Readers' Submissions

A Quick Return

  • Written by Cold Kiwi
  • September 28th, 2005
  • 14 min read


We had barely got back from our first trip a few months ago (see earlier submissions 12/7/05) when we started talking about our return to LOS. Nothing at home seemed interesting anymore, we were just going through the motions until we could go back for some more fun. We had to go back to LOS in November to catch up with a group of mad bike racers, but now that seemed too far away! Family and friends looked at me strangely when I said I would be back again this year, but I lamely explained that my business really runs a lot better if I take short holidays often, rather than long breaks.

We told our stories of Pattaya to any that would appreciate them, and one of our salesmen decided he had better come check it out, so he left on his own, armed with our contacts, and came back smiling so much he had tan lines where his smile lines had not seen the sun. I won’t write his story here, but he says he found a ‘good girl’ who runs a beauty salon (later he said she admitted a German ‘friend’ had helped her set up the business, we all rolled our eyes and smiled). He was lucky and toured around with her during the day (no sex) but got the late nights off while she slept to get his end away with bar girls, otherwise he would have had no real fun there at all! He barely slept the whole time he was away – as we say when there: you can catch up on sleep when you are dead.

Another friend of ours wanted to go visit, but was not confident he would have fun on his own, and T was dead keen to go now, as his marriage had just ended badly. Somehow two of us from the first trip ended up agreeing to return in early September, as I just couldn’t say no to another chance for some fun as I had just about finished my first submissions to Stickman, so it was all fresh in my mind.

I must say at this point that I am 44, fairly fit, shaved head, average in looks and income, divorced, but luckily I do ok with western women generally. (I had 2 nice looking women on the go back home – both about 10 years younger, much to my son's amusement). I’d had sex since my return so I was not going back just to get sex – I was going back for fun with young, slim, hot babes in their twenties!

This time I was fully clued up on the scene there, and looking forward to butterflying my way around Pattaya for 8 days and, more to the point, nights. I was going to go semi-nocturnal – sleeping 4am ‘til noon to really enjoy the fun on offer. I was going to get a nicer babe each night than the night before and make a banquet of the babes on offer – I knew the score! I was ready – I had been there, done that, and had the T shirt!!

How wrong could I get?

I didn’t even get out of the airport before fate had done me in. Last time we left we had used a van driver who gave us good service that R, an expat mate of ours, had arranged – but we had mentioned we had had some difficulty as his English was non existent, so R had organized for someone to accompany the driver to ease the pick up. There C was – slim, young, clean and cute wearing nice jeans and a T-shirt standing holding my name on a sign. (In somewhat typical Thai airport confusion – she only held up the sign after I called R and told him we could not find them, and he called C at the airport to hold up the sign!) On the phone I could have sworn he called her his wife, so I chatted to her on the van trip but being an 18+ hour flight with stop-overs, and near breakfast by my body clock time (2 am local time) – I dozed off on the damn bumpy road to sin city by the sea.

Noon the next day I called my local friend R and arranged to take him to dinner as a thank you for me waking him in the middle of the night on arrival. During the chat I said his wife was very helpful – and he filled me in that for nearly half a year she had been his girlfriend, but she was single now. He assured me she was not a bar-girl and I said she looked nice – maybe she would want to come to dinner too. He called and asked her out to dinner and she quizzed him as to which of the three of us was asking. On finding it was me (ten years younger than the other two) she said ok, and he then said ‘’wear something sexy – see you 7:30”. We spent the afternoon arranging motor scooters, eating and having a look around, then a gentle swim in the lovely warm pool (which turned into races as usual, all of us puffed and wheezing by the end) and a nap until drinking time rolled around.

