The Broken Man Repaired Part 4
Many contributors claim to write these submissions for therapeutic reasons; I declare my motivation for writing is that when I shuffle off this mortal coil, by reading them the executors of my estate will get some idea of where all the money went.
I arrived in Bangkok at the end of May for my fourth visit, but before I recount my adventures I beg the reader’s indulgence for a moment. Many recent submissions have focused on the negative aspects of life in Thailand; in the cause of perspective, allow me to offer a few observations.
Unlike many contributors I am not an Adonis who has women falling at his feet. I am 49 but when I ask Thai girls my age they guess it as 50 with an alarming frequency, which suggests I probably look nearer 60. When I ask the Thai girls, who know me well, if I am handsome, they smile and answer “you are good man for sure but handsome, No!”
I could be accused of being one of the worthless old sods that cannot attract a western woman and use my economic muscle with poor girls in the developing world. I cannot deny I have not had a date with a western woman for over two years.
So on my return to blighty following my last visit in November, fuelled by a confidence that only a trip to Bangkok can impart, I resolved to try my hand again with English women.
Several rejected advances and some unnecessarily nasty put-downs soon dampened my enthusiasm. Internet dating proved just as disturbing. A glance at the pretentious profiles, the list of requirements and unrealistic expectations submitted by English women evokes a feeling of despair. It did not take many encounters to establish that when women claim to have a “wicked sense of humour” it actually meant they have found new and scathing put-downs for us worthless creatures.
My experience with the daughters of Isaan had probably spoilt me for western women forever; it had certainly reduced my threshold of patience for accepting their capricious self-centeredness and meanness of spirit.
After six months I had my epiphany and realised, that a relationship with a western woman (which I was so ardently pursuing) was the very last thing I wanted.
Before I am dismissed as a misogynist, I must explain, I have never had problems with intelligent western women. I number many professional females amongst my friends. My best friend (Pip’s daughter) is an alarmingly intelligent and strikingly
beautiful young woman. Throughout my career I have done much to promote the cause of females in the engineering profession. Which is why it is particularly disappointing to realise that 30 years of liberation has merely made western women
By April, several months of celibacy and the shock that I had for a nanosecond began to fantasize about by ex-wife prompted the conclusion it was time to book the big bird back to Bangkok. If I am the archetypal sex tourist, then so be it.
I had just been made redundant again and my resources were limited so it was probably not sensible to blow my last grand on a trip to Thailand, but when do we ever do sensible? The thought of the ever beckoning chair in a nursing home contributed to the decision.
The Thai airways flight got me to Nana late afternoon in time to meet my old pal Pip in the Bus Stop to fuel up for the visit to Soi Cowboy. In the Dollhouse and Tilac I met up with some old pals and whilst it was good to see Pip again, for some reason I was still pissing Birmingham water and I found I couldn’t relax. Usually I have to suck a lemon to remove the permanent smile of my face as soon as I arrive in the Land of Smiles.
I eventually returned to Nana and to the Angels disco. It being the place of last resort I had not spent much time there and had never watched the floor show before. I found myself totally mesmerized by the dancers and their enchanting routines. I sat there for quite some time absolutely captivated by the simple charm of these girls until the call of nature prompted a visit to the toilet. I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror, and there it was again, the biggest grin in Thailand. I had returned home.
Next morning I dropped into the Nana’s Golden bar and chatted to a few girls. I usually have a girl from Golden bar as it serves as a sort of base camp for me. I am chosen by Von who I had met on a previous visit. She is a lovely sensible girl, 36 years old and experienced enough to know how to look after a man of a certain age. We have lunch together then back to my room to get to know each other and for her to take deposit of my 6 months of abstinence. At 7.00 she went home and I made way again to Soi Cowboy.
In the Dollhouse a delicious little creature joins me. The Mamasan who has known me for some time informed me that this girl had only been dancing a week and she had not been yet been barfined. She suggested I should take advantage of this opportunity. In the land of make believe who knows if this was true but there are times for the sake of your own sanity that you take things at face value and suspend a natural scepticism. This girl was perfection, only 19 years old with an anatomy that can best be described as a mouse’s ear. The experience was incomparable for a man of my advancing years, as my pal Union Hill declares “it don’t come in jars”.
