My 12 Year Old Filipina Girlfriend
Here is a long update, without the intervening drama included, about life with dear little devil angel Sarah of and in the Philippines. The original post is here. This post may cross over into being too autobiographical, but by doing so I think it dives into questions we all have about mate selection.
Sarah looks 12. She recently turned 22, by calendar years.
My life is generally good. Sarah and I have been living together for 6 months. We've had hellatious problems. In many ways we are not that suitable for each other, but for some mysterious reason we are still in love and having a serious relationship. Go figure. She's very serious about me, and judging by the things I say to her, I must be fairly serious about her as well. I think I mentioned she is 22, very small, and people often mistake her age to be about 12. She has little intellectual curiosity, and we often have serious communication problems, but we are there for each other, and it feels so good to have a woman give so much of her life to me. I guess I was ready to trade in non-monogamy for more intimacy. It would be extremely easy for either of us to date around, as she is very attractive, and I have white skin. Neither of us seems to have enough interest in that to bother, and we both get intensely jealous and possessive. Big change from my lifestyle in Thailand, needless to say, but I often feel very grateful and fulfilled to have a woman give so much of herself to me, and to have someone to love and take care of. One thing I really appreciate about her is that she puts up with my occasional bouts of poverty, and is willing to live just about any lifestyle at all, as long as we remain together and faithful. She could easily find rich and young and handsome suitors from any country of her choosing, but does not. That's a pretty big statement. She also prays every day that we will stay together forever. That's a nice statement too, but even bigger than putting up with my age and lack of hunk factors is her putting up with any level of income, with no word or hint of it being an issue – that more than anything really touches. In some ways she is 12, and like my daughter. I guess I have a strange kink about that, because I actually call her daughter as her nickname, and it feels a natural and strong way to express my feeling of her being cherished and my family. My last several girlfriends all had that nickname. I sometimes wonder about that, but it is such a strong way to express my love that by now I just go with it.
It feels a bit strange to be getting so close to Sarah. Good, but a bit strange, because I don't think of her as "the" one, but we are getting as close and living as if we were each other's "the" one. I let things progress, day by day, and by now my feelings are pretty strong, even though not three weeks has ever gone by without us having some nasty situation nearly leading to a break up. I always figured that I could be sure to leave her at any time, as I could be sure she'd do something stupid that would let me break up with her. That might not be the case anymore – we seem to be settling into each other. It feels good, but also just a bit weird, as we have so little in common and can't connect in the mind much. Sexually we have been connecting incredibly deeply and intensely though, for 6 straight months, and that means a great deal to me. A very great deal. To me there is no such thing as "just" sex. It is a very meaningful, powerful, intense becoming and mingling – I don't know anything more interesting or profound or important or real. It's a big deal. <Really? Could be an interesting idea for others to develop into a submission… Stick>
Life is going at a good pace here. Not hectic. Time to swim in the reefs with the fishes, time for love, time to read, time to meditate, think, study, work. I live a very simple life, both by choice and necessarily. Being poor is a bit of a luxury. I like it. It's a relief. I have what I need. As far as I can tell I seem to have my priorities fairly straight, life is basically lined up, and there is often love and joy. Almost always. I'm really grateful for Sarah, even if she is a bit of a special needs kid herself, and although I do still lack a proper social life or proper friends, I'm still challenged and doing things I consider useful and meaningful. I see life in the US, with a car and all the demands that economy places on people, as too demanding and largely driven by mis-placed priorities. Life simply needn't be that demanding; I for one don't need that much wealth. Who really does I like the shock value of my love hut. No heating bill here. Sixty five bucks a month, including utilities. We have a fridge.
When things are good between us we are very kind and loving and take such good care of each other. I wish she wasn't prone to episodic fits of over the top passive aggression and outright nastiness, I wish she was more intelligent, and I wish she would take more interests in the sciences and humanities. It sometimes seems that what I like about her and what we already have are enough for the foundation of a serious committed nourishing relationship. Yet often I wonder if I shouldn't be much more picky. It depends much on the day and the state of her pendulum.
1-Sarah likes to be sexy in public. I really like that. But that can't be the main reason I let her act as my mate, as I've had several girlfriends who did the same that I didn't think of that way.
2-She is physically very attractive to me. I think that goes quite deep and must be a big reason why I always re-accept and re-affirm our love. She is very small, has a great little ass, perfectly formed legs, arms, hands and even feet, and a very pretty little girl face.
3-She is very cuddly and affectionate and physical. That's a big one, especially combined with number two. She's small and sexy and forever holding and touching and fondling me, and me her, everywhere and always.
4- When things are good, her love is like a sustaining force to me – it literally gives me strength. I read a silly novel last December about a magician who falls for a pubescent girl, adopts her, travels around the country with her, and through his perseverance at controlling "all 8 bodily functions" and through her love, he transforms from a magician to a wizard. The author forever stressed that it was the young girl's love that was the key to his power, or perhaps the essence of it. It seemed like an understandable fetish and projection at the time, but now I'm not so sure. I think couples can fit together in a way that ones own love shines stronger and one feels a nourishing love strongly.
