Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 32
THE TWO HOTEL SYSTEM
If you are planning on going to Thailand to meet girls I highly recommend that you consider renting hotel rooms in two separate hotels at once if you are going to be in Bangkok or Pattaya. Normally, this wouldn't make any sense for reasons of budget, but in these cities you can get perfectly nice lodgings for $25/nite or less. So if you are renting at two hotels at once the bill only comes to about $50/day–Max. You can afford it. I have been doing this for years and I highly recommend it. Let me give you some examples:
In Bangkok, my home away form home is the Nana hotel. For $25/day I get a hotel with every service including new pool and hot tub. Right across the street is the Nana Plaza, the parking lot of the hotel is full of free-lancers, and the Angels disco in the hotel attracts just the right sort of fun loving gal. So I like the hotel and I like the location. So why would I be renting a second hotel room in a different hotel at the same time? Well, let's suppose that the girls at the Nana are not dancing nude, but the girls in the Cowboy section of town further up Sukhimvit are showing! I have found that if I meet a nice woman in the Cowboy section of town that it is too much of a hassle to get her to the Nana. I have found that it is very important to have a hotel that is close to the action. Between the time you pay the barfine for the love of your life and the time you get to the hotel room–lots of things can happen; none of them good. Walking down the street Noi or Fon or Ba meets 10 best friends. Long conversations in Thai follow. You stand there like an idiot. Or Miss Hearthrob decides she wants Essan soup that can only be prepared in some far away place and over a long period of time. Sitting on the little plastic chair at the little plastic table waiting for the soup you are a bump-on-a-log again. Invariably, more of her best friends come by. Of course the soup is spice poisoned and is inedible. Or she decides now would be a good time to shop for baby. Etc. Anything rather than get to the main event. Trust me–you want a love nest near the bar. So I rent a second hotel room in the Cowboy section of town. Here is a typical day: I get up and have breakfast in the Nana hotel using my free breakfast coupon and then go out and do errands or do tourist things. In the afternoon around 5 I may pick up a freelancer as a wake-me-up. Then I go to the Cowboy section around 8pm. If I fall in love I take her to my Cowboy hotel. If she is 'long-time' I spend the nite at the Cowboy hotel. If she is only 'short-time' ; I go back to the Nana for the night. Often I pick up a Nana carpark freelancer before calling it a day, or I may go over to the Angelwitch across the street for some show entertainment before calling it a day. Simple.
In South Pattaya it is particularly important to be running two hotel rooms at once because of the way the town for farang pleasures is laid out. The farang entertainment section is basically just a long street running along the beach. On the one end of the street/beach is the soi 6 and soi 7 and soi 8 beer bar section; and way, way down on the other end of Beach road is the Walking Street part of town which is beer bars and go-go bars. Falling in love in the soi 8 part of town and then taking your love interest to a hotel in the Walking Street part of town is just not practical. Believe me I've spent enough time riding in the back of 10baht trucks with little whiners to know what I am talking about.
So here is a typical day for me in Pattaya. I get up at the AA hotel in the middle of Beach road and go out for a donut. It is quiet, the vendors are opening up their shops, the ocean and the sky are beautiful, etc. I look ok, I feel like a wreck, and I am happy. Invariably, on the way to the donut/newspaper shop I meet a nice boardwalk woman and fall in love. Hence my T-shirt: WENT OUT FOR A DONUT–CAME BACK WITH A WOMAN. There is nothing like an early morning wake-up call from someone who thinks I am 'velly hansum man'. The rest of my day is spent at the AA Hotel. Shopping, maybe a day trip to Ko Lan, being a tourist, time around the pool, nap, walk to Swenson's Ice Cream and the Royal Mall, etc. Then around 7pm I transfer to hotel number two (or three in some cases). If I am going to be in the Walking Street section of town I like the Julie Complex or the White Rose 2, but there are a gazillion other choices and they are all fine. The nice thing about having a hotel in this section of town is the convenience. You are basically in the middle of Sodom and Gomorrah and you ARE going to meet Miss RIGHTNOW so you want it to be easy to get to the main event. I usually spend the night at this hotel even if I have only had a short term love affair. I like the beach boardwalk walk back to the AA in the morning.
