest of your time doing things that are not what you planned on (like searching for the best prey so that you can bag at least one trophy that any man would be proud of). Would you say that you had a good time at the end of your trip? Probably not.

Well, to me, Thailand is just like the Serengeti Plain in Africa, and my ‘8 gauge…single barrel…40-something year old…elephant dropping shotgun’ is hanging right between my legs ready to blast out a huge round of creamy-white ammunition at the hint of even the slightest whiff of perfume. <You mean to tell us, Mr Ben Dover, that you suffer from shooting your load before you get to the main event?Stick> And frankly, I want to use it as much as I can in my limited time in Thailand and not waste my time on fruitless endeavors that bear no results!!!

So, no tours of the local wats, no trips to the night market, no dinner cruises on the Chao Phraya…hell NO!!! I want to get as much pussy as I can when I am in Thailand. That is my destiny!!! Well, it was before I met Porn, anyway… ; )

Now before we get into the various techniques of picking up hot Thai girls, we need a little remedial math to clarify the objectives that we all seek, whilst on vacation in the LOS.

Let’s review. Like I have said before, it’s really basically a numbers game with some basic math…

As we all know time = money,

and, of course, money = bargirls, so

time = bargirls,

and from this we can easily deduce that more time = more bargirls!!!

Then, Mr. Sexpat, you say, “But I only have a week, Mr. Ben Dover, and a week is only a week, whether I am in Thailand or Farangland, so how can I get more hot Thai chicks in the same amount of time?”

“Also, Mr. Ben Dover, I am on a budget, so I cannot just bring more money to bang more chicks, so what do I do???”

Well folks, the key word there is BUDGET. But I am not referring to budgeting your money, I am referring to budgeting your time.

Now, please take a moment and review what that other punter once said to me about how easy that was to get laid in Thailand (in bold near the beginning of this submission). As most of you can see, this seems to be a very logical and clear way to meet a girl who is certainly willing to deliver the goods, as it were.

So let me ask you the following questions about that punter’s method of getting laid…

“Yes, that works OK, but is that method the MOST EFFICIENT way to get laid by a girl?”

To me, clearly the answer is NO. And more specifically…

“Is that method the most efficient way to get laid by a HOT girl?”

Once again, NO!

And then I ask you, “Is this the most efficient way to get laid by the GREATEST NUMBER of hot girls within the TIME LIMITS of a short one or two week trip to the LOS?”

Yep. You guessed it. To me, the answer clearly is, NO!!!

Now you might be thinking that I am about to give you some ‘get up and cheer’, rah rah motivational speech by Anthony Robbins (world-famous motivational speaker), or some lame course in time management. Rest assured my Stick friends, this is just purely about getting laid, plain and simple.

Technique 1

So, now what is this magical trick to getting laid all the time by beautiful girls as many times per day as you want?

You must buy a cell phone.

Now before you get all ruffled up after reading this submission only to learn that you should buy a cell phone in order to talk to girls, you will quickly learn that it is MUCH, MUCH more than that if you know what to do with it…and most guys do not truly know how to use it methodically in order to maximize their ‘kill ratio’.

Read on, young SkyWalker, and you too will learn the ways of the Force…

Now, here is how I use my cell phone and it gets more advanced as you read the submission, yet the methodology also gets more elegant as it evolves.

To begin with, whenever I met a girl in Thailand that I liked, I would ask her for her phone number, to which she would almost always invariably give me within the first minute or so of light banter. This would include malls, hotels, the street, or anywhere else that I would meet them.

Most Thai girls have not seen movies, like The Silence of the Lambs, as they are too young (at least the ones that I prefer to shag), so they are very trusting and don’t really have all those fears about weirdoes and creeps like me that most farang girls have, so they are usually all too happy to give you their number. And I do NOT mean only bargirls and freelancers only, either, although the purpose of this technique is only really aimed at getting hot ‘working girls’. I have had plenty of ‘good girls’ give me their phone numbers because I was very sweet, polite, charming, and persuasive…

Hmmm, perhaps I missed my calling in life and should have been a bargirl myself…maybe in my next reincarnation.