We jumped on our scooters and headed to Buffaloes to have a warm up drink and there met a few of the objects of our attraction from our earlier visit. I looked around for the hot go-go dancer I had had to woo on my first time there, and did not recognize her until I saw her gyrating on the pole. I checked her name tag just to be sure and stood looking at her – shit – not a glimmer of recognition! Maybe we all look the same to them lol. One of the guys had one girl come squealing over and hug him and sure enough it was P’s favourite girl from last time. We had a few drinks there and when it was time to go to dinner my friend P gave her 500 baht and said that he may come back later, then we left. I asked him what he is doing, assuming he would be back that night for her now, and he says he just wanted to give her the night off. I told him he has just paid her barfine and she will now wait for him all night and she may miss going out with someone else, as I knew P was not planning to go back that night for her! P rushed back inside to talk to her but she had already paid the mamasan and gone to get dressed. P now realized that indeed he would be back to take her for the night, and from all accounts it was a happy re-union, but it amazed us that he still did not fully understand how things worked!

T was a first timer – and during this whole process, indeed from the moment we arrived in LOS, he had walked around wide eyed at all the slim tanned lovelies. He was in hog heaven at the bar with a girl on each arm fighting to wipe the sweat off his forehead with the cold paper towels. I enjoyed it too but was looking forward to seeing C in a social setting. R had told me she was 25 – I had figured she was about 20 at most. He told me he gets lonely when his wife goes up-country for family business months at a time, and that C had been great company, only having to leave shortly before his wife’s imminent return. This is one of those situations where I think – only here would this strange situation not bother either of us, not that we thought of C as property or livestock – just that there was no jealousy involved either way. Even R’s wife politely always gave him a few days notice before returning from up in the hills, rather than turn up unexpected.

Dinner time rolled around and we made our way to C’s apartment. After a few minutes she came shyly to the street – wearing a really short mini skirt and halter top and boots – damn she was a hottie! She grabbed her helmet and slid side saddle onto the back of my scooter and we were off. It was so weird – I knew she was there but she held on to the grab handle behind the seat and was so well balanced it was like I was on my own on the bike! I guess weighing 38kg helps, but these ladies have great bike ability, and usually a Thai Tattoo to prove how much time they spend on bikes. (They all say it was a motorbike taxi that gave them the scars, never them, though C had her own scooter, and typical Thai total disregard for traffic regulations.)

We went to a large Thai BBQ – what a great way to have a fun night! Only 99 baht for all the chicken, beef, pork and vegies you can eat – cooked over a charcoal fire on your table with a conical cast-aluminium cooking surface with a water filled bottom lip for the vegies – and the price included a flat grill for cooking green prawns, and fruit for dessert! Part of the fun is cooking it in the middle of your table, and dipping it in the hot sauces. (C and R dipped their stuff in sauces that make my lips burn and tummy twinge now just thinking about it!) A soft drink in a bar back home in NZ costs more than the meal there, with the drinks tab being cheap too! It was full of locals and we were the only falang there, so it’s probably a bit far from the tourist areas, for most visitors. During the course of dinner it rained, actually it bucketed down! R asked us if our helmets were upside down or not, and upon checking mine and T’s were not, and were now full of water, good for a laugh by all who saw us checking them. We slowed down our evenings plans to allow for this downpour, eventually being nearly the last to leave – being on bikes and not wanting to get wet. No one was cold, but even the remaining drizzle soaked me to the skin in no time, and once water had run from my soaked helmet all the way down into my boxers I gave up any semblance of trying to keep dry and just had fun in the warm downpour. C’s place was on the way home so as we neared there I asked if she wanted to be dropped off there or return to our hotel to dry off, as the lads were now going back to our favourite bar to retrieve suitable companionship for the night. C asked what I wanted to do and I got to use the famous line ‘’Up to you” back, smiling as I did so. She said ‘’Ok, I come with you – but no funny business’’ so we passed the guys and headed back. C hung on a bit tighter as we went up Buddha hill, which she says many people crash on, but I liked leaning on the tight bends.

