Visit To England, Part 5, Month 4

A fabulous month has just passed, the first two weeks were fairly standard, and little of anything happened that would interest you lot. Language continues to be an issue, though she’s getting better and better.

We had a boating holiday with my children recently, which went very well. Flossy thought we were about to set sail around the British coast until she looked at our wonderful 36 foot river boat.

The Norfolk Broads are an outstanding area of natural wildlife in Britain – a broad is essentially a lake fed by a river, and the Norfolk Broads are a series of lakes fed off a series of rivers in the East of England. Were I more knowledgeable
on the wildlife of Britain I would love to spout forth about now telling you about coots, herons and the different species of ducks you can see there, however apart from these three, my interest in these feathered creatures is limited. But I can
say that if you are keen on water based wildlife, of the feathered kind, this is the place to head for, for a holiday of your dreams. Around every corner we spotted nesting this, and diving that. My two children had brought with them a friend
each, and the youngest of these was busy with her bird book and binoculars. Flossy took a keen interest for about 20 seconds, then took far more interest in driving the boat – cooking hot sausage sandwiches, and making the ship’s
captain mugs of hot sweet tea.

Of particular interest were her fishing skills. She insisted I put the largest hook in my tackle box (Those familiar with fishing will have seen a carp hook) on the line, and caught nothing all the first day. (She’d have starved in Thailand.) I
then put a tiny hook on, and she took to it like a duck to water. I pride myself in being a patient fellow, and a handy fisherman, but she was pulling fish from the water 2 for my 1.
When she caught anything, she insisted on putting
them in a bucket – I hadn’t bought any keep nets with me, so I would put the fish back, but she insisted the fish told their friends, and low and behold, the stretch she fished would yield shoals of fish far longer than mine.

Over a period of time, perhaps 2 or 3 hours, the oxygen level in the bucket would hit serious lows, and the fish would all start to float. The children would then busy themselves changing the water to “save the fish” This became quite a
ritual throughout the holiday.

Flossy would catch 30 or 40 small fish at a sitting, and we’d have a boat with the sink bowl full, a mop bucket full, and a bucket full of fish, and the children would race to the back of the boat fetching fresh water to revive the fish, and once
revived they’d play with them until they floated again.

The fish themselves mostly survived the ordeal, though I am in no doubt they would need counselling after, by Mummy fish or Daddy fish, as when they were returned to the water, Flossy took pleasure in hurling them up in the air 30 feet, so that they would
land as far away as possible from her patch of fish. She would loose her patience with me occasionally, as I would not let her keep any fish for cooking. That was until day 5 when she caught a rather large perch, which made fabulous eating. (Baked
in foil with butter – not my idea, she simply cooked it this way, and it was perfect).

The children thought it hysterically funny (Well, the youngest nearly fainted, as she is a keen animal lover) when Flossy first tried to de-scale the perch alive with a blunt knife (it doesn’t have scales), then gutted it alive. I told her to kill
it before either of these actions, but she left it until it was gutted, then simply held it by it’s tail, and smashed its scull against the kitchen drainer. This simply created a dent in the drainer, and a pool of sludge across the kitchen.
OH how we laughed!!

We visited country pubs along the way. My eldest is boy mad, and she would spend afternoons with her pal flirting with boys. The youngest and her friend would fish with Flossy, and I would busy myself with trips to the pub, and where there wasn’t
a pub, I would go on long walks across country to find them, and come back with crisps and junk food to in someway bribe everyone to let me do it again. Flossy and I walked, talked, hugged, and watched the world go by. It was a wonderful week,
and everyone gave it an 8 out of 10.

The eldest two said it would have been a ten if there had been more boys, the youngest if their mums had been with them too, and Flossy wanted us to have spent a little more time together, as she felt we were at the mercy of the children, which frankly
we were. (I don’t get a huge amount of time with my kids, so it was worthwhile spending this time with them, at their mercy or not.)

More recently still, we had a trip to a racing circuit – Brands Hatch – this is South East of London. A marvellous circuit, because you can see everything going on from several spots around the track. A pal of mine races vintage TZ Yamahas
and he asked us to come over and spend the day with him. It was quite a journey so we booked into a hotel the night before, and made a weekend of it. The hotel had a Caribbean evening, which made for some interesting food for us to sample. I’ve
had Creole food before, and cooked properly it can be quite nice, but I think this was amateur night, as the food was shit. Nevertheless, we had a good time. I tried to persuade Flossy to try the limbo dancing. She insisted I went too, and frankly,
my fat arse trying to bend the wrong way under a pole, would likely have resulted in a hernia of some sort, so we enjoyed watching others make fools of there selves.

