Readers' Submissions

No Big Ones Please



I was out one night with a Thai friend, and it was time to get some action. About a month before, I had briefly seen the action that goes on late night at the Siam Hotel on Petchaburi Road. For those that don’t know, here’s the scoop. The Hotel was one of Bangkok’s finest back in the 60’s, but since they haven’t changed the carpeting, wallpaper, or linens since then, it’s slipped a few thousand notches below the Oriental. Now it’s strictly short time, and the girls are waiting on-site. There is a coffee shop in the front, except it doesn’t sell coffee. But you can get beer, whiskey, or talk to the couple dozen girls sitting around. In the back is a restaurant, with food, alcohol, and 2-3 dozen more girls, dining, drinking, and waiting. In the lobby, near the toilets, are more young ladies milling about. Then there is the parking lot, with maybe 20-30 girls waiting for a customer. But the real action heats up about 1:30 am, when people are driving home from pubs. Lined up on the sidewalk, for 100 meters in each direction in front of the hotel, are about 50-70 women, and on top of that, an amazing amount of katoeys (maybe about 50). They stand by the curb, and men in cars pull up, check out the merchandise, a girl eventually gets in, and off they go. The customers are all Thai so the talent is very good, in my opinion better than Nana Plaza. The girls are generally younger and light skinned, as is the preference of Thai men. There also seems to be a better number of pretty faces.

So now its time to make a selection. I wander around the parking lot. The entrance is to the left of the coffee shop, the exit to the right. I start on the left side. Each side has a mamasan, except the left side the mamasan is a man. I see one lady that fits the bill for me. She is standing on the other side of a car. I try to catch her eye and smile, but she is doing everything she can to ignore me. Damn! They’re all ignoring me. The “papasan” tells me to walk around the car and check her out, she is pretty but a little chubby. I walk around, nope, she looks good to me. I go back and ask about the price, while still trying to make eye contact. She finally looks at me when she realizes I’m about to rent her services. I smile and say “mai dtong glua farang” (you don’t need to be afraid of farang). She replies “mai glua farang – glua juu yai yao.” (I’m afraid of big dicks!)

Well, it was good for a laugh, but I still wanted something. So on to the right side of the parking lot. While I walked, I smiled and tried to catch the eye of every girl I passed, and they all ignored me! I felt like I was walking on Soi Thaniya, where the ladies wait for their Japanese men.

I got a little more aggressive, saying to a few “sawadee krup, yaak bai duai gan?” (hi, want to go together?) and they just turned and walked away! WTF! The old, fat, ugly mamasan on this side is really aggressive. She sees a customer, grabs them by the arm, and points out all the ladies, frantically tries to make a match. My friend spoke to her in Thai, and she said they are all afraid of sex with farangs, but by god, she would find someone for me. I then saw a girl I really wanted, my spec. I approached her, asked her to go with me, and was rejected. Again, I told her not to be afraid of farangs, and again, I got the answer “glua juu yai yai.” So I quickly replied “Mai mii! Mii juu lek lek jing jing!” ( I have a very small penis, really!) I thought how ironic it is that men consider it so important to be big, and how much we all brag/exaggerate our size, and here I am trying to impress a lady by loudly exclaiming, for many and all to hear, that I am hung like a mouse. But to no avail, she didn’t buy what I was trying to sell. Finally, mamasan found one girl who reluctantly agreed to go with me. But I had my friend tell mamasan, she looked so scared I was afraid it would be lousy, and I was no longer interested.

I turned to go home, and a beautiful lady approached me, eagerly offering to go with me. very very pretty, tall, nice jugs. The problem was she was a little too eager. Yep, katoey. Now that I have been in Thailand 3 years, its so easy to spot most katoeys. And with an extra look or 2, I can see though the 1% that are difficult to spot. But this one may have fooled me if I ran into “her” anywhere else. But where she was so eager, I knew something was up and took that extra look. My friend had a girl that he wanted badly, and she wanted him, but he wanted to take her “out” and she wanted to stay on site, at one of the rooms. So we both got in a taxi and went home without anything.

If any farangs think they can get results, good luck. The girls on the curb will go off-site, the girls in the parking lot, coffee shop, restaurant, stay on site. The price is 2,000 baht for girl and room, I forget if its 90 minutes or 2 hours. The price is fixed, I would be very surprised if it could be negotiated down. (one girl quoted me 3,000 baht…I think she thought I was a sucker). As I said, the girls are young, light-skinned, and cute, but speak almost zero English.

Next time I’ll put an ice pack down my pants to shrink it, and whip it out to show that I am small. Won’t they be surprised later in the room. Either that or I’ll go disguised as a Thai man.

Anyone have an experience like this? Write me at [email protected]

Stickman's thoughts:

Rejected by a prostitute, the shame of it!