Unlike most of the contributors to this site, I am not particularly well endowed. So whilst purchasing condoms in the pharmacy near the Nana when the girl asked if I wanted large or medium I fought the urge to say “large of course”. Experience has taught me the big ones fall off so I sheepishly requested medium hoping that there were no farang guys in earshot. Never let vanity override comfort.
My routine in first few days involved checking the Internet for job offers, afternoon sessions with Von and evenings in the ogling dens on NEP or Soi Cowboy. One evening I found myself in Mandarin in the NEP. I had not been in this bar for 18 months and I remember the girls then appeared to be very young. They appeared to have corrected this and now it was quite a pleasant bar. I sat for some time with two delightful sisters who attempted to persuade me to take them both for a threesome. Although this is on my list of “things to do” before my demise, pragmatism suggests this encounter may have accelerated the process so I declined.
Later in the Angelwitch my attention was drawn to one girl who was quite exotic and different. Her aquiline features suggested an Arabic or Middle Eastern ancestry. It transpires she was from the south. I was tempted to barfine her but a price of 5,000 baht for long time prompted an immediate phaang pay (too much) from me. She became quite angry and it was only because she had to return to dance that I managed to escape with my genitals intact. I am often amused at some of the girl’s perceptions of their value, the bar was almost empty of customers that evening but it is clear the normal laws of supply and demand do not apply in NEP.
On the Monday Pip took me to the Safari in Patpong to meet Union Hill who is one of the most entertaining contributors to this site. Intelligent and effortlessly amusing with a vigorous sense of mischief we recognized each other as kindred spirits and hit it off immediately. We made the obligatory visit to Queens Castle 2 where the new act impressed me enormously. The origami display I saw on my last trip was notable but propelling a peeled banana 20 foot across the room I considered most remarkable.
We ended up in a hostess bars on Soi 33 somewhat the worse for wear, discussing my theory that all women are at the same centres. My supposition is that the distance between mouth and quim is the same for all females it is only the legs that determine
the difference in a girls height. I based this hypothesis on empirical experience that no matter how tall or short the girl I had always been able to kiss them whilst connected. We discussed at length the likelihood of obtaining lottery funding
for more detailed research as only two drunks can.
I recall getting into his car and I let him drive on account of him being too drunk to sing. How we got back to our respective beds I do not remember but I feel it involved nothing more than genetic memory.
The corollary of the evening was the following day he disappeared without trace for a few days, events that became the subject of his recent submission “The Slippery Slope”. I may be partially to blame for inciting the urge for work avoidance and a desire for mischief in him. Although I suspect he is more than capable of getting into trouble unaided.
The following day I caught the bus down to Pattaya. In previous submissions the central theme has been my love affair with N who I met in Pattaya on my first visit in November 03. Our relationship has changed over the two years. My reluctance (and lack of resource) to join the institute of farang patrons allowed Tom (the other man) to step in and she is now full mia noi to him. Although he is already married in the UK she refers to him as her husband. Instructed to break contact with me a year ago, she evidently did not and having passed the Rubicon in our relationship have become true friends. She lives in a town south of Bangkok and had invited me to come and stay a couple of days on my way down to Pattaya.
N runs a property business and lives in a beautiful bungalow with its own swimming pool. She had become quite plump and matronly but it was lovely to see her again. On meeting we picked up the conversation as only good friends can. We spent a delightful couple of days talking incessantly around her pool and dining in small Thai eateries that obviously not seen many farang. The experience was bittersweet for me, I have never got N out of my system and still care deeply for her although I believe she loves her husband and I must accept there is probably no future for us.
Her niece had also come to stay for a few days. It was clear N had invited her down to correspond with my visit as compensation and to help me resist temptation. Kay was 25 years old and works with her sister in an office in the Prapadang area of Bangkok. More exotic than pretty, she was keen, she was there and at my age you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Kay was unusual in that with her parents still working and quite well to do she was not expected to send money home. She had never been married or had a child. Although 25 with no responsibilities she was more like an 18 year old western girl. It was a fascinating experience for me. I have not had a relationship with a 25 year old for over 20 years so I had a lot to learn.
