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The Londoner Now Travels Alone, Part 2, Pattaya



… guide to Bangkok

I took all of my stuff down to the cab that I had ordered from my hotel in Pattaya and away I went. My trunk of a case wouldn’t fit in his boot so it went in the back seat and I rode shotgun I wasn’t much use to him conversation wise as I smelt like a Brothel, Off Licence, Club and ash tray all rolled in to one but he didn’t seem phased. After a few polite convos I told him that I hadn’t slept in over a day so I was gonna catch 40winks. I blew up my travel pillow which he found quite amusing. 2sec after that I was in la la land counting Thai sheep. I slept for a bout an hour and was woken up by the driver who told me we had stopped and I could get a drink and wash my face. I did just that and away we were again about an hour from Pattaya. He told me I was snoring. Now this cab driver has to be the most polite well mannered I have ever met. He asked what music I wanted to listen to and then went on to tell me he had a DVD player and monitor and a collection of action movies if I fancied it. Next thing u know I'm snugly sat in my chair eating crisps drinking water watching dare devil in surround sound in a Thai taxi. What next???? Lol… we get into Pattaya and stop and get MCds I was starving but I new Thai food would be to heavy. The moment we get onto beach road I’m on the look out for a Motorbike that takes my fancy… He smiles and as all cab drivers do they have a friend who rents bikes…lol…they have no R6 in Pattaya only R1’s but for my 1st day I didn’t want something that rapid so as there are know nice 600’s I settle for a 400 Fireblade big mistake it was like a snail. Unlike Phuket when you rent things they take a deposit and not your passport. I’m yet to work out which I prefer. With a passport I've never had any trouble but with the deposit the person u rent from always has a sidekick. Some little gimp that sees a new scratch that everybody else’s human eye has missed…Bloody annoying …any how I follow the taxi back on the Fireblade to what should have been my home for 5 days, ended up being 10…but sssshhh I'll come to that…

I check in shower etc etc etc and then hit the town about 6pm.

Now since arriving in Thailand I am yet to see another black face, but when I do I acknowledge them as its nice to see them travelling to a place where for some strange reason my kind do frequent. I’m the minority, at 1st I felt special but each coin has 2 sides, there’s no blending in or saying it wasn’t me and it’s easy to follow my trail. You may laugh but it will soon come to light. You are noticed, seen and monitored. As I said sometimes its fun sometimes in no uncertain terms its FUCKS u up…

I parked my bike in the Motorbike parking area opposite MC’d s on beach road and went in search of a bar that I could call my own… For those of you who travel to LOS regularly you’ll know what I’m talking about.. a 1st stop so to speak where you make a stop every night before hitting the rest of the bars. Somewhere we you are relaxed not to much noise, your not harassed, constantly groped no one asks you to buy them a drink, nice looking girls, friendly nice mamasan, pool tables and of course easily accessible food…You may laugh and think that I’m asking a lot and that will be hard to find but I found it in 2 hours. Its hard to resist the girls trying to drag u into a bar the screams of you chocolate man or hey sexy man but u have to fight it. It just warmed to me. I had walked all the way down beach road up all the sois and finally I found it…it was playing hip hop full of young girls 18-24 playing hip hop, pool out back, food stall outside I was in heaven. I got the usual cold wet wipe for my head as I sweat like a pig. Ordered a drink and chilled taking it all in…

If you haven’t travelled alone before it’s a must. Can’t be beaten.

