Readers' Submissions

It Can Work

  • Written by Stick
  • May 17th, 2004
  • 6 min read

Anonymous Submission


There are many letters sent to you about how a relationship to a bargirl just won't work. Well, I think there are many that do work, but you just don't hear about them. Let me explain…. when a person is in a good relationship, most people do not continue the 'scene'. i.e. going to websites that are about the P2P scene, what bars to go to, girls to see and how they banged half of BKK. People drift into normal lives and carry on with their relationships. If you notice many of the letters you receive are form relationships gone bad, many after several years. But if you look at the U.S. which has a divorce rate of close to 50% and adultery is rampant, what is so different about our lives when compared to a bg / farang relationship?

In my situation I met a bg 2 years ago, pulled her out of the bar, sent her home (where she remains) and visit her around every 8 weeks. I spend a few weeks with her, visit the village every trip and yes, support her and her family. She really does nothing all day as the family life in the village is mostly about doing nothing all day except two times a year 1) planting rice 2) harvesting rice. After that, it's sit around and do nothing again.

Oh, did I mention we are married? Yes, traditional ceremony in the village. Here was a girl who is a stunner and did VERY well in BKK, but really did not like the scene, like most girls. You see, I know that deep inside that most of these girls hate what they do. It's about the money and that's it. I know many of her friends and what they tell me would make your head spin. It's not that they are bad people, they know where they stand in the class system and they know what they have to do. I don't agree with it, but I understand it. Anyway, I am very happy with her. And I want to explain how the relationship works. In the West we marry for love and pretty much love only. You get the gold digger, but our culture trains us to marry for love and the rest will follow. In Thailand, people mary for two reasons, love and security. But the security is measured in money. Simple, 50% money, 50% love. Both MUST be there or it won't work. I am generalizing, but you MUST understand that the family obligations are at an equal if not majority part of her life. You do NOT get the girl without the family, and the family means financial support. If you are not prepared to take this on, it won't last. Period. When given the choice, the girl WILL choose the family over you. As hard as it to accept or understand, a Westenrer that cannot deal with this will lose in the end. It is a bond that cannot be broken.

So how do I deal with it? I accept she is not educated. I accept her culture. I accept what she did before. I accept all the baggage and crap that has gone on and will go on in the future. But being in my early 40's the things I want in a woman now are FAR different form what I wanted when I was in my 20's. That's the key! My expectations of what I want in my partner have changed and I am not looking to have political discussions or other 'talks' that I have burnt out on over the past 20 years. What I want is a freind, a lover, someone I can have some fun with. For 2 years it has worked.

And I would also like to say that if I had her around me 24 hours a day, seven days a week it would not work. You see, I have the best situation of all. Two weeks at a time is about all I can take. After that it gets old. Fast.

So what am I really saying? Well in my case it works because my relationship stays fresh. I have figured out that by balancing my time with her and then getting back to my reality where I am most comfortable our relationship is strong. Do I love her? Yes. Could I spend all my time with her? No.

The differences are too great and I have neither the time nor energy to take on the relationship on a 24/7 situation. Is she different form the other girls? Well, there are good and bad everywhere in the world, she happens to be a good girl but without that '50-50' thing I talked about, she would go back to what she was doing and anyone who reads this and thinks their girl is any different is crazy.

Give them the 50-50 and you got a good chance that things will work. Treat them well, be understanding (because they do not have the ability to be understanding about the way you are) and things can work. Ignore the selfishness, the simpleness and many of their traits that they CANNOT change and you will be ok. Accept them for who they are as a people because no matter how much you try, their ways are SO engrained that they have a very difficult time changing at all.

I know many farang who have been in and out of relationships and the biggest failure has been the issues I talked about. I don't claim to know it all, but hell, it works for me. Will it last? I don't know. But in the meantime I am having a blast! One of the things about this, I don't go out and see other girls, I only see her and she knows this. For her, this is one of the most important things in our relationship, she knows I am willing to do the right things to make it work.

One last thing, if the guys really knew what these girls say behind their backs, you probably would not come to Thailand anymore. They really do not like us. The good times, the smiles, etc…. You are a money machine and the main object is to move the money from your pocket to theirs. I know many girls with multiple sponsors and multiple boyfriends. I have been going to Thailand for over 20 years and know many Thais. It is no different from any other place in the world when tourists come into a business and everyone knows that they are there to spend money. You take it. Except in BKK, it's the P2P scene and not a tourist shop. Just a business and the girls are the salepersons.

Stickman's thoughts:

Many good points are made here and I don't disagree with any of them. However, one has to ask themselves are they willing to put up with things like the open selfishness and the way that many Thai women are totally self-absorbed. To me, some of the negatives you mention are really major issues that I personally couldn't accept. Obviously everyone is different.

The point about security / money is a good one and I think one mistake many guys make is thinking that marrying a Thai woman will be cheap….which couldn't be further from the truth.