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Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 67

  • Written by Dana
  • November 6th, 2004
  • 7 min read

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes 67


Two friends decide to meet in Pattaya to share drinks and fun times and male adventures. Pattaya is a seaside resort city with a wonderful boardwalk that travels the length of the city and next to the boardwalk of course is the beach and the ocean. Beautiful. Wonderful. The view of the ocean is just fabulous and energizing and the boardwalk is an example of a municipality in a third world country doing something right. The design and the construction and the landscaping of this huge city project was done perfectly. The ocean views, the palm trees, the beach scene, the promenade day or night, the gardens; it is all just a pleasure. Any first time visitor would be impressed but it is particularly impressive to someone coming down from Bangkok. Gone is the suffocating heat and the cloying humidity and the pollution. The ocean view welcomes you with open arms and your heart soars. Impossible to miss. Going to Pattaya and missing the ocean view and the boardwalk scene would be like going to see the movie King Kong and missing the part about the big monkey. Or going to see the movie Cleopatra and not noticing the Pyramids. Anyway. . .

One of the friends is an expat and he has invited his buddy to meet him and visit with him in Pattaya. His buddy has never been to Pattaya before. It's agreed that the first timer will get to Pattaya four days early and then they will hook up. So Mr. Newbie has Bell Travel drop him off at a fancy hotel on 2nd street that the travel lady recommended. He arrives around 12:30pm. On arrival he notices a bar across the street and he decides to go try one of those beers with the elephants on the can. Two beers later he has barfined Ba (barfine 2000baht–special deal for ‘hansum man') and they are back at the hotel slamming like two cans in a paintmixer. Later that night on soi eight he stumbles into a woman named Eat. It is Eat's first night on the job and the owner has told her that all she has to do is help the customers buy drinks and she will make a lot of money. Eat believes him. She is innocent and fresh and young and full of hope and trust and her natural breasts are hitting her under the chin. The newbie feels as if someone has hit him in the head with a ballpeen hammer. He asks her if she will come to the hotel with him. She says yes but "No boom boom". They both wake up in the morning in love. Mr. Newbie says goodbye to Eat at 10:30 in the morning and stumbles into the Mini-Mart to regroup and recharge. There he lurches into an early morning knee trembler named Na who has a stomach so tight and flat you could bounce quarters off of it. Fifteen minutes later they are in his room and he is laughing like a hyena and trying to bounce quarters off of Na's stomach. By now his knees are gone so he just lays on his back for this one. That night he goes back to soi eight to find Eat but she has ‘gone to be with sister'. Five minutes later walking down the middle of soi eight he looks up and sees an apparition coming towards him that no one in Edinburgh has ever seen. A farang and a Thai woman are walking up the street hand in hand. The woman has long black hair and black high heels and a skin tight neck-to-knees see-through white dress that looks as if it was sprayed on. Their walk up the soi looks like something out of a Fellini film. All the sidewalk facing bar patrons and bargirls stop and stare as the woman goes by. She is the most beautiful and the sexiest woman anyone has ever seen. They stare transfixed and respectful as she goes by. Mr. Newbie can't make his feet move. As they get close to him he is hypnotized. When they go by he can not even turn to look. Then he hears it. "She very beautiful woman!" Turning he sees a woman at his side smiling at him. Subsequent conversation establishes that she is thirty eight and has three kids. She is utterly charming. If prior to his trip he had told his friends in Scotland that he was even going to talk to a thirty eight year old woman he would have been jeered. He's learning! And in addition to her natural charm she has an architectural feature that is giving him stabbing pains in both eyes. She has high natural melon shaped breasts that look like they are going to pop right out of the top of her dress. She says she knows about a hotel named the Bella Vista on moo 9 between soi 7 and soi 8. You know the rest. The next afternoon he asks the concierge in his fancy hotel on 2nd street if he knows where the tranny place called Tiffany's is. The concierge smiles and asks him if he likes ladyboys. Well, Mr. Newbie knows an insult when he hears one so he tells the concierge to ‘Fuck Off'. He isn't going in for any of that perverted shit. He's all man all the way. And what real men like to do is shoot at things and have multiple sexual encounters with diseased prostitutes. The reason he is looking for Tiffany's at 2:30 in the afternoon is that they have a shooting range in the basement. If these pygmy people have any 45 caliber handguns he feels like doing some blasting. At Tiffany's the woman hands him his straw basket with a 100 bullets and smiles at him. If the Scots women had smiles like this the Romans would never have left. He finally has to move the target half way up the range just to hit the thing. He has lost his mind. Finally at bullet number fifty it is no good. He just can't concentrate! He takes the remaining bullets and the gun back. Another smile. This time with her eyes. Jesus what a city! Staggering out into the sun around 3:30 he gets disoriented walking home and ends up trundling down soi 6. Jesus Mary and Joseph. In the first bar he sees a guy sitting with his pants down getting serviced in public. He doesn't leave soi 6 until midnight. Now his knees are gone and his back is damaged and his hair is disheveled and he is having trouble getting both eyes to focus at once. He doesn't care.

Thursday morning finds Mr. Newbie at the Mini-Mart looking like a wreck but feeling fine. He ain't the same tourist who arrived on Monday. No sir. He's loose and confident and knowledgeable. He ain't taking shit and he knows the score. His balls have finally dropped all the way and he is 100% man. After he's drilled every broad in sight he may even run for mayor of this hick town. Standing on the curb with two bags of breakfast goodies in his hand he reflects that maybe today would be a good day to just chill out a little bit. He ain't no fool and maybe this would be a good time to dig down in the maturity well and pace himself a little bit. Then he sees her. Coming across 2nd street and headed right for him. Tall, body swaying like a snake, hair to the waist, dressed fancy, and the sexiest most beautiful face he has ever laid eyes on. If you took all of the most beautiful women in Scotland and put them together and then multiplied by ten you wouldn't equal the sex and beauty in this goddess. Watching her walk towards him he knows he is not worthy. He just ain't man enough. But he is grateful for the gift of just seeing her. Sunday he will find a Catholic Church and renew his faith. There is a god. And god has smiled on him. Thirty minutes later in the hotel room when she pulls off her pants out pops a surprise. He's learning! Something else he won't be telling the boys back in rough tough Scotland.

Friday his friend arrives and they hook up in front of the fruits and vegetables market behind Big Mike's Shopping Center.

Expat: Well, how have you enjoyed Pattaya so far?
Newbie: God, I love this place.
Expat: How did you like the ocean and the boardwalk?
Newbie: What ocean? What boardwalk?

Stickman's thoughts:

Always a good read from Dana.