Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 92

  • Written by Dana
  • July 16th, 2005
  • 11 min read


A GRATEFUL METROPOLIS

PREFACE: Sonic booms will announce my night time arrival as I sweep in out of the west in a hypersonic delta wing gold float plane made of spent uranium, brushed plutonium, and Thai noodles in epoxy. Sweeping in off the Pattaya Bay deck at 4500 knots I will then pull the yoke into my chest and head for Polaris at 16000 knots. At seventy miles high as I float over the suborbital zero gravity top the few seconds of weightlessness will have my naked big bulb dick waving like a Spring tulip in the sun. Then a screaming dive down to Pattaya using the waving bargirls on three miles of crescent beach as a navigational aid. Splashdown 500 yards offshore at 700 knots and two complete kayak rolls off the beach to kill speed for sand contact. A high-heeled six foot tall katoey in a black fishnet bodysuit will carry me ashore and deposit me in my solid gold baht bus. Another visit to Pattaya has started.

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: This is the future gentleman and it is coming faster than anyone could have imagined. When I first promulgated the notion of turning Beach Road and North Pattaya Road and South Pattaya Road and Pattaya 2nd Road into runways so that long haul and short haul airliners could land direct in Pattaya thus saving the car and bus and taxi trips from Bangkok the wisdom of this idea was instantly apparent to everyone. Pattaya municipal movers and shakers were all over this idea like a dog on a bone; or in Pattaya parlance–like an over-the-hill bargirl on a fat German's sausage. But nothing could have prepared them and prepared me for the firestorm of interest worldwide in this idea. Although it is true that it is July and the inaugural plane load of Pattaya bound smilers is not due to arrive until 10:00 p.m. New Year's Eve; already the smell of money from this forward thinking idea is wafting around the world and investors are now throwing pebbles against my windows and slipping business cards and blank Swiss bank checks under my Nana Hotel room door.

When this idea was first made public by me on the Stickmanbangkok.com public forum in the submission Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 91–Every 50-60 Minutes: I had to rush out of my room at the Mothership (Nana Hotel) and run down to the Angels Disco in my Superman pajamas (cape included) and get the fire extinguisher. Then back up four flights of stairs and turn the fire extinguisher on the email inbox which had caught on fire. This idea puppy makes Newton's falling apple thing look like a historical yawn. Rich men do not always get the credit they deserve but one thing they are recognised for is their ability to sniff out a truffle of opportunity. And this direct air route to Pattaya has excess baht up the kazoo written all over it. Investors are lined up to bid on landing rights like the fuzz faced Cobra Exercise hopefuls lined up at Tony's Disco and Whorarium. The fires of Dresden are nothing compared to the heat and light that this idea is generating and the snowball of genius and greed and optimism and machismo jockeying is now rolling downhill and growing in size even as I type this.

The first thing that is going to happen is that in October when I am next in Pattaya I am going to be presented with the Medal Of Pattaya (MOP) by the Mayor. The ceremony will be held on Walking Street. I hear that the gold medal is Trink sized and has an obverse relief of a bargirl superimposed on the fuselage of a 747. It is hard to see what she is doing but the plane looks happy. The medal reverse has the Pattaya mantra and motto: DON'T OVERPAY.

Upon receiving the Medal Of Pattaya (MOP) on Walking Street in October my first order of business will be to hold an all night block party from Soi 6 to Walking Street on the Beach Road boulevard and get all the construction holes filled in. Screw the black plastic pipes. No one knows what they are for in the first place–especially the Thais. We will just get good and hammered and throw all the black pipes and other shit in the holes and then fill them up with dirt. A grateful Metropolis may ask me to run for Mayor.

Speaking of running for Mayor; it is rumored that when I am presented with the Medal Of Pattaya (MOP) it is also going to be announced that this is officially the Year of the Dana (beats Rat and Pig). There has even been some wild talk by men with strange accents and big wallets of changing the name of the seaside metropolis from Pattaya to Danaville. But I have counseled against this. Besides, I think –ville– is a French word (Fuck the French). Many other ideas have been floated and endorsed by me as part of Pattaya's new aviation and profitable future and a partial list appears below:

1. The arch sign at the head of Walking Street will be replaced with a 100 foot high statue of me with my legs spread and planted on each side of the street. You will have to walk under my genitalia to access Walking street. Warning: Don't look up at my private parts as you walk between my legs otherwise waiting watching katoeys will throw nets over you and you will graduate to another world of pleasure.
2. There will be a bronze statue of me sitting on a bench on the boulevard at Soi 13 waiting in perpetuity for Fa.

3. There will be a life-size statue of me inside the lobby doors of the A.A. Hotel.

4. There will be statuary of me in every bar. You can pray to Buddha and then reflect on me.

5. Bargirls grateful and stunned at the incoming tsunami wave of baht brought in by these Airbuses and 747's and 777's and 767's will name their children Dana. Very flattering.

6. Additionally, grateful bargirls with names like Lek and Noi, and Na and Toy, and Bang and Joy will be renaming themselves Dana. Thousands of bargirls will be named Dana. It will be possible to fuck me all over Pattaya. This should make some of you very happy.
7. The Tahitian Queen Bar on Beach Road will be forced by Dana Decree to change it's name to Dana Bar–everybody is sick and tired of reading about this overrated place.
8. There will be a new newspaper in town: the Pattaya Dana–All Dana All The Time.

