Readers' Submissions

The Mamasan From Hell

Not much has been written about the mamasans of Thailand, so hopefully this submission will open up the way for all the good, bad and ugly reports.

My first trip to Thailand and I was awash in self confidence and cocksure that I was the "Hansum man" all the young maidens of Siam had been dreaming about. I had "lost" my Thai virginity in Bangers (a few times actually) and now after tasting the delights in Pattaya and topped up with at least 10 Heinekens / Carlsberg / Singha / Chang etc I decided that I felt like trying something different. I had recovered nicely after a frenzied session with Dow 2 nights before that left me bruised ALL over, and with my beer goggles now firmly attached, decided that mamasan Na (Yes her real name, there are thousands) would be a challenge worth pursuing. Na was 34 years old and although the face wasn't the greatest, she seemed to still have a good body and her English was pretty good. She also mentioned a few times that she was a tiger in the sack which piqued my interest…Mmmmm.

I called Na over and she asked who I was interested in that night? When I told her it was her, all she said was OK and went off to speak to the cashier to arrange her barfine. This was 200 Baht more than the other girls, which she explained off as "mamasan extra!" Oh well, what the hell, my negotiated short time rate was surprisingly lower than I expected so things pretty much evened out. Na explained that she could not leave straight away as she still had to interview a new girl and run the bar for a while. Now Murphy with his filthy, ugly, pisses me off, why me why now, law came along in the form of the new girl! She was gorgeous, self assured and dressed in a dress made up of tiny gold plates that moved suggestively and shone, making her appear as a feminine El Dorado. Totally breath taking! Na must have heard the sound of my tongue, eyeballs and testicles hitting the floor at the same, because she came hurrying over and proceeded to interview (3 or 4 questions actually ) the Helen Of Pattaya right next to me!!

Now I was in a real predicament, because all my lavisious thoughts were honed in on the newbie and my hormones were screaming like locked on sidewinder missiles. The newbie was told she could start straight away, but do you think Na the bitch would move away and give me, the closest man to her, first bite of the cherry? No way! She could see the look in my eye and cemented, superglued, riveted, 9" nailed, herself next to me. A young Brit sitting a few metres away, took his never to be repeated chance and virtually dashed over to newbie and landed her with his first hello. Bastard! I decided then that I would take out my frustration and sense of loss on Na that night and was true to my word. However things were not what I expected them to be. Na would not shower with me and only when I finally saw her in the nick did I realise why?? Her belly was a horrendous puckered mass of scars and stretch marks, which made mini me and me wince inwardly. However Mini me was too fuelled up and surprisingly did not curl up and die as I thought he would, but did me proud as we punished Na for being so mean and insensitive earlier in the evening. Now the second thing that pissed me off, she had no staying power and was definitely not a tiger as she claimed. Short time suddenly became long time as she decided that she wanted to sleep over while my thoughts were to get back down to the bar and search for "Helen", even if it meant batting on a sticky wicket! Na was too wise for that though and saw through my plan.

The following morning she was as impossible to get rid of as my ex-wife's divorce attorney, and insisted on accompanying me on a visit to Nong Nooch gardens. My troubles really began that evening when I went back to the beer bar and suddenly found myself persona non gratia to all the other girls. No one would talk to me or even glance in my direction?? Finally one girl told me very secretly that I was now Na's man and that they were all terrified of her. Shit, I really enjoyed that particular bar and loved the house band who were very good. No way was Na going to get the best of me! Wrong…she came back on duty and promptly attached herself to me again while all the other girls scattered as far away as possible. The final straw was while I was talking to a Dutch guy and pouring out my tale of woe. He told me he had met Na on the way to work, and she had openly propositioned him in the soi. Great, here was my escape route while saving face. However things took a different turn when Na caught me eyeing out one of the other ladies. She sweetly asked if I liked younger ladies (18 +) and I said yes. Now I am sure that many of you readers have seen the same thing, that nanosecond when the brown eyes suddenly change into dark pits of loathing and hate and the face freezes into a mask of stone from which you expect a forked tongue to appear!! I really thought that she was going to attack me there and then, but after about 10 seconds of Calvin silence, she stormed off to her office. My problems never ended there as she proceeded to bad mouth me to everyone and eventually it even split the loyalty of the bar, as half sided with her and those that really despised her sided with me. In the end however, money talks, and as I was a good customer Na eventually came a cropper. I heard that she was asked to leave the bar a week after I left by the owners. Good riddance and it taught me to check out my options a lot more carefully.

Stickman's thoughts:

I can but laugh at this story.