Readers' Submissions

The Brainless Bint

  • Written by Papa John
  • December 5th, 2003
  • 6 min read




Ok, I’ve done it again. Every time I visit LOS I plan not to stick to one lady, but have fun with loads like my mates, but there must be something wring with my genes. Also it may have something to do with my age.

Anyway, I had one lady from Midnite in Soi Cowboy, and found it profoundly unsatisfactory. So I thought I would just enjoy Bangkok, with all its wonderful entertainment, and if a lady came along, just enjoy the interaction but no bedroom Olympics.

So I’m sitting at my favourite outdoor restaurant, and I’ve had a really enjoyable night, when along comes a lady. She passes by with her friend, we all smile at each other, and maybe a minute later they do an about turn, and she makes a bee line for me. Well, she was pretty and seemed to like me a lot (she told me afterwards that she liked my smile, and she was usually too shy to approach a farang so she took a deep breath and turned round to sit by me). We chatted and I fell for it.

I must say I love the getting to know you bit. All about the family, her story, my story etc. We are together a few days, and I know by now that she is not too bright, but she is very loving, and for some strange reason she thinks a hell of a lot of me. Well that’s the best aphrodisiac for me, I don’t know about you guys, but that really gets my juices flowing.

In the meantime my mates had gone on a tour of Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia, but after a few days they returned, and I agreed to do the Bridge on the River Kwai trip with them. I did not want my lady friend to come so I told her she could use the hotel room, but I was leaving at 6.30a.m, and would return about 7p.m. OK, she would wait for me.

We had a good trip, and returned a little weary at almost exactly 7 p.m. As I jumped from the bus, she leapt on me and hung onto me as if I was a long lost relative. The tears were flowing down her cheeks and amongst heartrending sobs she asked why I had been so long. WTF ??? It turns out she had expected me back at 7.a.m.!!!!! I had told her we were going by bus, and train, and a raft on the river, but she had expected me back in 30 minutes from the time I left !!!! My jaw hit the ground, and my mates were crying with laughter. Now I knew for sure she wasn’t exactly a logical lady. A bit slow in the brain department, but ever so loving.

One more little story to emphasise my point. We went to Roi Et, her home city, and hired a pick up truck. (I have another story about that which maybe I’ll submit later).

Before hiring it I tell her in no uncertain terms that she must direct me wherever we go. I haven’t a clue with Thai script so I’m lost after a few hundred yards. She tells me OK, no problem.

So we jump in the pickup, and off we go. After about a kilometre we're lost, and still in the city of Roi Et going round in fucking circles. Well there’s fuck all fuel in the thing before we started so I’m getting really on edge, and then I see a fuel station. She tells me not to pull in there but wait for another (don’t ask, I don’t know either), I politely tell her to fuck off, and pull in. Now I have a problem. I can see the pumps, but I don’t have a clue what’s in them. She’s no help. I need diesel for the truck so I bend down to sniff the pumps, and along comes a Thai guy and slams a nozzle in the truck. Thank goodness it’s not self service.

I insist she asks him which way to her village at Baan Fang near Amphur, and we find it’s in exactly the opposite direction from the one we were going. Well I know she does have a brain, but I am in doubt about it’s overall capacity.

Thanks to the fuel guy we find our way to the village which is about 50 kilometres away, but now we have to come back. I explain to her that I want to leave before dark, because when she doesn’t know her way it will be doubly difficult in the dark. She informs me quite forcibly that she can indeed find the way back, no problem at all. Well I took her word for it, so I can’t be that clever can I? I should have known she wanted to stay as long as possible with her 2 children and her mother. I also know from past experience that Thais will, in general, lie their little arses off to get their own way without thought to the consequences later. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. After all Roi Et is not such a big city, and she’s been there before.

You fucking guessed it. We hit Roi Et, and it’s full darkness, and we’re going round in circles again. I’m as mad as fuck, and keep stopping for her to ask the way, and this was the clincher for me. We stopped about six times, and had instructions each time which took about 30 seconds to explain. The first couple of times we got directions I set off with my confidence high that we would be at the hotel within a few minutes. Believe it or not, after one turn we were lost again. Every time she got directions she lost us after one turn !!!!!!! I found the hotel by luck. I’m sailing along with my blood boiling, pass this turn, and happen to see it out of the corner of my eye. Brakes on, into reverse, and make the turn. What a fucking relief.

I kept her with me for the rest of my stay, because she did have some very endearing attributes, but as you can probably guess, we didn’t have any meaningful discussions about the way of the world.

For the rest of the stay she was my little “Brainless Bint”.

Funny that, I always seem to acquire a farang nickname for the ladies I stay with. They are not always made up by me. One was “The Pig with Lipstick” (not my choice), and another was “The Masai Warrior” (mine). Isn’t life great?

Stickman says:

These words of yours are absolutely spot on "Thais will, in general, lie their little arses off to get their own way without thought to the consequences later". But that aside, this was a funny story!