The Overnight Shuttle To Nirvana
[06:39:47] Tuesday morning. My stunning Thai babe is riding me on top and she's moaning and groaning and panting and sweating. I'm having the ride of my life and there's only one thing on my mind. Only one thing! "Come On Teeruk", "Come On Baby", "Keep going!", "Don't Stop!". I can feel it coming. It's nearly there! I'm on the way to that point where every man dreams of being. Those few seconds before that "Oh!", "Oh!", "Oh Baby!". I'm nearly there, and so is she! That moment where two people of the opposite sex reach a climax simultaneously. That Nirvana! That point of no return. That point where life begins and misery ceases to exist. That point where money is no object and love is just another word! I'm nearly there, just a few more seconds. Don't stop now baby, just a little bit longer. And we'll be riding that wave together into blissful orgasmic unison.
[06:40:00] My heart leaps out of my body and I feel like I'm about to die for a second. What the hell happened? Loud pumping music fills the air as my 'all-in-one radio alarm clock video voice recording multimedia handset' comes to life at precisely the time it was programmed. The music just gives me a fit and I throw myself onto the other side of the room in a desperate attempt to switch it off a.s.a.p and evade the shocking reality that I'm faced with. I fall back onto the bed again & cover myself in the quilt one more time. Now, those precious few seconds before the point of no return are but distant, fading memories of my youth, it seems. I close my eyes once more and I try hard to return to that magical moment but my mind is already investigating other trayectories and I find myself distracted by more urgent issues, like getting to work on time. Shit man! What a bummer! Another Blue Ball moment? Suddenly my second 'all-in-one radio alarm clock video voice recording multimedia handset' comes to life, and now, there is simply no way I'm gonna get out of this one since I have it in the dining room connected to a sound booster box with rather large speakers. It's not a simple dive across the room any more, it's a 'get your arse out of bed and run into the next room to switch the damn thing off before your immediate neighbors go apeshit'.
[06:40:30] My mouth feels as dry and parched as the 'Empty Quarter' and I can't swallow to save my life! I really can't swallow and my mouth tastes like a sewer in the sweltering heat of Extremadura! Well, I guess there's no saliva there anyway, so why the fuck do I need to swallow? I make it to the kitchen, tripping over some metallic bottle cap. Aawww! I grab a bottle of mineral water from the fridge and stand there in my boxers with the water bottle tilted 70 degrees and I swallow and I swallow and I swallow. I pause for a moment, I take a deep breath, then I swallow some more, and some more and some more. I make it to the bathroom but I don't dare look in the mirror. I brush my teeth with my head in the sink. Oh Shit! I really must give the dentist a call one of these days! I fill my hand with Wilkinson's foam and cover my face, I grab the Gillete Mach 9 Turbo and start scraping away barely opening one eye. All of a sudden, there's blood running down my neck and there's no way that's gonna stop bleeding before I put that respectable white collar on.
[06:47:22] I make it to the shower but there's no cold water. It's coming out warmer than warm and the Water Heater is off! I swivel the shower knob, but there's no cold water. I reluctantly take a warm shower and dry off. I hair-dry a pair of socks and put on my khakis. I grab a pre-made tie & shirt combination and I take one last look in the the mirror. I take a good look at my bloodshot eyes and think. What the hell am I doing here? I grab my car keys, my wallet and my favorite 'all-in-one radio alarm clock video voice recording multimedia handset' and go down the lift to the car in the basement. I start the engine and immediately put on the air-con. I put on an Eminem tape and away I go. I drive down these obcsenely wide boulevards bordered by palm trees and artificial water spraying garden hoses. All just a superficial eco-makup to give you the impression that you're not actually in the middle of a 'waste-sand-land' after all. It's another dreaded 40 minutes on the way to the office dodging crazy Pakistani taxi drivers in fast accelerating Corollas and 'mysterious headlight flashing driverless' black-windowed Land Cruisers.
[07:17:04] I swipe my card 2:04 minutes late. I know for sure that I'll get that auto-generated Time Attendance email indicating that I was 2:04 minutes late to work, but will I get an auto-HR-generated 'Warning email' too? I'm sure it'll be an item on the next Senior Management Meeting agenda. Did I say Senior? I finally make it to my desk and click the seat into reclining position. Once in reclining mood, I don't get up for anybody, no matter how urgent it is. They can call me all they like, but if I'm in the reclining position they better not expect immediate attention, because there's no way…..I log in and check my emails, sure enough, there goes that Time Attendance email into the 'Deleted Items' folder. I check the status of our 90-odd servers and sure enough, everything is on-line and happily churning away all kinds of network requests. Hold on! There's a Yellow Warning Eventon SRVCOM04, I take a look. I've seen that before, so on to the others. Wait a minute, I see a Red Error Event on SRVFAX05. Oh dear! I think I'll just down that one for the day since it has a total of 1 users receiving one fax per month anyway. So it's just another miserable day on the Arabian Peninsula. I double-click on Internet Explorer and it immediately takes me to…..where else but www.stickmanbangkok.com! Hmmm! Three submissions today, nice! I feel better already…..