I see a girl sat at the bar with her face looking like a smacked bum I asked her what's up she said nothing I said how’d u expect someone to bar fine you if you don’t smile or talk to any one. She said that’s her plan and she began to tell me the story about the Fat Farang who squashed her the night before. Now somehow I always meet these characters. We drank laughed played connect 4, the dice game and the game where u gotta pull stuff out with out it falling over. Anyhow I asked if she wanted to stay or cum she said stay so I went to leave and she did her nose stuff. Up it went I laughed and said I’m going.. she said y don’t I take her with me. Now is it me or did I just ask her if she wanted to stay or go…well dun o what happened there. well call her Pattaya 1. paid her bar fine went for a drink in sum other bars then hit Mc’ds again. She went to the toilet and there I was in Thailand and out of no where I heard these Cockney Accent screaming in McDonalds “Nooooo Silly one BIG MAC…Watch my Mouth B-I-G M-A-C…I burst out laughing introduced myself and sat down he 2 was alone so I invited him to sit with me well call him Essex 1. Pattaya 1 comes back and sits down and Essex 1 and I are talking. As I said she’s a character she slaps Essex 1’s lips and tells him he talks too much and to fast then bursts out laughing. We all laugh we eat I tell Essex that where gonna go back to Pattaya 1’s bar and he’s welcome to join us. He declines but takes Pattaya 1’s number. I get back to her bar we have more drinks who phone rings and its Essex 1 I go meet him and bring him back to the bar introduce him to the girls we play pool drink and have a great evening. Its 200am and we’ve been drinking all sorts. I’m ok as I’m an alcoholic Essex 1 is feeling it but he’s maintaining as the for the 2 girls they are pissed out of there boxes…lol…I get on the Fireblade, essex1 gets on the vespa we say our goodbyes and off we pop…I mite add this pattaya1 is hammered falling asleep and falling off the bike all sorts..I get her to my hotel..she falls at the bottom of the step, I pick her up and carry her three flights up to my room.. on every floor she screams “WHYYYYYY” and tries to punch the window. I get the little darling into my room and she crawls off my back onto the bed then falls onto the floor…drags herself over to the bin which I thought was a nice touch and vomits her guts out for 5-10mins as she screams you try to kill me…Now I didn’t force her to drink zambooka, tequila, brandy, whisky and some other cocktails I merely presented her with an offer…lol.. Poor thing. I forced her to get up she had a shower then the little piss head persisted in snoring all nite and keeping her mouth open…

In my experience a Thai lady always wakes up before you do…and she will just wait patiently until you rise…not this baby, I had to squeeze her nose and pull her feet and dodge her punches at 1pm to get her up…I dropped her to beach road said my goodbyes and met essex1 for a spot of Kentucky…some light chit chat made a few plans for the day and then set out in search of more adventure…

We drove around for about and hour and then decided on a 2 hour massage followed by a manicure, pedicure and a facial, Pansies aren’t we. Anyhow we arrived at the massage place where essex1 is a regular.. they said it would be an hour so we sat outside had a drink spoke with a few locals b4 it was our time…we met a lovely lady who we will call Chiang Mai who was from guess where???? lol.. well she said that we should come see her at her shop and get the works, manicure, and pedicure facial…we took her phone number and promised to ring when we left… Now I’m not afraid to say when ever I get a massage in Thailand no matter what the woman administering it looks like I cant help getting a stiffy when she starts to massage that inner groin area. As per usual it happened, I don’t get embarrassed so we all had a jolly good laugh… The joke was on me it appeared as when she started to jump on my back and my bum a fart that I had been holding for the 1st hour of the massage sneaked out… Essex 1 who had been sleeping felt the need to burst out laugh and add more shame to Mr choclate..lol..all part of the fun…

We get some directions to Chiang Mai’s place for the manicure and we head down there. on arrival she isn’t there so we pop off for something to eat and return…Now I’m an open minded guy iv been to Thailand a few times so I’m kina used to seeing ladyboys, and even more used to seeing what we in London would call blokes in drag…lol..Now as I said I’m quite open minded. On arrival we were greeted by Chiang Mai and then introduced to her team. 2 women and yep u got it a bloke in drag. I greeted all but essex1 burst out laughing and asked if I was gonna let this fella touch my feet…he then took my camera and began taking pictures of this bloke pedicuring me. All of sudden I felt the relaxing pedicure turn into a race against time as essex1 had sat there pointing and laughing. I did my best to get out as quickly as possible. So as not to embarrass him any further…essex1 though this was hilarious as we left.

