Stickman Readers' Submissions March 20th, 2004

Snag Travels

By Mr Sunderland

There I was, laying on the sofa, picking my toenails and eating potato chips. My darling wife sidles into the room, clears her throat, and says ‘I’m off’. I said to her not to worry, deodorant would help, but she explained that she was off, out of my life.

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25 years down the tubes. I asked if she wanted time to reconsider, but she said she was quite adamant, and so there I was…all alone. The kids grown up, and the house to myself. Who was gonna cook for me, wash and iron my clothes, clean the house? I had got used to hand shandies by then, so no more rumpy pumpy wasn’t an issue, but the rest… What a selfish cow, eh?

Well I wasn’t gonna take this lying down! My mate had told me about this web site for Asian tottie…

That was how I met Noi. Right away we clicked as soon as we got on MSN messenger. Mind you I had to let me mate type, but hey, it’s the thoughts that count. She told me I was the man for her, and she wanted me to come over to “Bangers” ASAP.

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I was planning a trip to Benidorm, but I thought sod that. Spaniards have really ruined Spain for us tourists. Ideas well above their station if you ask me.

So off to Thomas Cook I trundles. 6 weeks later and wahey, I’m touching down in Bangers, with a gut full of free aeroplane piss inside me, and my darling in arrivals waiting expectantly. Get in you lucky bastard I thought.

I had photos that she had sent, so I thought no probs, she’ll stand out like a dog's knackers.

Well blow me down, they all look the same. Thankfully she had me pegged straight away. You should have seen the look on her cute little face. I could tell she was well impressed with my get up. I bought the Man Utd shirt especially for the trip. Mind you it was a bit ripe under the arms after the long trip. To say nothing of lycra cycle shorts. Spot the chick magnet!

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So it was straight off to the Fatfarang Hotel in Suk whatever. She asked me for money for the taxi, and it was only 5000 bats. I knew she’d look after me. What a gal! Mind you she made me carry my own bags. Lazy cow.

So to the hotel. Very nice. My room had its own bathroom, which was good cause I was touching cloth by the time we arrived. I asked her to hang about while I took a dump, but she stared at me vacantly. I could see that communication was going to be a problem.

Anyway, ablutions over with, I asked her if she fancied the beef curtains parted. Again the blank look. Just my luck I thought…a lezzer. She pointed towards the shower, and I thought…bollocks to that. I had a shower only 12 hours ago. Who does she think I am, Mark Spitz?

She suggested we eat first and that she would go and bring us some food to the room. Very romantic eh. I said not buy anything overly spicy and to make sure it was cooked proper. Fried rice and satay chicken sticks. Only 5000 bats again. She’s very good at looking after my dosh.

I was getting a bit tired by now. Jet lag perhaps. Or the plane piss? Anyway she insists I have a shower, then she has one. I tried to watch but she came over all shy. Anyway, by the time she was finished I was lay on the bed playing the pink oboe. I thought I’d get her juices flowing by letting her the big fellah in full flight. Cheeky cow turned the light off!

Probably frightened at the size of it I suppose. Well 5 minutes later, I’d done the business, turned over and let one rip. This is the life.

I could just hear her faint weeping sounds. Ahhh, I’ve made her so happy, she’s crying. What a guy eh? There’s plenty more where that lot come from darling.

What would tomorrow hold, my first full day in Bangers.

Hasta la vista, as we say in Sunderland.

Stickman says:

Most amusing!

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