Readers' Submissions

Ubon Tiger Hunting

  • Written by Pedro
  • March 31st, 2005
  • 10 min read


Ubon is not your typical thriving whoreopolis like Bangkok or Patong or Pattaya… however… there is some fun to be had here.

I've been here less than a half-year now and I'm finally beginning to come up with some kind of operating procedure here. I'm a US citizen, and as the rest of you know, in the US the men are mistreated, disrespected, and are victims of women's rights and all that other silliness. Here we are in charge. At least we think we are.

I met up with a fellow farang at the food market the other night. I had met him one morning at an interview for a teaching position for grade school – Pratom 2. He is from the UK and a muay Thai boxer. He's been bumming around TH for 10 months and been in Ubon for 3. I had just sat down with my blended juice and I saw his blonde head through the darkness and went over to talk a little bit. It turns out that we are both trying to control Ubon and are in direct competition for the city's most eligible bachelorettes – and married unfaithfuls. I was afraid…

Here is this guy, 3 inches taller… a boxer… better looking… 8 years younger than me (I'm 38). I thought I was in solid control of Ubon – not a worry… I've only seen an average of 1 farang per day here. My landlord calls me "Tiger Hunter". I've brought more than a dozen tigers past him and his wife as they slept on benches RIGHT BESIDE the front door of their home (I had the upstairs room). These tigers were not "bought" tigers… well, they are in the traditional sense, dinners, lunches, movies. But not in the bargirl sense.

No matter, here was this other Tiger Hunter. He was lean… mean? he was primed for big game and I dared not ask his numbers for fear of losing my whole face right there at the night market.

So we talked… about… well, what else… We talked about what the tiger situation looked like here and what our modus operandi (MO) was… where do we go… ho do we go after… what part of town do we occupy… We said nothing about our guns, as that wasn't appropriate at the time. Perhaps my new friend did reveal too much when he said that the girls here in Thailand seem to LOVE IT HARD AND FROM BEHIND… This is in direct opposition to what I've experienced… I have found that girls are tiny and cannot take a good pounding. I had the most fleeting idea that maybe I was hunting with some bigger equipment… and I relaxed a little bit… That little bit of "knowledge" was enough to put us on par… I didn't care what his numbers were… 😉

So – we gossip like Thais for the next 40 minutes. Fast and furious, we're recalling conquests left and right – all of them just in Ubon… who knows where else he has stalked game. I know he spent the first 7 months somewhere in TH but we didn't even get to talking about those expeditions. After we had both run through a superficial list of 15 or so girls each and where we met them, how we met them, how they gave us their mobile numbers, how many of them had Thai boyfriends, how many liked it hard… how many were virgins, etc… we felt the need to do some scouting. We paid our 25 baht for grilled chicken and moo and drove around the city for an hour and pointed out to each other nearly every spot we knew about. We might have hit 20 spots. There MUST be farangs here that know another 30 more if we two newbies knew of 20. Can we somehow get everyone together for a brainstorming session and map out EVERY place that exists here? I plan on being here for quite a while and the sooner I get this place wired – the better.

Here's where I was astounded about how little I knew about Ubon… I had spent 4 months (approx) in Ubon. This guy knew MANY more dens for these tigers than I thought existed… there were tigers right under my NOSE apparently. And I hadn't a clue! He told me about the freelancers around Rajabhat that would take 500b short time to make some extra cash for their tuition or rent. He took me to the cowboy bar and showed me the cowgirl bar behind it. He showed me the fishbowl. The Rock. FELICE. Some brothels. Some karaoke places. It was like we were in Africa… riding our stallions around to spot game. It was hot as balls and there was a tension in the air like there always was before a big hunt.

Before meeting this guy I had only one main source of information for my tiger hunts… and that was the old landlord that picked me up from the train station a few months ago… he spoke English well enough and we shared many "top secret" (he was married) discussions about what was going on here in Ubon and how to capitalize on it. He showed me the street where the brothels are… the karaoke places… he hinted about massage places near Polytechnic university that were staffed by young co-eds. He ran a virtual bordello at his home… he built dormitories around his house and would sometimes bone the girls from the countryside that couldn't afford the 750 baht rent per month – as payment.

Oh – my new friend from the UK KNEW my landlord! We even dropped by to say hello and tell him about some big hunts coming up. Apparently the landlord is "SINGLE" on April first when his Thai wife leaves to travel the south for a week. We promised to hunt together at that time.