I took her to stay in Pattaya with me. Thai girls take the concept of traveling light to extremes so the first task was to take her shopping for few essentials. 8,000 baht later I drew the line at a 3,000 baht bottle of perfume she was perusing. Once the boundaries were established she was a delightful if expensive companion. At night I would end up taking out at least one, sometimes two of her friends to dinner. I did not mind too much as her one friend would drive us about on her 1200 cc motorbike. Seeing this 40kg girl handle a powerful machine with 2 passengers one of whom was nearer 80 kg was a sight to behold.
Evening entertainment involved Walking Street but in venues such as Tony’s and Lucifer’s, places with my frugal tendencies I would not normally frequent. After a couple of days she had to return to Bangkok to work so I put her on the bus to Morchit, but not before taking 3 of her pals to MK which is a strange Japanese institution like a McDonalds fondue. I begin to understand why it is suggested that the age gap for a relationship should not exceed 20 years.
Alone again and seeking the opportunity for mischief I went straight to the Meeting Place in Soi Yamota to see my young pals. Whilst most of my friends in Bangkok are older distinguished gentlemen, all my pals in Pattaya are young men who share my passion for football. The lads who frequent this bar have hearts of gold but are best described as robust. All of them could make a living as extras in British gangster movies. That night they were all off to see the lady boy show at Alkazar, so I joined them. The incongruity of seeing the cream of British football hooliganism dressed in their finery, excitedly jumping on a baht bus to go and watch a bunch of blokes dressed up as women amused me no end.
I will draw a veil over the evening’s entertainment. If I were a 12 year old Asian boy I may have enjoyed the spectacle and the costumes, however 10 minutes into the show I had lost the will to live.
The night was salvaged by a trip to the Diamond ago go run by Ricky of Angelwitch fame. It is an excellent bar with a very good show and more than its fair share of beautiful girls. What most impressed was despite only meeting me on a few previous occasions Ricky recognized me from the Nana and actually remembered my name. I feel this is an indication of what a good manager he is and why I think it will become the major night spot in Walking Street.
Watching the part of the show involving the eating of bananas reminded me of some years ago when I was running a foundry in the Midlands. The receptionist was beautiful, a Teri Hatcher look alike. Every day I would bring her some fruit such as apples or oranges but at least two days a week I would give her a banana and would stay nearby to watch her eat it. Observing a beautiful girl slowly consume a banana is one of life’s simple sensuous pleasures. It took her almost 12 months to catch on to what I was doing.
Pattaya TV news was a source of amusement to me, particularly the cheesy “promotion suggestions” (adverts to me and you) and the blatant fawning to civic leaders involved in “charity”. More disturbing however were the scenes taken inside the hospitals of accident victims or of miscreants in the local police station.
The next evening N drove down and had Dinner with me in the Hippo in Soi 2. The steaks there are the best in Pattaya and we had a lovely evening. Always charming company but as usual she manages to disturb my equilibrium. I learnt a little more about her relationship with Tom, in many ways more than I really wanted to know. Particularly unsettling was her description that his manhood is so large that following his visits, her stomach aches that much she can not pass a solid stool for two weeks.
On Saturday evening Kay returned from Bangkok to spend the weekend with me. She is quite different this time; I assume her auntie had a chat with her as there was no expectation to entertain her friends and she ceased using me as an ATM. The next couple of days were quite idyllic. I taught her to swim and I also introduced her to the pleasures of a small vibrator I had bought with me. Sunday night I again put her back on the bus to Morchit and I take a trip to Living Dolls. The show is very good but I found myself enchanted by one of the serving girls, a cheeky minx of 36 with an evident sense of fun. I didn’t barfine her that evening but decided she was on my list for a subsequent occasion.
I never fail to be amused when I see western guys who have bought their farang girlfriends with them to Thailand and realise they have made the mistake of a lifetime. The expression on their face says it all: Please kill me! Some guys even take them into the ogling dens where they sit with a face like thunder whilst they themselves sit open mouthed in rapture. Some of my pals have observed that in this environment maybe the western women would give her man more sex to keep him happy, but I feel they have completely misunderstood the mindset of western woman.
