Readers' Submissions

Love Like Blood

  • Written by Flummoxed
  • June 28th, 2004
  • 46 min read

The following isn’t like my usual structured submission. It was written in stages over months as the thoughts came to mind and as the events happened. I considered re-writing it but have decided to leave it as it is. It’s a little clumsy and confused at times, so I’m sorry for that. Also in this submission, I have some unkind words for Americans… Please note that as an Englishman, I consider some of the worst people overseas to be the British. I say this so I don’t get an inbox full of hate mail from Americans.

You may also baulk at the breathtaking hypocrisy I exhibit in this article. I assure you that my infidelity and actions of the past few months are of great concern to me.

Unlike Dana, who writes quality fiction, all of my articles are an honest and frank account of my life in Thailand.

Flummoxed


I used to say that you’re as safe in Bangkok as any world city. I take it back. As far as muggings, robbery etc are concerned, I’ve never felt safer… I’m talking about things quite different now.

I had my first experience of Thai electrical standards the other day. I really am lucky to be alive I think. I’m not referring to some grotty guesthouse in Pattaya or some cheap ass hotel in hippy town, oh no. I was staying in a four star establishment on Thanon Petchaburi. The air-conditioning unit developed a fault and was leaking water copiously down the walls, over the controls and light switch and saturating the carpet. It was the middle of the night and I was answering a call of nature. Standing completely naked, wondering why the carpet was so wet (To those who don’t have an understanding of electrical systems and Thai earthing methods (none) my body became the earth rod for the hotels electrical system) I fumbled for the light switch to throw some light on the situation. The last thing I remember was going numb down the right side of my body and a strange sensation of flying without wings. I had a few choice words for the hotel manager the next day.

Because of my girlfriend's indiscretion and my discovery that she’d been keeping another guy in the UK behind my back, I was determined to do something to make me feel better about the whole debacle. When in BKK, I was hell bent on fucking a hooker, for all the wrong reasons. I spent 3 days there a few months ago for various reasons and I had a different lady every night. I foolishly thought it would help me forget about it, even though I had already forgiven her in favour of giving her a second chance. On the third night, I wanted to sleep alone but I nonetheless found myself in Cowboy drinking myself silly. A young woman of 18 immediately attached herself to me like a limpet mine. She was in her civilian clothing so I assumed she’d already been barfined and was trying for a second shot. I explained to her that I was just out for a few drinks and wasn’t keen on stirring someone else’s porridge anyway. She retorted that she had had no customer that evening and was new to the bar hence was just trying things out. She was a nutcase, clearly off the rails and pretty drunk herself. I like the shy types but I really didn’t give a shit about anything that night. I barfined her. She insisted on fucking me without a condom. Red alert claxons immediately started sounding in my inebriated mind. ‘Are you crazy’, I exclaimed. I should have kicked her out there and then…but I went ahead and fucked her anyway, complete with condom, much to her annoyance. She was dynamite in bed, rough and bordering on violent. The condom broke. I withdrew immediately and ran to scrub my appendage. I checked out of the hotel a few hours later and left BKK for Surin immediately. I had to get out of BKK before it killed me.

About a week later, multiple lesions started appearing on my penis. The panic I felt was palpable. I went to the nearest doctor. He told me it was probably herpes and not to worry too much as it would clear up in a few days…but he suggested I consider testing for HIV. My spirits took a nosedive. The punishment for my folly in BKK was a dose of herpes and goodness knows what else…and three months of terror while I waited for the HIV all clear.

It’s a terrible thing thinking you may have been exposed to HIV and in seeking information about the disease. I have been amazed at how hard it is to find reliable advice on the subject in Thailand. Obviously, the best thing is not to put yourself at risk in the first place…but in doing so, you might as well chop off your todger. It also amazes me how little most of us understand about HIV as well. I think it a good idea to write, for your benefit, everything I have learned in the last few weeks of my panic.

After you have been exposed to the disease and it has entered your system, that’s it, you have the virus but for some strange reason, the medical profession don’t consider you to be HIV positive until your body has developed the HIV antibody, anything up to 3 months later. Don’t ask me why this is, it’s just the way they do things.

