Readers' Submissions

Visit To England Part 3 – The First Month



Important note:

Part 2 of this went up a few weeks ago but there were some problems with it and the file became corrupted. You should read part 2, before you read this, part 3. The link to part 2 is here:

Visit To England, Part 2 – The Arrival

Stick

OK, firstly, I must thank all those well-wishers that have taken the time to email me, including the one that sent me a nice virus. It reminded me to update my virus protection, so thank you. Seriously, thank you to those that email. Some of the comments made by people already in long-term relationships in the UK have been really helpful. Not only that, but also many emails have said how hard a visit visa is to obtain, with even the most substantiated applications being refused. I didn’t realize, until now, how lucky we are.

I wasn’t sure how long to make this, or how to formalize it so it all pieced together, so I didn’t try, I’ve just thrown it all in to a heap for you to digest. If you’re looking to read something short and witty, don’t bother reading more. I’m trying to offer an insight into my life with my Thai girlfriend, and that’s all it is, my version of the events, so moving on…

Can I start by pointing out to you that my girl and I are not married. I mentioned she called me her husband in a previous submission – which she does, but we aren’t actually married, it’s just an affectionate term she has for me. That and woolan (spelt wrong, but translates as “baldy”), Fat Farang, and various others!

The first month is over, and in total including my holiday in Thailand we have spent 7 weeks together. The longest single period we’ve been together.

I was initially worried about the appearance of older man with younger woman walking around my town, selfish perhaps, but I’m trying to be honest with you. However, now we’ve been shopping, been to the pubs, been to a couple of parties etc, it doesn’t have any effect. I think British people are quite used to seeing this it seems, and I’ve had little or no reaction yet from people, or let's say, none that I have noticed yet. If anything it’s been me. Sometimes she’ll go to hold my hand, and I’ve felt awkward, so quickly let go, I feel guilty about that, as it seemed natural for her. Perhaps because my ex and I never held hands, or perhaps it was appearances? We’ll see with time. I hope she keeps trying, and I hope I can learn to enjoy this newfound affection.

She’s been flirted with, and chatted up, but I’m not the jealous type, so I let her get on with it. I will say though that if you are the jealous type, you may struggle with this. She is chatted up regularly, virtually every time we go out. I’ve even had people I thought were friends try to accost her, or say things like, “if it doesn’t work out with you two, perhaps she could stay with me” etc. I laugh this off, but I guess there are plenty of you out there that won’t be able to cope with this sort of thing.

There’s been a great deal of comment on Stick's site about young girls with older men, and I often see younger men looking at her, and she’ll see them looking, then look back at me and giggle. Perhaps if we were married, or she were here on a permanent basis, I’d worry, but again, I thought I’d mention it.

An Indian guy asked her to go out for a drink after their English lessons the other day. At the time she asked who else would be coming. He obviously said, only him. I explained to her that he wasn’t after a nice drink and her pleasant company, but something else, and she found it quite difficult to comprehend, and asked me several times what she should say. Of course, when she said she’d like her boyfriend to come along too, he dropped the subject. (I think looking back this was more a language issue, and the reason for not being able to say no, was more about finding the relevant words without upsetting the lad.) She’s had the same problem shopping on her own. She bought the wrong meat, and though it took some coaxing from her, it was because she couldn’t explain herself when the butcher offered her certain meats. It was easier to buy the lot, including some dreadfully tough steak, that was probably goat or horse or something, but not beef, (She’d binned the label) She came back with that sort of Thai giggle / not sure what I’d say look on her face. I laughed it off, especially when we tried to eat the steak, as it was as tough as old boots, whatever it was.

I’ve had to make some fundamental changes to her behavior, which hadn’t dawned on me before arriving home. Some of her behavior is similar to my 10 year olds, though my ten year old isn’t in the habit of grabbing my nuts every time my eyesight vaguely points in the direction of another woman. Nor does my ten year old flick my crutch whilst I’m walking around the supermarket. Nor does my ten year old grab my arse every time I bend over.

I must point out that this behavior existed before, only it didn’t seem to matter too much when I was in Thailand – I would tell her not to do it, but I’d experienced this before with bargirls, as had friends of mine, so it hadn’t occurred to me that it would become an issue. It was just some sort of bargirl thing. Sounds stupid I know, but much of her behavior that I put up with in Thailand, I couldn’t put up with in the England; we just don’t behave that way here. (I guess Sticks going to say, its not acceptable in Thailand either, I’ve got no excuses for that – but I’m sure he’s aware that these girls do this all the time?) So I had to make her understand quickly that this behavior wasn’t acceptable. After various conversations, I resorted to actions. During a trip to the supermarket when she flicked at my crotch, I turned round and flicked at hers. Much to her and several onlookers astonishment – she did the same a day or two later, so again I did the same (I felt so embarrassed, but I was certain she would learn quickly, which she did), she hasn’t attempted that stunt for the past 2 weeks.

