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Khun Bob In Ameriga Part 1

  • Written by The Boner
  • January 18th, 2005
  • 5 min read


P Bob got off the plane from Bangkok. LA was one amazing place – expensive, full of farang freaks from all corners of the world, hopeful actors and musicians trying their luck on Hollywood Blvd, Mexican immigrants in their ghetto next to Korean immigrants in their karaoke bars with imported poor Korean “hostesses”, rich Japanese in Little Tokyo, and of coarse the farangs in their own land, some young punk musicians, others rich and old in their BMWs.

P Bob had been in the other City of Angels, Krung Thep, for over 5 years. He knew he was the shit! The man! The little Budha! Hell, he was the front feet of the elephant and women were the rear!

He went into the bathroom to comb his hair. He’s thinking he must be God’s gift to women. Sure, he should’ve paid for that hair transplant, but why spend 100,000 baht for hair when that is almost 3 months food, beer, and Nana girls? Anyways, all women thought he was sexy with his shiny forehead and a little fat seems to turn on the chicks. He never understood why he’s handsome, but clearly he is given all the women that flocked to him. He must have been the greatest smooth talking playboy too, with how quickly he gained women’s interest.

Punter Bob was getting horny. It had been 16 hours since his last “conquest” at Angel’s Disco, just before he flew out to LA. He spent his last 2,000 baht on this dark-skinned Issaan beauty. What a bargain!

Now he was in LA. He grabbed the bus to Santa Monica. He chose to hang out there with a friend that spends every other 3 months in LOS. His buddy was gone but he got the keys for checking out his scamming buddy’s BG girlfriend in Pattaya a few months back. All P Bob had to do was water the plants, pay the utilities, and not be a pig. The last part was the challenge, as he no longer had his little Udon Thani teeruk to clean after him. Her visa application was rejected for ya ba arrests last year. Oh well, he broke up with her 2 weeks before leaving LOS to get his share of variety, and was sure he’d pick up a new Asian American or farang hottie Stateside. No women could resist his sexy paunch and shiny head.

The ride took forever. He thought it was like riding the night bus to Isaan from Bangkok, but the seats were nicer, there was actually cool AC, but hell, it was expensive! Anyways, he goes off the bus, cabbed over to the house for $15 USD (the price of a nice short time in Pattaya) and unpacked.

After a quick shower, he headed to the nearest bar. It was an Asian hangout, but things felt weird – all the chicks spoke perfect English, they didn’t run up to him, and some even seemed turned off by the baldness and belly. What was up? Anyways, he got drunk and went home to sleep it off.

Over the next few weeks, P Bob checked out the rest of the Asian hangouts and the reaction was the same. Even the immigrant women didn’t seem interested. Hell, even the Thai Isaan girls demanded $500 bucks in Thai Town (LA) to do some “boom boom”. No way could Bob pay that, as his weekly budget was only $150 USD.

Western women and Westernized women were total bitches. Don’t they know all men like thin and young and hot girls? Don’t they understand that they should be happy when a guy wants to spend some time with them? It doesn’t matter if he was actually serious about a relationship, like they claimed either, since his lies were so perfect that they should have believed him.

Why do they expect him to have a good job and career? A little money under the table after some “action” should be enough. And these girls got money working Stateside anyways, so they should be paying him!

Why do they expect him to be fit and rich and with hair? Thai and Lao and Cambodian girls half his age did not care. Don’t they realize, like so many Thai girls, that a fat old and ugly guy is better? He ain’t going to be able to leave them as easily.

And what about food here? No more cheap 50 cent roasted chick, noodles, or satang beef anymore. You gotta drive to Mckey D’s just to pay 250 baht for a burger, fries, and coke. Bob was getting paunchier by the day and his ass was on fire on the toilet!

Beer was the last straw. A nice Chang in a bar with a hostess on the lap ran 50 baht but a beer at home ran 60-80 baht and all he had was the TV with a 200 baht porno. His girlfriend was named Khun Rosy Palm.

At least he had his job. He was making a smooth $320 a week ($8 an hour) at the Thai restaurant his buddy’s wife ran. Her mother was running the place while the buddy and wife were in Udon for the next 3 months. It was the only place he got any action. The mom was his age, but hell she was old and a woman, and then there was the waitress and hostess who came from Korat. They worked all day, drank and played cards with each other all night at the nearby house, and rarely left the Thai community. They liked him and one even talked about marrying “hansum Bob” for a green card. Bob wouldn’t have minded, but he’d heard he could get $25k to help a rich Thai lady immigrate from Bangers, so he didn’t want to lose his load on some poor Issaan girl.

P Bob had a plan. He was gonna save for the next 3 months and go back to LOS for 3 months, and do it again and again. He never had to work for the last 5 years but all the savings were gone, so this way at least, he could always look forward to the next 3 months. His buddy didn’t mind giving him free housing for now, and he would worry about future housing later….like the Thais say, mai pen rai.