You Gotta Believe Me
By The Bingo Drongo
Hi, my name is Gerald Koff, but my friends know me as Ger. This article is about how I ended up in LOS, but first a little about my favourite topic….me! I am 43 (age not waist), but most people say I don’t look my age. Probably because of my discrete hand reared toupee (wig to you ignoramus’), my tailor made corset and the tight elasticised chest flattener. I am in good shape, having played sport most of my life, predominantly pool, darts and dominoes. My passion and the thing that gives me the enviable lifestyle is Bingo!
I want to share Bingo with the third and developing world. Hey it brings people together, it sharpens the senses and it helps mould one’s numeracy skills. Plus there’s always the chance you may win some dosh.
A schooldays mate, Norbert Hedd (Nob to his friends) was visiting family back in Grimsby and we caught up. He told me how he’d moved to LOS 10 years prior after being made redundant by the council. He set my mind racing with stories of his new home: the sights, the smells, the climate, and the copious amounts of rumpy pumpy. But he said prison wasn’t all bad. He was adamant though that one thing he missed of a night time was Bingo. As you do.
He begged me to come to Thailand first. The place is full of expat Brits, Aussies, Kiwis, Yarpies (Boers). Even the Frogs, Krauts and Dutchies could be roped in he felt. Hmmm I mused, it certainly seems to have possibilities. I mean I’m sure having gratuitous sex with beautiful lithe young women half your age and drinking every day must lose its sheen after a while. Yep I thought, why not, give it a go. However I had some dilemmas of a domestic nature to deal with.
I have a half share in a bingo hall and a milk round in Grimsby. I’ve got my racing pigeons and whippets. Then there’s my home. Once the old gas works is pulled down I will have a view to die for. All that greenery at the local cemetery is just so soothing. I have two vintage cars, a robin reliant and a 20 year old Transit van. Then there was also my gal…. Jenny Tals. We’d been together ever since we met at the Boilermakers Club Speed dating night. She was a catch. I’d caught all sorts off her. I’ve always been one for the lasses mind you. Many’s the night I’d be walking home with yet another ‘10’ under my arm and the comments I’d get…..’Ger, I don’t how you do it’, or ‘for [email protected]#% sake, you aren’t shagging that are you’’. Then I’d grab her Zimmer frame and we’d get moving again.
But when you are a successful go getter like me, you’ve just got to take risks, otherwise you just stagnate, so I liquidated the lot. It wasn’t too bad liquidising the pigeons but those whippets proved problematic.
So I organised my ticket to Thailand, bought a few Hawaiian shirts….Bangers here I come. I do a lot of travelling me, and always in style. Well just last year I accumulated 1000 frequent bus traveller points. Pontefract, Blackpool, Hull, Preston, oh I could go on but I won't. Like most people of means I like to maintain a façade of humbleness. Not for me publicising my worth and my desirability. It’s just so vulgar and pretentious, n’est pas?
The day of the flight arrives, off I chuffs to that London. Bangkok via Amsterdam, Frankfurt, Moscow, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur and Hong Kong. Don’t you think travel broadens the mind? I’m proud to say I took a dump in 6 countries during the course of the journey. Nob was there at the airport waiting for me, 36 hours later. After pushing our way through the assembled throng a limo was waiting for us. I didn’t realise that yellow and green Toyota Corollas could be classed as limos but Nob was quite sure.
I asked him about the hotel he had organised on the way. Nana Hotel he said, very classy. He said the place was just a hive of activity and the hotel didn’t mind how many meetings you organised in your room or when you had them. Perfect I thought. Gold old Nob!
He also said he had arranged a meeting that night with a couple of his associates from Pattaya. Joe Kerr, an expat from Birmingham and Mike Hunt, a Kiwi guy. Well on to the hotel, and great it was too. Nothing as grand as this in Grimsby. A shower, shave and a release of a reminder of old Blighty and I was ready for the night.
Nob was waiting for me in reception and he said we were off to a classy little joint called the ‘Beergarden’. It wasn’t that far from the hotel, and the sights I saw before we got there were something for sore eyes. You know even on the way, the way those girls looked at me…well I was somewhat taken aback. A lot of these girls seemed quite tall and statuesque and I just loved the husky voices on them. Jenny who I thought.
The Beergarden was duly entered and again, a torrent of totty. The way these girls look at you. All my life women have lusted after me (especially the night before pension day at the Boilermakers) but I was just not prepared for this. Well I put away libidinous thoughts, I was absolutely ‘Lee Marvin’. Nob suggested a bowl of the local soup. Phew, that’ll put the haemorrhoids in their place. ie.out of my arse.
The food put me in the mood for a few cold ones and the fun began. Another of my many qualities is my capacity to consume ale. Many’s the night I have walked home with my eyes to the sky, head tilted back, just in case any beer spilt out. By the way, if any under 18’s are reading this, be warned… Drinking is neither big nor clever!
You know, the more drink I put down my neck, the more attractive I became to these ladies. They were all gagging for it. Dirty cows. They must be able to tell I’m a bit of class I suppose.
Anyway this absolute 19 out of 10 came over and made her intentions clear. ‘I smoke you and give you best boom boom in Beergarden’. Honesty is the best policy I thought. That’s what happens when you are a chick magnet. Her name was Wan. Just for laughs I said if we get married you’ll be known as Wan Koff. Boy did we slap our thighs at that one. She was unmoved. All she wants is the ride this one. I’m thinking to myself I hope she doesn’t just think I’m a piece of meat. I have feelings and a brain as well. The other thing I liked was her colour coordination. Her yellow dress really set off the blue blotches on her legs. I gave the guys the “you know how it is, she wants me to give her one“ wink and we left.
I asked if she knew where my hotel was because I was a bit lost. She smiled and said not to worry, she had an idea where it was. Into the room and off she goes for a shower. 20 minutes later she emerges and I could tell by her eyes she was amazed by my body, even with the toupee and corset off. I was debating whether to remove the dentures, but decided against as I’d heard these birds weren’t into ‘frenchies’.
She drops the towel. I was awestruck. How she survived that bandsaw wound to the stomach is amazing. She looked at me again, and said ‘you OK’. Don’t worry about us Koff’s darling, we have a family motto Body of Steel, Heart of Gold & Knob of Butter.