Next day I take a taxi to N’s house to help her with a couple of letters she requested my help on. As always I was happiest in her company and we spent a pleasant and (unfortunately) platonic day together. Later when she drove me back to my hotel I gave her a gift of my vibrator but was disappointed when she wouldn’t let me demonstrate its operation to her. I hope Tom appreciates how faithful she has been to him, then again probably best he doesn’t know.
There was a party of Frenchmen in my hotel and listening to them reminded me that the French language was invented so blind people could also hate them. A further thought struck me that Thailand is the France of Asia. They have a similar land area, they are fiercely chauvinistic about their culture and cuisine, the women promise a sensuality they do not always deliver upon and they are universally hated by their closest neighbors.
Just as you think you have the measure of things in the dysfunctional Disneyland an incident occurs that shakes your complacency. That evening I return to the Living Doll and barfine the serving girl I was interested in the previous evening. At her request I took her to a bar she had previously worked. It was an Asian bar and I was the only farang there. All the girls were light skinned and looked very young. My Dek Serve Teeruk appeared genuinely attracted to me and I did everything right to let her make face. I bought drinks for all her friends and her old manager. I thought I was in for lifetime’s experience; she had a fantastic body for a girl of 36 but once back at my room when I inserted my member in her she went starfish on me. She complained that I talked too much (which I probably do) and seemed to be looking for an excuse for a quarrel. There were two possible reasons; she wanted me to just get on with giving her a shagging, or she was looking for an excuse to return to her Thai husband. I assumed the latter and let her go. On this occasion I admit my instinct was completely adrift but my major disappointment was I didn’t get to see her wear my Albion shirt.
By way of explanation I must declare my principle perversion is not furry handcuffs or katoey breakfasts but seeing Thai girls in a West Bromwich Albion football shirt. There is nothing so enchanting as a Thai girl wearing nothing but an Albion shirt. I always bring a couple of shirts in the small youths size that fit Thai girls to perfection. Most girls humour me in this and I now have a splendid collection of photos that never fail to raise a smile on cold match days in February.
The next morning N phones me to tell me she had 6 orgasms from my vibrator; I warn her it would eventually loosen the fillings from her teeth.
That evening I visit the Carousel, another very good bar with some gorgeous girls. I meet a delectable half Chinese girl who I barfine. She was 25, exquisite and one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen in my life. She was attentive and delightful company. It was my last night in Pattaya, I know if I had met her on my first night I would have been in love with her by the second and probably planning a visit to the British Embassy by the third.
Instead I return to Bangkok and book back into the Nana. I meet Pip and we catch the Skytrain to Patpong to meet up with Union Hill in Safari. He gave us the full story of his disappearance down the slippery slope. After the mandatory hour in Queens Castle we head off to an Irish bar to meet up with his wife and her friend. The friend is an alluring creature. In her mid 40s she still has exceptional looks and an amazing body although I note her dress and make up would have been more appropriate to a girl half her age. I have it explained to me that since the death of her husband she had gone astray and was considered somewhat of a slapper.
Because I enjoy the company of Union Hill and his wife I am happy to make up a foursome and we make our way to the Sheraton. There is an excellent band playing and uncharacteristically I found myself dancing the night away with this female. We all end up back at the Nana hotel for an excellent supper, I was quite taken with this lady and I had been charm personified to her all evening. However what I found most disconcerting that even though she has recently acquired a reputation for not being too discriminating in her choice of men, it was obvious to me that she had no interest in me and did not fancy me at all. For the first time in Thailand I felt I was back in Dudley.
I awoke next morning in need of a friend so was disappointed that Von was not at work. I had the Bangkok blues, and moped around a few bars to no purpose all day. My spirits lifted when I later met up with my old Pal Dr John. We have been friends for 20 years. He now lives and works in Chaing Mai but comes down a couple of days a month to teach at a university in Bangkok. After a pleasant dinner in the Bus Stop we find ourselves in the new Rainbow bar in NEP. Two girls join us and although I am not particularly interested I buy a lady drink as much out of boredom as politeness. John is engrossed in conversation with the other girl and when they go back to dance he took the opportunity to enlighten me about his companion. Half Japanese, he had previously seen her around the university, she also recognised him as soon as he walked in. She had recently graduated with an honours degree in business but as she could not get a job had taken to dancing. This was her first week but had not yet been barfined, her Japanese looks did not appeal to farang and she was a bit too large for the Asian taste. He suggested I barfine her, which I did. In 20 years he had never given me bad advice.
