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Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 87

  • Written by Dana
  • June 11th, 2005
  • 19 min read


CUT OFF THE BRAIDS

Are you like me? Do you sometimes hanker for the good times? Do you sometimes wish you were back in Thailand? Back in the soft sweet brown arms of an Issan smiler? Of course you do! I can't be the only one. So I'll bet you have sometimes thought of something to assuage those feelings. Something I have followed up on. Yes, that's right; I am talking about getting an inflatable doll.

Don't pretend you don't know about such things. They've had them since World War II (honk if you love the plastics industry). The only difference now is that there is a range of possibilities that would startle the imagination of a poor lonely farm boy in the 50's. Personally (can we talk?) I have been having diverse and rewarding relationships with inflatable Thai and other Asian inflatable women for years and I have scrapbooks full of wonderful pictures to remind myself of love shared (no emails please–I am just validating your dreams). And of course what man does not love to buy gifts for his Thai girlfriends? If you go into Mike's Shopping Mall in South Pattaya there is a women's store inside on the left that has wonderful wigs. In addition your real Thai girlfriend will help you shop for those little short pleated skirts with the suspenders favored by the smart set in high school, little back packs, little white ankle socks, white blouses, and black loafers. Nothing says love like giving gifts and your Thai inflatable honey will blush (optional accessory–I recommend it) when she opens the packages with her warm lifelike pliable latex hands. And don't forget to go to one of the document providers on Khao San road and get her a Thai ID card that says she is 18. If you want to have fun–dress her up in your own country in this schoolgirl outfit and then take her for a walk in a cemetery. She'll give dead men hardons. If you are new to the world of inflatable relationships or if it has been a while since you gave yourself to a woman of latex a little review might be in order. But first just let me say that I love you man. I understand you. You are special. We share something; and like me–your love is quenched by latex fires.

Inflatable dolls now come in every size and nationality and race that you can imagine. They can be idiot basic and cheap ($20.00–"She doesn't look like the honey on the cover of the box but she will get the job done!") or fully accessorized and life sized in a single mold latex body casting–Tera Patrick Erotic Love Doll ($314.50). The Tera Patrick love doll is so life like I'm probably not man enough. She has an erotically noduled customized-to-fit (?) futurotic mouth (sounds scary). Inflatable love companions can come with the basic plastic hair and three holes or they can come with real hair, wireless, scented, water fillable, glowing, squirting, moaning, talking, vibrating, and dual language (Alicia Rio Latin doll speaks English and Spanish–great, someone who will say No to me in two languages). The Japanese high end inflatable love dolls are so lifelike that they are posed in clothes on the web sites so as not to offend anyone. Real woman or anime–up to 600,000 yen (inflatable Love Doll stylings by Hideo Tsuchiya–40 years in the business–some children want to be doctors–some want to be . . . ). Makes you wonder why the Japanese come to the Rainbow bar at the NEP when they've got 600,000 yen of love in the hotel room closet. A Buddhist ceremony is available that will consecrate the souls of these dolls.

600,000 yen for a fuck doll? Holy Boomsing. No wonder the Japs overpay for the real thing in Thailand. If they are willing to pay this much for a fake woman I guess it stands to reason that a real woman should cost more. The only problem is that in the wacky and denigrating world of the Thailand nightlife industry (industry–what a joke; since when is spreading your legs on par with smelting steel?) the logic may now be faulty and reversed. It may be that the Japanese Love Doll has more value and provides better service than the real Thai bargirl. Warm your inflatable doll up in the bath or with an electric blanket or in the balcony sun and then pound her like a carpenter at a hammer convention. No arguments, no headaches, no moods, no CELL PHONES, no locking herself in the bathroom, no towel nonsense, no condom nonsense, no motorcycle scars, no stretch marks, no spooky prison-gang tattoos, and no "NO". You would think the Japanese would be paying LESS for the real thing at the Nana Entertainment Plaza. Question: Do the Japanese Love Dolls come with 4 inch deep vaginas and batteries that only last four minutes? Just wondering.

A booming business in Tokyo by a company called Doll no Mori that will for sure come to Thailand to service the Japanese is Love Doll delivery. Love Dolls of your choosing delivered to your home or office or hotel room complete with optional outfits and toys. 13.000yen/hour or 45,000yen per 24 hour PLUS delivery charge. For this kind of dough she better be blowing me before I finish signing the delivery receipt. For this money I want her to apologize for Pearl Harbor and the Nanking Massacre and do it on all fours waving her ass to the song God Bless America.