[08:45:35] I hear the office door open, and right bang on time, the Supervisor from Hell arrives! The Supervisor everyone dreads… His name? Madas A D. Nobody is sure what the initials stand for, but according to some of my colleagues, A stands for Arsehole and D stands for Dickface, but I can never be sure! People in our Department keep changing them on a daily basis, in fits of laughter, I should add. So, trying my best to ignore his arrival I continue reading that attention grabbing Stickman submission. Suddenly, I get four or five email alerts, and I know for sure they are all from Madas A D but I do my best to ignore them since I have 1 more submission to read. Suddenly I hear Madas approaching so I quickly minimize the IE Window and pretend to be reading his demanding emails. He stands there at my side pretending not to look at my screen and starts interrogating me on my previous afternoon's work assignments while he was at some 'managerial' meeting. I quickly invent some scenarios so as to detract his attention onto other subjects. Annoyingly, he persists with his original questions and I feel like there's no way I'm gonna evade his persistence today. I agree, and agree and agree. "Yes, Madas, you are right" I tell him. He smiles and relaxes his hideous posture. I say "I never thought of that Madas", "You are so right! Let's do that! Great Idea! You're a genius!" He smiles his repulsive Damascuan grin and returns to his desk.
[09:20:37] I'm chatting to my down-to-Earth laid back Palestinian colleague and I tell him "You know what? I need a fix!" He asks me "So you're going back again?" and I say "I just need a break from this Madas!" He replies "Everyone needs a break from that Madas!" Don't worry I''ll cover because I know you cover for me!" I ask "Are you sure?"….."Just Do It!", he replies.
[09:25:47] I pick up the phone and call my million dollar smile filipina Travel Agent, Melissa. Disappointingly, some Indian picks up the phone and starts yaking on in what could only be described as a high-piched accelerated form of pigeon English. He tries very hard to explain she'll be back in 20 minutes so I distant the handset from my earlobe and quickly thank him very much and hang up.
[10:26:01] We discuss the 'War in Iraq', the Isreali withdrawal from the Gaza strip and other Middle-Eastern issues, and both of us are in agreement! The Palestinians deserve better!
[11:05:57] I call Melissa again.
Me: "Hi Mel! You know what?"
Mel: "Are you going back again?"
Me: "Yeah! I need a break!"
Mel: "Ok! Just give me the dates and I'll call you back"
Me: "How about tonight? One week!"
Mel: "Really? Tonight?"
Me: "Well, just see what you can do…"
Mel: "Ok. I'll call you back, ok?"
Me: "Ok.! Try and make it before 1pm if you can"
Mel: "Ok. Give me half an hour and I'll call you back"
Me: "Ok. Thanks Mel"
[11:37:55] Mel calls me and confirms my 17:30 departure for one week. I tell her ok I'll be there at 12:30 to collect the ticket. I approach Madas A D and hand him the Vacation Request sheet and explain, yes, my colleague is in agreement, I will cover for him next month, don't worry. Madas A D gives me a look of reluctant acceptance and proceeds to sign my Time-Off Sheet! I snap the form from his oversized Damascuan hands and proceed to our Departmental Manager's Office. We greet, and he takes one look at the sheet. "Just a week? No problem!" he tells me. He signs the sheet. He is Palestinian! (Nice people by the way)
[12:10:02] I make it to the car. It's 48C in the shade! And I can swear that inside my car, it's 70C and more. I'm as hungry as hell, but I must get my priorities in order! I start the car and put the Air-Con on Full. I burn my hands on the steering wheel and it's 20 mins to the Travel Agent. It takes at least 10 minutes to cool down inside the car! Meanwhile my armpits are like faulty bathroom taps, and the heat is nauseating. I make it to Mel's office and park on the curb. Too many cars here. I put on the Warning lights and run inside from the heat leaving the engine trundling away and the AirCon on Full. Mel is busy on the phone and I'm worried about a parking ticket. Five minutes later, she smiles and hands over my ticket and a tiny slip of paper I need to sign. I hand over my Visa card and it's a done deal! What a way to live! Sign tiny pieces of paper and go wherever you want! And guess where I'm going? Oh boy! It's my birthday today and Mel knows it! "Have a nice time!" she says smiling at me as I leave. "Would you like to come with me?" I ask jokingly. Her face lights up as I step into the heat. "Too busy!" She says as the door closes.
[14:30:09] I make it back to the office & grab a sandwich at the Cafeteria. I send my Departmental Manager an email requesting 2 hours off for "Check-in time" to start NOW! I immediately receive an affirmative email regarding my 2 hours.
[15:00:17] I drive back to the 'compound' and on the way I stop at the Exchange to buy some dollars. "Fifteen hundered in one hundered dollar bills please" I request. "And do you have any of those new crispy ones?". She hands over the cash and I rub all fifteen notes between my fingers. I put them to my nose and they smell wonderful. I love this stuff!
[15:48:41] I make it back to the 'compound'. I throw a few things into a bag and I stand there thinking. Shall I take the Laptop? Oh fuck it! I can't be bothered this time. I leave it behind. I make it out into the heat with my bag and hail over a taxi. I take the back seat and tell him "Airport please". I put on Eminem on the Walkman and pretend not to hear his crap. Just another hour and a half I think, and I'll be on that plane…Get me the fuck out of here!
[17:27:47] I take my windows seat on the 737 Thai Airways overnight shuttle and I'm buzzing! I look out of the Window and as we take off down the runway and I think there's only one thing I'm certain of. Tomorrow I going to get laid! That's for sure!
Everyone needs a Fix once in a while! What's your fix?
I really enjoyed that!