Let’s Grow Up A Little, Shall We?
To play the game, you need to know the rules….right?
I’m having trouble sleeping today. As I lay awake, a submission forms in my mind.
There’s the golden rule throughout this forum, never fall in love with a bar girl, never send money to a bar girl, never this never that, they’re monsters, destroyer of hearts…the list is endless. This submission is just a collection of my thoughts, followed by an invite.
For the most part, I agree with these assumptions but lets try and get things into perspective. There are many submissions from 20 somethings who think they know how the world rotates, most of which are sex reports disguised as informed opinion on prostitution in Thailand. I’ve heard more elderly gentlemen describe them as LBFMs (Little Brown Fucking Machines) and really, I suppose that’s the right attitude to have. At 32, I don’t profess to know it all, far from it.
My girl, an ex-bar girl, now lives in her family home, raising her kids. If you’ve read ‘The Hua Hin Situation’ you’ll know my story already. She’s doing exactly what I asked of her and verifiably, is trying very hard to change herself to a ‘normal girl’ (I hate that term). There was a hiccup at the start when I found out about another guy she was stringing along (only for the money she thought she could extract from him). This was all the excuse I needed to get rid of her there and then, and I very nearly did. I had an email from a reader telling me I should give her another chance, I thought it over at length and decided that if I were in her position, I would probably have done the same thing. She didn’t know if I was genuine any more so than I knew her. You can’t blame her for keeping her options open until she knew better……can you?
I had told her I absolutely would not send her money for six months until I could see she was reformed and could be a good mother for her children….and make a good girlfriend and so, a wife. After a while, and seeing that she was at home all the time with her family and seeing that she was struggling to make ends meet, I came to the conclusion that it was unreasonable of me to expect her to live with no income while she waited for me. I offered to help her financially. She gratefully accepted.
I find myself tortured as to whether or not I can live with an ex-bargirl as a lover, despite my fondness of her. I can forget about the many men she had, that’s not an issue for me…..but can I ever trust her? Will I always be looking over my shoulder, no matter how well she behaves. Those awful tattoos, I’ll have to suggest laser treatment to her. Laser treatment is so advanced these days, tattoos can be removed with virtually no trace and no scarring, amazing really.
I spent a while looking at photographs of me and her in Hua Hin and Bangkok, trying to see what feelings I had when I looked at her. As I did so, I noticed something I didn’t expect. In the pictures taken when I first met her, she looked happy enough but now when I look more carefully, the smile seemed somehow cosmetic, even half hearted. I don’t know how to explain it really. I suppose, a ‘paid for’ smile, a working smile……not a forced smile but just ordinary and everyday.
As I followed the photographs chronologically to when we were in Bangkok together, she was almost unrecognisable. I exaggerate not. So different was her smile you could almost say it was a different girl. A deep, genuine smile of heartfelt happiness. We weren’t even doing anything special, just strolling through Lumpini Park one warm evening but she looked so happy to be in my company……..left the Hua Hin bar scene behind her……on her way to stay with her family. I only realised this a few hours ago….I hope I’m right about it but it filled me with a bit more confidence in her.
However, as time goes by,I start to think many things. Would I be better off with a girl who had never worked in bars…..of course I would but is that just my conventional and prejudiced side talking? I am often heard criticising the Thai Lo-So Hi-So mentality. Even if she was never a bar girl, we would both still be looked down upon by more upmarket Thais, her for being Isaan and me for having her.
I’m intelligent and cultured but I’m very rough around the edges if you know what I mean. I’ve had ample opportunity to mingle with the higher class types of Thailand and I find the girls to be no more or less faithful and more importantly, I think they are often spoilt brats, often concerned with nothing more than their appearance. I recall a time in Cha-am with my girl, we were strolling by a tidal river. We noticed some locals fishing for their supper and some kids playing. We went to chat with them down by the water's edge. I watched with delight as my girl clambered over muddy rocks, grazing herself as she went. She didn’t care about getting her clothes dirty. She was quite happy to be choosing away with ordinary, down to earth folk in the mud…..after all, she’s a down to earth girl and I really like that.
Listen to the words to ‘Just the Way You Are’ by Billy Joel and you’ll know what I mean.
If I were to take a Thai girl from any background to the UK, the utter ignorance of UK folk would lead them to believe I purchased her on the internet, or, even if she was not a prostitute, they would assume she has been at some point, simply because she is Thai…….so I never care about what other people think, it’s a waste of time….and why do I have to care anyway?
If I married her, would I go on business trips to Singapore and ogle the nice Singapore girls and wish I had one rather than my ex-hooker trashy wife? I’m not an ugly fellow, I don’t think I’d have much trouble finding a decent girl. However, where I’m from, I’m very definitely Lo-So. It’s funny how as a Westerner, you somehow gain a few society points with a decent shirt and a shave, if you know what I mean……but Lo-So I am and I find it hard to imagine I wouldn’t get very bored very quickly with a higher class girl. I like my girl to drink beer from the bottle with me. I think a country girl is just the ticket for me, one that can milk the cow, chew the sting off a scorpion, slaughter chickens, open beer bottles with her teeth, change the oil and filter on a Toyota pickup, defuse landmines, carry the motorbike home when it breaks down, perform vulcan mind melds……now I’m exaggerating I know but you get the point.
I agree that they are almost always absolute trash…..but there has to be exceptions, surely. I will keep up my end of the bargain and go to see her again upon my return to Thailand, just as I promised her. I’ll still have a few things to check and verify….and check and verify I will, meticulously. I don’t know what my feelings will be. If she really is genuine, how could I break her heart. I will honour her good faith in me and stay with her and her kids. ….and another thing, maybe she IS only after a father for her kids, and she’s quite right to want that….and maybe she is thinking of her own happiness too and choosing a man that she loves???????????
I’m now very tired of hearing about disaster stories with bar girls. I know there are some success stories out there. I would like you people with success stories to write to me and tell me how you met, how you made it work etc etc……everything. Anything would be gratefully received, even from casual observers who have friends who are in successful relationships with bargirls/ex-bargirls. I just want to hear your stories, do you think there is a magic formula etc? Anything to be aware of?
Note that I’m a long termer in Thailand, so the basics won’t be necessary, thanks;-)
I look forward to hearing from you.
Agreed that it is a bit ugly when people say things won't work just because she is "lo-so". But from a practical point of view, one's background is relevant. Rural Thais come from a very different background from lower class farangs.
I remember about three years ago a fellow who was married to a former bargirl told me how several of his mates had also married girls from the industry. The relationships went well for a while. However, he admitted to me that they had all struggled to get their head around their respective wife's past occupation and all were keeping secrets from those around them about what she used to do. Not a fun way to live.