Essex and I went for a quick drink then decided to part to freshen up etc and meet up later for some extra curricular activities such as drink drink and drink…lol

Now people always say to me that once you've met a girl that really likes you its impossible to get rid of her…What about the percentage of girls that you want to stay with you and all they want is to buum buum?????? Well get to that in a minute…

I get home have a kip and freshen up, make a few calls home to friends and finally to Essex to arrange a place to meet and a time…

That time arrives its 9pm and where at the bar that we went to the night before…the little drunken from the night b4 was obviously still in a state so she wasn’t there.. I had seen a lovely girl the night before who had taken my fancy but was unsure as to how we stood as she thought I did the naughty with her friend the night before. All this was cleared up and we had a chat we got something to eat and the little cow(Nice lady) Fed me the hottest pepper I have ever had in my life..u know the ones…Essex yet again spent the next 15minutes pointing and laughing at me…lol I guess that must just be my purpose…well she opened my mouth and put a lump of steamed rice under my tongue and it sorted it out..but I was set out to get revenge.lol

Well we drank more, spoke and played pool, I asked what we will call Pattaya 2 and her friend if they wanted to come out. They agreed, me and Essex paid there bar fines and off we went. We decided on the ladyboys show and the shooting range. On arrival tickets for the ladyboys show were sold out so the shooting range it was. I took this opportunity to try and get to know my date who seemed to enjoy hitting me and sniggering..lol Essex patrolled around the shooting range with a 45 pretending to be john Wayne as the staff try to explain to him that he was holding a gun with live bullets in it.lol..well we all had a go and paid for the girls to have a crack as well…

It was getting late and we were all drunk and hungry, we took a few photos with the ladyboys as the show finished and made our way to BIG C for some grub, that was closed so we went to a stall near by and ordered some food…I asked my date to get me some chewing gum and while she was absent it was my time to pounce…I filled her whole dish with chili powder gave it a good stir and whistled as she returned. I then put her dish in front of me…we both had the same dish and I knew she would suspect something…on her return she said u think I silly and swapped her dish for my dish when really she was just taking her dish back…myself and Essex held our laughter until the spoon hit her lips…my poor Thai sweetheart went bright red and screamed something in Thai which I later established means poisoning…lol… she tried to blame me but I explained that I like spice in my food and she had taken mine after I had garnished it…lol..i bought her another one and kissed her better…

We finished eating and I asked what she wanted to do as I have noticed In my experience that they kina do what u wanna do when I am actually open to suggestion…well she said she wanted to go back to the hotel for buum buum..i said ok..said my goodbyes and went..on arrival she showered quite quickly and jumped on the bed…now I showered and joined and asked her what time she had work in the morning..she replied no work tmw I go to Bangkok at 7am to see family so no long time only short time 1000baht…then I go home and sleep…lol..shoking I know…I explained to her that had I known this she wuda have stayed in the bar she said I didn’t ask…she then gave me this puppy dog look(FAKE) and asked if I didn’t like her anymore. By this time I had switched off. I thought she was lying thru her teeth so I gave her 1000baht and did what a man had to do… she says see u and say no see u means see u again so good bye she sits on the bed and says what’s wrong I just explained that she was a liar and cheat and shouldn’t treat people like that as I had been very nice to her…so she should go b4 she pissed me off even more. Now I wasn’t actually pissed off I was just annoyed at the fact that she had tried to be smart… I found out the next day that she did actually go to Bangkok as she didn’t return for a few days to the bar.

Anyhow she leaves and I have another shower. It’s about 2am and I know Pattaya nightlife still lives. I get on me Fireblade and park up near walking street I go to the net café? check my emails and then try and phone Essex.. I couldn’t get thru so I just walk till I see a bar I like I stop sit at the bar and order 2 strait triple remi martins one with ice one without I neck the one without ice and chill with the other as I am looked at by the girls in the bar like I’ve just drunk petrol… who do I hear..Mr.Essex he’s at the back of the bar screaming drinking and snoggin his date. I say hi he asks where my date is I explain he laughs and I leave him be as I can see he’s gone..lol..

