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Okay, here is an informative article from my trip journals of things said about us Farangs by the locals. Thais are always being accused of being liars and dishonest but really what they are is just happy folk who like to joke and bullshit a lot! I think we just take ourselves too seriously sometimes and thus the reason for all the misunderstandings.

“The rule of 4”

This comes from Rainbow II. It is pointed towards Asian customers. 4 inches, 4 minutes, 4,000 baht! Now use your imagination!

“Sales Pitch including Me”

From the sales person at Nana BTS station on the SCUBA diving trip! She is 25 years old, single mother and makes 6,500 baht working in that stall getting people to be interested in SCUBA diving. After I inquired that the trip she is trying to sell me has already passed. It was April and the trip was for March. Here is the pitch! “I have special price for you 5,000 baht because trip already finish, you not have to pay for SCUBA, just for me I go to your room bring Video of SCUBA to watch together” this is followed with a wink! Mind you this lady is gorgeous, but somehow what does she mean by that!

“Me good friend but no good Girlfriend”

My antique dealer who my best friend is in love with! Conversations go like “ You tell your friend he can buy from me and I give good price! Thank you for like me for girlfriend but if you talk to my boyfriend he tell him me only good friend but not good girlfriend” I inquired for her to elaborate! Here is the answer I get. “ I love my dog more, I like your friend more, and Boyfriend I don’t understand, just live together”

Byron says, “I like you same as lady”

My artist at the Chatuchak Market after I bought a Buddha carving from him. So what would you make of this conversation!

Byron “You good businessman, know how to shop, get a good price and I like you same as I like lady”

Me “Thank you, what do you mean you like me same as lady?”

Byron “You handsome same as lady beautiful, I like lady and I like you”

Me “ Uh, Thank you very much”

Byron “ What you do later?”

Me “I am seeing a lady friend for dinner”

Byron “ Oh, she stay with you tonight”

Me “ I don’t know, we are just having dinner, afterwards I don’t know what we will be doing!”

Byron “My friend has restaurant very good food you want to come take lady friend with me to friend restaurant”

Me “Where is it?”

Byron “In Sala Daeng station on Soi 4”

Me “Hmmm”

Byron “Meet many my friends. Artist like me and handsome too”

Me “Okay, I always like to meet new friends! Let me ask my lady friend”

Byron “And if lady friend you not go home with you, I can okay?”

Um “The Travel Agent at Ambassador Square”

Mind you this lady is BIG physically and has the most honest face I had ever seen. She also doubles as a hostess at the outside restaurant stalls on Soi 7 beside the Billiard joint!

Me “ Um, I need ticket for Philippines”

Um “ Oh no problem, you can go Thai Air but expensive so you fly Kuwait Air okay? Thai 13,500 baht and Kuwait 9,200!”

Me “ Okay I just have to compare with other travel agents for myself to make sure I have a good price”

Um “ Mai pen rai, Come back when you ready”

So off I went to 2 other travel agents both of who had stunningly beautiful women working there.

First one is Lek who is 20 years old and single and looks like a former fashion model at the Auto show!

Me “Hi Lek, I need ticket for Philippines”

Lek “ Let me see, I have the best price. When you come to Thailand? How long you stay? Where you come from? Are you alone?”

Me “ I have been here two weeks, staying for two months and from America and alone. No have girlfriend”

Lek “ Oh! Why no have?”

Me “ I don’t know! So how much is the roundtrip ticket to the Philippines?”

Lek “You travel alone so must be lonely, not have lady friend with you”

Me “It’s okay as I am going to visit my sister”

Lek “Oh, but sister not the same as lady friend”

Me “ I do have many friends in Thailand. So Lek I have been shopping already at the other travel agents and I want you to look me in the eye when you tell me you have the best price okay!” I said this to her in a funny manner as she is so stunningly beautiful and I am starting to get an erection and I was wearing my loose Speedo shorts and she is noticing this!

Lek “Okay, best price 13,800 baht Thai Air”

Me “ How about Kuwait Air”

Lek “ Kuwait Air no fly to Philippines”

Me “ Please look me in the eye and tell me that is the best price!”

Lek “Cannot look your eye” and laughs as she is looking at my hard on!

Me “ Okay I come back, I go ATM now”

And off I went to the ATM and go back to my big fat darling Um and hand her over 9,200 baht!

Sexual reference to “ATM”

In Thailand the joke going around to giving a girl or guy an ATM card is that she/he also provides the same ATM services to you. NO it does not mean the same Thing. How about “Ass To Mouth” and to think a Thai came up with that one!

“Diesel Original”

When I went to Paris last month I saw prices for Diesel jeans at 120euro, which is about $135. At the MBK it is 565baht! The fun part is the sales process. The innuendo’s are so refreshing and flattering!

Tik is 19 years old and her boyfriend is the tailor who hems your jeans after fitting you so he is right there when Tik flirts!

Tik “ Diesel Original 650 baht but you buy 2 can give you 1,250 baht”

Me “Tik I buy from you many times already I want 1,000 baht for 2”

Tik “ No, Cannot eat”

Me “ Have boyfriend buy you food” Her boyfriend smiles at me as I am always chummy with him and always give him a back rub when I am there so I can get a better price plus he enjoys it and moans with pleasure.

Tik “You like boyfriend me but not me, I work all the time for you. Now you pay 1,250 baht!” she says this in a demanding manner as I continue to give her boyfriend a back rub!

Me “ No! 1,000 baht for two and I take you and boyfriend upstairs to eat okay” I say this in a smiling happy laughing manner.

Tik “ No cannot, you take only me, boyfriend only go out drinking come home no power. You take me out, we eat, go dancing and I go home with you!” She says this in front of her Boyfriend!

And here is what the Boyfriend says “ Mai Pen Rai, after, you give her 2,000 baht okay”

I got two diesels for 1,030 baht and took Tik out for eating after work!

“Take me to Bed”

My Antique dealer set me up with her friend who owns a boutique in Siam Square. She is 32 single and never married.

Tonya “ So where are you staying”

Me “ Solitaire on Soi 11! I get a good price when I stay one month and free internet”

Tonya “ Oh, Can I see your place. We near there and I need to change shoes before we go to Bed”

Me (I had a very quizzical look as I thought this was a proper conservative Chinese Thai lady) “ Uh, Okay but why do you need shoes to go to bed with me?

Tonya “Because my feet hurt now and I don’t like wearing Jeans to Bed. I like to wear a dress”

Me (I thought this is a very forward lady and I am almost in shock as I was not prepared for this) “Okay”

Tonya “So are we also having dinner in Bed or just drinks”

Me “Up to You!”

Tonya “ Okay I call now! We can walk to Bed from your room!”

Me “Oh you mean Bed supper club on Soi 11!”

Tonya “ What did you think? I am not that kind of girl!” and then she winks at me anyway.