Readers' Submissions

7 Days In Thailand

  • Written by Anonymous
  • March 5th, 2005
  • 6 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By A Celeb


Hi all, before I start, I would just like to say….I love you, I love you all. Especially you younger ones!!

I stumbled across this site quite by chance as I pretended to be ill just to get away from that horrid judge and prosecutor in Santa Monica. I needed time to think and work on my defense and being the sensitive person that I am, and on hearing about the smiling and gentle people of Siam, I made up my mind to use the 7 days given to me and make a trip to Thailand. Ok, I was ALSO given a nudge (Oh Stop it) by my good "friend" Gary Glitter who made a fleeting trip to SE Asia and even had the good fortune of receiving a free trip back home.

I decided to travel in economy class to deflect any possible media attention from myself and my status and it was wonderful!! I love you all !! I had three rows of seats all to myself and all the beautiful people on board were really considerate. They even held their children on their laps so that I could have more space to myself. I do not remember much of the trip though, because soon after having my mineral water (strangely served to me on a long pole and having a peculiar taste?) I fell into a very deep sleep and only awoke when they finally stowed the aircraft away for the night. The staff were however once again wonderful (I love you) and very concerned about me as when I awoke they had even arranged for a few policemen to be on hand and had also strapped me in very securely in case I fell out the seat! I just felt sad that I could not say goodbye to all those lovely fellow passengers and their beautiful, beautiful children.

Did I feel safe and secure as these wonderful (very cute) men in brown ushered me through a side entrance and into an awaiting special police vehicle. They were so, so concerned about my welfare as they kept asking me where I would be staying and for how long. Just to be sure they even attached an electronic homing device to my wrist! Well done Mr. Thaksin, you have a lovely, caring police force. I love you. The trip to my hotel was rather scary with all the traffic and noise, but I took comfort in the firm grip that the cute guys on each side of me held me with. Security at the hotel was also exceptional and my only complaint was that the nursery section was locked and bolted. Probably a hotel that did not cater for young parents and their kiddies. Anyway, after a lovely pillow fight with the young bellboy I was very tired and I hardly had the energy to remove my makeup before I drifted off to Neverland holding my Diana cuddly toy and feeling safe and warm in my Peter Pan Pyjamas. Only woke up once to have a wee wee and thereafter slept soundly.

Breakfast was served in my room, Wow, they really go out of their way to treat one well here! Imagine if they knew who I really was. Food was OK, a bit hot for my liking. Talking of hot…my problems started when I left the hotel for a walk, nattily dressed in a tight white outfit that would surely wow the locals. I felt as though I was melting in that scorching heat!! It must have been the heat coupled with the strange smell of the city and the pollution, but a few of the people looked strangely familiar to my friends who had escorted me the previous evening. Oh well I felt reassured and walked in time the beat of the homing device and had a great time imitating the locals by placing my hands together in front of my face and bowing a lot. Must remember to do that more often in my shows. The locals seemed to love it and laughed a lot, but by this time my makeup and implants were really starting to run and I needed to get back to my hotel. A friendly local seemed to know exactly where I was staying and guided me firmly back to my hotel and blessed relief of the air-conditioning.

I realised that I had to get to a cooler place and the staff seemed really happy to recommend a place called Pattaya a few hours south and I took their advice and headed off with the complimentary transport provided. I'm glad I took their advice as Pattaya was far cooler than Bangkok and it seemed to have more of a party atmosphere. Maybe I could get to show the locals some of my moves. I was shown to a hotel in what they call a Soi and I was glad that I was in the Soi 8 to 12 area as I have always had an affection for those numbers, I don't know why? Sure was glad my disguise was working as all around me big fat men were being harassed by young girls and I had the chance to be alone and watch the goings on at the beach front road. I did however meet a strange oldish man who walked past me a few times and looked me straight in the eye and smiled at me a lot. What was strange was the fact that he was carrying an assortment of very strange tools and implements and food. I mean, what would someone obviously on holiday be doing with a stepladder, drill, eyebolts and rope? The fruit and donuts I could understand, but the other stuff?? Probably had no maintenance crew at his hotel. Anyhow I smiled back as I felt rather sorry for this smallish man and thought maybe I could be of assistance. Well guess what?? Seems he was from Boston in the good O'l USA and we seemed to "click" straight away! There was also a weird sexual tension in the air between us, was it as easy as this to meet someone special as I had read? What fantastic things awaited me in his room? Only time would tell, and hand in hand we strolled to his place.

My new friend (we'll call him D to protect his identity) was a charming, witty man although he did have some very weird habits like hiding money in strange places when he thought I was having a poo and not looking. Maybe I will leave him a few dollars when I go as he seems to be rather hard up, how much I'm not sure as I normally pay with candy and fun fare rides. His hotel also seemed to have no decent crockery as he asked if we could eat all the fruit off my body?? He must have also been rather short sighted as he kept nibbling on Winkie instead of the banana I placed there. I normally don't go for older people, but something about D touched my heartstrings (Hey, there could be a song title here!!) and that night I found out what the building items were for!! Thanks D, I learned a lot of things for future use, I love you! PS Hope you found the money I hid in the hem of your curtain.

Sorry guys, gotta run, the Bailiffs called my name…Will fill you in (Oooops) on all the other interesting people and events that made this such a wonderful adventure. I love you….

Stickman's thoughts:

Magic!