Readers' Submissions

The Dildo

  • Written by Anonymous
  • May 20th, 2005
  • 10 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

by Nong Sung


Tonight is my last night out before I go back to Bangkok. Again I’m with my English friend and Ton (our Thai friend). We call ourselves the three Musketbeers and tonight will be a blast, we hope. But, because of some complicated matters we would like to avoid the sing-a-song bar we used to go to but find another similar bar.

So we ask our friend Ton if he knows a place that is comparable to the sing-a-song bar we went to the night before. And to make things a bit easier for my English friend I suggest taking a taxi to and from if it’s a bit further then where we usual go.

Ton suggests a friend who drives a mini-bus and as we agree he calls him on his mobile.
Ton’s friend acknowledges that he knows places but is working until 8 that evening. He
asks Ton to take us with a taxi to Rangsit where he picks us up.

I take a quick shower and while waiting for Ton to get ready as well, I see a taxi in the
Soi where we live. The deal is quickly made; Ton is ready and we all get in.

One Soi later the taxi stops and the driver starts to yak-yak to Ton and as usual we understand shit of it. Then the driver gets out and we have no clue what’s going on.

It turns out the driver lives here and does not want to drive to Rangsit but a friend of his will do. The driver is then replaced and off we go. Then three Sois later the taxi stops again and Ton ask us if it’s okay to take a friend of our mini-bus driver with us.

Since we don’t know this guy we hesitate but agree. He’s having a shower as well so we have to wait again. We are not too happy about that because we do not want to waste too much time, we are on a mission after all. After a couple of minutes the guy then walks out of his house towards our taxi and gets in.

In the car he exclusively starts yak-yakking to Ton and ignores us; we (my friend) and I both think that he is the wrong choice for tonight.

Ton is a cheeky bastard, very polite and he knows how to behave well. But he certainly knows his way with the ladies. He’s married but his telephone holds 60+ numbers from ladies he’s in contact with. My friend is of the no-bullshit kind, merely interested in getting intoxicated without too much distraction. I’m the one who needs some drinks to get going and flirt myself into trouble. So all in all an interesting combination; always good for a night of fun. This time however we have an unknown guy among us and we slowly get the impression that he does not fit into our ‘drinking team’. In my mind I nickname him The Dildo.

A pretty uneventful drive brings us to Rangsit where our mini-bus driver is waiting. We get out of the taxi and jump in the mini-bus, eager to get to the unknown sing-a-song bar; Ton, my friend and I are in the back seats, The Dildo takes the front seat (of course). Within minutes it is clear that neither Ton, the mini-bus driver nor The Dildo know a sing-a-song bar; we just drive around and around to see if they can find something…

We don’t like that, we assume that they know places; we don’t want to lose too much time. The Dildo is directing the mini-bus driver around and all understand are the words ‘falang’ and ‘puying’; they laugh and we are getting pissed off.

Then my friend makes it clear that if they don’t know a nice sing-a-song bar we rather turn around and go back home. They say ‘pai Bangkok?’ No we definitely don’t want to go Bangkok; we want a bar as soon as possible. The Dildo is giving directions to the driver and suddenly we stop at a gas station with a kind of bar. A mixture of a sing-a-song bar and a place where stand-up comedians do their work. We decide to check this place out.
From close we see that it’s rather seedy and a couple of girls are sitting outside at a table eating. The unavoidable katoey is doing its nails and a couple of touts are zooming in on us.

One of the touts is very drunk and starts to embrace my friend who does not appreciate that. He warns the tout, but he’s drunk and wants the two of us inside.

Both my friend and I are allergic to drunken guys who start to touch us and in cases like that we both are easily triggered into a fight.

Again he tries to put his arm around my friend and again my friend warns the tout to stop that. The third time my friend raises his fists and I quickly direct him to the car; we can never win these kinds of fights.

Back in the car we are not particularly happy, we are wasting time and on top of that we almost got into a fight; that’s not the night we had in mind.

We make it clear that we want to go home NOW, so we instruct the driver to take the next U-turn, which he does. The Dildo still thinks this is all very amusing; he’s the only one having fun and we are pretty pissed off. A good 10 minutes into our journey home I see something that looks like a sing-a-song bar and tell the driver to slow down.

It is a sing-a-song bar and because we are in desperate need for a cigarette and a drink we decide to go in and spend some time to cool off.