Knowing females I let her shower and dry off first, and naturally gave her something dry to wear – a Singlet of mine which fit her like a mini dress. A little while later the guys called and said they were drinking by the pool so we grabbed drinks and went down, maybe to swim also, so I pulled on shorts and C had the towel around her hips. It was amazing to me how relaxed a group we were, sitting after midnight by the pool drinking, with attention from lovely young babes – how different from back home! There, any bargirls would be pushing you to do the deed so they could be off, not sitting relaxing by the pool holding hands. I noticed the other guys peeking at the sides of C modelling my Singlet, and admit I enjoyed the view of a very nice firm boob when I caught a glimpse too. C caught me peeking a few times and only smiled, but tried to keep the other boys from getting a free show. C spoke far more English than either other girl and interpreted for them all a lot. I started to feel sleepy so we headed back up, leaving the boys to demolish one of our duty free bottles of bourbon. During the evening we had become at ease with each other, and we cuddled and kissed, then slept like logs – well I did anyway.

T had apparently chosen his lady for the night on the presumption that a slightly chubby, older, plain bargirl would be more appreciative, nicer, and more fun in bed, so I was intrigued to see how that worked out, as I had always gone for hotties (with no complaints). It turns out she had one of those nasty looking vertical incision Caesarian scars, but was a bit of a starfish and could barely communicate – next day I told him to look for go go dancers, as you got to see how they moved on stage! T told us how much taxi fare he tipped his lady and we laughed assuring him that unless she lived half way to Bangers he may have gone a bit overboard there – a newbie mistake, and no harm done, so we made him shout us breakfast as he was so rich lol. This turned into a ritual, with whoever had done the silliest thing the day before paying for breakfast by the beach. We rarely disagreed, as some things were plainly stupid, and we were all happy to share the breakfast honours from time to time. T had to pay the most for those great cotton shirts of anyone we knew. He paid 280 baht each and bought 5 as they were such a ‘bargain‘, P paid 200 baht for his few and C got me mine for 150 baht, same as we paid last time. T’s shirts were all marked as size 50, but varied in size so much he had to give me a nice black one that came nowhere near fitting him, and another one was calf shit brown and we reckoned the vendor must have had it in stock since he was a boy, as no-one else would wear such a horrid colour! The vendor probably had a family celebration, or got a salesmanship award after selling it for so much lol.

Breakfast on the beach was one of those things that make the whole experience there relaxing as well as fun, learning from C that in Thai my favourite breakfast dish sounds a bit like ‘’cow pat guy’’ <chicken fried riceStick>. I usually added a plate of tasty garlic shrimp to most of my meals to share around, and would eat several servings for dinner if nothing else took my fancy, as they are difficult to get back home in NZ. C however had a very different vision for her first (of many) meals of the day. She would load up whatever she ordered, usually pork noodles, with so many chilli flakes, sauces, peppers and the like that she had to add sugar to the mix just to get it down, making her top lip sweat as she did so, then complaining about the ‘quality’ of the food giving her a sore tummy, lol. I tried a few bites here and there and can honestly say I would have been in hospital having my stomach pumped ten minutes after eating a bowl, just so the hot sauces and chilli would not have to be shit out and burn my ass right off! The only thing C ate in a week that did not have chilli flakes on it was ice cream and pop-corn (and I am sure she thought about it)!

We went to the Royal Plaza food court for lunch one day and I decided I felt like a thick shake with my meal. The juice place had mango milkshakes on offer, but looked strangely at me when I requested a thickshake. Part of the same shop had ice cream, so I said – make my shake and I will just have a scoop of ice cream in it also – blank looks and ?? was my reply. I then bought a scoop of ice cream – walked the 3 feet to the other side of the partition and gave it to the milkshake girl and asked her to add it to my mango milkshake. I was standing there smiling at my achievement as they were looking at how slowly it was mixing, thinking I had taught them something useful, when the girl opened the top to pour more sugar syrup in to make it runnier. I yelled ‘’NO’’ so loudly they all jumped, and I explained, quietly, how much I wanted it ‘not runny’. So much for my lesson in thick shakes (C tried it and said it was horrible – after all the fuss I sure liked it – though it was really too sweet)! I don’t really think Asia gets desserts.

Next instalment – a trip to the hospital and dentist.

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