Obviously, you are an immediate risk to others you may sleep with, even before you have developed a detectable level of antibodies. In fact, it is during the first few weeks of infection that you are at the highest risk of infecting others. The amount of the virus in your body at this time is very large. Many people will develop a terrible flu like condition for a while. Some may lose weight. All kinds of opportunistic illnesses may make you sick during the first few weeks. Crucially however, many people don’t get sick at all during the initial infection and have no idea they may have HIV. Shortly after, your body will develop the antibody to the virus and reduce it to an almost undetectable level…but your body is unable to get rid of it altogether…here starts the often long incubation period. I think most people know the rest of the story but I want to tell you how crucial it is to find out during the first few weeks that you have the virus. Not only will you take yourself out of the loop and not be a risk to others, it seems that they key to your longevity may be it’s early detection and administration of combination drug therapy. I don’t profess to have a deep knowledge of this but if you can get the drugs administered soon after infection, the virus can be reduced to undetectable levels before it has the chance to diversify itself within your body. Unfortunately, this should not be seen as a cure or a blueprint for eradication of the disease because the human body has a number of ‘safe havens’ for the virus, such as the central nervous system and the lymphatic network, where anti-viral drugs are unable to penetrate in sufficient quantities to eradicate it. Eventually, the virus will bounce back and you’ll be in big trouble.

Detection is either by a blood screen which detects the antibodies…or by a viral count, that is to say directly detecting the virus. A viral count can be done almost immediately after infection but if it is negative, you can only be 80 or 90 percent sure you are clear, if it is positive it is 100 percent accurate. A blood screen however, may take up to 3 months to detect the antibody (although my doctor in BKK assures me that 6 weeks is usually sufficient) and may occasionally show a false positive.

If you have the virus, your only real hope at the moment is early detection and a quick blast of anti-virals…and very very rarely, some people will never actually develop AIDS. These fortunate few are known as ‘Non-progressors’ but they are rare indeed.

At this time, not everyone who has the HIV virus has gone on to develop full blown Aids…. but time has shown that the vast majority do. It’s a long, painful and horrific death with all manner of bodily complications. In the twenty odd years that HIV has been known to science, no cure has been found. Don’t hold out any hope that one will be found any time soon. For goodness sake, learn from my scary experience and be careful.

I have now tested negative for HIV.



I’m now upcountry in Northern Surin with my girlfriend. Rural in the extreme. I think I’m adapting well to life in the village but it’s not without its hiccups and indeed it requires strength of character to stick it out sometimes.

I can assure you that, despite the fact that these people are piss poor, they have far happier lives than even the most highly paid executives in the city of London. They don’t expect too much out of life and so enjoy what they have far more than we do. I could talk volumes about this but you’d just have to experience life here for yourself to really understand it. It’s taking me ages to adjust, my mindset is just too conditioned to the rat race back home. I can’t seem to slow down and stop worrying about things.

When I consider the trappings of UK life and the things money can buy back home, the expensive toys, my computer blah blah blah, the best fun I’ve had for as long as I can remember is using the simple sling shot my girl's father made for me. Hour upon hour I’ve spent playing with the kids in the village shooting tin cans with this simplest of toys. Indeed, I have now fashioned my own version of this rudimentary weapon. Using my knowledge of physics, I have developed this device to a point where it is powerful enough to put a small stone into a low Earth orbit. Joking aside, these weapons, when in the right hands, can be quite powerful. Mine will take a couple of inches of bark off a tree at 30 paces. I’m now part of the village hunting clan. Myself and a few of the local men will walk for hours in the woods and kill lizards for food with our bespoke slingshots. They nod approvingly when trying out the refinements I have made to my own slingshot and mumble amongst each other about it. They assure me, that when I have gained more experience, they will allow me to use the higher calibre pebbles…the heavy artillery!!! The words they mutter I cannot understand, which brings me to my next subject, language. If you think learning Thai will help you in this part of the world, think again. Even though many of the folk here speak some Thai, many don’t. You will hear a mixture of Laos / Khmer / Martian. They might as well be communicating in zeroes and ones. I asked my laptop to help but if it had shoulders, it’d be shrugging them. You’ll be starting all over again with your language skills.

I can also confirm that the ‘Fuck you lizard’ does indeed exist in Isaan. Every night I will lay awake in the sultry heat listening to that foul-mouthed creature sing ‘fuck you, fuck you’ all night. Armed with my new slingshot, slowly but surely, I draw my plans against it. All I require are some night vision goggles and that insulting little reptile is history.

My girl's sister works in a Bangkok restaurant but is at home at this time…so my diet is the best it’s been for years. I’m adapting well to the excellent village menu and only occasionally will make a trip to the oasis that is the Thong Tarin Hotel for an English breakfast. Ordering is sometimes troublesome however…

Me: – I’d like an English breakfast please.

Waiter: – Erm, oh yes sir! American breakfast.

Me: – No, an English breakfast.

Waiter: – No problem sir, I make you American breakfast.

Me: – NO!!! An ENGLISH breakfast please.

Waiter: – Sir, American brea…

Me: – Oh just give me an American breakfast.

(Cent, I blame you for this problem).

It may be some time before this article gets posted. I’ve not yet obtained that holiest of Holy Grails of the Isaan dwelling farang……..the internet connection. My all singing, all dancing, high spec’ laptop computer sits in the corner feeling about as useful as an old house brick. I have the option of connecting through the cellphone network but it’s astronomically expensive and I have to go several miles down the road to get a signal strong enough for data transfer. I thought about trying to construct a rudimentary satellite dish with a dustbin lid but this new hardware wouldn’t install on my computer….it was an act of desperation anyway.

