I made the call, I’ve had to read my previous submissions just to remind myself why I’ve just broken this girl's heart.
When your expecting chaos, and you get a calm emotional girl with clear incredibly perceptive emotions, you're knocked sideways – at least I was.
She told me she would grow up for me, she’d change anything in her life to be with me, she missed holding my hand when she swam over the reefs, she missed the travel, the swimming pools, the hotels, she missed my friends, my children, my apartment, my hug, even my ironing, she wanted me to come back under ANY circumstances.
I offered to pay the last payments on her motorcycle, but she said she would manage, I offered to send her money for the rest of the year, but she just wants to make me sticky rice, and Tom Kha Gai again, my favorites. She just wanted me to come back and would wait for me as long as it took. She’s hurting so much, I feel terrible.
So what did I tell her?
I told her I had to try to make it work with my ex wife for my children’s sake, and when she calmed down, I mean she cried a lot – she didn’t lose it, she didn’t throw the phone around, F and blind to me, she didn’t cut her wrist, or tell me she was going to kill me – she told me she had seen it coming. She felt something was wrong, and that whilst she couldn’t believe it, she accepted something had been wrong for a while.
She knew it stemmed from her wrist slashing, and I told her clearly how this had scared me. It was why she hadn’t drank anything since New Year, why she hadn’t been to bed late, and nagged me every time I went out, it was why she would tell me she loved me every time we finished a conversation, even though it had mostly been me that had finished the calls in such a way. Perceptive for a 21 year old don’t you think?
There's no going back, though I’m tempted – I’m tempted to just go get her, marry her, and bollocks to my feelings and bollocks to what people will say, and bollocks to everyone that has some jumped up opinions about us.
But when I’m sober I remember the horror of the slashed wrist, the blood endlessly oozing onto the apartment floors and furniture, the knife raised in the air ready for another swipe. Then I remember the moods, the endless moods that couldn’t be smoothed over with a cheeky comment, or a sorry, the drinking, the drinking herself to oblivion because I had to spend a night out with a customer and she couldn’t come, how bored I was of her cartoons and WWF wrestling, the stench of that fish paste she cooked with that left my apartment stinking for a week. The eating with her mouth open, or sat with her feet up on the chair in the restaurant. The over ordering in every Thai restaurant we ever went too, the crunch and smell of the Papaya salad in my ear when I was working, the mindless conversations I had too listen to because when I offered my opinion it was swished away with a hand in the air because I was just a farang, but I still had to listen. <What a fxxxing nightmare – Stick>
So after every submission I’ve told people to go out and try, go and fill your boots, and yet every trip – 15 over the last 4 years alone, I’ve met with broken hearted girls who have been picked up, and put down, those girls I’ve
shared a drink with, and they’ve shared a little of their troubles, and all with the same story to tell, Farang came, he saw, he conquered, then after a while he became bored and went home leaving her with broken promises, and a broken
heart. The power it gave them to fight back, and rip off those bastard Farangs.
My Flossy has just joined that legion. I’ve just become one of those people I hated.
Yes, I’ve been with a Thai girl, and she was special – she’ll always have a place in my heart, but will I do it again?
I stop to analyse my mistakes.
1. Lust, the lust of that first smile, those eyes, that beautiful skin, the body.
2. The pull of those words, the words she and every bargirl learns to pull you in.
3. The ease with which I opened my wallet to let her and her friends be entertained.
4. The ease with which I made her become the part of my life simply by being me.
5. The warmth of her hand in mine, and that smile, and those eyes, and that skin and that body.
Yes, it’s easily done isn’t it?
I’ll be in touch.
You had no choice. You did the right thing.