Readers' Submissions

English Bloke Goes Whoring

  • Written by Anonymous
  • December 27th, 2004
  • 8 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

I am writing this mainly as encouragement for those lads who have yet come to Thailand, as it is truly an amazing place. I myself am 28 years old and last year on my 27th birthday I made the trip to the land of smiles. It was my first trip to Asia and outside of the UK, and let me tell you blokes that at first I was quite nervous, yet excited to be a travelling mate. Like all rookie travelers, I expected to miss my mates back home, yet was confident that I would discover new blokes. I am a very quiet guy and in the UK I am a bit of a loner. I am a big bloke at a good two-hundred kgs, the typical shaved head rugby hooligan. I spent most of my time in the UK working as a software engineer and designing model airplanes which I sold on UK eBay in my spare time for some extra pub money. I am still a little embarrassed to admit that when I left the UK I was still an unflowered (virgin) bloke, but the internet makes it easy to be honest. I dated one or two gals in the UK, but mostly the women were mean to me and I am quite a shy bloke. It is fair to say that I was looking for a change in scenery to perhaps meet some new Asian gals and perhaps a change in culture would give me some better luck in the romance field, as I was quite a romantic bloke. My initial plan in Thailand was to stay for 3 weeks, having saved up enough money working, I finally decided that I would turn my 'what if' into a I DID IT…

My airplane left at night and I remembered being very nervous, and as the plane lifted into the sky I wanted to get off. I most have looked like a young kid on a roller coaster. I unbuckled my seatbelt and dropped in the middle of the isle like a beached whale. I pleaded with the mate handing out drinks to have the captain land and let me off. He and the other nice lady (who I now owe a lot too) calmed me down and gave me a brownie and a pill 'to relax'. Let me tell you blokes that the pill relaxed me and I fell to sleep like a hibernating bear bloke. Before I knew if my plane landed and the other pasty white jolly Englishman piled out of the plane. The lobby of the airport scared me. It seemed dirty and everything seemed so very confusing and for a second I considered returning back to the UK, back to where I had a mother and father a few mates to go to the pub with and watch football. But after going into the bathroom and looking in the mirror I pumped myself up and decided that it was time to get down to business and start living my life to the fullest. Maybe I would get a tattoo I joked with myself in front of the mirror, sucked in my gut and exited the airport. The taxi took me to my hotel on Sukhumvit Soi 11. It was a very nice hotel called Suk 11 that I recommend to any of you blokes looking for a hotel to stay in with your mates while in Bangkok.

I was lucky to meet a couple of similar looking blokes in the lobby of the hotel. They saw my pasty white skin and Manchester United T-Shirt and asked me if I wanted to head over to the pub for some beers as they had been to Bangkok many times with other mates and they knew a great UK pub for watching football.

I remember smiling to myself and rubbing my belly. I was doing good. I breathed in and out and was all confidence.

At the pub we talked about the usual friendly things mates chat about while getting pissed: work, football, the queen, and other things English. Then the topic of conversation took a strange turn. The taller, fatter football hooligan asked me if I'd come to Bangkok for the tanned pineapple. I had no idea what he was referring to and just smiled. Then the other guy laughed seeing my expression and asked if I had me a lassie (girlfriend for you non UK blokes reading) back home. I explained to him that I was single and thinking of taking a cooking class to maybe learn some healthy recipes and meet some girls also travelling. Then I started talking about my life goal of finding a soul mate and buying a strawberry farm. I was so drunk and happy that I couldn't help but be honest. They were very kind blokes and they asked me if I wanted to head over to another bar. I said okay and one of the football hooligans looked at his watch and said Nana must be getting started soon.

We headed out in a taxi to what I would later learn was Nana Plaza, a building of bars where beautiful Thai women take care of western men. It is quite an amazing and exciting place for the average bloke. Most men agree that there is something special that burns in the eyes of Thai girls. They are so mysterious. When we entered I was so scared and nervous, and embarrassed as the girls kept rubbing my huge beer belly and calling me sexy man. One girl wanted to know my name – We hadn't even sat down in a bar and my penis was raging hard and a couple girls poked me down their in my special place! It was nothing like I experienced in the UK where so many evil women treated me like garbage. I smiled thinking that maybe the Asian women here were much more pleasant and less judging and more laid back. In the UK the ladies are all fashion oriented and very hard on men. Me and my mates joked about having to go to a gym and get a good body or be rich to get a beautiful bride, but here in Thailand it seemed to be different. I suspected that the girls here weren't as bitching and weren't feminists like the women in the UK. Again, I rubbed my belly and smiled.

The first bar we entered had a string of girls and a huge neon sign. I walked in only to be called sexy and have my penis touched. As I noted before western women showed me little attention and coming here where the women understood my soul was quite a pleasant experience. One girl who must have been only twenty years old sat down and wanted to know information about me. I told her what I did for a living, about my model airplanes, about the UK and about being single. She kept looking at me and smiling and kept rubbing my belly. I felt like the king in UK looking out over a crowd of blokes saluting him. Let me tell you lads that it was an incredible night. I bought her a drink and then she sat on my lap. I thought I was going to explode. she was very firm and tan and cute. I was falling in love. I spent 27 years in the UK watching football and getting drunk and no girls ever understood me, and now the first night I meet a possible soul mate.

Well mates we drank and drank and soon the bars were closing, rather early from what my mates were used to in the UK. She asked me what hotel I was staying at and if she could please please please join me and that she would make me feel very good. God knows I wanted to but I was still nervous. I had bought a pack a condoms and practiced using them in the hotel room, but this was the real thing, and I was still a nervous bloke. BUT, I knew that you only live once so I told her "hey baby lets blow this joint" and off we went back to my hotel.

She was so cute and beautiful in my arm. She kept rubbing my sexy belly and joked that I was bigger than a water buffalo. we made it to my room and as a gentlemen bloke I cant tell you what "went down", but she sure did… I remember turning her over onto her stomach and making love to her. I remember saying "this is for all the English bitches back home", "this is for my dad never being there for me", "this is for david Beckham abandoning us"… I was getting payback. The world owed me and I was no longer an unconfident UK bloke. The morning came and I was a new man. I still had pasty white skin and a huge gut, but I was changed. I didn't care about these things anymore. I was a new bloke. My mates, it is the honest truth…

I have much more to say.. But let me just tell you lads that Thailand is an incredible place. The women are much different than back home. If you are a romantic bloke looking for his soul mate, then come on down here to the land of smiles…

I'll take you down to Nana mate and show you the life…

Stickman's thoughts:

I'm not quite sure what to make of this.