I was not disappointed. Her English was good, if a little unusual which I attribute to her business education. She wanted to chat, which I am always willing to do because I am always eager to learn. Na told me a year ago she had a relationship with a farang who was her English tutor and 60 years old. She also claimed due to pressures of study she had not had sex for 9 months. I suspended my scepticism to enjoy the moment.
Now I am no great shakes as a lover but with the assistance of Mr Pfizer I turned in a performance worthy of a man half my age. If Sven Goran Erickson had been in attendance I would have been selected for the England team or at least made the squad for certain. For only the second time in 20 years I have had a girl scream out my name in genuine ecstasy. She was also a charming girl and she chatted away the night in my arms.
My spirits restored, I woke refreshed, made my way to the Golden Bar and immediately barfined Von. Somewhat on a roll, I surprised her that day. She had got to know me quite well by now and as usual expected the usual sedate and uninspiring lovemaking she had become accustomed to with me. As she relaxed I introduced Mr Tongue to her. Taken completely unawares, as it touched her dithery bit she doubled up in orgasm, more from being unexpected than any great technique. She playfully hit me, admonishing me for surprising her. She left at 7.00 perhaps seeing me in a new light.
I must recount an amusing incident that evening. On my way to Soi Cowboy I caught a scooter taxi that went a strange route. This involved mounting the pavement by Nana BTS, a route took me past an Indian tailors. Picture the scene I am on the back of bike but the Hindu salesman’s pavlovian reaction to seeing a farang is an immediate “Hello sir do you want nice suit?” In retrospect I should have shocked him by instructing the driver to enter the shop on the bike.
In the Dollhouse, Miss Mouse’s ear joins me. The shy little thing had changed in the 10 days since my last encounter. She sported several gold chains and the Mamasan informed me she had been barfined every night. I barfined her again but I discovered what many men my age must discover at some point in a LOS campaign, the spirit is willing but the flesh is totally inadequate. The adage “eyes bigger than belly” is also appropriate. I know trying to compensate for 6 months celibacy with 3 weeks in Thailand is analogous to trying to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, and supper in one sitting.
The next day was Saturday, I barfined Von and let her go and spend the day with her son. That afternoon Kay phoned asking if she could come to see me for the weekend. When she arrived she rushed me up to my room and her youthful enthusiasm and gentle ministrations soon restored my dented libido. I later took her to the Angels disco. Like myself the dancing and the music mesmerized her and it was lovely to sit with a young girl who so unmistakably contented in the entertainment and hopefully my company.
A question that has occasionally intrigued me whilst watching the honeys parade along Suhkumvit Rd is “where do the ugly women go?” A shopping trip to the Siam area on Sunday answered this for me. In search of a pair of shoes for Kay we appeared to visit every shopping mall, emporium and centre in a one-mile radius and I saw as many plain and ugly women as I would in Wolverhampton. <Shows how different we all are. To me, shopping centres like Emporium have the pretty girls and Sukhumvit has the slappers – Stick>
That evening we had a night of music. I took Kay to the small Country Road bar in Soi Cowboy and was delighted to hear “Have you ever seen the rain” being played, the only place in the world it is. We then went to its sister bar around the corner before ending up once again in the Angels disco. Kay had to return to work the following morning and had intended to go on Sunday night but reluctant to leave she postpones her journey until 6.00 the next morning.
I may have established a way of determining if a girl is a bona fide office girl or a bar girl. I commend it to the house that ordinary office girls don’t trim their pubic bushes whereas bar girls invariably trim or shave their mudgeons. I do not base this assertion on any large statistically significant sample but merely the observation from my limited experience of the few office girls I have encountered. I would welcome other opinions on this vital educational issue.
The next day I have a lazy day with Von. She comments that she hadn’t been out for an evening’s entertainment for several months so I offer to take her. Her choice of venue was the Coliseum, which is reputed to showcase the best of the Thai pop scene. The venue is pleasant but the entertainment could best be described as dire. It was as if a bunch of 13 year olds had taken over the running of the Eurovision song contest. However Von was absolutely enthralled and the smile she had on her face all night would have illuminated a small dance hall. To see a world-weary 36 year old became a carefree 16 year old is one these experiences I come to Thailand for almost as much as the sex. “It doesn’t come in jars”.