Now, if you are going to be looking for your love interest in the soi 6, soi 7, soi 8 part of town; then the single best hotel is the Bella Vista hotel on moo 9 between soi 7 and soi 8. This hotel is one of the best kept secrets in Thailand. It is large and modern and has recently been rehabilitated. And it is hidden between soi 7 and soi 8 on an alley that connects the two sois. If you and your friends knocked back 100 beers and designed the ideal location for a hotel; you couldn' t beat this. It doesn't matter where you meet Miss Short-Time or Miss Long-Time on soi 7 or soi 8; the hotel is right around the corner. And at only 650baht it is a bargain. I generally spend the night because I like the neighborhood in the morning. And the long, slow morning walk along the beach boardwalk back to the AA Hotel is simply wonderful.
Another reason I personally use and recommend the two hotel system is for when you are running two or more love interests per day; and one of them is your 'special girl'. Example: you are picking up your 'special' girl at 10pm at the Rainbow bar at Nana Plaza. Only thing is: it is an awful long time before 10pm and you are only human. Before (long before) 10pm you are going to fall in love with another girl. But if you bring her back to your one-and-only hotel; one of three things can and will happen:
1. You can not make up the bed again so that it looks as if it was not used all day. Believe me, I have tried. Your 'special' girl will notice IMMEDIATELY. You are DEAD.
2. If your 'special' girl is suspicious she will smell the bed and she will INSTANTLY smell the other woman (women). I quarantee it. Been there, been busted. Women have noses like hound dogs. They should be used as drug sniffing dogs at airports. I like the idea of them on all fours, on leashes, and in collars. But I digress. Men's and women's noses are not the same and this can get you in a lot of trouble. I couldn't smell horse plop in a stable, but a woman in Honduras can smell a musk ox in Siberia.
3. The really clever 'special' girls have counted the remaining condoms before they left in the morning. You didn't see this. When you pick them up and bring them home for the night, they first thing they do is go to the condom box and count. Been There–Been Busted. Another good reason not to use condoms.
So there you have it guys: Whether you are looking for love in BKK or Pattaya; I highly recommend that you make friends with the two hotel system. It allows you to extend your range and increase your options. Good Luck. And remember: SO MANY WOMEN–SO LITTLE TIME.
DANA'S HEALTH REGIMEN
I get emails from interested Thai adventurer wanabes wanting to know how I prevent myself from getting sick in Thailand. Here is the Program:
For trips under 30 days, the best Third World Health Regimen is to not eat or drink anything local. It is called water fasting. Bottled water only. I have my water shipped from America in sterilized shipping crates. Freight transferring and stevadoring is handled by white gloved virgins form Udon. They haven't touched anything bad; not even themselves. The water is then boiled and filtered on a need-to-use basis in local hospital labs. It is tested first on lab rats. Successful autopsies clear it for my use.
To Review: No local water–no local food. No touching doorknobs and I levitate when taking a dump. I try not to open my mouth when outside. I wear a jumbo condom that pulls down over my whole body. If asked, I mention rain.
I am not without self-interest or scientific acumen. So trips are made to the Bumrungrad Hospital clinic every four days for regimens of intravenous vitamin C, vitamins B, minerals, hydrogen, and photo-luminescence. Rigorous record keeping regarding vein sites prevents vein collapse. I swallow large capsules of blast-furnaced sand to keep involuntary large and small intestine reactions normal. I have no problem with regularity. The sand comes out like a howitzer shell. Nausea and vomiting are positve side effects. Everything is going well.
At the end of my vacations in Thailand, I always have to be delivered to the plane door with the assistance of two private duty nurses. I am too weak to walk. But at least I am not sick.
Yours in Health
Sa bai dee Dana
HELLO DEAR READERS
Here is a fun idea (not my own) that I am not smart enough to be able to follow through on. To wit: Below is a list of Thai girl names–
Pa, Bob, Be, Golp, An, Nat, Songkla, Poom, Porntip, Peau, Ple, Fon, Noi, Lek, Daeng, Nok, Jaeb, Gai, Nid, Pim, Loot, Ip, Ding, Yu, Poo, Jo, Poe, Wen, Teek, Da, Moon, Ying, Apple, Lon, Kee, Aee, Wan, Long, Pod, and Dong.
It ought to be possible to write a fun little story using just these names. I am not the brightest lightbulb in the hallway so I can't do this. But I'll bet someone could. Here is a short example from an email pal of mine– 'Songkla Eat and Golp my Long Dong while I ate her Gai tasting Pod. Wen she leave, she not so Fon–she Loot my room!'
There are probably at least another 30 girls names that could be added to this list.
Crazy? Perhaps. Entertaining? Absolutely!