On a more serious note, my Isaan….nay, Thailand experience, is being badly tainted by the ever present requests for money from the Thais. I’ve spent years in Thailand and should be used to this phenomenon by now. However, personal problems back home and something of a financial crisis in my life at this time are making me especially sensitive about money. The requests for money just never seem to end. Just the other day, a monk in the local Wat spoke to my girl who asked that I give him what was a very large amount of money to repair the onsite crematorium. What do you do in situations like this? Politely refuse and cause loss of face to your girlfriend and appear to be a cheap Charlie, or pay up and hope that that will be the end of it? The requests for money are everywhere, even from complete strangers in bars who ask for a few hundred baht. I’m getting really sick to death of it and I’m beginning to lose my cool. The pot boiled over the other day when my girlfriend asked for 40 baht to buy some whisky. No problem, I thought, it’s only 40 baht. I gave it to her and went to play with the kids but as I walked away something told me to turn around (I’ve always trusted my instincts, as they have proved to be most reliable). I turned discretely to look from the corner of my eye to see her carefully handing this 40 baht to a local man in his twenties. Now I’ve had my suspicions about the nature her relationship with this guy for some time. That’s an ongoing investigation that isn’t bearing fruit yet but if there’s anything I should know….I will know with time. (At the time of posting, I have discovered nothing and decided it was paranoia)

My blood boiled over. I continued walking, as I had in a split second, decided it would be better to address this issue later when we were alone…..but I couldn’t keep my cool. A few minutes later she came to join me and the kids as we mercilessly dispatched lizards with our sling shots. Sensing my foul mood, she asked what was wrong. I said ‘What do you want now!!! More money to give your boyfriend?!?!’….and stormed off with my WLD (Weapon of Lizard Destruction). Later, she attempted to explain to me that in a small village like this, everyone is considered to be an Uncle / Aunt / Brother….family and that they just wanted to drink some Whisky…..’Not on my Dollar!’ I barked. ‘I have no problem with supporting you and your children but if your boyfriend and his fucking father want to get drunk, tell them to get a fucking job and buy their own fucking crazy water!!!!’

Words cannot describe how angry this made me. It was only 40 baht but it might as well have been 40,000 baht.

I’ve tried hard to make her understand that Westerners are not banking organisations…and indeed she has tried hard to understand this but now I know that their thinking is just too different from mine. I know she feels just awful about this incident…but the Mai bpen rai attitude is all encompassing and she feels the incident is now forgotten about.

I think the most embarrassing incident in my life happened that evening. I proceeded to buy a load of beer in an attempt to show that I’m not keeniaow and drank myself into a stupor with her Father and his friends (amazing how many friends he has when there’s free beer to be had). Now, if you’re honest, you will admit that at some point in your life you’ve had too much to drink and during the night gone to the toilet in the wardrobe….go on, admit it, we’ve all done it at some point. Well, that evening, I got out of bed and in my drunken state and relieved myself at the end of the bed. My urine filtered through the floorboards and rained down onto her Mother and Father while they slept. It was a long time before I could find the courage to face them again. I think and I hope that they just laughed it off. Crazy Farang. <BrilliantStick>

One thing that has amazed me is something that happened just an hour after I arrived here for the first time. Of course, everyone in the village turned up to meet the Farang when I arrived but the village chief, who seems to be very wise and sage-like, wanted to read the palms of my hands. Now, I don’t believe in all that mumbo jumbo but the accuracy with which he described my life was breathtaking. He didn’t attempt to tell my future or anything like that, just describe my life as it is right now with unbelievable accuracy and detail, right down to my bank balance. I was amazed. I still haven’t worked out how he did it. I can only conclude that he has some special ability that modern science has no answer for. Like Arthur C. Clarke once said, there is no such thing as magic, only science we don’t yet understand.

Errors in communication can have a profound effect on your life. My girl announced to me that her Mother had consulted the calendar, done some mumbo jumbo stuff and thought that Wednesday would be a good day for us to get engaged. I was a bit surprised by this as her parents barely knew me, but I thought ‘what the heck’, it’s not an irreversible decision. I asked her to explain what this would involve. She said it is a small ceremony to let the dead relatives know that we are together and may one day be husband and wife, a kind of good luck ceremony, sort of an engagement party but for the Isaan folk, significantly it is for the dead relatives (apparently). She went on to explain that food will be made, water poured, family friends to be present…..and……..and……and…..40,000 baht to be placed in a vase during the ceremony. I asked what would happen to this money after the engagement ceremony. She said ‘Give for Famiry’. I kept my cool and asked, ‘will this be considered to be the Sin Sodt?’ She replied ‘No’ and this would, apparently, be a separate transaction if we married…

I told her I would pack my bags and leave for Bangkok that evening.