Other things like her mood swings are very similar to my 10 year olds – they can both sulk at the slightest thing. You may have noticed Europe had a football competition on. (I’m not going to dwell on our disgraceful performance) A pal of mine asked me to stay with him overnight so we could have a drink and watch the football together, and when I suggested my girl could come along too, he said he really wanted a lads night, as he wanted to talk about his own separation, and some private stuff he didn’t want to discuss openly. I said I’d give it a miss for the moment, but my girl insisted I went. So I organized it, and she did nothing but sulk for 24 hours before, during and after the visit. She also called me about 20 times during the match, which not only drove me potty. (I could have turned my mobile off, but like as not, she would have turned up on my pal's door an hour or two later having walked the 16 miles to his house!), but I actually think that her constant interruptions, and that lack of attention from me, a minor though significant fan, put the England team off that night, so they lost!

Other parts of her youthful behavior are fun. I actually have to go to bed an hour before I want to sleep, just so we can muck around, before finally sleeping, and I don’t always mean sex. Think back to your teenage relationships, and the sort of fun and games you had in bed, I’ll elaborate no further.

Then she’ll launch herself onto my back for a piggy back, or jump into the supermarket trolley for a ride, or chuck cold water at me in the shower and much more. Much of this might drive you around the bend, but I love this youthful stuff. It's the stuff I’ve been missing before from my much more serious, grown up, proper persons relationship!

On balance the sulking, the willy flicking, the bedroom antics, and piggybacks etc, are all an age thing, and whilst the behavior can drive me potty, it’s mostly a lot of fun, and part of what I love about being with her.

So moving on, at the end of the first week she met my children for the first time – I have two girls – 10 & 13 (Nearly 11 and 14 they would have me tell you), both of who were very nervous, but nothing compared to the nerves my girlfriend had. On the day of the meeting she was feeling sick, and had an upset stomach. I had told my girls that they already ruled the roost, and my girlfriend was far more worried than they were. (Obviously I appreciated they would be worried, but I thought if I tell them my girlfriend was far more nervous, maybe they’d relax a little, which they did)

I kept the weekends events as normal as possible. On Friday night we hired a movie & ate junk food, which I always do the first night they stay. (My ex doesn’t allow this – haha) Saturday a walk and a picnic were planned, and Sunday my mother would do a roast dinner.

I gave my girlfriend strict instruction that we were not to hug or kiss in front of the children for now, (Piggy backs, and willy flicking was out too!) and I would pick the children up on my own to avoid any confrontation with my ex. Well, nothing eventful happened the whole weekend.

I knew the kids were getting on fine with my girlfriend when she persuaded them to out vote me on the Saturday walk, and get me to take them to a country pub instead. My girlfriend ate the Sunday roast at my Mum's, and actually said it was very nice (She ate everything, the beef, the roast potatoes, new potatoes, carrots, peas, sweetcorn, loved the cooked beetroot in a cheesy sauce, and the gravy), she even asked me why I hadn’t cooked it for her yet.

So the whole weekend went smoothly. My children told my ex they liked my girlfriend, and my ex even suggested my girlfriend could help out during the summer holidays with looking after the children while she worked! (Cheeky bitch) My mother said she was lovely, and my girlfriend enjoyed the whole weekend. What a relief all round.

Another thing concerning me is that my girl is very quiet, and doesn’t discuss her feelings with me. I have explained that anyone in a long-term relationship needs to talk, and share their feelings. Nevertheless, she is quiet, which is completely different to how she is in Thailand.

Get a drink inside her, and she livens up, but as I’ve deliberately kept drink away, she doesn’t get this opportunity too often. (I was worried she was virtually an alcoholic before, but since she’s been here, she’s been very happy to have a tipple on the weekends, and rarely mentions alcohol) I’ve worried about it, but basically whenever I ask her if she’s ok, or wants to talk, she smiles and says I’m fine. When I ask her if she’s happy here, she says she’s very happy. So I’ve stopped trying to figure this one out.

She told me she hadn’t seen anything of England, nor spent much time with me because of my work, so this past weekend we took the train to London (Bloody £84.00 for a day return (over 6,000 baht – I could have driven, stayed in the best car park in town, paid for fuel, in fact a London cabby could have picked us up for that much!).

We did The London Eye – a fabulous 145 metre Ferris wheel, and The Tower of London – she caught a glance of the biggest white diamond in the world, then went back to take another look a couple of times – then looked at her fake diamond ring, and laughed at me for being tight!

