Stickman Readers' Submissions December 24th, 2003

Dogs, Automobiles And Dopamine

How preposterous a dog looks when it pokes its head out of the window of a moving car, proudly enjoying the rush of air through its hair……how preposterous a 65 year old man looks when he walks down the soi with an 18 year old hooker, proudly displaying the nubile young body that looks like a Porsche on a farmyard vehicle…

You go to work in the middle of the night. It takes 20 minutes to scrape the ice off your windscreen. It’s so cold but as you do so, you wish your teeruk was with you. You want to see the look of fascination on her face at the fact that ice grows on everything. You want to see her childlike excitement as steam comes out of her mouth as she breathes the cold air. You know she doesn’t even have a passport…..and in her 26 years, has never set foot out of Thailand. You want her to experience life with you.

He Clinic Bangkok

My job in the UK involves an awful lot of driving….way too much time on the road, way too much time to think. I’ve been trying not to think about LOS too much lately. Because of my job, I have to visit terminal 3 of Heathrow airport on a regular basis, not to fly but to work on site. I go there at the same time on each visit. Every fucking time I’m there, at this particular spot at the airport, a Thai Airways 747 parks itself right outside my window to say hello, it’s a 747-200 series, wing tips gleaming at me through my window. It’s being loaded up with cargo. Later, I will head to a coffee shop in the passenger terminal…..the same fucking aircraft taxis over to collect its passengers and parks right outside the coffee shop window. I swear that aircraft is following me around the airport, taunting me and saying…..’Hello Flummoxed, it’s me, Thai 747-200. Wouldn’t you like to just stop what you’re doing and get into one of my lovely business class seats and come with me to paradise?’………YES YOU BASTARD…YOU KNOW BLOODY WELL I WANT TO!!!! Later, I will head onto the M25, right under the flight path of Heathrow…..the same fucking aircraft roaring overhead and shouting…..’Flummoxed, I’m leaving, I’m leaving, come with meeeee…..I’ll be back tomorrow if you change your mind’……I nearly crash my car as I watch it disappear into the grey skies of England, heading for paradise.

I head North for Scotland on another lengthy journey……with so much time to think. After losing count of cats eyes at about 13 gabillion, my thoughts turn to my teeruk, Thailand and unanswered questions, questions that don’t really need answering but hey! I’ve so much time to think, right?….

I’ve come to the conclusion that Thai women really do not have any idea that time’s heady flow means that there is past, present and future. They only perceive spacial dimension, liquid, solid, gas……. the highly evolved concept of time has not yet hard wired into their brains. I propose the following experiment. Make them the following offer……..

CBD bangkok

1. They can take 10,000 baht from you now…..and that’s it.
2. They can take 1 baht from you now and after 1 year, they can take 1,000,000 baht.

I haven’t the slightest doubt that they would take the 10,000 baht immediately and not even consider the second option. They’re children. They’re thick.

Why am I writing this article? It’s to point out that all the hours I’ve spent thinking about this has only got me back to where I started. There’s no convoluted explanation. They’re thick…..we are animals. (the ‘them and us’ theme is unfortunate)

Men like to fuck. They can’t get laid in the West so they go to Thailand where the sun shines and the women are beautiful, cheap and readily available. Some Westerners live there and have a never ending holiday….and they fuck. Older guys go there because they can fuck the women….cost effectively. Don’t give me some crap that you go there for a holiday because you could go anywhere in the world for a holiday.
When you fuck a Thai hooker, you get the full package….beauty, girlfriend, kissing, holding hands…..real value for money…..and that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it… and $$$$$. They say money can’t buy you happiness, maybe that’s true but it’ll buy you a boat big enough to sail right up next to it.

wonderland clinic

Why do dogs like to stick their head out the window of a moving car? Because it gives them pleasure. When they do it, dopamine is released into the reward centres of their brain…so they like to do it.

Why do farangs fuck, sometimes because they love hookers? Because when they sleep with them, dopamine is released….blah blah blah. Love releases Dopamine blah blah blah… we like to fall in love with easily available women because it’s a quick and easy fix of Dopamine.

I came to this rather depressing and simplistic theory somewhere around Manchester, about the halfway point of my drive to Scotland…..I started counting cats eyes again.

I woke up one day a couple of weeks ago, and remarkably, my attitude towards LOS had reversed pole overnight in my sleep. The thought of living there again repulsed me. The thought of marrying a Thai girl and forever looking over my shoulder and checking my wallet sent a spine chilling shudder through my nervous system. The thought of my presence there being at the whim of underpaid and corrupt officials, and always carrying some ‘bribe money’ wrapped in my documents, makes me feel like I’m living in the dark ages. The thought of strolling around the home village of my teeruk and enduring the stares and comments from the village folk that ‘she must be a whore if she’s with a farang’. Her parents seem like decent folk, I haven’t yet seen any evidence of a financial agenda from them……I monitor this situation carefully…how sad.

She’s a good gal with cash. She’ll bargain to the n’th degree. The vendor will shout at her…’you have a Farang boyfriend! Why do you barter so hard!’ My blood boils.

I’ve become a nasty piece of work at home. The way to deal with the Thais is to smile and circumvent their simple tricks and get the better of them…..the way to deal with people in the West, I’ve recently discovered, is to blow a fuse, get nasty, insulting and barge your way through situations until you get what you want. I’ve become really good at this. Example, I recently ordered breakfast in a supermarket near London. After 30 mins, it had not arrived. I went to see the staff and without any diplomacy, told them what a bunch of breathtakingly incompetent fuckwits they were and to give me my breakfast now, or I would unleash a wrath so unthinkable that they would never be able to look at a breakfast again without remembering the awful thing that I had done to them. The spotty little prick that called himself the manager brought my breakfast over personally and it’s always been served quickly ever since. Use the same tactic in LOS and you’d die of starvation.

In spite of the fact that as a Westerner I am viewed as nothing more than a sex tourist and an opportunity to supplement the income of any number of those little brown monkeys, or any one of them who wants to have a pop at the ‘riches’ within my wallet, be it friend, man on the street, whore, girlfriend, family of girlfriend, police, waitress, hotel maid, bloke who sells the tickets at the Grand Palace……I will return to that Land of Sponges because I promised I would return to her and I keep my word. What happens after that is speculation. She’s working hard to repair some damage she did, credit for that. Maybe I can learn to love LOS again. If not, move on.

Reminds me…..the guy who sells entry tickets at the Grand Palace to the tourists is running a scam…..and he’s the only little bugger in LOS who has got the better of me in all these years. He’ll wait for the right circumstances. I went there with a newbie to show him around. I paid for both tickets but my friend handed me 200 baht for his share. I had paid with a 1000 baht note. In the confusion and heat, my subconscious told me that this 200 baht from my friend was the change from the ticket guy. He saw his opportunity…..very quickly and loudly, he beckoned the next customer to the window, forcing me to walk away…..and once I’d walked away, I realised he still owed me 600 baht in change but it was too late, I had stepped away and the transaction was closed. I pointed out his mistake but he just shouted angrily at me ‘I give you already!’. I was furious at myself for letting myself be ripped of in such a simple way……and the Grand Palace was the last place I expected it to happen.

In the country I had come to love and the people I adored, how ironic that it’s those same people that have spoilt it for me…………..Hmmmmm, Malaysia looks nice all of a sudden……

Stickman says:

If this is what a cold Farangland winter does to you, I think I’ll stay here. Man, you’re bitter big time!

nana plaza