I have never heard of anyone paying to get engaged before. I have explained to her that I didn’t, as a Westerner, accept the principal of the dowry but being one to compromise and understand that her and her family need to gain face, I would happily pay a reasonable dowry should we marry. However, I left her in no doubt that paying a further 40,000 baht just to get engaged was never going to happen….that I considered it to be extortion and that if she wanted some dipshit Farang to milk as much cash from for her family as she could, that she could get her ass straight back to the bar where I found her and find some other sucker because I was hitting the road that night.

Later, she explained that the 40,000 would be returned to me after the ceremony and it was only an option to give it to the family. It was to be placed in the vase to show the dead relatives that I can support my wife to be…..just to show them I have money……I asked what would happen if I refused to partake in this preposterous charade. Her answer…..’I make many sacrifice for my famiry already. Now I don’t care what I have to do stay with you. Up to them what they say’….. my girl will probably never realise how close she came to losing me forever, just by omitting to tell me this. Like I said, errors in communication are to be avoided at all costs.

I’ve never seen so many black teeth. All of the old women have a complete set of ‘black as de hat’ teeth, hardened and tempered by decades of beetle nut abuse. I swear those ebony teeth could loosen the nuts on an Isuzu diesel exhaust manifold. Remarkable!
These people age so quickly! I would have put her Father at around 65 but I learnt that he is a mere 47!!!!!! No doubt aged by a life of toil in the fields. Poor bugger.

I wish to add to the debate about how much money is required to support an (ex) bargirl. I send my girl 10,000 baht a month. I consider this to be MORE than enough for her and her children. Her entire family only spend around this much every month.

Whether or not one should send bargirls money is a very contentious issue. My girl was a superstar in her Hua Hin bar. She candidly says she had at least 5 generous customers a week. She was easily pulling down 50,000 baht a month. She left the bar scene for me (verifiably, I assure you) and has effectively taken a cut of 40,000 a month. She is happy with 10,000 a month. I am the last of a long line of marriage proposals for her, some of which were from handsome and wealthy men. When I asked her why she turned them down, she answers ‘I not have love for them, why I have to marry them’. I have become convinced of the sincerity of her feelings for me. The vast majority of hookers in Thailand are in the industry because of pressure from family and have children to support from asshole Thai men who run a mile when they smell kids coming. Some of them are mentally traumatised by the industry and often traumatised more by the fact that their parents encourage them into the job. If you decide to take one as your lover and expect them to leave the bar scene, you should expect to make a contribution to their upkeep. It has taken me a long time to come to this conclusion but I believe it to be correct. You cannot ask them to give up their income, go home to a place where they cannot find work…and then complain when they ask you for money…think about it.

Much as I like Stickman, I will now respectfully criticise him for something. He has often made an point of telling people that it is madness to send a bargirl money, yet I read his column a few weeks ago wherein he spoke of an Australian man who refused to send his girl in Thailand money. She ended up turning tricks again to support herself. Stick addressed this guy, if I remember correctly, saying he really ought to be sending a bit of cash for her. Stick, like many people, including myself until now, sometimes has trouble reconciling his principles with what he really believes. If a girl is clearly taking the piss, then of course don’t send money…but if you find one of those elusive diamonds in the rough, then do what you have to do…take care of her.

I might also make the point that some of these girls very much enjoy the life they have chosen in the bar scene, particularly if they work in one of the resort locations. Some of them lead very good lives indeed. Some might describe it as a ‘Jet set’ lifestyle. Not only do they reside in exotic locations, if the customer likes them a lot, he might take them on holiday with him to all manner of places, pay everything for her, including flights. I will also add that if the girl doesn’t like the customer, there is nothing stopping her from refusing him with an excuse like ‘It my period’. The girls get to choose their customers. In a place like Samui, for example, it’s full of young, moneyed and handsome guys. The girls there are having a ball I can assure you (no pun intended). Don’t go there if you’re fat and old…you haven’t got a chance.