9. All farang-bargirl and farang-bar altercations will be adjudicated by Dana. I will always find in favor of the farang.

10. Investors will pool their resources and there will be a Dana Air airline–10 big mother Airbuses smashing down every 50-60 minutes with slant-eyed inflatable dolls strapped to the wings and a hood ornament of me on the nose of the great leviathan. "Look up in the sky: It's a bird–it's a plane–it's a plane with Dana on the nose." Powder your pussys girls–Dana coming in. Flaps down-Wheels down–Dana down–Skirts up–Panties down. Time to Dana.

11. South Pattaya bargirls acting as tarmac ground crew for the arriving planes will be dressed like Pattaya Dana in elephant decorated beach pants–Indian cotton shirt–black foam flipflops–silver jewelry up to the elbows and necklaces and flowers and beads. Waving the planes in with wands in each hand and dressed like Dana this ground crew will have the Japanese tourists snapping pictures like. . . well, like Japanese tourists. Danas everywhere. Can you say Paradise?

12. Already in the Municipal works–even before the first inaugural flight of juiced up Australians and big dick katoeys is due to arrive on New Year's Eve is Pattaya specific and Pattaya minted Dana currency–not accepted anywhere else in Thailand but earns a usage discount in Pattaya. Sex paid for with Dana Doubloons earns a free blowjob. The 500 baht gold plated coins will have a smiling Isaan female face on one side and a picture of me on the other side. "Hey sailor–is that a roll of Dana Doubloons in your pocket–or are you just glad to see me?"

13. Part of the profits from the Dana Doubloons will be spent to search the Internet going back 10 years and identify any farang who ever said anything negative about sex tourists or men in general–these dweebs will not be allowed in Pattaya. Go pick berries with your sisters. Pattaya is for men and for women. And we know what we like.

14. Departing Pattaya vacationers boarding planes on Beach Road or North Pattaya Road or South Pattaya Road or Pattaya 2nd Road with Dana Doubloons still in their pockets will be banned from further visits to Pattaya. The Dana Doubloons are to pay for sex with the most wonderful women in the world. If you do not want to have sexual relationships with the most wonderful women in the world do not get on the plane in Oslo or Montreal or Sydney or Paris or Dubai or Manilla.

15. Farangs caught in Pattaya by the Bay not having sexual relationships with the most wonderful creatures God every created will be forced to have public sex in Soi Diamond on the steps of the Diamond Hotel with 60 year old mamasans. A stable of these toothless greasy foul mouthed creatures in green gum boots and filthy bras will be kept on hand by me and used nightly. Sorry guys–with the glory also comes responsibility. I have to do this. There have to be standards. The Fuck of Shame will be at midnight. Cameras encouraged. Free film compliments Dana and the Pattaya Municipal Government.
OFFICIAL PROVISO: No condoms will be sold in Pattaya as of New Year's Eve at 10:00 P.M. when the first incoming 747 painted up to look like a giant can of Foster's beer touches down. If you don't want to have sex do not get on the airplane. Story time is over. You either are a player or you are not a player. If you have opinions and philosophies leave them at home. Better yet: don't even come. Loser.

16. Bargirls and Gogo Girls and Freelancers with the ‘Mark of Dana' on them will be off-limits to all Pattaya players. The ‘Mark of Dana' will be a picture of me tattooed above the tunnel of love. If you see this it is time to zip up Heinrich or you are going to be butt fucking an ugly mamasan at midnight on the steps of . . . well, you know. The first three girls to receive the ‘Mark of Dana' will be Fa and Uri and Tum. Don't even think about it. These Dana honeys are off-limits. These girls are so off-limits that. . . well, they are off-limits asshole.

CONCLUSION: Well, that's about it for now guys. Some of these ideas will start at 10:00 P.M. on New Year's Eve when the first planeload of happy smilers arrives direct in South Pattaya without having to catch a bus or a taxi or a car from Bangkok. Some of these ideas are going to be put into action when I am presented with the Medal Of Pattaya (MOP) in October. And many of these ideas are being put into action right now. Like a lightening strike fire streaking across a plain of dry summer grass new ideas are in the wind for Pattaya. Having planes landing every 50-60 minutes on North Pattaya Road or South Pattaya Road or Beach Road or Pattaya 2nd Road disgorging tens of thousands of happy sex tourists and trillions of baht is going to irrevocably and improvingly change the face of South Pattaya. I wouldn't be surprised if in my lifetime the capital of Thailand moves from Bangkok to Pattaya. Who knows?

But for now we do know one thing without doubt or hesitation: in the future when men are leaving their places of employment all over Asia and Europe and India and Malaysia and points further afield early Friday afternoon and boarding planes for Pattaya direct; it will be called ‘Doing a Dana'.

So the next time you are strolling down the boardwalk with a Swenson's ice cream cone in one hand and a brown skinned gift from God in the other hand and you hear a sonic boom– look out at the bay. See that ballistic speck pulling a wall of friction fired oxygen flames? That's me baby. Buck naked and burning the watery deck with exhaust at 4500 knots. Just as my GPS issues a Klaxon warning and tells me I have crossed the line that connects the two Pattaya Bay headlands I will sternum slam the yoke and go vertical at 13,000 knots. It's me baby. Dana. It's the weekend and I'm coming in. Boston to Pattaya–two hours.

All Hail Pattaya–All Hail Dana–All Hail Pattaya

Stickman's thoughts:

Dirty Dana does it again.