The next day was my last day. I paid the barfine for Von to have the day off and provisionally arranged to see her later that evening. I met up with Pip and a few otherfriends for an excellent buffet lunch at the Tai Pai complex. I returned to the Golden bar and fell into a conversation with an English guy from my home town. He was an ex bank manager about my age but he was claiming difficulties with his 23 year old girlfriend. He felt he was not getting her full attention and that her family was taking priority over him. I felt his expectations were far too high. He was a genuine bloke but I was a little taken aback at his naivety and was surprised he was still “pissing Birmingham water” this being his third trip here. He was upset that she couldn’t spend his last night with him due to a family commitment. I suggested he accompany me to Soi Cowboy that evening to meet some old hands who would enlighten him. I also assured him that without a doubt her mother would ensure his teeruk would see him off at the airport tomorrow to ensure he didn’t depart without an appropriate gift. As we were on the same flight the next day I suggested we share a taxi to prove my point.
A visit to the Dollhouse and Tilac and a discussion with Pip helped him to better understand the rules of engagement. We end up in the Long Gun, it was clear the attentions of the boys in brown had affected the content of the show but the dancers are well choreographed and I think under normal conditions the show would have been very impressive. By this time it was too late to contact Von, so I made my way back to the Rainbow in NEP to see Na my little Japanese geisha. She seemed genuinely pleased to see me telling me she had not been in work since she saw me last. I barfined her and took her back to my room but found the effects of Mr Heinekin and Khun Singha prevented me raising more than a smile. However spending my last night with a soft warm affectionate girl in my arms was what I needed more than sex. The next morning she helped me pack but wouldn’t stop for breakfast with me.
That morning sure enough my bank manager pal had his girl friend in attendance. She was a delightful girl and absolutely delicious, I must admit I felt quite jealous of him. We shared a taxi to the airport and sure enough she received her gift of 15,000 baht. The upshot is he has subsequently contacted me to inform me, to my surprise, he has obtained a visa for her to come to the UK.
I return from holiday almost destitute with no job, barely £2 in my current account and a considerable credit card debt but I return with my spirit repaired and my soul once again restored. I can not deny that the rejection I receive from women in the west drains my spirit so the attention and affection I receive on my twice yearly visits are now fundamental to the maintenance of my sanity.
I acknowledge that Thailand is not an unmitigated paradise and Thai girls certainly have their faults. As one astute contributor noted “nothing matters but the current transaction”. But for a guy like me it remains the only game in town.
I reflect that almost all the girls I had been on with previous visits had found farang patrons/boyfriends. What this means I am not sure but it suggests an increasing number of guys perceive the expense of supporting a Thai girl preferable to a relationship with a western woman.
Although I do enjoy the occasional encounter with beautiful girls half my age and half my weight generally my associations are with girls 30 plus which I find far more satisfying. I know the adage “if you pay them they are not your girlfriend you are their customer” but this is too simplistic a panacea for the complex interplay that constitutes relationships in Thailand. I believe in many cases the affection is quite genuine, particularly with older girls. At least I am willing to suspend my doubt sufficient to enjoy the moment.
Since my return I have had emails from Kay and Na but experience suggests being young they will soon get bored and move on. N continues to contact me almost daily. After two years I no longer question her motivation for doing so. By any measure I do not stand comparison with her patron. He is rich, a paragon of virtue who does not smoke or drink and leads a healthy lifestyle. He is younger than me, more virile and allegedly hung like a small elephant. But maybe she just needs a friend, she is a bird in a gilded cage and my friendship has always offered her an amusing distraction. I certainly value her friendship greatly.
Three weeks on I start a new job as General Manager of an established company in a new city 150 miles away from my home town. For a few months at least I must focus my attention on rebuilding my career and depleted finances.
Many of my friends berate me suggesting as an educated professional I should be able to find what I am seeking here in the west without having to make the twice yearly 5000 mile trip. The new job in a new city may present the opportunity for a new start but please excuse me if I don’t hold my breath.
I very much doubt that this is the last chapter of my adventures in Thailand.
A very nice report indeed.