Of course, as the days went on, I very quickly would build up a nice list of girls to call if I wanted to get laid. So as I got more and more phone numbers, I would start to purge my phone of girls that did not seem as hot as I new that I just met. But soon, this became a major, logistical, nightmare.

Here is what was happening…as each of my trips progressed, I was meeting (and later calling) hotter and hotter chicks by the day. Sure, there were some days were I had to slightly downgrade, but most days were better than the previous one because I always had a huge (and growing) list of phone numbers from which to choose from.

As the numbers increased, sometimes it would get a little confusing as to which Lek or Pim or Prem or Nan that I wanted to call…or even what she looked like, acted like, or sounded like. I mean, after you get 20 or 30 names of girls that you have met over the last few days or week, they all start to blur into this one big ‘Mongolian cluster fest’ in your mind and you do not remember who is who!

So what to do, you might ask?

Now, I am not normally the guy who espouses anything like copying some of the ridiculous things that bargirls do in order to maintain/gain face amongst their peers (read this earlier submission completely and you will see what I mean (and get some laughs as well) but there is one thing that they (bargirls) do that some farangs can learn from in order to manipulate things tremendously to their advantage as far as getting laid goes.

So here is the first enhancement to the method for anyone wanting to spend a little time in the LOS, but who wants to maximize their time with the hottest chicks possible…

First, you must buy a CAMERA phone with a very good display and a very good camera as well. Now, I know that many of you may already have a phone, but you REALLY MUST get a new one. If you don’t know which ones are the best, ask a bargirl or better yet, ask her to take you to the 4th floor of MBK and she will show you and explain to you all of the pros and cons of each model of phone. I swear that cell phones are like a cult to Thai girls and 70% probably know more about cellular technology than a 16 year mobile IT (information technology) veteran working at Nokia!

Also, I know that many of you may even already have a camera phone, but the quality on most of those sucks (both the camera quality and the screen quality) and most people that I have seen with camera phones only use them to take snapshots and send them to their friends…gimme a break, you time-wasters!!! Move into the 21st century and start playing with the big boys!!!

So here is what I would do. Each time that I would meet a girl, whether it be at a go-go bar, beer bar, the mall, or even including on the street while I was walking with another girl back to my hotel, I would ask her for her number and take her picture. Then I have tons of pics of hot girls that I met in my phone.

Good idea, right? Well not exactly…I can get tons of pics of chicks on the internet for free and with much higher quality, but my purpose here is not to become a collector of pornography, it’s to get laid I would then link her picture that I had just taken, to her number in my phone. Now, I have a rather simple system to know what girl is associated with which phone number. But it gets better…

Then, if I was horny some day and I wanted to get a little ‘strange’ (American slang for a stranger which means a different woman to bang), I would just flip open my phone and scroll through all of the pics until I found one that I liked and then press the ‘Talk’ button and voila…nearly instant sex!

The best part about this system is that the engine is so efficient. I just search my phone for pics and then press ‘Talk’ when I come to one that I remember, or like. Quite simple and elegant, yet I have never met a guy (sexpat) who does this, besides me, although I must admit that there must certainly be some out there with all of these guys walking around with cell phones. I am just saying that I never met one who implements all of my techniques. Read on…

It’s just like surfing on a dating site, but this one is 1,000% better, because when you call ANY girl on this ‘phone site’, there is a 100% chance that you will be doing the horizontal mamba within 1 to 2 hours after you call her, once she arrives at your hotel!!!

Speaking of dating sites, let’s talk about those for a minute as well. For all of you poor blokes out there (including me) who have ever tried these sites like Match.com or Yahoo Personals or any other site for that matter, you know the frustration of finding some ‘instant gratification’…ESPECIALLY in your home country of Farangland!!! It is just NOT that easy. I mean, sure, there certainly are some girls who are willing to give it up, but certainly MOST are not looking for a quick booty call or would never tell you if they were.

