re: JR’s close escape (18/5/2004)
I have seen a few guys stuck with the fat lazy Thai wife and a lot of them are Thai. But then again, I think there are more of them in falang country. So the saying goes, ‘Marrying a woman for sex is like buying a 747 for the peanuts’ so if the little head did all the thinking then you sort of deserve what you get. I myself have been married to a Thai woman for 16 years and by and large, it has been a good marriage. I have to admit that she is Chinese-Thai which is quite different than a pure Thai. She has an incredible work ethic and is very loyal. This morning, I found the first grey hair on her head. Sounds innocuous, but as I looked at her, still very beautiful and as slim as the day I married her, I felt lucky. It has not always been easy to understand where she is coming from, even after all these years. Outside of culture, we are so completely different as personalities that I often wonder how we stayed together so long. In some ways the marriage is tired, the sex is near non existent, (as is the case for most couples together so long) but in other ways, it’s good. We still laugh, have affection, enjoy our beautiful 10 year old daughter, and we are looking forward to our new life in Thailand.
Most of the relationship problems are my fault because I am a GUY, and I am not being facetious. We get bored, we like variety and adventure, especially in our women. I subscribe to the premise that males (especially Alpha males), naturally couple many females. The success of the human species depended on it. Our thin layer of culture and religious upbringing cannot compensate for this biological imperative. I’m sure it caused our caveman ancestors no end of problem and whacking the complaining women on the head had repercussions. It’s an age old problem that has had few good solutions. How can a women look her man in the eye and say that even though you're not getting any sex from me anymore, I want you to give it up for the rest of your life. Our culture and religion dictate it. Sex and all its surrounding rituals is probably the most enjoyable human activity. It’s just not fair. She can’t do that. On the other hand, man’s fondest wish would be to keep the relationship going with this loyal mother of your children, but get some on the side, preferably with a long term mistress. That’s not fair either. Would you accept it from her?
Thailand seems to have a more comfortable attitude towards the mistress idea. The theory being that: Don’t make it obvious and make me lose face and I won’t make a scene. The problem in close knit villages is that everybody knows what’s going on which explains the odd male part fed to the ducks. Considering that human beings are the same worldwide, I assume that the woman that loves you would be truly hurt by your taking up a mistress even if she is culturally trained to shut up. Not to mention that the more educated the Thai woman, the less she will shut up. The old Thai solution was to have a whole class of women that served in a kind of brothel society where you had your mia nois . Apart from the true slave class, they had rights, a place in society and the good ones got really rich. This solution was nixed by the colonial powers as being uncivilized. Better to keep it hidden and dirty, right? Now western countries have made Thailand the brothel of their world. The Thais have always been more honest about sex and now we have messed them up badly too. So what’s the solution to sexless marriages apart from divorce? Anyone out there, especially the women?
Thai women and their hold on us
I have met a lot of Thai women over the years and they are all as different to one another as falang women. Our judgment is often impaired with Thai women because for many reasons, they hit all the right lust buttons that nature has provided for the survival of the species. If there were no language barriers, a lot of these women would be exposed for what they really are and even the most love (lust?) addled falang would open his eyes. I think there would be a business there for some fluent Thai speaking falang or English speaking Thai (Mr. and Mrs.Stick?) with some credibility to not only expose the cheating conniving Thai women but to make a proper match with some chance of survival. There is so much unnecessary pain going around. The good girl vs bad girl debate is legitimate. I have had my adventures with the odd bargirl and with the right one it can be heaven. The odds are stacked against you though. The bar life, even a short exposure to it, corrupts deeply. What it gives these girls is a sense of independence and power. For the first time in their lives they have money, which gives you face, which lets you glimpse the illusion of a life where you can stand on your own two feet without a man, same as those darn farang women. The second problem is their new found sense of power over men that sex gives them. To their own countrymen, they are at the bottom of the ladder socially and in beauty. They never knew what power their slim bodies held until they met that first farang that said he like her brown skin. That genie is really hard to put back in the bottle and a guy is just asking for trouble going with one of these girls.
There is a lot of laziness in going after bargirls. It can take hard work and imagination to pick up a good girl. I would say however, bad or good, stay in Thailand. I have never met a Thai that didn’t prefer Thailand over her adopted country and if given a chance would be there in a flash.