600,000 yen for a love doll? Well, not to be outdone in the conspicuous consumption love doll department; a United States company is now selling a love doll so lifelike that the basic model costs $6499.00 (shipping $400.00 domestic and $800.00 overseas). Holy fuckwad. $6499.00 for a love doll equals approximately 259,960 baht. At 500 baht per South Pattaya boardwalk short-time pickup that equals 519 fucks. For that kind of money this United States doll better be paying me to fuck her. Naturally she is also available as a She-male and an animatronic version is coming out. Careful, don't make them too lifelike–we'll end up paying them alimony. If you have been reading this and thinking, you can now read the future. Soon it will be possible to send in naked pictures of your Pat Pong lover plus measurements plus specifications (hair color, length of fingernails, depth of pussy, motorcycle scars, stretch marks, shaved eyebrows, tattoos, type of labia flaps, etc.) and receive in return an animatronic totally lifelike fully accessorized love machine that will love you and tell you so and mean it when she says it. She'll probably also irritate the hell out of you by making cell phone calls to her other Bangkok based animatronic love doll sluts while you are banging her like a spastic on yaba. It's a wonderful world coming for the man who loves to love Asian women. In addition I suppose for a premium you could also get a Thai inflatable love doll that would come with family and other relations–jealous violent boyfriends, farangs in Germany calling her on her inflatable cell phone, sister who needs new eyeball, sick buffalo with prostate disease, abusive but kindly father, child with three legs who needs surgery, etc. Of course the future of Thai inflatable love dolls that has us all excited is that you could send the specs of your girlfriend and specs of you and get two lifelike fully accessorized moaning dripping squirting animatronic dolls. Put them together and watch. Voyeur paradise. All right, I know what you are all thinking. You could also get a pre-op Tranny Love Doll from the Obsessions bar and a post-op Tranny Love Doll from the Cascade bar. Put them together and film it. Hey, you thought of it. I just said it.

Speaking of women: Women love to have lunches and meetings and coffee get togethers where they get drunk or silly and proclaim that they don't really need men. Right back at you honey. I'm saving my money and it ain't for you. I'm going to call my Love Doll Noi and I may even marry her. We may even have children in the future. Little inflatable water fillable Love Doll children. It is only a matter of time before pregnancy and birthing will be Love Doll features. Thai inflatable Love Dolls won't know who the father is.

Current inflatable Love Doll features available are 400lb capacity (no farang jokes please–this is about love), pierced nipples, removable ass and vagina (I'll bet you can't do that with Nan or Nip or Num or Noot or Na), solid head (I can't say that about every South Pattaya boardwalk pickup I have encountered), realistic feet (I'd be interested in this–I love shoes man), blinking eyes, massaging ticklers (no idea), removable multi-speed vibrating bullet for extreme pleasure (don't even know what this means), perfumes (I like patouli oil musk–reminds me of Ann Arbor in the 60's), and a repair kit. Kinda makes you wonder what the barfine would be for one of these honeys. Oh, by the way–the French dolls don't have three holes; they have three ‘loving inputs'. Fuck the French.

Before I get to the subject of Asian dolls let's just examine the market: You can get–

Fatty Patty (stick you finger in her flesh and the doll takes twenty minutes to reform).
Cyber Chic (stick your mouse anywhere Mr. Tape On Your Glasses).
Perfect Date Doll (has a hole in the top of her head that will hold a beer can).
India Nubian Love Doll (well, which is it?)
Old Lady Love Doll (too gross to joke about)
Betty Viscous Punk Slut Tattooed Sex Doll (it's a Sex doll? What a surprise!).
Meme the Midget (probably life sized)
Inflatable Wife (no holes and dress won't come off–probably funny after 6 beers).
Nancy Nurse (with removable uniform and stethoscope).
Police Officer
G.I. Jane Army doll
GiGi the French maid (open your 'loving input' bitch).
Cleopatra (Fuck the French–ok, she's Egyptian but this ain't a geography lesson).

So now the Asian love dolls. No, wait a minute. How drunk can you get? There are also inflatable animal love dolls that you can shag.