I go back to my seat and I’m joined by a lovely lady..we will call her Pattaya 3..she asks what’s wrong as I look angry and explain and she laughs as well…I say why u laugh..she says most Farangs are angry cos ladies wont go you angry cos she go…lol..i laughed and said that I wasn’t angry cos she left and I was angry at the blatant attempted deception.. I think I kina lost her on that..she said I had a big motorbike why I drink so much brandy…I asked how she knew I had a big bike as I had parked it 15minutes up the road…she said she just knows and winked at me…I bought her a drink and a guy who was sitting alone at the bar quite a few drinks then a few more girls a drink then played pool I was in a state…it was about 430am..and I was still standing…I left that bar and escorted Essex and his drunk date to the vespa and set them on there way..in my twisted mind the nite was still young…lol…in my eyes Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety. Pure risk leads to self-destruction. Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress now I have survived and I am now progressing to another bar. Others might look at me and tell me my risks will force me to self destruct but we will see…lol…

I arrive at another bar across the street and I order more Remy but with a bottle of water this time just to keep it balanced…lol… I start chatting away as I do slurring and swaying…I get talking to a few girls and in the corner of my eye and see some other guys at the bar…Well call them Cockney 1 & 2 there from London so we have a nice chat share a few drinks and a few stories…then arrives 2 other guys… There black so we got that whole bond shot going on there from the US so well call them guess what US1 & 2…for some strange reason they wanna drink with us…when I say drink I mean have a competition…we laugh and do the whole UK V’s US drinking stuff, tequila after tequila after zambooka after brandy b52s..anything that could be taken in a shot we did and we didn’t leave the girls out at the bar..every drink we drank they drank one two..I've never heard a bell ring so much in one bar in one evening. Christmas came early. it was 730 and I was still standing the Cockney 1 & 2 were standing US1 was groggy to say the least and US2 well he was just about to fall over. the main thing is we were all still standing so we declared it a draw even though Cockney 1 & 2 and myself had been drinking all night they US 1 & 2 had just got off the plane…but a draw it was…I went up the road and got on my Fireblade and drove passed and the bar and prayed for safe passage home…I knew I was fucked but as I always say bikes do what you want them to do…I got home safe around 8am and hit the sack…

I wake up alone about 2-3 in the afternoon and hit the street for some shopping I take my bike back and get a bigger one a 600CBR with a bit more nip about it…I get some grub and then go for a drive. I decide that I wanna stay a little longer in Pattaya so I phone my travel agent back home but they tell me it will be an extra ?150 to change my ticket..I laugh and get upset…I then see the 2 Brits from last night on the beach and they tell me they changed their tickets for ?20..they give me the address of this place and off I pop…I find it after some hunting they charge me 100baht to tell me I don’t have an open ticket so I must go to the Thai airways office…I go there and am told the same. They how ever are a little more helpful they cancel my ticket from Bangkok to Phuket and book me a new one for 2500baht give or take a few baht so I’m chuffed. I tell my hotel ill be their longer and try to phone Phuket 1..to tell her that I will be about 5days late her phone just rings so I text her, still no reply, it was quite strange as I had kept in constant contact with this girl for months now…stranger things have happened…

Have heard from Essex 1 all day so I give him a bell to see he’s ok, the phone rings and rings…I continue my day…I go to a pool hall on one of the sois and have some food and drink few games of pool and just chill my phone rings and its Essex he’s ok, alive but struggling after last night's activities. We agree to have a drink later. I go back to the bar that I was in last night and I am greeted my kisses and screams of look its Mr.**** (My Name lol) I’m a bit shocked I’m trying to recap on what I did to deserve such a welcome… they brought me over a triple strait brandy and a bottle of water a towel for my head as I was sweating and some nuts…I asked for the bill and I was told that it was free, I said why they said the boss said when you come in we must give you 3 free drinks and some water and be nice to you…I laughed it turned out that the guy who was at the bar alone the night before owned the bar. I had been buying him drinks all night and he was at home with a serious hang over but wanted to return the favour… The smallest good deed is better than the greatest intention..lol well I took full advantage of there hospitality but didn’t take the piss and offered to buy the girls a drink…I did so and had a chat watched football played pool etc etc..