And of course those that are wanting to get laid on those sites, would rarely be willing to accept 1,000 baht payment for an all night sleep over replete with healthy doses of hard core humping and pumping until her pussy is sore that you can get with a Thai girl (well this applies to freelancers in beer bars in Thailand anyway).

Ohhhhh, nooooo…these farang girls would want you to wine them and dine them, and then you would probably have to get them drunk so that they can later use the excuse that they were hammered instead of admitting to their girlfriends that they simply wanted to get laid. Of course, the next week they would complain that the guy was a jerk because he never called her back, but the next weekend, she would do the exact same thing with another guy!

The girls in Farangland don’t just want to ‘get fucked’, they want to go on this charade that they call a ‘date’, after you have bought them an $80 dinner, followed by drinks afterward, after which they will ‘give it up’ to you!!! Geez, I always knew that they were whores, too!

Sorry, I just had to get that off of my chest… ; )

Now, having their pictures linked up with their phone numbers is one great idea, but this concept really needs some refinement and tweaking to truly make it the powerful ‘business tool’ that it is.

When I create each contact number for the Thai girls (along with her associated picture) I always add some additional useful information in the notes section so that I know who she is. Below are some examples:

Met Wan near Nana 8PM, big tits, tall, seems quiet
Met Lek on Sukhumvit Soi 7/1, 2AM, beautiful eyes and smile, great ass, very friendly
Met Nui near Patpong, dancer at King’s Castle 1, long silky hair, long legs

I think that you get the point. But then I figured, well what good are casual observations? I mean, these general descriptions could apply to many different girls. So I decided that after I shagged each girl, I would then update the description section of the notes in her contact screen and grade her. That’s right, I would GRADE her!!!

The above girls’ notes might now be updated to look something like this:

Met Wan near Nana 8PM, big tits, tall, seems quiet – A little bit of a starfish fuck, but was very tender and let me enjoy myself-Rating 3
Met Lek on Sukhumvit Soi 7/1, 2AM, beautiful eyes and smile, great ass, very friendly – Great deep throat and loves doggy style. Will accept multiple bangs throughout the night without complaint!!!-Rating 9
Met Nui near Patpong, dancer at King’s Castle 1, long silky hair, long legs. Loves anal, extremely wild, Total nympho, Loves it hard and fast-Rating 10

The beauty of this system is that, as the number of potential candidates (and conquests) increases by the day, you can keep track of the girls. The issue that I had when I first started to use my system was that, sure, I could look through tons of pics of girls to see that ones that I found to be the most attractive, but sometimes I also wanted one who was a total expert between the sheets who could really get me off and unfortunately, sometimes these groups of girls were not subsets of the other group! And some days I felt like having a girl who can suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch and other nights I wanted a girl who likes it on top, etc, etc,. So, by having the description (as well as her picture) I could also remember how she was in bed and how her personality was which I would match to suit my mood of the day.

Then, I figured, hey why stop there? I was starting to really turn this system into a very efficient method to store in one elegant database engine (the phone) more beautiful girls than I could ever hope to shag on one trip. In fact, a big problem that I had, was that I was so unabashedly afraid of walking up to many different girls and entering them into my database, that I never had time to call, let alone bone, probably 80% of those girls who had so kindly given me their numbers. Keep in mind, that I would not expect to instantly bang some girls that I met on the street, especially ones that I met in the non-tourist areas of Bangkok. I realize that not every girl walking on the street in Bangkok is professional, but a hefty percentage of them are who roam near the farang areas, as any experienced punter can attest to.

Near the end of my trip my little black book (camera phone) contained a database that would be envied by any seasoned traveler.

And here is another great part about this method; as you get more and girls’ numbers (and they invariably also have yours as you gave it to her when she gave you hers), they will start to call YOU!!! The more numbers that you have, the more times that your phone will ring every day. It’s just a numbers game.

Now here is another enhancement that most guys do not use on their phone or do not even mess around with it enough to be aware of the feature exists, and that is setting the phone to only answer when you press the talk button on the keypad.