I know some of you read all of my submissions. You probably wonder who we are. I’ll make a risky move now and give you a clue. If you were in Soi Cowboy at the beginning of May and you just happened to be in Cowboy 2 bar at the end of this particular evening, you will have seen my girl and me. We’d met up with a friend of mine and wound up in the Soi for a few drinks. Now, I love to see my girl dance, she’s a real mover and sexy as fuck. Just for a laugh, I asked the mamasan if it was OK for my girl to get up on the bar and dance. The mamasan thought it was a splendid idea. The right tune came on and with a bit of encouragement, my girl got up there and started spinning around that pole. It was a sight to behold. It was comical to see the gogo dancers, who had previously just been shifting their weight from one foot to the other, suddenly burst into life, determined not to be outdone by my girlfriend. They didn’t have a chance. She’s the sexiest thing Cowboy has seen in years. I must admit, I was a little worried she was enjoying herself too much…but it kinda got me horny seeing her up there, every Farang eye on my little half Thai, half Cambodian babe…and then they watched her sit back down with me…Excellent.
So were you in that bar that night, I wonder…



THE KHON KAEN SUB-PLOT

I was recently invited to a house warming in Khon Kaen. During my visit I was introduced to a Thai woman in her early thirties. In fact, this meeting had been in the pipeline for quite some time. My friend was keen to have me meet this woman, who had never worked the bars and is as shy as they come. However, she had indeed requested his assistance in finding her a Western husband. She had previously been married to some asshole American who, it turns out, had several other wives in Thailand. She has a lovely young daughter from this marriage however the American father makes little or no contribution to her upbringing.

This lady has 5 other sisters (one of whom is a twin sister (and if you saw some handsome guy dressed in black and looking like a million dollars with twin sisters on each arm in the bars of Khon Kaen a month or two ago, it was probably me;-)).

I had a week to kill, so I suggested we go to Laos for a few days, as I had never been. My friend warned me of many scams in Vientiane. In my experience of Laos, the rip off’s stopped when I entered Laos and re-started when I returned to Thailand a few days later. Not once was I ripped off in Laos…not once.

I think Vientiane is the most pleasant capitol city I have ever visited, an absolutely lovely place. I managed to seek out what I think was the only discotheque in this city, the name of which evades me now. In a strange way, this nightclub reminded me of the clubs in Wan Chai (Hong Kong) in the décor and atmosphere, also the fact that it was wall to wall with working girls and almost no customers. A strange atmosphere here though, a handful of NGO workers and a sprinkling of visa runners….and that’s about it. If anyone’s interested, my saamlaw driver reliably informed me that the price of a lady here is much the same as it is in BKK. Be warned however that stories abound of the Laos police raiding your hotel room and forcing you to pay a huge fine for taking a lady to your room. (In the order of thousands of US Dollars). It is of course pre-arranged between the police and the lady, who takes 50 percent of the money.

I spent a lovely week with the lovely lady that I’d been introduced to in Khon Kaen.

However…

As I mentioned, she has many sisters. All of the ones I met are married to Farangs…All of them!!! (I think most of them procured their husband in a bar.) When I visited the family home (a large house nearby, paid for by an Australian husband of one of the sisters) everything smelt of Farang money. Even the car she was driving was a very nice late model German Automobile (paid for by Mr Farang of course). I couldn’t help thinking that it was the most systematic and thorough bagging of the Western wallet that I had ever witnessed. They were ALL married to Farangs, (except one who had divorced)…. and here was I, the Farang that she had requested from my friend. The upside…. If I was to take this woman as my wife, I could be 1000000000 percent sure of her loyalty and fidelity. She’s the sweetest and most innocent thing you ever did meet. I believe she became fond of me during my visit but I swear that any old Farang would have done.

I know what I write here is going to piss my friend off no end.

Within 10 minutes of arriving at the family home, I was already cornered into taking the whole fucking family out to dinner. I wasn’t that bothered but it was so obviously a test of my wallet and my willingness to open it. They are lovely people, but career Farang wives. That’s all I have to say on the matter at this time.

SPEAKING OF AMERICANS!!!!

Are you American? Are you middle aged? Did you get a girl pregnant in Thailand around two and a half years ago? …. If you can answer YES to all 3 questions, perhaps you should read this carefully.

Lets get one thing straight. People who fuck prostitutes without a condom are assholes. People who make a prostitute fall in love with them, get them pregnant and then disappear into thin air when they smell a baby coming…well, what can I say, your pond life, aren’t you (particularly if you're American (I hasten to add that in my experience, it’s almost always Americans who are guilty of this)). I’m talking recent history here and not referring to the legacy of the Indo-Chinese wars in which American soldiers left their genetic mark. I’m talking about countless women left with a half cast child that some businessman or holidaymaker fathered. My Surin girlfriend is one of those victims. I’ve spoken of this in a previous submission but things have developed further.

As I understand it, there are mechanisms in place between the Thai authorities and the American legal system to force maintenance payments from American citizens who have disappeared. My girl was unaware of this. To fill you in, the last time she saw him, he was heading off to work for a couple of months. He promised to return and promised to take care of her. She never heard from him again. That was 2 years ago. Whatever the circumstances of their relationship, I believe that if you are stupid and irresponsible enough to sew you genetic fingerprint without regard for the future consequences, you have a responsibility to that woman and your child to make some kind of contribution…be that as a Father or by financial means.