It was early evening and I was due to meet Essex soon so went home freshened up and hit the street. Now I wont bore u with another evening of drunken foolishness and its slightly repetititive however it was fun at the time reading about someone drink driving a big bike playing pool and pulling has its lifespan… I will take you to 2 days b4 I leave to go to Phuket…NOW ALL MEN PLEASE TAKE HEED…lol you’ll know what I’m talking about when you read it…

Its 230am and I am guess what????? You got it at a bar drinking brandy…lol quick recap, its 2days b4 I go to Phuket. I met a girl at 10pm that evening and took her phone number I phoned her and I’ve come to meet her at her place of work, Essex has gone home and I have changed my 600CBR to a Yamaha R1…lol Moving up in the world…the big crotch rocket more like death trap…lol anyhow… I’m at this bar the girl who we will call Pattaya 3 has just shown me some pictures she had taken a few days ago…drop dead gorgeous she gives me one and we start talking I order food I buy a drink for me her and the mamasan who appears to have taken a shine to me. I then buy a whole load of fruit and quails eggs and we all eat…the mamasan thanks me buy giving me a drink on the house I buy her one back she gets me one back this goes on for about an hour..the mamasan is not a small girl, in her drunken state she begins to pole dance…lol…Essex arrives and said he got bored and though id be here we all have a drink chat watch some footie and we decide to take to girls back to Essex’s bungalow for a party…we stop for the supplies..some barcardi breezers, Thai whisky, cookies sweets…and lug them back on 2 bikes to the bungalow… we drink for a few hours then hit the bedrooms for SLEEP…lol…

I wake up at midday and the beds empty I looked out the door and there’s my date cleaning the house..bless her cotton socks…whilst Essex’s date chills watching MTV…we wait for MR Lazy Essex to get up 2 hours later and we get some food.. and agree that 2nite will be a drink free evening…lol..we laughed…that evening we went out on a double date…

What an evening…we went into the cinema to see Kill Bill we arrive and the film starts..someones phone rings.. Now normally you'd hear an apology and it would go off..this person sat and had a full blown convo until both me and Essex threatened to confiscate the phone…the guy laughed and cut the call it rang again and we all had a laugh and he switched it off…2 mins later…what happens???? Essex’s date’s phone rings and she wants to do the same..we explain that well have words with her when we get out and the whole place laughs…lol…

My phone rings as we leave I pick up and its some Thai guy…asking me who I am..at this point and didn’t click…you'll see what I mean…lol

We all go for pizza hut and then have an early night. Good sleep as it’s the 1st night in Thailand history that I’ve got to bed b4 I see the sun cum up…lol

I meet Essex for breckie in the morning or should I say early afternoon and as it’s my last day he took me go karting… Now on the way to go karting I run out of petrol so my date phones the people that I rented the bike from to keep and help… they arrive with happy faces thing I’ve damaged the bike in someway so they can get some money out of me…unfortunately they were disappointed…now this is hilarious…who remembers when they were younger riding your bike and holding another bike with the other hand as your friend had gone or hurt them selves??????..That’s what they did… With a Motorbike…An R1 worth just short of ?6,000. one guy rode a small 125 and push the other one on my R1 and filled it up and rode it back…I gave him 100baht for the petrol and 100baht for his trouble…we set off again…we got to go karting and just b4 driving into the complex I was greeted by a dodgy looking fella trying to sell what he called liquid Viagra which he promised would give me power for magical buum buum…lol..i declined and we continued…

I had a torrid time…while Mr. Essex span round the course in record speed..but I’m stuck with the go kart with the old spark plug…I was most upset and it ruined it…when I had 5minutes left they decided to fix mine so we had a little burn up…lol…

We went for a drive out in the country after at then retired to our hotels…we met up again at around 9…I then took Pattaya 3 back to her bar and said thank you. Lined her hand with silver and said that I wanted to spend my last night free so that I could just be manly and would have to worry about a date. She appeared ok with this and I promised that I would come and see her in the morning before my taxi left…I had a few drinks with the gang took a few picks and mamasan bought me some flowers and wished me good luck…

