Stickman Readers' Submissions December 12th, 2003

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes 25

If you ever have some spare time one day in Bangkok; instead of playing snooker with some nitwit in Frankenstein shoes, or sitting around the hotel pool one more boring time; go over to Foodland and buy a can of peas. Bring the can of peas back to your hotel room. Open the can and take out a pea and throw the rest away. Now put the pea on your desk top and sit down and really look at it. Blow on it a little so that it moves around. Poke at it with your finger to get a sense of its weight. Pick it up in your hand and heft it to better know it. Now you know the size and the weight of the average maid's brain in the Nana Hotel in Bangkok. Their brains are the size of peas! Last night for the fourth year in a row I tried to get them to tell me where the tall step ladder is in the hotel. I knew one existed because I have been through this many times before. You should have been there. It was like trying to get a dog to decipher the Rosetta stone. Academy Award winners in Hollywood couldn't have projected more complete incomprehension. I have a very small step ladder that I use for shower games with bargirls in the bathtub; but for this mornings Traditional British Tranny Breakfast I need the tall hotel step ladder. So last night around four in the morning I was using the hotel service elevator and skulking around all the floors and all the stairwells and all the storage areas looking for the ladder. I found it. Now the eyebolt is in the ceiling over the bed and a rope is hanging down. But it wasn't easy. When I put the ladder up on top of the bed and then climbed up with the power drill; the whole situation was way too wiggly. So plan B was to move the bed. Impossible! The bed must have weighed 1000 lbs. After the last world-ending atomic bombs have fallen, the only things left on earth will be roaches and the beds at the Nana Hotel in Bangkok. So I had to tear the bed apart. Horse out the king size mattress, tear out the slats, etc. Put the ladder inside the frame, etc. None of this deconstruction would be necessary if the mamasans would send over post-op trannies like I request; but sometimes they send over pre-op trannies–then I need the rope hanging down from the ceiling. You can't get reliable tranny delivery like you used to.

So anyway, the eyebolt is in the ceiling and the rope is hanging down and the bed is reassembled. It is the morning of my last day in Bangkok and I am going to start the day off with Dana's Traditional British Tranny Breakfast. My last day in Thailand is always a no pressure, slow, relaxed day. No sex. I'm too tired–mentally and physically. Just a nice breakfast followed by puttering around the room and erranding around the neighborhood. I've got my marmalade, my bread, my toaster, bleach, a bucket, a sponge, a towel, and some British sausages. Most of this stuff I picked up yesterday at Foodland. Oh, I also have a roll of duct tape and an adjustable polyethylene Elizabethan dog collar–sized medium. These have a velco closing system and a padded neck edge. Most trannies have pencil necks, so a medium sized dog funnel is just right. Think Airedales. I had to go to a veterinarian to get the dog funnel. You know what they are. If your dog has surgery, they send him home to you with a ridiculous funnel over his head so that he can see forward but he can't reach back to lick or bite or tear at his surgical stitches. Well, we are not going to operate on the tranny; but she'll need the collar. You'll see why. I used to buy a toaster every year but using a toaster just once and then leaving it behind started to offend my Puritan thrift sensibilities. So then I started bringing a toaster to Thailand every year. But lately, that hasn't been such a good idea because a metal box full of little machinery things looks like a bomb when going through luggage X-ray. So now I am back to buying toasters. Anyway, I am ready–all I need now is a tranny.