We awoke early, and headed off to the track. Once again the Thai boredom threshold kicked in, and after about an 20 minutes she’d had enough of motorbikes and wanted to know what time we would be leaving. My pals last race was 6 PM, and it was
now around 9.30 AM– he hadn’t even had his first race. Add insult to injury, Flossy then bust the heel of her shoe (Deliberately??) and moaned like hell as I made her walk paddock to viewing platform and back after every race, however,
before things got worse, she suddenly found a fascination with “Mini Motos” – Look this up on the internet for a better picture. These are basically 50cc, or say 5 Horsepower or more miniature motorbikes, that can be ridden
at up to 100kmh – (If you're stupid enough) 18 inches above the ground, with your knees around head height.

The digital camera came out, and she was trying her best to hitch a ride on one around the paddock. Like my eldest daughter, she was surrounded by young lads who were keen for her to ride much more than the bike, and like I do with my eldest, I just hung
around and made it clear to all that I was her Dad, no that’s wrong, boyfriend. So she’d pose for a couple of camera shots, then move on to the next lad/bike until I had so many shots of a sexy Thai lady on a mini bike, I could have
started my own magazine.

She has since decided one of these should be her birthday present, and she wants me to ship it to Thailand so she can ride around her home town on it, know doubt being arrested on every corner, and or having 70,000 baht’s worth of bike confiscated
the moment it arrives. Nevertheless, it kept her happy, and along with various poses on my mates' bikes, I have a lovely bunch of pics for my album.

After a lunch break, we headed off to a small copse of trees, and sat in the shade watching a few races, until 4 PM she’d had enough. She didn’t actually say she’d had enough, but the play fighting, and nipple pinching, and bollock
grabbing started, so I new she was bored and ready to go. We said our farewells and believe it or not, she asked my pal when the next meeting was, as she’d like to go again!

What else is new? She’s given up school!

She claimed she had a bad teacher the week before our holiday, so didn’t want to go, then the holiday, and now she says she wants a holiday of her own. I gave in, which perhaps I shouldn’t have, but her English is improving, and she took
her schoolbooks with her on holiday, and still refers to them regularly, so I’m fine with it. I will say though, this is the 3rd lot of schooling she’s given up on, so I’m not going to organize it again for her, nor any other
kind of tuition. If she wants to be a beautician (She mentioned it a few times) she can pay for the schooling herself.

Overall, if I give her any choices – regardless of what they are, she will always take the lazy option. Are all Thais this lazy? I guess being a bargirl in the first place was a lazy option, so perhaps picking a bargirl as a girlfriend; you’re
picking someone naturally lazy. Then again, me picking her I guess was a lazy option! Looks like were well suited.

I’m getting a few mentions of the return trip now, and what she’s going to do when she gets back. She’s had a few tears as well. Mostly when she was pre menstrual, but nonetheless, she’s beginning to worry about going home.
I can see this is going to be tough, but we’ll get through. I have tried to play it down, especially because there’s two months to go, but its very apparent she’s enjoyed her time here, and going back and living on her own
again won’t be fun. (I’m looking forward to going back to my reading, and microwave meals “NOT”.)

Lastly, thank you for all the email advice on how to get Flossy to shit, (She was constipated in the last submission)

I have had many wonderful suggestions, in fact I am thinking of starting a web site on constipation – www. Bungedup.com then all those wonderful bits of advise (Except the one about doing her up the bottom – c’mon, please!) can be
pooled into one website for those that worry about such things.

For me, lets be frank, she eats chicken that she’s left out all day, she microwaves frozen chicken in 2 minutes, then fries it immediately, still hard. She boils eggs in the kettle, and freezes just about everything else not used immediately, then
rarely thaws it properly. She mixes fresh and frozen meat, and eats out of date yogurts (I tell her to throw them away??)

I’m not at all worried about a little bit of constipation; it’s just a time issue!

Till next time,

The Director.

Stickman’s thoughts:

Sounds like she is a typical upcountry Thai girl behaving as you would expect! Situation normal!