Why is this so important you say? Because if you happen to buy, or have, a ‘clamshell opening’ camera phone that does not have a separate small LCD screen on the outside, then you do not know who is calling until you open the lid which automatically answers the phone. That means no call screening and it may be some girl that you don’t want to talk to, or who was lousy in bed and wants to get another 1,000 baht for her 2nd grade play performance in the sack, or who perhaps does not meet your desires at that time, but might be suitable for the next morning. No, thanks, I don’t like surprises.

So, if you do buy a clamshell opening phone, then you should try to get one with the 2nd, smaller screen on the outside of the phone as well, so that you can instantly see who is calling by glancing at her picture on the phone when it rings. Also, remember that with many camera phones, you must ALSO assign a picture that appears on the little screen on the outside of the clamshell to that same girl and NOT just the big screen on the inside of the clamshell above the dial pad.

If you have a one piece phone that does not open like a camera shell, then you should also change the setting (if it is that way now) from auto-answer when the phone rings, to ‘answer when the Talk button is pressed’. Then you can see the girl’s pic when the phone is ringing and decide if you want to answer it.

Of course you can always let the call go to voicemail, but then you have to wade through voice messages of 10 girls who left you messages and you do not know the associated rating and picture unless you look back through your directory. Not worth the hassle.

Now let’s talk about voicemail. Here is what I do…NOTHING!!! I erase every message every day and do not listen to them at all. The reason why is TIME.

This is MY time on MY vacation and I want to get laid or talk to a girl when I want to, NOT when SHE wants to. If I didn’t want to talk to her when I saw her picture when she was calling then I certainly don’t want to bang her at that time, plain and simple.

So now this system starts to allow me to control my time for when I get laid. I do not have to go through the normal go to the go-go bar routine described earlier. I do it (get laid) when I want to do it, not only in the evening when the bars are open.

Hell, sometimes I want to get laid when I wake up to 10AM, or maybe after lunch at 2PM and perhaps at that time of day, in my exact location, there might be slim pickings to choose from, but I might want (at that time) only the finest, USDA, Grade A, choice-select, som tom fed, Thai breast meat!!! So with my phone, all that I have to do is to scroll through the pics for minute and press Talk.

Although this system works great, there is a downside. The problem is that these girls are not sitting around all day waiting for YOU to call, just as you are not waiting for them. They have OTHER customers to attend to as well. After all, momma and pappa back on the family rice farm need a new buffalo as the old one just got a bad case of B.S.E. (Bovine Spongiform Encephalopy), also known as Mad Cow Disease. Although sometimes you would think that these girls also had eaten some of that tainted meat growing up as a child, which would explain a lot of things…but I will not get into that here.

Anyway, as I mentioned above the problem is not only your time, it is also HER time. Just because you are horny and all hot and bothered and are searching through your bevy of beautiful Thai girls on your phone doesn’t necessarily mean that they are waiting for YOU to call them at that very moment when you need your ‘bishop polished’…oh no, Romeo!

Always remember that when you call them and they answer, that perhaps there is a very good chance that she is, at that exact moment while she is talking to you, squatting on some OTHER punter whilst she is busy having her large intestines rearranged by his farang monster cock!

So that shortness of breath that your hear from that girl’s voice might not be because she just ran to pick up the phone, but maybe instead she is having the air squeezed out of her lungs as her diaphragm is being pushed up into her throat while that other guy is doing some deep-core spelunking (cave exploring) inside of her ‘warm and fuzzy’ region.

Well, all of this means, that although this method is incredible if you use it religiously, it is not the only game town and it does have the drawback of your having to keep calling until you find a girl who is ready, willing, and able.

Remember, she ain’t the only game in town…and neither are YOU!!!

Coming up in Part 2 of Picking up hot Thai girls for Dummies, I will be revealing 4 more advanced techniques for my fellow farangs to peruse.

Stickman's thoughts:

The idea of assigning a picture to names in the phone is a good one. A good friend in Pattaya does that because, as he says, there are only so many Thai nicknames and he had a number of Nois and Leks and so on in his phone but by having their picture display when the phone was ringing he knew exactly who it was.

Now the idea of grading women on their sexual performance, hmmm, didn't most of us give that up in high school?