Livin' Lamb and Talking Sheep and Love Ewe are very popular and can be purchased with every accessory you can imagine including having them say they "Love ewe (get it?)" or maybe "You hansum man–I luf ewe too mutt." I guess love can never be wrong if both parties are smiling. Personally I'd be interested in producing soi dog and elephant and water buffalo inflatable love dolls for the local Thai market if anyone wants to make an investment. The Soi Dog Love Dolls would come with muzzles–I hate getting snapped at with my pants down. The Elephant Love Dolls would come with ladders and helmuts. The Water Buffalo Love Dolls would come with nicknames and a roman candle you could stuff up their rear to wake them up. I hate an animal that's sleeping when I am balling it. Maybe that's just me.

Erotic Love Piggy (where does the erotic come in?)
Cathy Cow (she moos when she cums–I shit you not)

and (my hand on the Bible) there is an Inflatable Moose Love Doll–personally I would be afraid of antler damage on the headboard–hard to explain to the wife who has just come home from a two day Feminist seminar run by a post-op Obsessions bar Thai katoey who now hates men.

Wife: Dana?
Dana: Yes, honey bunny!
Wife: What are those scratches on the headboard of the bed?
Dana: What scratches?
Wife: And what is this Inflatable Moose Love Doll doing in the closet?
Dana: What closet?

So if you feel that you are caught up now on the bare bones basics of the inflatable love doll market let's get to the main event which is Asian inflatable love dolls. Personally, I'm a specialist in the love department. It's Asia all the way for me.

Asian love dolls come with or without every accessory imaginable and in every price range. In fact many of them have more accessories than the real thing and cost more than the real thing. The Japanese love dolls are so lifelike they are spooky. I'd probably start giving them money and apologizing right away.

In the United States most of the inflatable Asian love dolls are the incredibly expensive and lifelike Tera Patrick doll (Euro–Vietnamese); the Asia Carrera love doll (kind of Euro–Phillipina); Muzuki and Tokyo Rose and Mai (schoolgirl in pigtails) and a popular Anime Love Doll (long purple hair) and Suki and Suzi Wong (discover her oriental secrets)–all Japanese; Ming and Suzi Wong–Chinese; porn star Kascha–(Tahitian and Swiss); and Wan (kind of a lame Thai). Wait a minute: wasn't Suzi Wong both Chinese and Japanese? Hey, this latex lady gets around. I guess if you go to China or if you go to Japan you only have to know how to say two things: "I'll take noodles." and "I'll take Suzi."

Currently there are no domestically produced Laotian or Cambodian inflatable Love Dolls being produced which just shows how far behind the modern West these poor backward deprived countries are. Having to make do with their own women must be a terrible burden.

People ask me: "Dana, with your lifelong interest in all things Asian and your tremendous sensitivity to all Asian people–how come you have never vacationed in Laos or Cambodia?"

Well, now you know. No domestic Love Doll manufacturing. A vacation to faraway exotic places full of goofy people is one thing–but I don't want to be surrounded by savages. Nuff said.

SO NOW LET'S RUMBLE:

I like the names Ming and Suzi Wong but the dolls are too white faced for me. Also I don't really like the Chinese that much. I also like the names Suki and Tokyo Rose and Muzuki and Mai but I have the fear that when I get the dolls out of their boxes and nearly burst my heart blowing the things up that they will have the ‘no top-big bottom' pear shape of the sexless lardbuckets that pass for sexy ladies in Japan. Idiots in ankle socks who think rough sex is saying the word 'No'. If there is one thing I do not want to hear from an inflatable doll it is the word 'No'. Not my thing. So it's Wan the economy inflatable siren from vaguely Thailand for me.

At home she slides out of the box in a compacted plastic mass that is a little daunting. Everything is stuck to everything else and a little caution is in order. This chick cost some dough and one tear and she ain't going to be much fun. Already there is tension involved in the experience because trying to exhibit mature patience with a raging hard on is an exercise in contradiction. Just like the real thing.

Anyway she is finally separated from all of her various plastic parts and then the blowing up begins. This is when you realize you aren't 25 anymore. Damn near kills you. Good thing she is petite. If she was some lifesize Soi 5 Nigerian blow-up doll you'd never get her fully inflated. You'd end up banging her with just her torso inflated and her big black flat legs flailing around. It also occurs to me between heart stopping wheezing stops for air that it is a damn good thing you do not have to inflate real women. I mean I'm at the age now where I have to sit down after blowing a whistle. Goodbye three or four love affairs a day–hello to one or two love affairs a day. I guess there is always something to be thankful for.

