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A Clean Bill Of Health

  • Written by Jason
  • June 12th, 2004
  • 6 min read


Was getting checked out for any unwelcome memento from a recent trip to Thailand at the Sexually Transmitted Infection clinic in Banbury, England. Partly to get a "Negative" free and clean paper to put in front of certain ladies of my acquaintance in Tokyo (sure takes the romance out of a date), and obviously to get a final check up on the NHS before splitting for good. I mean, these Sushi Chicks always have some excuse for not going the whole nine yards. But the one thing the clinic couldn’t or wouldn’t do was issue an "All Clear–Nothing Recorded Against" certificate. Their excuse was that it could be "out of date" before the ink had dried. "No such luck" was my comment. However, they will go through the motions when a foreign embassy makes a formal request, and process the necessary documentation for a £25.00 fee. Russia (former Soviet Union) requires this as part of the documentation for visa application. However, with AIDS in the former USSR rampant, this would seem to be something of a closing the stable door exercise.

It’s easy enough for a white, English-speaking, reasonably good-looking late middle age boy to get a date in Tokyo, but it can take for ever to bring a piece of arm candy on stream. Being twice her age doesn't seem to be much of a drawback. Or as it was put to me, "That whisky you are drinking is older than she is". And I’m just too tender-hearted to follow the standard "Gaijin" game plan. Namely, if she doesn’t put out after three dates, ask her what part of fuck off she doesn’t understand. Providing you are unattached, this is normally a reasonable request. But everyone’s so busy in Tokyo that you need three girl friends to get two dates a week. Well that’s my story and I’m stuck with it.

Brits, even doctors, don't grasp that Japan is for relationships, and Thailand is for whoring. They would be quite willing to accept that prostitution is rife in Japan. Common sense would indicate that a country with one of the world's highest GNP per capita would not be the place you can pick up a hooker on every street corner. But there you go: Perception lags far behind reality.

Although having said that, there seem to be an increasing number of foreign women on tourist visas willing to supplement their income. Of course there's always "compensated dating" if you're into nympho schoolgirls and are considering an in-depth investigation of Japan's penal system.

But back to Banbury: Locating the STI, HIV clinic right opposite the police station must have been some town planner’s idea of a laugh. So when I got in and saw "STI" posters plastered up on the walls, thought for a second I'd stumbled into a Subaru performance parts dealership.

The clients were interesting too: Mostly women, classified into two main types. The middle-age, middle-class type trying hard to maintain their composure with an "I’m so embarrassed I could die" look, and your basic dog rough Brit. chick scrubber, from teenage up to forty plus. Even in a bad light these girls look what they are. Coarse, crude, ignorant, uneducated, loud, opinionated; but there was still something about them that turned me off. Something you could never in a million years introduce to your dear mama. Seriously, I have seen and been with much classier whores. Young Brit. chicks: What a crock. And what’s more (presumably) they aren’t even getting paid for draining the brute. Reminds me of a brief conversation with a Thai hooker:

"Do you have a boy friend?"

"No have. My business boom, boom."

"I’m glad to hear business is booming, my child."

So the moral of this story: Why give it away when you can get paid for it.

Anyway, got to see this young, pretty, pregnant Irish woman doctor. I mean when isn't a young married Catholic chick knocked up. Hard to resist the temptation of finding out just how unshockable she really was. Obviously a medical doctor has to be smart with a high IQ (even an Irish doctor), but she jumped to the conclusion that whoring was rife in Tokyo.

Dialogue went something like this:

"Were your sexual partners from this area?"

"Have you seen that lot out there? No, I’ve just come back from whoring in Asia"

"Where exactly?"

"Thailand. Burma"

"Why there?"

"I know the ground. And I'm just not into white women"

"Do you make regular trips?"

"Not for the past 20 years. But when No.1 wife said it was cool to get laid as she was getting past playing the bedroom scene…well I was on the next plane to Bangkok."

"So you had multiple sexual contact?"

"You mean like a threesome. Sure, I like to kick off with a threesome. Why, is that an issue?"

"No, it’s the overall number, not the frequency.

"Oh good. But you sure go through a hell of a lot of condoms that way."

"So how many sex partners?

"Let’s see. Six nights, so six girls"

"Any symptoms?"

"Well I’ve got this ache in my lower stomach."

"And you think it’s related?"

"Right. That’s the last time I go girls-on-top with a tall chick."

"I have to ask you this. Were all your partners female?"

"Absolutely. I’m so heterosexual I’m not even into white women."

"What about oral sex?"

"I’m all for it. But can't help feeling it helps to spread STI." And with Brit. chicks you need a condom just for a blowjob.

"I’m referring to your Asian experience."

"Well, most Bangkok ladies will give you a blow, but in the countryside they are a bit more conservative."

And so on, and so on.

Pleased to report I was negative, which means clean. Always good to emphasise this after one poor dumbshit topped himself after being told his result was "negative". One slight downside: They can't check for AIDS/HIV until three months after the contact. So presumably you need to be checked immediately for all the old fashioned sexually transmitted infections and then come back three months later to be checked for AIDS/HIV.

Anyway, all part of life’s rich pageant. But seriously, this place (UK) is going down.

Stickman's thoughts:

There must be some other interesting STD clinic stories out there. Who's next?