The place isn’t that bad, there are 15 girls or so, some of them very young and good looking. We sit down and place our orders. We want whiskey, some mixers and some ice.
We know exactly what we want and we know exactly how to instruct the waitresses to mix our drinks, my friend wants his drink slightly different then I do and we never fail to get what we want. So my friend tells the waitress how he wants to drink his whiskey-Coke and while she walks away The Dildo tells her something in Thai which I don’t understand right away. My friend is unaware what’s going on because he’s sitting with his back to the waitress.

I however, see that the amount of whiskey my friend wants is at least doubled; so that’s what the prick told her to do. My friend sees immediately that the color of his drink indicates far too much whiskey and tells the waitress that he does not want a drink like that. He again points her out; one finger of whiskey, then fill it up with ice and the rest should be Coke. As I explain my friend that The Dildo interfered he (The Dildo) starts yakking to the waitress again and again she’s pouring whiskey in my friend’s glass as if it is water. My friend (already agitated by the long car ride and the almost-fight) then turns to The Dildo and tells him not to interfere and mind his own business.

The Dildo smiles…

I like my drink without ice and my drink is according to my wishes but the Coke isn’t cold. My friend knows how to handle that; for me the small bottles of Coke, cooled in a bucket with ice. My friend stands-up and fills a bucket with ice and put a small bottle of Coke in the middle. As soon as he walks back The Dildo says to the waitress ‘farang mai auw naam keng’ (the farang does not want ice) and she quickly takes the bottle out of the bucket. Now both my friend and I are getting furious and my friend shouts to The Dildo to shut his fucking mouth. My friend then theatrically places the bottle back into the bucket. The waitress is pretty confused now and The Dildo smiles the smile of a retard.

The other two Thais (our driver and Ton) are embarrassed by The Dildo’s behavior and are very quiet. The atmosphere is loaded; my friend and I are not in a party mood; we can’t get started the way we are used to.

After an hour we decide to move back to our regular sing-a-song bar and we ask the driver to drop us off there; we will come back by a motorbike taxi.

We hope to get rid of The Dildo that way, but little did we know.

The driver brings us to our regular place but he feels responsible for getting us home later. But he’s so embarrassed by his friend’s behavior that he does not want to be part of it; he wants to go home. He then hands over the keys of the car to Ton and disappears (probably went home on a motorbike taxi). The Dildo sits on our table with his usual retarded smile and little can we do.

This time he does not interferes with the mixture of our drinks but his cards are not fully played yet.

In this bar we are regular customers; they know us and we know them. And we also have our regular girls over there. When we sip our drinks Ton points out to The Dildo that a particular girl (which is dancing at that moment) is my regular and will sit next to me later once finished dancing. Shortly after that I went for a piss.

As soon as I came back the dancing was over and ‘my girl’ was seated between The Dildo and my seat and to my astonishment he was feeling her up and had his hand placed on one of her legs.

Again with that almost insulting retarded smile.

I got furious and got frozen on the spot; I was about to explode.

We are the hosts of a night out and one of our guests is constantly insulting us; it’s not the girl (after all they are working girls aren’t they?) but there is no respect at all.

I told my friend that I could do two things; either I was about to smash his fucking face to pulp or walk away from it. My friend told me to go back to the toilet NOW.

So I slowly walk back to the toilet not knowing what to do there since I just had a piss;

Meantime my friend tells The Dildo that he just made the biggest insult a man can make and tells him that he can have his face smashed or take his fucking hands away. He does, but still smiles…

When I return from the toilet the mood has changed for the worse, there’s tension, Ton smiles a sorry smile, The Dildo smiles his retarded smile, and my friend and our two girls can’t pick up where we left the night before.

But The Dildo hasn’t played his last card yet.

In a desperate try to be funny he asks my friend when he’s taking ‘his girl’ to a bungalow to fuck her brains out. That is something you should not ask my friend since he’s married and faithful to his wife. We go to places like that only because I want to; he would never ever go to places like that alone.

Now my friend gets furious and shouts to The Dildo that he better zip his mouth before things will get out of hand.

We have enough now, too many insults on one night and we ask for the bill; we are leaving.

The final insult happens when The Dildo tries to settle the bill. My friend grabs it out of his hand, pays the bill and we all leave.

In the car no one speaks one word; even as we drop The Dildo of at his house.

Once, but never again.

Stickman's thoughts:

Just another example of how farangs and Thais are so different and quite frankly, incompatible.