Infatuation Thai, Part 2: Love At First Bite
From Part 1: A quick trip to www.dictionary.com will tell you that the word infatuation means several things:
1) A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction. See Synonyms at love. or
2) An object of extravagant, short-lived passion.
I am not sure which one best defines how I feel about Thailand. I guess it is safe to say both of them apply to me. What I thought would be a short lived passion has become what some would say is a foolish, unreasoning and extravagant passion or attraction.
With that initial step off the plane at Don Muang International Airport in 2000, I (Sweet Tooth) entered the Land of the Free for the first time. If you recall from Part 1 (posted 20 January 2005), I originally flew down from Taipei as a weekend break/adventure with a business pal of mine H.B. (Happy Buddha). Bless my friend’s heart for trying his best to mentally prepare me for this adult candy land. Neither one of us knew at that time that he created a monster…a Cookie Monster at that! What was it that the now famous character in the Sesame Street television show always used to obsess with in a loud vocal manner? I WANT MY COOKIE!! Man o’ man…I have had my fair share of them over the years here in Thailand.
Once HB and I cleared customs in BKK, I took a long hard look around the place as I was descending the escalator to the baggage claim area. Let me say that I was initially not impressed with this airport. It seemed old and tired, yet at the same time, something about the electricity and dynamics of the place intrigued me. That was the first and only time I made that descent that I was not scratching at the rails to get down to grab my bags off the moving baggage carrousel to bust out into the throngs of limo driver hawkers, hotel bus drivers and Thai beauties waiting on their Farang ATMs. There is a unique level of anticipation I have every time I arrive in BKK. It is hard to describe. I think most of you know what I mean.
As a reward for surviving that gauntlet, our first stop was nearby at a real ATM on the wall. Yes, we needed to get us some baht…the first of many ATM visits to come. Baht is the fuel that feeds the engine. I was ready to shovel some coal into that engine. At the time, I just did not understand the power and ingenuity of it all.
Because we came in from Taiwan, our flight flew all night and we arrived at about nine or so in the morning. This was a slower time of the day. As we walked toward the exit doors, a fairly plain looking Thai girl came up to us and asked us if we wanted to take a free tour of Bangkok. Oh sure, we thought, a free tour…what is the catch? She calmly explained that the Tourism Board of Thailand was doing a special two week program to provide free tours of Bangkok to help promote the country and city. This seemed more than legit (and ended up being that way), despite one detour to a custom clothier shop. In fact, they even provided a free van and driver that drove the three of us around to see the sights.
So, off we went in this van to take the tour of the City of Angels. My friend HB had never actually been on a BKK tour before, so he was open to it, especially being it was so early in our day and a long time from Happy Hour. It would help us kill some time and see the sights and hear the sounds. What the hell, it was free!
Now here is a little bit of information about our Thai girl tour guide-ette. She must have been about 20 years old, because she was going to a university in Bangkok. She was almost a bookworm looking type of girl, even though it may be hard to picture a Thai girl looking like that. She had the usual librarian glasses. However, I am happy to report she spoke very good English. I am sure that is why they hired her. She was friendly and very helpful in explaining what Bangkok was all about.
As we drove down the tollway back into BKK, I was shocked with what I saw in this city. Being from the U.S., I had this mental picture that Bangkok was a larger version of the 1960’s Saigon. I pictured thatch huts and dirt roads. If you have ever seen that 1987 movie “Good Morning Vietnam” with Robin Williams, you will understand the visual picture I had. I had no idea that it would be such a modern city. When I saw all the shiny, modern and tall office buildings and hotels, I was taken aback. Where are all the grass covered rooftops and near naked kids running through the streets begging for money? So, Myth One was squashed.
Now, we did the usual Grand Temple and canal boat tours and visited many other places in BKK. We were having lots of fun with our little Thai tour girl. She was also having a good time practicing her English and I think she enjoyed the banter back and forth. In fact, it was her that eventually gave my friend his nickname of Happy Buddha. He had a pooch gut that made her think of their special Buddha figure. HB was not impressed with her observation, but I cracked up with it all.