At last she is inflated and she looks fine. Now for the up close and personal part. The consummation of farang-Thai relations. Except there is some kind of problem. You can't get inside. Anywhere. It seems that the inside parts of her are stuck together. More goddamned foreplay is required. Just like the real thing. Well, actually; that is not true. With the real Wan from the Hollywood Strip bar at Nana Plaza no foreplay was required. The first time I barfined her years ago was an experience I never forgot. Over to the Nana Hotel with this piece of sex candy and I am actually nervous. What a rube! Into the room and she immediately throws off all of her clothes and gets up on the bed on all fours and waves her ass at me and looks back and smiles. Nearly had a heart attack. Then banged her for hours. Just goes to show that if you want the most uninhibited satisfying mind blowing sex of your life hook up with a lesbian. But I digress.

Anyway, no foreplay with the real Wan. But this inflatable Wan is going to require a little more attention or I am not going to be able to 'fly the plane into the hanger'–if you know what I mean. So off to the kitchen to get some cutlery. My knives, forks, and spoons have imitation pearl handles. Just the right length and nicely rounded. So now back to the bedroom with my erection and some soup spoons. Insert soup spoon handles in various special places and voila–we can now 'deliver the mail to the mailbox'–if you know what I mean. Now to the main event. Modesty prevents me from going into the sexual details of my private life but let me tell you this hot little Buriram bitch was a real ready teddy and had been in that box a long time. An inflatable doll has needs. And I'm no slouch in the bangin' department either. I know how to make them cry and I know how to make them laugh and I know how to make them squeak for more. And this plastic bitch is beggin'. "Do me–you hansum man!" she squeaks in Inflatabledollese.

Only one problem. Wan had braids. Short plastic braids that stick out from the side of her head. Now normally I find braids quite appealing. My first girlfriend at college had braids and I have pleasant memories of post lovemaking braiding activity. I would sit up at the head of the bed and she would sit between my legs and I would braid her love tangled hair. So there are pleasant memories. But times have changed and these braids of Wans are a whole different kettle of fish. If you are involved in Yum Yum (oral) sex or Ow Ow (anal) sex there is no problem. But if you are flogging away like a jackrabbit on yaba in the traditional Boom Boom (missionary) position there is a big problem.

There with her in your arms and your ass going like a piston the two of you set up some kind of sympathetic harmony of motion that causes her braids to start whipping from side to side. You are trying to give the Thai minx the best that you have got in the interest of international relations and she is beating your head in with her goddamned stiff plastic braids. They are flapping and flipping and snapping and whipping and bashing you in the face. You have to close your eyes for protection thereby losing the opportunity to look soulfully into her sexy button eyes. You try moving your head down but that causes ass insertion problems. You try moving up but there are other problems. You try getting her sexy inflatable legs up over your shoulders but your head is still next to her head. Proof if you ever needed it that there is no perfect union and that every relationship between a man and women requires compromise. So I get up and head for the kitchen. Back with a pair of scissors. Then up on the bed on my knees and cut off the braids. "Sorry honey–but Daddy has needs! Now get your little inflatable feet behind your ears and get ready to rumble."

So that is my advice guys. You don't have to wait until you are back in the country of racism and squalor and stupidity and pollution and noise and twelve foot king cobras that will attack without provocation to satisfy your love needs. Just go down to your local love equipment emporium and pick up Wan or Suki or Ming. You'll be glad you did.

Time and Tide wait for no man but if you are willing to stand on the station platform of Life as Social Ostracism and Humiliation and Uncertainty come and go you will be ready to step aboard when your train arrives. Your train is the Asian Inflatable Love Doll train and the commingling of your flesh and it's latex will be a soulful spark unrivaled by other galactic collisions and collusions. Like two spiraling galaxies you will tumble into each other and become one. Let others board the flesh train–you are wise enough in the marrow of your different bones to know that your love is quenched by latex fires. Later on when you are standing at the gates of St. Peter waiting for the interview to get into heaven it may be that there is just one question: "Did you get on the right train?" You will be able to say "Yes, and she had every accessory and option and lifelike feature that a man could imagine or deserve or dream". That is when you will know what it is like to be a winner; because St. Peter will smile and say, "Wait until you see what we have up here!"

But Cut Off The Braids!