Essex had drawn up a map off the bars that for some strange reason we hadn’t touched…how do u expect to touch 35000 bars in 10days????? Any how we set off and hit a few had some drinks pool etc…I say lets hit 2 bars that we normally go to and say my goodbyes now…so we go few drinks then round the back of marina for some food. I see a girl walk in just after I finished eating and boy oh boy was I upset that it was last night.. I wuda spent the whole holiday with her. I was told off by Essex and advised that it was my last night so why be on best behaviour with a date…lol..he was rite so I complimented this Thai beauty on her looks her English and the rest of it, we exchanged phone number and email addresses and that was that…we hit another strip and drank then another then another…until finally we parked up. A girl saw we were drunk and took full advantage, she started liking my face and my neck blowing in my ear squeezing my nutz my member rubbing legs kissing my belly my nipples…and ill b honest…she got me…she got me good…I bought her a drink and some roses and took a picture, her friend was going to work on Essex at the time so we were both in for it…lol they were both stunners so we though wat the heck…that ladies and gentlemen was the biggest mistake of the holiday…lol.

But it was worth it just to see US1’s face as he walked in, he had spruced himself up and come specifically for the beauty that had now fixed her attention on me..lol..i said hi he said hi to who was now my date…I asked if she new him, she laughed and said he tried to get her drunk the night before but he got drunk 1st and had to go home, he had come in t earlier but left his money in his hotel so went home to get it to barfine her…and there was me the asshole…running off with her…lol the irony of it…in a place with 35000 bars I come to the one and see a girl that a guy I met a few nights ago in another bar had come for…lol

Well we set off for walking street park up the bikes and the 4 of us hit a few bars… Have u ever felt like your being watched or followed but just put it down to paranoia? Well I had that feeling and I though that I was just drunk… So we go to bar order a few drinks…I look over to the bar opposite and from behind it looks like Pattaya 3 but I see no1 sat with her so its impossible…we move on. I get to another bar and I look back at the 1st bar where I thought I saw Pattaya 3 and she’s gone…but whereas she sitting now ladies and gentlemen…in the bar opposite the one I’m in now…I move on, it happens again, at which point I tell Essex, guess what he thinks it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard in his life…we move on, it happens in every single bar along walking street…so we go to marina, we get a table and 10mins later she’s at the bar…lol FUCKED UP…I say to Essex that this is to weird lets me gone…we pay the bar and go to get the bikes. Just as I walked past she brushes past me and whispers “The photo I give you bring back you are farang butterfly”. Now I’m lost?? Can any1 explain this to me?? .I make a quick exit b4 the psycho sees something sharp. I check to see my breaks are working and check to see my tyres have not been slashed as that happened to me on my 1st ever visit to Thailand. I get on the bike with my date and my phone rings…its Essex, he says to me don’t look now but guess who’s behind the pillar…as I drive off I take a quick look in my rear view..Low and behold its Pattaya 3 who I will now refer to as the Fukin Stalker…lol…F.Stalker for short… as I get to the bottom of the road I keep looking back, I see her get onto a motorbike taxi. I’m on an R1 drunk I mite be the power is still there…With my date holding on for dear life to flicks of a wrist and I’m home and locked in my bedroom… My mobile begins to ring I don’t answer a text cums thru I erase it then the hotel room phone rings it’s the porter. The maniac is now downstairs… the porter doesn’t let her up but still she persists to ring the phone she says shell wait… I get in the shower with my date laughing at me. She says I have to many lady give them good buum buum and turn them crazy…she to thought this whole episode was amusing…lol…

I go downstairs and hour or so later and she’s kipping on the couch in the lobby…

I ended up enjoying my evening and just prayed she was gone in the morning…

Thankfully she was…I pack, go for food say by to Essex. Now for the real test. To drop my date home & take the bike back without the psycho seeing me as both were near her bar…lol..i sat at the lights and waited for a big vehicle to drive past doing a relatively slow speed I then hid behind this all the way up the road until I turned off…Covert like…lol…I drop her off drop the bike back and Bob's your uncle. I’m in a taxi on my way to Bangkok to get my connect flight to Phuket I’m safe and I’m alive…You think Pattaya’s messed up u wait till I write about Phuket…Hope u enjoyed, part 3 will be here soon…lol

Stickman says:

Comments to follow when my killer schedule allows.