My landlord was a taxi driver – so he'd find girls for me and get their phone numbers… He'd tell me their name, their stats, and that they wanted to learn English… he told me that I should arrange some private lessons upstairs or in one of the free rooms in the dorm. At times he would blatantly TELL the girls that they don't have to pay – just bone me and I'll teach them English! They'd disappear usually since they lost face with him knowing that I was going to f*k them for their lessons. At times he kept quiet and expected me to somehow work it – but I was not at all familiar with this way to persuade tigers. Was this accepted? Is this a proper way to bag big game? I wasn't sure…and I blew it every time by quoting a price for the girl to learn… and she of course had no money and didn't know how to say that she'd trade Pu**y for English so I missed out on maybe 6-8 tigers in the process.

Enter my new UK friend who also had another friend here- an old fart named Bubba (alias) that I had ALSO met and spent one drinking night with a couple months back. Bubba and I didn't get to speak about tiger hunts since his wife was at the table with us… but apparently my new friend had spoken at some length about how to teach English for pu**y.

The way it was explained… (third hand – so…) A girl asks if you teach English – "OF COURSE" you say. She asks how much… because she doesn't have much money – she is from countryside… "No problem, We'll talk about it later" you say… and proceed to set up the first lesson immediately. At the first lesson – don't mention money… but flirt with her and see if she might be a candidate for this technique… Remember, you are now in the same superior position as a bargirl that you take back to your room – stupidly- without agreeing on a fee first. She can charge you whatever she likes. 1000 b short time? 1500? But with this system, YOU ARE IN CONTROL of the fee. If the fee is 500 baht per hour – which is somewhat reasonable… she owes you 500 baht. If she can't pay it… well then, you're a reasonable fellow…something can always be worked out.

Bubba would sometimes – at the end of the lesson – just put his hand on her thigh and then they'd shortly be going for it… other times he'd wait until 2nd lesson. Choice is yours. Choice is hers too. There are girls that will NOT go for this arrangement and the tiger will become fierce… No harm done, just apologize and move on. There is an ENTIRE JUNGLE of tigers here.

Now, Bubba was not even acceptable looking. He was early 60's, smoked constantly, had some grey hair, a body like he was 70… and in general, nothing to look at. It didn't matter… when my new friend and Bubba went out – they stopped at a hairdresser's to pick up two nubile nymphets about 19 yrs and took them to the bars… Apparently they both knew the deal and were giving Bubba pu**y for English for months.

I am eager to try this "soft" hunting technique. If it worked for Bubba, I'm sure it is working for others out there. If you have experience with this technique over the years – and I'M SURE that there are some wiley old-timers that have it down to an exact science… please write.

My friend from England and I realized we'd have to split up the town if we were to both be as successful as we had been. So far we hadn't run into each other… but, Ubon is small enough that 2 big game hunters are going to run into each other by shooting at the same tiger at some point. There are a million Thais here but, for some reason the place is SMALL. Gossip is insane here. If a girl at a restaurant looks at me and smiles a couple times… UBON knows. It gets around in about one day.

He gets the North and I get the South. We decided it was safer for both of us to split the city up. If there are other Tiger Hunters out here that we're unaware of… you'll have to let us know. If you're wearing camouflage here and going stealthy, trying to remain out of the newspapers we're still going to find out about you anyway before long. Like I said, the Gossip is so thick you could choke a tiger with it.

We're planning some joint expeditions here in the next few days and weeks. If there's anyone that wants to come along for the hunt… you're welcome. We'll hit the usual haunts… FELICE, THE ROCK, some brothels, some karaoke spots… It's safer in numbers here – at least 2 is recommended. Drunk Thai guys at the bars here are jealous quick and stupid even quicker. It doesn't hurt to go out in numbers.

Stickman's thoughts:

This is a tough submission to comment on as there really are many issues, and many angles.

The idea of teaching English and trading it for sex is highly questionable, and you really should be very careful, because sooner or later, you are going to bed the wrong girl. She might be a girl who gives you her virtue because she felt a debt to you or she might be a young lass or just happens to be the daughter of someone influential or powerful. Or it just might be that her boyfriend finds out she bonked a farang and he might come looking for you. Either way, as much fun nas I am sure it is, you really should be careful….

Of course there is the other side of it…I am sure there are a number of girls who use the "teach me English ruse" as a means to get into YOUR PANTS! They maintain face that way!