If you are that man, your son is beautiful (if a little overweight, he is half American after all). You are a coward for running away as you did….and know this…I’M ONTO YOU. With the information I have about you already, I think I can trace you within weeks. With my assistance, my girl and her son will take every legal measure to ensure you make some kind of contribution to his upbringing……you piece of shit.

Maybe you should start thinking about how your going to explain it to your wife in America.

PINK FLOYD

I have a huge selection of Isaan and Mawlem music vids on my computer, which goes down a treat with the village folk where my girl lives. Nearly every night my laptop will end up outside, get hooked up to an amp and a few beers will be broken open. One particular evening, I got a bit bored of the local croonings so I put a random selection of my favourite music. One of them was an old Pink Floyd track. My girls eyes lit up. ‘You like Pink Floyd!’ she exclaimed. ‘Of course!’ I retorted. I can’t believe she’s into Pink Floyd. I’m chuffed to bits about that. She indeed has fine taste in music.

I’ve had far too many bar girl one nighters in my time. It is getting to the point where I am getting nothing out of sex. It’s just too easy in this part of the world. My girl is so hot and I’m so infatuated by her…..a few years ago, I might have been making love to her several times a day had I known her then….but now my libido just doesn’t seem up to it. I guess sex has become a bit boring for me. The only way I can get real excitement at this time is a risky encounter with a bar girl. I so wish I could be loyal to my girlfriend but I’ve been cheated on so many times by previous partners, I just keep saying ‘Fuck it!’….but even then, with a hooker, I don’t really get anything out of it.

………When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone,
I cannot put my finger on it now,
The child is grown, the dream is gone
I have become, comfortably numb…

(Taken from ‘Comfortably Numb’ by Pink Floyd (The Wall))

Of course, that classic old song is about Heroin abuse but you can make what you will with a song. For me, my drug of choice is East Asian prostitutes and I’m ashamed of it. I wish I could stop, I would enjoy being loyal to my girl if she indeed really is loyal to me. Not only that, I believe I would enjoy sex much more again. I have written many times that there is so much more to enjoy in East Asia than the readily available hookers, so why can’t I live by my own words. I’ve got to stop before it changes me forever. At this time, I have indeed become, comfortably numb.

How can I expect my girl to be loyal to me while I shag whatever takes my fancy in the bars…

I have become just the sort of guy that I despise…the whoremonger.

Despite the huge amount of Westerners that take bargirls as wives or girlfriends, as you know only a handful make a successful relationship out of it. The well known reasons for failure are obvious……infidelity, money concerns, the stigma of an ex-prostitute as a wife…..but not to be overlooked is the guys own inability to forget about her past. I’ve struggled endlessly with coming to terms with her past, even though I assure her it is not a problem for me. The jealousy manifests itself in all manner of ways…..the sexual fantasies that a man has, that she has obviously carried out with her previous customers such as a three in a bed….’If you can do this with customer, why you cannot do with me’ etc The reasons are obvious, of course. Jealousy on her part, and on yours. Can she adapt to a monogamous relationship after giving herself so freely beforehand. I have finally realised, after a long discussion about this with a good friend in Khon Kaen, that it is only my own insecurities about her past I am trying to deal with and bury. Of course, she has to believe that you will be loyal to her but largely, this insecurity issue, I believe, to be on the man’s part. The odds of success are stacked heavily against you. Many people are shunned for having such a girl as a partner but if, in the long term, the couple are successful, they should be commended and congratulated for their strength of character and perseverance in overcoming the mountainous odds.

We recently experienced our first case of obvious prejudice from the wife of a good friend (A good guy to which we bear no ill will for the incident I describe here. In fact, he is someone I know through this very website). During a visit to Bangkok, he kindly invited us to stay at his house for a couple of days. Upon arrival, we met with his wife for the first time. We exchanged two or three sentences with her before she went off to work. 10 hours later, we headed out with my friend for something to eat and by chance, we ran into his wife on her way home from work. We greeted her but she just pretended she hadn’t seen the three of us (including her husband) and just kept walking. She was sulking so hard that she looked like a camel that had just sucked on a lime! My friend decided he would follow her home to see what the problem was. Later, he came to find us when he explained that there was a problem. She had decided that there was no fucking way that me and my girl were going to stay in her home, purely on the impression that she had gained in the 2 minutes she had met us that morning. I was astounded. We decided together with my friend that it would be best to go and find a hotel immediately in order to avoid a confrontation (it was already after 22:00 hrs). We followed him back to his place a few minutes later to collect our bags and could hear my friend and his wife fighting upstairs. He was furious with her for causing such offence to us. When she shouted back at him, she did not sound like a woman of 30 something years, more like a teenager that wasn’t getting her way. I’ve seen this many times in the non-bargirl variety. People say it’s best not to marry a bargirl but if I was married to one of these so called ‘good girls’ who behaved like a delinquent child, I would be embarrassed beyond description.

