Readers' Submissions

More Words Of Wisdom

  • Written by Calibra
  • April 29th, 2005
  • 5 min read

Advertisement
cloud nine thailand

Before I start I would like to say I have had some very positive emails regarding my previous articles. It’s good to know there are so many like minded people out there.

I have also had some feedback regarding my socializing with the beautiful tall elegant ladies at a certain establishment on Ratchada Road. I discussed this with a learned colleague of mine and he tells me there is a region up North where
all the women are tall and curvaceous. Nakon katoey. He even wrote it down for me so there you go. They quite often move down to Bangkok and work in the more upper class establishments where they can meet affluent educated men like my good self.

These are the women I was socializing with, damn you, not the ‘trannies’ one reader had the audacity to mention.

Please let it be known I would rather drink warm cat sick through the gusset of George Bush’s panties than attempt any interaction with a ‘trannie’.

As I said in my previous submission I was a bit of a terrier in my early Thailand days. I had the good fortune to meet quite a few lovelies, the kind of which would be out of reach to most of you reading this. One thing I did notice was some
of them had very bad breath. On more than one occasion I had to say, “I’m sorry, but your mouth smells like a cart horse's arsehole”.

Strangely enough, some of the tall lovelies mentioned above were guilty of this. Is this because of what they eat?

I have never come across this from my ex model wife, but maybe this is because she only eats Western food now. In the early days it was rather a pain during my very occasional forays into a supermarket having to buy all these different food
stuffs so after a bit of ‘persuasion’ we agreed it would make more sense if we both ate the same food. She readily concurred. Now that we are back in the UK she has no choice in the matter. Result.

She still buys some hot sauces to put over her food but I’m trying to discourage this. One trick I carried out just a few days ago was as follows: My wife is quite fond of chocolate (something else I’m also discouraging) so
I found a way to ‘kill two birds with one stone’. She sometimes buys a Cadburys Flake or two to put in the fridge for later. I carefully unwrapped the ends of one of the Flakes and liberally doused each end in Tabasco Sauce. Ha ha
ha, what fun. You should’ve seen her face. Result number 2.

I am obviously not a racialist but have any of you people noticed there are very few ‘coloured’ people in Thailand, or anywhere in the Far East for that matter. I’m sure there are some people who would say oh, but I used
know such and such and he’s black. Please take heed, I’m talking about the majority here so please, shut up and go back to your wife’s back-of-beyond-might-as-well-be-on-the-moon-village where you are, I’m sorry to
say, the local clown and totally alone.

Anyway, I digress. The reason is as follows:

A few hundred years ago the Chinese Emperor decreed that slaves from Africa could be brought in but they had to be castrated so they did not breed with the Chinese and ruin the bloodline. This was done on the East African coast where they
gathered the slaves to be shipped mainly to America and the Middle East. Barracoons were built to house the slaves. Some barracoons were set aside from the others and these contained the poor unfortunate fellows who were destined for the Far East
market. These men had their bollocks macheted off and then cauterized using an iron rod with a flat rectangular plate on the end. This was heated until red hot then applied to the affected area for a few seconds. Voila, one slave who could, if
he survived, could be suitable for the Far East Market.

It should be noted that the survival rate for this procedure could be as low as 50%, then the merchandise would have to be shipped all the way to the Far East. However, it was generally assumed that if a fellow could survive a bollock lopping
session he would survive the crossing. Thus the operation served two purposes, ensuring only the fittest and strongest of the slaves were sent to the Far East and ensuring they could not breed with the indigenous population.

Bet none of you people knew that eh?

Something else I’ve noticed from my time in Bangkok. The vast majority of pavements or ‘sidewalks’ are in a very poor condition. I would hate to be disabled or fat (same difference) and have to try and negotiate some
of the craters or cracked and raised slabs.

Why are they in this condition? Do read on.

They were not built to withstand all the dripping 18 stone stink bags (male & female farangs) wheezing around. They were built to accommodate dainty 10 stone Thais. That’s probably why most of the taxis are buggered too, and tuktuks,
and everything else these people contaminate.

One other thing, I have been going through some previous submissions and I have seen some very negative comments regarding the ‘boys in brown’, or law enforcement officers. I would just like to say I have the utmost respect
for these fine people and wish them and their families all the very best life has to offer. If any of you men amongst men should happen to read this feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Some interesting submissions lately. That New Zealand chap is a bit of a cad isn’t he? And what about his wife? Come on sir; keep her in her place man. What’s she doing airing your dirty laundry in public? Surely a good reduction
in her allowance is warranted? That usually keeps my wife in her rightful place. Treat them mean to keep them keen, as one rogue put it.

I must retire now. I know this is a rather short submission lacking somewhat in colour and narrative vigour compared to my other attempts.

Never fear, I am working on a new fantastic piece, guaranteed to win some sort of award I’m sure.

Flee before me now.

Stickman's thoughts:

Come on, that was a bit watered down. Was looking forward to something more colourful…