When we finished up the four hour tour, she had the driver take us to our hotel in the Washington Square area (Sukhumvit/Soi 22). We tipped the driver nicely and then my friend offered to buy lunch for our Thai guide with us at the hotel. She agreed and sure enough, immediately called a friend. What is it about these girls that they cannot eat alone with Farangs? I know the answer now, but at that time, I was shocked that she just called and invited her friend to eat with us without asking if it was OK. It was not but a few minutes later it seemed like her friend was sitting at our table in the hotel restaurant with us. These Thais are efficient when it comes time to showing up for free food.
Now, this new girl was also more attractive and spoke decent English. She had that look about her. This is when my mind started to kick into fantasy mode. Hmmm…I wonder if something more could happen out of this meal. Hmmm…there had to be a reason her friend called her to be with us. I now know that it all centered on food and lots of it. These little Thai girls can “pound down the Oats” (an old Minnesota farm term) except they were most always so skinny and seemed to stay that way. We ended up just having lots of laughs, but nothing more ever came from it. I think our Thai tour guide gained much face by showing off her new Farang friends. We all shook hands in the lobby and they went on their way. Sorry, no action.
We had no time for nice girls or to make life long friends. We were here on a weekend trip to BKK to get some “poontang” and to party like teenagers. I was just not sure how we were going to do it. HB had not detailed a plan for us, so we just let it fall as it may…and it did. We went back to our rooms, cleaned up and decided to meet back in the lobby at a pre-determined time. I was anxious and somewhat nervous as to what we do next.
HB and I walk out of the hotel and instantly found a Thai cab driver that actually spoke fairly decent English. That made our life so much easier as to how we could communicate our wishes. Ironically enough, his name was Poon. So, I guess you could say we were getting closer to our goal of finding “poontang”, now we just needed the Tang! By this time, we were hungry again and asked Poon to take us to a nice restaurant where we could get some good seafood. I do not remember the place, but it was a ways away from the hotel, but worth the trip. By this time, we had already agreed to hire Poon as our driver for the night for a set fee. He was ours alone.
We also fed Poon that night at the seafood restaurant. It was one of those places where you go over and select your lobster, fish or Kung (prawns) from the big glass tanks. Great food and not overly priced…but what did we know…we were just buying time and fattening ourselves for later activities.
After dinner, Poon drove us to several popular bars and we had some drinks to warm ourselves up. Poon would always be waiting outside for us upon our exit. After our last bar, we decided it was time for some real action. Now, because I was somewhat concerned about STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) and such, I asked HB to take a more conservative route the first time around. So, he asked Poon to take us to place where the girls were clean as a whistle. We did not want to end up with diseases where you would have to die to get rid of them! We also did not want to leave BKK with drizzlin’ hoses.
So, Poon drove us thru some back alley type of streets and I am thinking “where the hell is this guy going”? Maybe he did not understand us correctly. Sure enough, we finally pull to a stop in this somewhat dark alley. We look around and
there was this plain building/house and on the front of it was a small sign that read “Happy House”. He pointed for us to go in the front door. We did. We were so trusting of our new friend Poon.
As we entered, we were immediately met by a Mamasan who seated us at a table for two against the wall. When we sat down, I turned to look across from the wall to see this long glass wall that stretched all the way down the room. The server man takes our drink order and the Mamasan starts in on us. Her English was very good and she methodically stepped us through how the process worked. It was our individual choice to pick any one of the girls that were sitting on the other side of this human fish tank without water. We did not have to hurry and we could take as long as we wanted to make a decision. No pressure.
Now, this is where I start getting blown away. Never before in my life have I ever been presented with a smorgasbord of beautiful (and ugly) girls, let alone Thai. It boggled my mind that this kind of stuff happened! That is how naive I was about all of this. It was so strange (and embarrassing) for me to look over the girls in the glassed in area. Most of them were waving at us and you could see that they were saying in their own language…”Pick me, Pick me!!”. I was having a hard time looking at any of the girls directly in the eye. I am sure my face was fourteen shades of red as I was trying to not act like some horn dog who had never done this before.