Yes, the Thais can be immature but I once was on a bus from Isaan to Bangkok and as the bus passed Don Muang airport, there was a woman getting her knickers in a twist with excitement because she could see a large jet aircraft taking off. I’ve no doubt this was her first trip to BKK and the first time she had seen such an aircraft at close range, let alone being on one as a passenger. For me, this is when their childishness is at it’s most heart-warming…in the case of my friends wife, it was just ugly. As we left his house, he was very apologetic to us both. My girlfriend very graciously assured him that it was no problem and understood that it was not his fault. I was very proud of her for that. I think she’s become used to people looking down at her and resigned herself to it…..I’ll have to remedy that…

I went through a stage where I was a little embarrassed to be seen hand in hand with my girlfriend, especially on Sukhumvit. I’m ashamed to say that I would sometimes even try and walk a few paces in front of her so that it would look as though we weren’t together. It’s so obvious she’s an ex-bargirl. Her tattoos are hard to disguise and she needs a new wardrobe. Indeed many people will look in disgust at me, thinking that I just picked her up in some bar. A while ago, on a train down South, quite out of the blue, she said quietly and sadly to me….

‘Teeruk, I’m getting very sad about people looking me same prostitute. I want they stop. Before I know you, I don’t care anything but now I don’t like they look me prostitute and look you my customer. Get me heartache. I want for it to stop.’

That was the first and last time she’s mentioned it. I now walk proudly hand in hand with her wherever we go. I don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks.

THE GAMES WE PLAY WITH LOVE

We’ve had many fights about her past, or rather I’ve been fighting with her and she just quietly endures it.

We went for a holiday to the South, took in a couple of weeks in Koh Lanta and headed over to Samui for some nightlife. While in Samui, we played a little game with each other. We would observe the bargirls for a while. After, she would try to guess which ones I found attractive. In turn, I would try to guess which ones she found attractive. I would then ask, light heartedly, which girl she would have liked to have a sandwich with if she were still in the sex industry (the 3 in a bed kind, as opposed to the eating kind). The following had been brewing up for some time.

Quite out of the blue one evening, she said that if I wanted to take another girl, then she would be happy to oblige and stated that ‘We can enjoy together’. I knew immediately what was happening in her mind and later she confirmed it. She wanted to have a three in a bed with me, not for pleasure but it was an attempt to bury her past and an attempt to help me get it out of my system. She’d heard me go on about it too many times. She thought that if she did it with me, I could forget about it and could no longer have nightmares about her past.

I could not believe she said it. I thought that she may have been setting me some kind of test. I of course wanted to do it. I was deeply concerned about the effects it would have on us. I was worried by her attitude towards recreational sex. All manner of things ran through my mind. I asked her if she was absolutely sure she wanted this and explained to her that I would not be pleased with her if she got angry with me after the event……She assured me.

We chose a girl that we both liked. We took her to our hotel. We had an hour of uncomfortable and mechanical sex. My girlfriend just looked at me and this other girl as we shagged, took video footage and refused to join in.

Later, after the other girl had left, my girlfriend couldn’t touch me or even look at me.

I asked her what happened. Get me very sad see you with another lady. I explained to her that I wanted her to enjoy herself with this lady that we took. I didn’t want this act to make a problem for us. Why on Earth did she suggest it in the first place?

I insisted that we were to try it again, only this time, it was for her benefit and her enjoyment (Honestly…..Really).

We arrived in Bangkok where we were to transit for 3 days en route to Surin. The legendary Eden Club was about to get a visit from us. I told her about this place and explained that couples were welcome in this club and the women there would help her to relax and enjoy herself. I asked her once again if she was sure she wanted to go down this road. If she’s honest, I think she was excited by the idea.

This was my first visit to Eden. Me and my girl entered and were greeted by Marc himself. Before our arses had even touched a seat, Marc asked us if we were aware of the nature of this bar. I nodded in the affirmative to him. ‘Couples are very welcome’ were his parting words. My impression of Marc is that he is a somewhat brusque and dismissive character. 5 minutes after we had arrived, he began openly mocking me and my girl for taking too long to choose two ladies, mocking us in French with one of his French friends (Marc, you assumed I couldn’t speak French…..wrong). I don’t think he meant anything by it, it’s just the way the French are. He runs a tight ship however and I respect his nose for business. The girls are everything they’re cracked up to be in this bar. The 2 girls we chose were sophisticated and stunning to look at. They did their utmost to give my girl a good time at our apartment. They were genuine bi-sexuals and really liked my girl (before we went to the apartment, we all went for drinks at a Ratchada disco and they couldn’t take their eyes off of her). In this case it was great sex but after the Eden girls had left, neither of us said a word for hours. Eventually we made eye contact and exclaimed together that we NEVER wanted to do that again. She never wanted to see me with other women. I think she likes to fuck with other women every now and then. I try to imagine how I would feel if I saw her with to other guys fucking her….I’d be devastated of course.

