I read with huge amusement and some despair the recent influx of sometimes tiresomely boring but often entertaining submissions to Stick’s site. Fortunately, I can just skip the yawn-a-minute reminiscences of drunken escapades with the local girls and enjoy the informative and amusing stuff. Not that I’m judgmental, it’s just that while it might have been fun for you, second hand nooky has never done much for me. Excuse the pun.
But, boy oh boy, have I been entertained with some of the past few submissions. I reckon you must have your “Pompous Clown” filter turned on in Hotmail, Stick, because that is all that seems to be getting through! Flip that filter from “accept only” to “reject all” and sanity will be restored. <You're not wrong – Stick>
First, we have our lovely Thai lady who goes by the handle “Educated Thai Woman”. Now, I would like to think that the choice of the word “educated” was deliberate, but, alas, I fear not, at least in some way other than elitist. What she really means is “I am clever and they are stupid”. She holds her nose in the air and looks down with scorn upon these “bunch of low-class, un-educated, rude and bad people”, then adds insult to injury by condescendingly declaring “I don’t have anything against poor people”. Well, no, I don’t suppose you do, love, but they are just low class trash, are they not? Heaven forbid that we should perhaps offer these “poor people” the opportunities you clearly and unashamedly enjoyed. Perhaps then they could get a half decent job and wouldn’t be seduced into the life you so obviously despise. It’s that “cheap sex and cheap booze” I guess. As opposed to what? Expensive sex and expensive booze in your circle of friends? The French and Russians had their own unique and imaginative ways of dealing with your type. You’d better hope that come the Thai revolution it is British style, else you’ll be one of the first to go. Oh, no, of course you won’t. You don’t even live here, do you now? You live in Dallas. I bet you never venture into South Dallas, all those “uneducated, coarse, poor people”. Dark skinned, too. Of course, you do realize that everybody who sees you with your “nice” American husband thinks he picked you up in a bar in Bangkok. You can tell them what you like, but behind your back, to them, you’re a bar girl. I’ll bet you work like crazy on your yank accent so they’ll think you are a local born Thai. I can just see you cursing yourself every time you say “litten”. Understand that Dallas is a redneck town. In Dallas, they look at you like you look at the “uneducated“ girls you so obviously despise. If you think I don’t know what I’m talking about, I live there too. I know. Not nice when the shoe is on the other foot, is it? So, you got accepted by Oxford and London did you? Yes, I know what it’s like. Me too. I was accepted by Oxford, Cambridge, MIT, Harvard, Yale and Stanford. Sod ‘em, I thought, I’ll go to some no name backwood (backward?) university instead. Well, you do, don’t you? Then find myself a rich American wife. Screw home and all those poor uneducated people. Let them rot, that’s what I say. That’s all they deserve. I’ll just make my fortune in the US while they remain poor, then retire there with my ill gotten gains, live on the cheap off of their backs and still be contemptuous of them. They are your people for Christ’s sake. Show a little compassion.
Then we have our “Holier than thou” Mr. Calibra. What this clown is prattling on about, God only knows. He’s another one who uses the euphemism “educated” when he really means to say “stupid”. Not his old lady though. Oh no. Must be the Chinese in her; can’t be the Thai, he’s made it quite clear how he feels about Thailand. Bet she’s light skinned too, not like those coarse, dark skinned, stupid, country, pure Thai girls. Naturally she’s beautiful too. Well, I bloody well hope you think so pal, because she’s your old lady, and if you don’t think she’s beautiful, no other bugger will. And, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? What everyone else thinks about you. You’re one of these guys who sits in judgment of everyone else while secretly shagging the girl in the mail room or cruising the paedophile sites; just for research, of course. “Little brown uneducated childish farmers' daughters”. This clown actually said that! There’s that uneducated word again. I’ll tell you what pal, if you really care about these people, stop treating them with scorn and get your toffee nosed old lady to do something to help them improve their lot. Uneducated they may be, stupid they most certainly are not. They might not have made the best choice in selling themselves as they do, but boy oh boy, can I understand WHY they do it. Hobson’s choice mate. What would your “born with a silver spoon in her mouth” old lady do if her choice was wiring together rebar for 100 baht a day in the hot sun or working as a bar girl for 20k baht plus a month? (And please, the next pillock who tells me jobs are available that pay anything other than shit for people with 4 or 6 years of school should shut their mouths and give their collective fat arses a chance). You need a degree in Europe to deliver pizza these days. I bet you’re the kind of dick who leaves a 20 baht tip on a 2k baht bill and thinks he’s being generous. You think working girls are being exploited? Ever buy anything made by one of these 100 baht a day folks in a sweat shop? I’ll bet you have. You’re still think you are better than the “sandal wearing white tree trunk legged gut bursting sweat dripping twats” who at least pay a decent rate for the services rendered and show some respect, don’t you now, you pompous twit?
Then we have our friend “Ajarn Wannabe”. What a hoot! Surely this is a piss-take. He cannot be real. I can’t wait to get hold of his definitive “Basque-English” dictionary, sounds like riveting reading. Must be “definitive”, he said so himself! Ajarn Neverbe more likely. Really, this is so riddled with laugh a line stuff that it has to be a joke? Whoever wrote it is very good, because it certainly reads “real” first time. Disbelief starts to creep in at the second reading and by the third reading I was rolling on the floor laughing. Great stuff, as Stick would say. I can’t wait for the second bullshit laden instalment. The opportunity to learn new foreign phrases I’ve never heard an English speaker utter and variations in the use of prefixes just to show how clever Neverbe is, is not to be passed up, or is that unpassupable? So much to learn, so little time! Let’s see, a couple of pints of Guinness or an evening with “The definitive Basque-English dictionary”. Tough choice, that. I’ll have to think about it. Not. Teaching yourself Thai is a bit like wanking. Very satisfying for you but no bloody use whatsoever to anybody else. The definitive Thai-English dictionary will be great, I’m certain. Well, it will have been compiled by a bloke working alone in his bed-sit who has taught himself Thai without ever having been to Thailand and, for all we know, never having met a Thai (get a clue chum, they are not Thais in those Thai restaurants – they’re Chinese, you plonker) and all in eighteen months. Well, he has a masters – he said so himself. It must be true. It will undoubtedly be absolutely authoritative. Not. How old is this twit? Ten?
Anyway, all those twerps out there just aching to get on their lofty perch and pompously preach to the pitiful poor, please, please don’t stop. Keep the crap coming. We love it. And, you know what? Nobody gives a toss what you think, and you really don’t want them too, do you? Then you might actually have to do something.
A bit harsh on Ajarn Wannabe I thought…