I Got Blown By An Elephant
No I didn't get a blow job by a fat woman. It was a real elephant and it was in front of 500 people! No I am not a sick bastard, I was just a victim of my own prank. Let me start
from the beginning.
It is Songkran 2003 in Pattaya. For those of you who have not been there, don't go there. It lasts a week in Pattaya, not the easy three days like in Bangkok. And the last day is hellish. The whole city takes the day off and goes at it in the streets. I had been here during Songkran before, but I didn't take the whole week. Only the last two days. Since my vacation is in April, I thought I could take the whole week since I like Pattaya a lot. Well four days into it I almost snapped. I almost beat the snot out of a punter who spilled my beer trying to wet me. I think being wet for four straight days and changing clothes three times a day had something to do with it. The guy apologized right away and bought me a couple of beers. I talked to him for a while and I realized I needed a break from this.
The girl sitting on my lap asked me If I could take her to the tiger zoo. Well I would be away from Pattaya for the day. So I told her I would take her, but only if she really, really treated me well that night. Well she lived up to her part of the bargain and how. I guess a tiger is her favorite animal because she wanted to do it more times than I did.
In the morning, it became really hard getting out of bed. I literally had to be dragged out by Bee. Well she had to clean me up and get me ready for the day. You know it is really nice having a woman wash every part of you. Thank god she worked fast because the minivan came twenty minutes early. We were the first ones picked up.
After the minivan picked up everyone, we headed off to the tiger zoo. It took us about 40 minutes to get there and I slept the whole way. Well the zoo is a nice place to go and I do want to go back one day, not any time soon though. Bee was having a blast. She loved taking pictures with the baby animals and she wasn't scared of any animal except the elephants. She says they are too big and might step on her. She says she never goes near them and never will. Well the elephant show is next and wouldn't you know it, they ask for two volunteers. As a joke that I will always regret, I grab Bee's hand and raise it. Unfortunately for me, she pulled her hand down, but mine was still up. And of course, nobody else had their hand up and the guy pointed at me.
Oh well, I thought this was a good thing, since this was the first time (and last) that I was chosen from a crowd like this. I then jump over people and the stairs with the grace of cat and of course I trip over the last wooden log fence. As the crowd laughs I go and shake hands with the announcer. He talks in Thai to the audience for a while. He then comes and talks us. He tells us not to move and don't do anything to startle the elephant. I then lie down on my back and have a towel put on me. (I guess just in case it craps or pees on me). A medium sized female elephant comes and walks over me. Boy they really look big when you are lying down. Then he stands next to me and lifts one foot and starts massaging me gently with his foot. She then starts blowing on me with her trunk. Blowing so hard I can feel it through the towel. But then the trunk heads south and hits the crotch area. OOOOOuch!!!!! I am in big time pain, but I keep my wits about me and don't move since I still remember the guy saying not to move. Since I don't want to get stepped on I lay still. She is now blowing on the crotch area making things worse. You think that would make feel better, but NO it feels worse now. She then starts massaging me with the trunk on the stomach. I breathe a sigh of relief until I realize the trunk is heading south!!!!! I feel and hear the the taps of the trunk. Thump!, thump! thump! thump! thump! Thu—– aaahhhh!!!!! She hits me twice more in the very wrong place. I am clinching my teeth so hard I think they are going to shatter. Then she walks over me again and backstage. I thank god for saving me from further agony. Then I see the BIG MALE BULL elephant coming right towards me. The damn thing looks twice as big. I think to myself, should I run away like a coward or take it like a man. I am going to take it like a man, besides I am not sure I can get up right now. To my delight he just walks over me a couple of times. I am helped up and given a key chain as a gift. I still have it with my keys to remind me not to put my hand up for anything again. That night I slept alone and I was ok the next day. In fact I was involved with the water fight all day and night. A little water is not so bad after all. Remember guys, there are worse things to get hit by than water and hopefully you will never find out.
Now if Dana had written this story, I'm sure he could have embellished it nicely!