Readers' Submissions

Understudy Teeruk

  • Written by Anonymous
  • May 14th, 2005
  • 5 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By Nice Catch


When I first went to Patong Beach in Phuket the main road along the shoreline was a bumpy dirt one. That’s how long ago it was. No big hotels, unreliable electricity, small bungalows and girls so fresh and inexpensive: it was Heaven.

It was there I met my first love, or so I thought, but that’s a story for later, as she is now living in OZ after 2 kids to a farang, and divorced.

It was maybe my 6th trip that I went to the Buffalo Steak House for a meal, and what a great meal it was. There were two striking waitresses there; a skinny one and a well covered one. By well covered I mean she had a bit of meat on her, or a bit of ‘condition’ if you are a buffalo farmer. Let’s call her Da.

It took a lot of work, and a lot of steaks over maybe a week to finally get Da to come out with me. Very shy when we got to the hotel, with the normal acrobatics of undressing under a towel (how DO they do that?), showering and slipping under the blankets with the damp towel still well in place. As an aside, I find it excellent strategy to keep the room air-con low low low: snuggling up to keep warm is guaranteed!

Da was a delight, even though her English was very poor, and I wasn’t really interested in having a conversation, just to satisfy my carnal needs. Yes, I ended up one of those stupid sods who fall for a BG. Wanted her to come over to OZ for a holiday, and had her get a passport, and apply for an OZ Visa. Well, what a performance! Getting a visa into OZ is really difficult: I ended up flying into BKK to assist and (long story) eventually she got the magic passport stamp.

“Well, that’s interesting, let’s look at your passport Da. Hmm, you are only 20, yet you told me you were 25! Why did you tell me” etc etc. BS flowed like a bull on a diet of onions and baked beans!

After 2 weeks she went home, and it was not a very successful stay, made even worse when I later got my phone bill with all her calls to her Italian boyfriend. Idiot!

Still, infatuated, I continued to phone her, and arranged my next trip to Phuket, stupid stupid stupid. She was full of love for me and would meet me at the airport.

I arrived at Phuket airport full of anticipation in meeting my teeruk again and having committed immigration and customs went into the throng. My teeruk was nowhere to be seen (sniff). Then, out of the crowd a slightly built little Thai girl came to me, presented my with a small bunch of Thai Orchids and told me she was meeting me because Da was not able to. She also told me that I was booked into a hotel, and that we would get the taxi that was waiting to that hotel. Familiar with Thailand and how mysterious events unfold I dutifully followed, thinking that this girl (named ‘Nit’) must be from the hotel, and that Da would be waiting for me in the room.

Arriving at the hotel in Patong, I checked in and with a porter and Nit in tow, went to the room: empty, no Da. Hmm, what’s happening here?

The porter asked if “the girl” would be staying, and I looked at Nit who said nothing. I was very proud of myself when I said ‘Up to her’: ha! Got ya!

Now alone in the room, Nit handed me a letter from Da. It said that she had to go away to Italy to be with a man who she did not love but had a lot of money, and that Nit would take care of me for this trip. Funnily enough I was not devastated and not really surprised at this, I guess now that I think about it I was somewhat relieved.

Nit had very little English and was very shy in the room alone with me, and I really wondered what Da had done to me: passing me over to one of her mates to continue emptying the almost deNitted ATM.

Attempts at any reasonable conversation with Nit was hopeless, so I took a shower. Upon exiting the shower she then went in to take her turn at splashing about. She undressed behind locked bathroom door and eventually emerged again fully clothed, with wet hair as evidence that all of that splashing around was in fact fruitful.

Kissed her. She really had no idea, kept her eyes open and looking at me when we kissed, unsettled me I must say. But without going into details (as you will understand later) made love to her. Blood on the sheets: yuk. I asked her if she was menstruating (“you mens?”, pointing at the sheets). “No, virgin.” WHAT? And yes folks, she was, and yes, I inspected to see any fresh razor cuts on her hands that might expose a scam.

What to do. What was Da doing to me? Nit was 28 years old (ID card verified) and I was 47. I got her to write me a letter in Thai, which we then went to have translated. Nit told me that she would be a good wife to me, and that Da had told her I wanted to marry her. What? It seems that the last trip I had to Phuket, Da had taken me to a beauty salon where I had a pedicure while she had her hair done. The girl who did my pedicure was, you guessed it, Nit. Da had asked Nit if she liked me, and I to this day don’t know what the response was, but she ended up being tagged as Da’s replacement.

It’s a long long story from here, and maybe I will post some more later, but to keep it short today I can only say that Nit and I are happily living in Sydney, married for 15 years, never had an argument, no bank account bleeding, send A$1500 a year to her family, and are both very much in love.

Stickman's thoughts:

Wow, what a way to meet! (Do you tell you your mates in Sydney that story?!)