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Mr. BiG

  • Written by Anonymous
  • July 28th, 2004
  • 12 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By The Oracle


(Names have been changed to protect the stupid)

Mr. BiG is one in a million, a man's man, this guy knows women, he is their master, they are slaves to his power and magnificent looks, his Adonis physique sends them into shivers as they contemplate bearing his love child in a night of steamy passion…

Ok, back to reality, Mr. Big is a middle aged balding Farang who hasn’t seen Mr. Willy for a good many years, and hasn’t used Mr. Willy for a good many years either! Mr. BiG has had a rough time, recently left on his own, a bit cash strapped but needing to get away from it all.

So Mr. BiG decides to go with a buddy who is returning to BKK, and have a month in the sun just relaxing and seeing a new culture. They arrive at Don Muang, whisk their way through immigration, Mr. BiG locks his brain away in the lockers provided, and off they go into the bright lights of the city of Angels…

It takes Mr. BiG a few days to adjust to the heat and jet lag, but by the 3rd night he is ready to venture out into wonderland and get Mr. Willy some action, the kind of action Mr. Willy hasn’t seen for almost 10 years!

Mr. BiG’s mate takes him to the local shopping centre called NANA, and they hit a ground floor bar. Now Mr. BiG is like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk, look at this, all these poor maidens just begging to be saved from their torrid life, he thinks he has to do something about this! His mate drags him out of the first bar after over an hour of oogling, and up the escalator they go, straight into the clutches of the vixens on the second floor. Poor Mr. BiG is dragged into the closest bar and accosted by all and sundry, while his mate sits down and chats to the only maiden under 35 in the place…

Mr. BiG decides that he has found his (insert Thai nickname here) for the night, a 36 yr old waitress who never worked bar before and only been here 5 minutes to visit a sick friend working as a cashier (how many times do we hear this? LOL) So Mr. BiG bar fines his new love and off he goes back to his little hotel for a night of passion.

3 Days later Mr. BiG telephones his buddy, all in a panic because he can’t finish the deed! Turns out they have been at it 3 days straight and the poor girl is physically worn out and beside her self with grief because this crazy farang has been banging her senseless for the last 72 hours and still hasn’t cum! Well eventually he wears all the calluses off Mr. Willy from those years of self inflicted pleasure, and he is once again a real mans man…

On the 4th day Mr. BiG proclaims undying love for his Lek / Noi / Nit / Nuut / Porn / Tuk and has decided she really must be an ex nurse down on her luck after her husband left her for another woman, and decides he is going to come back to BKK and marry her. He proceeds to spend his entire 5 week holiday in his hotel room, sending little Nuut off for food every day. He ventures out one afternoon to see a temple, so he has at least one set of photos to show the folks back home.

Mr. BiG gets back to Farangland and starts his nightly phone calls to little Nuut, speaking undying love to her while she just says “yes yes unnerstan dahling”, in between watching TV and eating somtam. After a few months Mr. BiG gets a phone bill of about 2 grand, and suddenly realizes the phone company lied to him about the call charges to Thailand!
He soon discovers phone cards and the nightly calls continue. The money also starts, 10K baht a month to start with, until about 3 months in when the stories start coming.

“Papa is going to lose his house dahling because bank want their money kaaaa I need 1 million dahling, you help me ok kaaaaaa, I suk you big big daahling when u cum back Bangcock kaaaaaaaaaa” Seems little Lek's English jumped a notch from the pigeon version she was sprouting 3 months ago! A lot of discussion with his buddy and Mr. BiG comes to the conclusion all is not quite right with this scene, he confronts his little Lek and she admits “it my family dahling, they make me ask u, I no want ask u big big money kaaaa, me velly solly, lub u too mut” Mr. BiG realizes she is truly one in a million, such an honest girl, so he sends her 100K baht for being so good and promises to come back soon.

12 months later and Mr. BiG is being screwed by his ex family, his siblings want a piece of the cash he got from selling his house etc, and devise some downright inhumane ways of getting it, forcing Mr. BiG into a corner where he gets stuck for another 12 months, unable to leave Farangland to be with his now very lucky Lek. The phone calls continue in earnest, and the money flows to the city of Angels, where an entire family live in luxury on his 20K average a month.

Mr. BiG’s bank roll is fast diminishing, what with his expensive short term accommodation, (due of course to having sold his house in preparation of flying straight to BKK to be with little Lek) and his leeching siblings, lawyer costs and such, he is fast approaching poverty again, over a year after visiting the LOS. You would think Mr. BiG would grow a brain and realize he has sent most of his nest egg to the LOS, where an entire tribe is living it up and partying every night while he sits in a communal lounge watching the cricket with the cream of society!

So we come to a miserable Tuesday afternoon, Mr. BiG is walking down to the local shops in the wind and rain, thinking of that phone call in a few hours where he can escape to his LOS paradise and again whisper sweet nothings into the ear of his lovely Thai Angel. While sheltering from the rain Mr. Big decides to buy himself some lottery tickets, what the hell, can’t get any worse can it?? Famous last words!

In a stroke of purely dumb luck, Mr. BiG hits the jackpot, and cashes in on a massive payout, in the vicinity of 60 million baht! Well this is one for the books; Mr. BiG is once again, Mr. BIG! Suddenly all problems are solved. Friends? Who needs 'em, go get new ones! Make sure they are the biggest leeches society has to offer and shower them with money! They love me, I am wonderful, women fall at my feet, I am having more sex than I had when I was 20! Who wants a car? Let's just buy one for every woman that sits on my lap, they are cheap, I have 60 mil!