Around 7 in the morning was when the storm came. She just started crying. She cried and cried and cried like I’ve never seen a woman cry before. She knows what a piece of shit her life has been. Two kids already, one of which is half Farang….and no husband. Years in the bars to support her family. It’s like she realised it all at the same time. She just couldn’t stop crying. ‘All I want is to be good girl and be famiry with my boyfriend. I bored for fucking. I bored for everything’.

I drifted off to sleep while I was holding her. I woke up a couple of hours later, she didn’t see me wake up. She was still crying.

The following evening, we were to have an argument about her motives for suggesting a sandwich and my motives for encouraging it. It was a massive argument, so big in fact that it spilled out onto the street opposite Panthip Plaza. We’ve never scrapped like that before and hope we never will again. Now we’re back in Surin and have never felt closer to each other. I’m not sure if the last couple of months have cut out the dead wood or just made things worse for us. I’m going to be UK bound soon and it’s likely to be for some time. I’m tired of feeling I have to check up on her all the time, it’s mentally draining and I don’t have the time. I yearn for the days when I was more innocent in the ways of the world. A little knowledge can be dangerous. I sometimes feel like the more I know, the less I understand. I’m convinced she loves me but I can’t stop cheating on her, it’s like my safety net. I think we’re past the worst of it though. I try to convince myself and her, that if we can get past this, we’ll be stronger than anything.

I couldn’t have been more wrong when I thought I could handle an ex-bar girl as a partner but when I compare it to life and love back in the West, I’d take this woman over anything the West had to offer. A friend recently pointed me in the direction of a web page posted by the BBC.co.uk. It was an interesting article which confirmed something I’ve had my suspicions about for some time. It described the loveless Farang women in the UK who just can’t seem to find a man. Some boffin in the BBC fold had calculated that there were around 1 million men missing in the UK. No one knows where they’ve gone. There’s just a big hole In the population of men of marrying age. If you consider that there are around 65-70 million people in The UK, half of those are Men and then reduce that to the amount of men that are of the usual marrying age ( I’m assuming that’s something like 20-40 years of age), that is a HUGE percentage! No wonder those fat arsed greedy bitches are having trouble finding a husband…and where have all those men gone? I’ll tell you exactly where they’ve gone. I’m not talking about the guys that have emigrated to Australasia and the likes, that would be accounted for in the figures. I feel sure that all these missing men are in Indochina, Philippines, China and other assorted East Asian countries. I know many men here that have simply left there home country, giving it the finger as their plane shot down the runway, vowing never to return. No one would ever know where they went. I don’t think there are any mechanisms in place to track your location by your government (unless of course you’re known to Interpol for some reason). People just sell their house, run up their credit card, say their goodbyes, say ‘Fuck it!’ and their gone… usually to a far more enjoyable life to the one they endure at home.

Personally, I’m not quite in a position to say goodbye to home forever… but I think next year will be the year and no one will ever know what happened to me. I haven’t had any contact with my family for many many years and that’s the way I want it (except my Mum who I love dearly but she’s under strict instruction not to discuss me with anyone. I’m hoping she’ll see good sense and retire out here). I’ll forget forever my appalling previous life and enjoy the good life out here. All those illegal immigrants are welcome to the over taxed, over populated, overpriced and unfriendly rat race known as Great Britain.

Many expats say that the Thai’s are lazy and cannot do a hard days work. I would argue that the Thai’s seem to understand that we were not placed on this Earth to work ourselves into an early grave and that they know how to relax, besides which, I’ve seen some real grafters upcountry. They will work hard if they have to.

I want that life in the village. I can forget about the world. I want that simple life.

Incidentally:-

The ‘Flummoxed’ 3 point plan to winning the hearts and minds of village folk:-

1. Learn some Thai.
2. Learn to speak excellent Thai.
3. Learn to speak perfect Thai.

I heartily recommend this strategy, if only for the fact that the Tuktuk drivers outside my regular hotel in Bangkok have given up trying to gain my custom. They’re bored of me saying ‘Pomme bpai chak wow’

MY BOOTS


I hereby dedicate this submission to my (late) Para Boots. After a long and illustrious career globetrotting whilst protecting my feet, the dust of Surin province took it’s toll and finally put them to rest. They were impervious to water, oil etc, comfortable and if required could give my enemies a real good kicking. Alas, the leather started to perish. I’ll miss those old boots of mine. They’ve travelled to some wonderful places with me…

Kindly raise a glass with me….’To my boots, may they rest in peace’.