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Fools In Thailand

  • Written by Tony
  • June 22nd, 2005
  • 6 min read


I just returned from my 11th? trip to Thailand? It may be more like my 12th or 13th. I lose count as I get older. I used to live in Bangkok. That was back in 1982. It was only for a year and a month. I was on assignment with a…well, I better not say in case someone sees this that I don't want to see this. I was younger in those days. Full of juice and I really had a good time. When it came time to come home to South Africa I brought a Thai wife with me. Needless to say, that was a disaster. I sent her packing in less than six months along with a healthy amount of my money just to get rid of the witch legally. Funny how what appears to be a good thing turns out later to be a nightmare. Anyway, no need to bore your readers with that tale.

I stayed clear of that country for a number of years before making my first of what turned out to be many repeat vacations there. It's a good thing to check your fun gun and balls into the security safe when you check into a hotel. I mean that metaphorically. When I'm in that bloody country I tend to think with my lower equipment and not my brain. Good advice I got from an old Bangkok mate who's lived there for many years.

You can have a lot of fun in that country if you keep your head on straight. Rule one is never, ever fall in love with those women. I don't care if she comes from a wealthy family or from the street or the bar scene. I don't care if when she smiles she lights up the room. I don't care if when she's naked her body radiates sex. I don't care if when you're doing her sparks shoot out her ass and fireworks come out her ears. Get it straight in your head even before you land at the airport. You are a foreigner in a strange land. They do not think like you, they don't have your value structures, they don't have your sense of truth and honesty, actually, they don't have anything you have. They think in terms that are totally abstract from what you think. It is absolutely essential that you don't think of them in the same light as you think of your fellow countrymen. I will concede that women around the world are much alike. Thai women don't have a corner on the market for being difficult. I'll never marry again for that reason. But, I will indulge myself to the fullest while the equipment still works. And, Thailand is a great place to go and play. Just remember rule one. You might want to remember that in your home country as well.

When I go to Thailand I now stay at a hotel on Wireless Road. It's a relatively new property where a friend on mine works. I get a great rate for a suite and a green light from the front desk. A green light is a blanket pass to bring girls up to your room without a hassle from the security boys or the duty manager. I used to stay at the old stand by, the Nana Hotel. The downside of staying at a four star hotel is your evening's entertainment thinks you're rich and if you don't walk them out to the road in the morning before paying them they'll often put up a fuss for more money if you pay them in the room. Sick mother. Sick buffalo. Sick something. Don't fall for the tears. Rule two. Never pay a bar girl in your room. Always pay them on the street. Discretely, for sure. If they put up a fuss, just walk away. Even if you stay at the Nana, always pay them on the street. <I've never heard this mentioned before, but it really does make senseStick>

After you made your selection for the night, take them somewhere to eat. A street place will do. It's cheap and they'll fill up on rice and veggies. Or some fast food place. That way you won't have to pay for room service in the hotel. Rule three. Always feed your selection before you take her back to the hotel. Bar girls never like to sleep or perform for that matter on an empty stomach. I don't like to sleep on an empty stomach myself. That's a pun.

All working girls have a cell phone. It's like jewelry. If they don't have one, they think they're naked. Tell her to turn it off when you leave with her. If not then, especially in the hotel room. She'll object of course. Sick mother, remember? It'll ring when you're with her. Guaranteed. A girlfriend or Thai boyfriend if she speaks Thai. If she speaks English it'll be a dumb boyfriend back home in his country. Love sick and sending her money. Sad lot that. Rule four. Get her to turn off the cell phone. It won't be easy. These girls need to be connected. But insist. If she refuses and leaves her cell phone out when she takes a shower, take out the battery.

If she was so outstanding and you like her, ask her to come back later in the day. She'll need to go 'home' for awhile. Give her money for taxi and the bar fine for later. You're giving her face. Let her take you around sightseeing. It's a good deal. Some BGs are quite nice, actually. They're like a part-time girlfriend. It will be fun. Just remember rule one. Don't fall for it. Just enjoy it.

Sometimes if I meet a bright bar girl and like her company, I'll stay with her the entire vacation. I'll take her down to Pattaya or Phuket. I'll even buy her some nice things. Nothing expensive mind you. When it's time to leave I leave. Rule five. Never let them go to the airport with you. Break it off at the taxi stand. Give her a few baht and your email address if you wish. She'll send a message and will hint around about money. Rule six. Never send money. Tell her your mother is sick and needs an operation. You'll never hear from her again.

Next time you go to Thailand for a vacation, stay clear of the bar where you met your last girl friend. You're in the land of plenty. There are many more like her.

What's rule seven? Stay free mates. Being single at my age doesn't bother me much. I think of all my colleagues who envy my lifestyle and the freedom I enjoy. I can book a flight to LOS tomorrow and I don't have to ask permission from anyone. As the Irish proverb says, enjoy life while it lasts, because you'll soon be dead for a long time.

Stickman's thoughts:

I liked the bit about paying them on the street.