5- The sex. The frequent incredible deep loud passionate fiery strong sex, that brings out from me burning bright tearful thankful strong overwhelming love. If not in some ecstatic kundalini induced contortion then it's "Daddy loves you, daddy loves you so much!" over and over while I kiss her sweet face. We touch in deep at a very powerful place most never visit, daily or more, and that connection fills the rest of our time with harmony, care and joy.
6 – She cooks for me as her devotion. She attends to me. And I to her. We took on various little jobs, with no one asking it of each other. I pour drinking water from the big jug to the small one. I fill the water jugs in the "CR" comfort room for her to use to bathe. I make all the money and take her out for treats at restaurants and clubs. She constantly checks in on my hunger, what I want to eat, and purchases or prepares it. It isn't just that she does it, nor that she doesn't mind, it's that it comes off as genuine loving care, that she wants to do, that she loves to do. She likes to take care of me.
7 – She hand scrubs my clothes too, if money is a bit tight. She helps me pick out new clothes. She'll hand me what to wear in the morning, if I ask. She basically takes care of my body – food, sex, clothing.
8 – She is proud of me. She likes to show me off in public.
9 – She is proud of our love. She is very conscious of her decision to value love as the main priority in her life, and she cherishes and is proud of the real, rare, beautiful love we share. She knows it is what everyone wants, but few have. It is precious to her, and she is rightfully proud of herself and of us for realizing it's preciousness and giving ourselves to it.
10- She has two kids, and I kind of like that, by now, strangely. They seem to really like me – both call me Daddy even though the youngest receives much of her care from Sarah's sister and brother in law. I took them out to a movie last night. The 3 year old was very affectionate, and the delight on 4 year old T's face was priceless.
11 – She is in love with me, and prays every day that we can live together for the rest of our lives.
12 – She is not terribly materialistic, and while enjoying clothes and entertainment, doesn't give money and status the highest priority. She's happy to live dirt poor and close to the edge, if we are living together and trying to make a good go of it. It isn't that she is insensitive to the needs for money or the pleasures of it, but it is clearly nowhere near the top of her priorities, as it very often seems to be with people. She is a thick and thin kind of woman.
13 – Although it is her that works to set me to rage, she puts up with my rages. And my bouts of drinking, my wandering off to meditate, my hanging out at all hours at the internet cafe, my flatulence, my balding head, my being way to smart for her, my wandering eyes. She not only puts up with them, she seems to have somehow accepted all that as part of her family. The way I am is the way her husband is.
14 – She tries. She learns from mistakes and can say sorry. I shouldn't have to write this one, as it is fairly common in the west, but in Asia its a rare trait. She does try.
I'm not sure why I let myself play mate with my playmate. I must really want that in my life, and Sarah is offering it, heart and soul. The problems between us almost all stem from her being in love with me, not from conflicting feelings about being committed. If she feels slighted, it tears her up, and she acts out badly. If I'm working late at the internet cafe, she can't sleep and gets terribly distressed, her mind sometimes runs away with fantastic jealousies, and she can be disturbed for a while. She really crosses the line sometimes – it's terrible. At those times I feel I deserve better and wonder if I am abusing my time by settling for a mate who is not my peer.
So I'm conflicted. I was wrong that Sarah isn't going to give me new excuses to leave her – she still occasionally behaves childishly and hurtfully. But she also gives me new reasons to stay with her. Two nights ago, because of some heavy drinking plus reading some anti-Thai girlfriend articles plus chatting to Suzy Q from Bali, who refuses my affection and friendship because I abandoned her and didn't marry her after all, my feeling to be intimate with Sarah dropped off. I was worried that I had snapped and totally fallen out of love with her, and could not have sex. I told her that chatting with Suzy made me fear that I was, in essence, leading Sarah on, leading her to the brink of a cliff, and that I was in a state of panic about that, but that, not to worry, it would probably pass and was probably basically meaningless. It did pass, but that event wounded her. Anyway, that night she lucidly explained to me that she has chosen to be brave and give herself to love, no matter what the cost. She knows she can survive heartbreak, and won't timidly avoid love for fear of that. That is past smart – that's rare wisdom, and it gets respect. I've known many women, but only few put love at such a high place of value as she does, so we do share one core value, at least.
A lot of the negatives I've been into, and won't repeat. I've inquired as to the cost of Wellbutrin and Prozac, but drugs in this country are prohibitively expensive. Drug prices are the discretion of the collusion of the pharmaceutical manufacturers and retailers and the federal governments, they barely relate to cost of goods. Generics can usually legally be purchased wholesale from China or India at less than 1/100th of the retail cost. It's a racket. Neighbouring Indonesia and Thailand have the same drugs for a fraction of what they cost here. I think Sarah has some symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, and I suspect Wellbutrin and Paxil or Prozac could help her from being overwhelmed by feelings of insecurity and moody anger. I'll see about importing them.
I don't yet know the full similarities and differences between Thai and Filipino culture. This culture is different, but I see some similarities. Face. But I think there is more humour here.
I'm curious about others mate choices how did you choose, did you follow through on your original criteria, was it an accident or a selection What is missing, what is incredible that you never suspected possible.
Cripes mate, that sounds like it was written by a girl! I've never met a bloke who gave his relationship so much thought and analysis as this.