We had several drinks before I could make up my mind. HB had his Thai girl picked out by the time he got his first drink. In fact, he told the Mamasan which one he wanted and she pointed to the requested girl and poof…just like that, this girl disappears behind this stage that was set up for this Thai girl buffet. A few minutes later, here comes this goddess of a girl with blue jeans that I swear were painted on her. She looked so much better and sexier than the bullshit they make them wear behind the glass (gowns, sequined dresses, etc). She practically sits on HB’s lap and immediately starts conversing with him in her limited English. HB had a big smile and realized he had “done well” in his selection.
Now it was my turn to pick my Goddess of Pleasure for the evening. Damn…decisions, decisions!! I was a bag of nerves as I shyly reviewed the girls while talking to HB and his new Thai friend. In fact, I made it look like I was not interested in any of them, so I would not have to make it so obvious. Here I was about to have my first extramarital sex in my 20+ years of marriage (and sexual chastity) and now I was getting shy. Geez…only a hick from the Minnesota hinterlands would do this. I just had to tell myself to suck it up and get a decision made. This was not a Thai girl for lifetime!
Finally, as I was browsing back and forth across the room, I kept noticing a really cute Thai girl with thin arms and long black hair with that anticipatory smile that has made Thailand famous as the Land Of Smiles. She also seemed most enthusiastic to be selected, almost waving at me with both hands. Now that I realize what poor families and areas these girls come from, she was probably saying under her breath “Hey Farang, I will be glad be your sex slave for the evening in order to help my family back in the Isaan area”. There was a lot of competition in that pit of love and she knew she had better be more aggressive than the others. Her enthusiastic eyes won me over.
That made my decision so much easier by picking someone who was as motivated to spend the evening with me, no matter the circumstance. We were both motivated for different things. For me it was poontang and for her it was baht. She had the poontang and I had the baht. It was the barter that has been going since the beginning of time. I am beginning to like global commerce!
I nodded to the Mamasan that I had made a decision. I pointed to Miss Enthusiastic Eyes down towards the end of flesh row. The Mamasan acknowledges it, yelled something in Thai and then my Thai girl realized she was the one selected. She jumps up off her seat with arms waving in excitement. Oh great, now I was starting to feel sorry for the numerous other girls I did NOT pick. Such is the life and times of their business I guess. My girl exits stage left and shows up next to me within a few long minutes. Her name was Poi. Wow, she was so skinny and tiny and beautiful. I was used to my Minnesota heifer wife and this Thai girl was so different. My new found infatuation was about to be etched into my moral fiber for a long time. Who knows, that very instant, I was probably scarred for life.
God I love this country of Thailand!
We finish our drinks, pay for the girls and go out to Poon’s taxi to take us back to the hotel. On the drive back, Poi puts her left hand (and arm) on my right leg. Oh my…I have a feeling this will be one hot girl, because she was squeezing my leg and moving it up and down as if she wanted it as bad as I did. If I was Catholic, I would have been giving myself last rights. I knew I was going to be a goner after an evening with this girl. But I am happy to report I survived!
I was shaking my head all the way back to the hotel thinking how easy this whole process was. Simple. Walk in, pick one, pay for her and go about your business. Global commerce…
I will not divulge details as to my evening with her other than to say I was not disappointed with my pick. Like the forbidden Apple that Adam was tempted to bite into (after some nagging coercion from Eve), the Cookie Monster had now tasted his first forbidden cookie in the form of this beautiful Thai girl. Poi was with me “long time” (and many times) and I enjoyed having her lying next to me. This was my first experience with the long beautiful Thai hair and the olive colored and soft skin that melted in my hand. Her body was just so tiny. I was accustomed to using a step ladder to get on my wife and now here I could simply roll over on this Thai beauty. What a concept! I knew at that point in time what a sheltered life I had really lived.
The next morning, I sent Poi off in a taxi never to see her again. However, the memory of that first Thai cookie will stay with me until the day I die.
To conclude this installment of my Infatuation Thai story, let me say that at lunch the next day, I looked over at HB with that smile he recognized. Yes, he knew ‘ole Sweet Tooth was hooked and there was probably no turning back. Now, we both knew the codes!
Future Infatuation Thai stories forthcoming…
Another serious case of yellow fever!