Mr. BiG rushes to tell lucky Lek of the new fortune awaiting her, she is ecstatic, you see as far as she is concerned, its her money, he is just holding it for her, this is Thai logic at its most priceless, and a lesson for all you idiots out there who put up with your Thai woman telling you what you can and cannot buy for yourself, yet heap praise on you when you spend your hard earned cash on them or their families, WAKE UP U DOLTS!

So Mr. BiG rushes out to buy lots of new toys, throwing cash around like its going out of style, and then proceeds to send enough cash to the LOS to build a house in BKK for himself and lucky Lek. Try 5 million baht guys, can any of you beat that?? And that’s just the start! Mr. BiG has another year to go before he gets to see his Angel, it takes him 12 months to get through all his local hassles and by this time the massive fortune has dwindled to a third its original size.

During this first 12 months, many attempts at getting a visa for his angel are thwarted, no matter how much money she has in the bank! (she is looking more and more like a Khun Ying as each day passes).

Mr. BiG starts to run out of money again, well I mean its been 12 months since winning 60 million baht, you know 60 mil just doesn’t go that far these days with the high cost of living etc, never mind the families living on 900 thousand a year in Farangland and getting by, Mr. BiG is flying with the big boys now and 900 thousand baht is only good for a month or two…

Mr. BiG’s troubles back home are finally over, he has handed out a little cash, and got off lightly, and now are planning the big return. So Mr. BiG can finally return to the LOS, he takes a look in his coin bag, WTF!? Where is all my money? Damn almost enough for a plane ticket! So off he goes to sell all his wonderful toys and scrape together 3 or 4 million baht for the trip HOME. (Damn lucky the banks advisors managed to lock a few million baht up for him before he spent it all).

Of course he has to send some cash over before he leaves, “is 500K enough dahling? Oh yes dahling I am sure I can manage for a week on that, khop khun kaaaaaaa”…

Mr. Big arrives in the LOS to be greeted by his lovely Thai Maiden, (who hates Mr. BiG’s mate who told him all about the wicked Thai girls and how a nice girl should act) and is whisked away by her “brother” the man with the hundred tattoos, must be an investment banker or government office worker for sure, he is such a nice well dressed individual…

So starts Mr. BiG’s 6 week reprieve in the LOS, in the house that jack built, sitting watching UBC on his Thai maidens 140 cm rear projection TV, next to her ageing decrepit father, while her sisters buzz around cooking and feeding both his gut and his ego. It's been a couple of years since he saw his Thai maiden, lots to catch up on, seems all the family wants to meet the saviour of Isaan and see if he isn’t good for a couple Mil more!

Of course Mr. BiG’s love needs cash for some of the normal things Thai people buy every day, a hundred thou here, couple hundred thou there, nothing out of the ordinary. Mr. BiG is lucky he can access the ATM and just keep withdrawing money, it comes in handy when you need to pay for the buffalos sex change operation or the katoey cousins penis extension so he can turn more tricks down at Patpong 2.

So Mr. BiG is slowly bled dry on intravenous drip, oblivious to the outside world, immersed in his pigeon English and ever increasing intolerance from his Angel, who doesn’t like to hear him talking coz English annoys her, choosing to blare Thai pop out on the radio coz its more soothing.. I mean come on guys, when your supposed Thai darling turns and walks away form you to sit and natter with her friends because she cant stand speaking English, doesn’t something click in that tiny bit of brain you have left??

Mr. BiG starts to buy some things for the house, a stereo to go with the TV, some odd electronics, of course after this starts the fighting starts, you see if you scroll back you will see where I warned you DOLTS, about your money being THEIR MONEY, and she is starting to go ape shit over him buying things for himself, yet its all sweetness and light when he buys something for the family…(insert vomit sounds here)

Mr. BiG eventually gets his angel a visa to visit Farangland, in fact it was the easiest thing Mr. BiG has ever done, in and out of the embassy in record time, his mate wondering how the hell he had managed that after 2 years of denials! So they plan the big trip. Of course before we go we need to show papa that we are seriously in lub and intend to marry, we need to buy papa a gold chain so big he needs a crane to lift his arm dahling, to show how much we love him… 10 baht enough? Yes dahling is ok.

Mr. BiG is having trouble packing his bags, because his Angel needs to pack the kitchen sink in her suitcase along with every piece of clothing she owns. Mr. BiG arrives at the airport with over 70 kilos of luggage, too much? How come? I thought everyone could just carry whatever they wanted… 30 mins later and they are checked in, the final nail in the coffin, 10 thousand baht for 20 extra kilos of female shite, most of it unneeded.

This was going to be the end of Mr. BiG’s story so far, a tale of never ending stupidity, one for the record books, can anyone beat 10 Million baht in 2 years? But alas some updates have just come in from Farangland, so we must continue with this sad tale…

Mr. BiG has been trying to integrate his Thai angel into society, I mean its been 5 days, come on daaahling why u don’t want to eat farang food every day and sit watching TV every night in front of the heater?? She looks at him through her woolen hat, woolen mitts and heavy Eskimo arctic jacket and bursts into tears for the 3rd time today. She is the epitome of the Thai actress, a veritable genius, hats off to this woman, she has played the game flawlessly, right to the end, never a blink, and Mr. BiG has been oblivious to everything around him from the day he walked into NANA.

The final insult is when Mr. BiG tells his mate; ‘If she could work out how to get a taxi she would be at the airport tomorrow…..



Stickman’s thoughts:

Sometimes we hear about or read stories that seem a little far fetched, and we wonder if they are true. Well, let me state for the record that I know some of the people in this story and it really is true!