Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes 23

  • Written by Dana
  • December 1st, 2003
  • 5 min read




My Thai T-Shirt Wear

In the mornings and early afternoons when visiting temples and merchants and government offices; I wear my T-shirt that says;

Liars

Cheaters

Weasels and

Thieves

just to remind myself what country I am in.

2. When going into restaurants I wear my Dante T-shirt that says,

Abandon All Hope,

Ye Who Enter Here!

This is the only way I can fortress myself from the Thais indifference and incompetence and poorly concealed racial hatred. In the two years that I spent in Saudi Arabia in the 70's working as a carpenter for a US construction company; never once was I served an incorrect food order. The language and cultural divides between the rural Saudis and the westerners were just as great as between the Thais and the westerners. The Thais could get the food orders right but they don't want to. They wilfully screw up the food orders as another minor battle against interloping westerners. Skirmishes in a war called the Future. A war they can not win.

3. From around 4pm until midnight I wear my porn star Kascha T-shirt. Half Tahitian and half Swedish she is everything an Isaan girl is not. With blue eyes and golden blonde hair her Asian face tells every Isaan girl what she will never be. When questioned I tell the bargirls that she is my girlfriend. You should see them ratchet up their attentions to compete!

4. And when visiting previous girlfriends I wear the T-shirts that I have had made up that have their faces on them. The bars erupt when I walk in. The girls think they are movie stars.

So that's it for me–a typical T-shirt day in Thailand. Spreading good will and love wherever I go.

5. Oh, I almost forgot. I also have a T-shirt that says;

Fuck-Off

for all the massage touts, taxi retards, whore touts, Indian tailors, begging monks, tuk-tuk criminals, police on the take, rude mamasans, ignorant immigration officials, and bar and beach salesman selling hand painted pictures, boiled eggs, shells, jewelry, watches, fruit and flowers.

So that's really it. My T-shirt wear in Thailand.

6. Oh, I almost forgot. I also have a T-shirt that says,

Don't Hate Me Because I Am A Rich American

I wear this to embassy parties and brunches, lunches and teas at the Regent Hotel.
and. . .

7. I have a T-shirt that I keep in the glove compartment of my car that says,

Your Pants Are So Tight
I'll Bet There Is No Room
In Your Wallet
For More Money. . . !

I put this T-shirt on when the Police stop my car. Works for me.

8. Here is another T-shirt that I used to use more than now, but it still comes in handy–especially around Japanese tourists:

If You Are Close Enough To Read This–
You Now Have SARS

It is a fun shirt to wear around hospitals too. Heh, it's all about fun.

9. This shirt gets a lot of comment and Thai facial reactions–

Once You Go White and Short,
You Never Go Back!!

I wear this shirt in discos.

10. This T-shirt is either a conversation starter or a conversation killer–depending on the audience.

AITFB
(Aids is the Final Bill)

I like to take that shirt to those ex-pat bars where they all think they are so kool. You know, the places where everyone was in Vietnam and everyone was a hero but they didn't get their Congressional Medal of Honor because, "It's All Politics, Man!"

11. And finally–I wear this shirt so that I do not forget my personal mantra.

So Many Women
So Little Time!

I wear that shirt to Chula University Sorority Luncheons.

Oh, and I almost forgot. I wear the following shirt into bars where I want to make new friends.

My Name Is Dana
I Am From America
I Am A Tourist
I Am Single
My Hotel Is Across The Street

So that's it, guys. My morning, afternoon, and evening wear; both casual and formal in Thailand. I have seen other attention getting shirts like 'It Takes Leather Balls to Play Rugby' but I don't think shirt wear like that is Thai-theme sensitive. I try to be sensitive to my surroundings. Yup, that's me. I'm all about cultural sensitivity. For example: I am now working on a Thai-theme T-shirt idea that is kind of a rip-off of a Hell's Angel shirt–

You wear the shirt when you are driving a motorcycle and the print is on the back of the shirt and it says,

IF YOU CAN READ THIS
THE BARGIRL BITCH
FELL OFF. . !

See what I mean. It's got a Thai theme!

* * * * * * * *


Dana's Favorite Joke

I only have one Thailand joke that I have been telling in the office to every new employee for years. Not once has it gotten a laugh. This is either a reflection on the types of idiots that my company is hiring or a reflection on the joke. I prefer the 'stupid idiot' theory. In another triumph of Hope over Experience, I will tell the joke again. The joke goes like this:

Employee: Oh Dana, that is a beautiful new tie. Where
did you get it?

Me: Thailand

Employee: And Dana that is a beautiful shirt you are
wearing? Where did you get it?

Me: Shirtland

Respectfully, if you do not get this joke; please do not email me. I do not want to know you. On the other hand, if you find this joke is witty and clever and fun–you may email me and compliment me and flatter me at length. Obviously, this joke theme can be expanded to Sockland, Pantland, etc; but that is all a part of advanced joketelling. We have not got the time or the space here.

Stickman says:

Some folks who spend a long time in Thailand start to go a bit funny up top. I didn't used to think it happened to people who came here on holiday, that is until now…