I’d like her to make a friend or two, but she’s already spurned the friendship of one of my pal’s wives, despite getting on well together when they meet. She doesn’t seem worried about not having friends. She told me she felt a little lonely one day, so I took a day off, and we went for a walk in the Cotswold’s, and had a nice lunch together. (Lucky my job allows me to do that)

I was talking to a pal on the phone the other day about how we were getting on, and he asked what she thought of my apartment, which opened up an interesting conversation, because some of the things I thought my girlfriend would be impressed with she’s completely NOT impressed with, and some of the things that I think are luxury she takes for granted. I’ll explain. I have a very nice apartment, in the best part of my town. It’s a beautiful old place, over a hundred years old, and has lots of character, loaded with nice furniture, and expensive electrical equipment, it’s also bloody expensive to live in. Were I to buy it (I rent), I’d have to pay £350,000 – that’s about 25m baht – or $640,000 US – she’s completely unimpressed by it – its simply a two bedroom apartment, a place to stay. “Its ok” in her words. My car, a top of the range Audi TT – “small car, why you want?” in her words! Food shopping she takes for granted – so I go to Waitrose, which is an expensive supermarket, but caters for a great deal of the food stuffs she likes to buy, and she will fill the shopping trolley up with Organic this, and Fresh Thai that, and doesn’t bat an eyelid at the £150 shopping bill (about 11,000 baht). I’m not complaining, but thought I’d mention this.

All my initial prime concerns about food, and warmth have come to nothing. Yes she’s cold from time to time, but she has warm clothes, and a heated apartment. Most towns in the UK seem to have Asian food outlets, and with the UK’s taste for the exotic, things like garlic and chillies, various vegetables are readily available. Even mail order, so those initial major issues were extinguished quickly. (Though I think the warmth issue will become more serious at the end of the summer)

She’s not struggled with food at all, and always seems to be able to rustle up something spicy when it looks to me as though we need to go shopping. She’s cooked some fabulous meals for me, though she admitted she had to ring a friend once to get a recipe. I’ve had some laughs over food too – she cooked some spaghetti in her rice cooker which was disgusting, and boiled eggs in my kettle, and forgot to take them out – nice cup of tea that was! And she put marmite (A yeast extract you either love or hate) in my ham sandwiches for lunch (I asked for pickle, but the description over the phone was the same as the marmite).

I thought money might be an issue for her, but having taken her shopping for clothes, and visiting both the cheap and expensive places, in order to see how she would react, she generally went for middle of the road priced clothes – I’m talking about Next for those of you that know this store, and Debbenhams – this is where we found the short leg, “Full” arse sizes she needed. Don’t get me wrong, she found some jeans at £120 (8700 baht) but when I told her the price she said “Oh my god” “199 baht in Thailand” laughed and left the shop (Good girl).

The only money issue I’ve had is she’d like to go home with some money in November – she wants a job. What she decided to do was offer an ironing service to some of the girls in my office, and bless her, she has been spending hours carefully ironing my employees clothes so she can tuck away a few pounds.

I’ve not had one mention about sending money home yet, only she wanted to try to earn and save as much as she can before returning – good for her.

As for generally having to make allowances for her – I’ve read this many times recently. The few modifications I’ve made have been painless. I generally try to show her a little more affection, simply for reassurance. We’ve shopped differently, and you’ll read through above, and know I am making allowances for now, but its not difficult. The only real issue has been how clingy she is – well that’s fine too. In time I’m sure she’ll feel more comfortable with her surroundings, so for now, I’m only mentioning it.

When we go out, she’s one of the lads and joins in as much as her language will allow. We went to a BBQ the other day, and the host was so drunk she ended up sat on the floor in the corner of the garden trying not to be sick. Without prompting my lady spent a few minutes looking after her, until someone pointed out that she needn’t bother, and she was best left to recover. My girl said that wasn’t what she did in Thailand, and continued her care, which everyone loved.

It’s the emotional level that’s causing me concern. Is she happy? – I believe so, but I’m not certain. Is she home sick? – Judging by only a few phone calls home, not too much. More importantly, are we happy as a couple? We’ve had one angry moment in a month; I started it, and deserved an ear bashing. Let’s just say it was connected to her past, and a stupid comment I made. I’ve learnt that if I’m going to let her past haunt me, this relationship isn’t going to last. I have history too, and two kids to show for it, let alone a deranged ex wife, so I’ll not say more.

Ask me how I feel, I have to answer, happy, but apprehensive as to what the future may hold.

I’ll keep you posted.

Stickman's thoughts:

Great stuff, great series! How one deals with this sulking is interesting though. That she called you a zillion times when the soccer was on is totally off. That would have driven me up the bloody wall!