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Knock–Knock! Oh, there she is now. Her name is Fon. She looks hot but she looks tired. She's probably been up all night servicing clients, or doing drugs, or picking pockets on soi 11. No matter, she looks good and this isn't about sex anyway. All we are going to do is have breakfast. I strip her and lay her down on the bed. I tie off her arms and her legs with short pieces of rope that go to the bed corners. I put duct tape over her mouth and put the dog collar over her head. I can see that she is a pre-op so I use the rope hanging from the ceiling to tie her little Thai penis up out of the way. I hate penis in my marmalade. Maybe that's just me. You might feel different. Then I have to shave her. She is already shaved in the pubic area because she is a working girl but for breakfast I like to be clean. The shaving is boring and time consuming but it is OK–it's all about coming down and relaxing on my last vacation day. Once shaved I clean the area with bleach. I used to use a sponge or a towel and try to do it gently but there was too much screaming. When the bleach hit the open wounds left by the shaving sometimes the trannies would jerk and scream. Hence the need for restraints and duct tape. Sometimes they would arch with only their heads and their heels on the bed. The dog collar is so that I don't have them following me around the room with their eyes. This isn't about the two of us–it is just about me. So anyway, gently sponging on the bleach was too much torture for both of us; so now I just pour it into a bucket, and throw the whole bucket on their pubic area at once. One arch, one silent scream, some seizure-like thrashing; and then we are done. Now the marmalade. I have learned not to keep the marmalade in the refrigerator. Too cold. Remember when you used to go to the doctor's office and he would put the cold stethoscope on your chest and you would jump? Same theory. So I put room temperature marmalade on. I dump the whole jar on their groin and spread it around. That's why you want a post-op, rather than a pre-op; too messy and unattractive to have a penis in the marmalade. Hence the eyebolt in the ceiling and the hanging rope. Heh, I am just trying to be helpful. Then you add sliced bangers to the marmalade. I recommend very small pieces and not too many of them. The different colors look nice. Now for some toast. You want to buy bread that will toast up stiff. Because you are going to use the toast as a kind of scraper. I recommend the small size toasts and crisps and crackers popular at embassy parties.

I find the British marmalades and toasted bread products and sausages the best. I use bangers by B. Leaning & Sons, or by Wells, or by Viking. Since you can't heat them or cook them you want to get fat-free, skinless, micro-wave size pork or beef. I like sage flavoring. Tastes vary. Marmalades come in all flavors from Quince to Gooseberry. I like orange marmalade with bits of rind and sugar bits that crunch. The dark bangers against the orange marmalade highlighted by the trannies dark skin is pretty. A lot of good eating is good presentation. If you can eliminate tranny jerking and screaming and get a nice visual presentation you've got something. You can eat with just one piece of toast–open face Danish style; or add a second layer of toast–closed face American style. I may put out a tranny breakfast recipe book. I like the scraping sound as you drag the toast or crisp or cracker across the pubic bone.

While the bread is toasting, I spend the idle time packing. Taking things out of the closet and off of the hangers and folding them and putting them in my bags. Trying to make decisions like do I want the heavy stuff on the bottom or do I want the heavy stuff on the top. Whoops–there's the toast! Ah, perfect. Very stiff. So now down to the groin that has been attractively outfitted with marmalade and bangers; scrape a piece of toast along the pubic area and eat. Excellent. Very, very tasty. And very attractively served, if I do say so. I have been having breakfast like this for years on my last morning in Bangkok. It is one of the little traditions and habits that gives my life meaning. Fon has fallen asleep. I am happily toasting and scraping breakfast off of her groin and eating; reflecting, calm, happy. That is another reason why the duct tape and the restraints and the dog collar are good ideas: it just completely takes the tranny out of the social mix. They often fall asleep. The thrashing and the jerking and the screaming and the talking and the eyes following you around the room can be so offputting when you are just trying to start the day in a civilized manner. So what with toasting and eating and packing; Dana's Traditional British Tranny Breakfast usually takes about an hour. What with mamasan fee, tranny cost, and miscellaneous expenses; it's about 4000 baht. I recommend it.

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Now be honest. When you first started reading this and you saw the word tranny as in transvestite I'll bet you thought you were going to read something naughty or sexy or deviant. Maybe that is a reflection on you and how your mind works. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Nothing deviant or unusual, just breakfast in Bangkok. Once I run out of toast I clean the tranny up and dress her. She is usually a little wobbly. In this case, Fon was fine. At the end I always offer the little darlings a 300 baht bonus if they will exit the hotel wearing the dog collar and the duct tape. So next time you are looking at your last day on vacation somewhere; try starting it with Dana's Traditional British Tranny Breakfast.

Now, let's see. . . . Where is that list of things I have to do today?

Stickman says:

If ever there was any doubt that Dana is crazy, said doubt has been totally eliminated.

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