Readers' Submissions

The Grass Is Always Greener

  • Written by The Tuner
  • November 27th, 2003
  • 15 min read




Day 1. Arrive BKK Airport. Too smart to use normal Airport Heavily touted taxi, so walk with bags sweating profusely to departures end. And after haggling and jostling etc etc, gave up and got ripped off 1300 Baht for trip to Pattaya.

Arrive Pattaya where previous friend has informed me the cottage is the place to stay near all the action. This is near Big C Supermarket. Driver doesn’t know Big C supermarket. So after several hours stopping and speaking to his long lost and new found friends, takes me to big C Supermarket. And drops me off with bags and I am still sweating profusely.

Ask 327 locals (all smiling) where is the Cottage Hotel, and no one has heard of it. But the local taxi pick up will ask his friend to come who knows everywhere. Friend arrives he has never heard of the cottage. But he has heard of Big C Supermarket and this is it, but there is another at soi 2. Off course I will have to pay the supermarket charges as listed on he board or he and all his family will starve by the end of the day. And yes the majority of his immediate family live in the taxi pick up and are awaiting my inspection.

Eventually this turned into rip off for 60 baht, an hour’s trip around Pattaya where he is busy showing family the sites and carrying out various tasks. Arrival at Big C (Centre shopping Centre) shows signs for the cottage and straight in.

My friend gave me the details and he is booked in later as he was here before for holiday, the friends name is not known to staff and that rate is only for one legged cows with all family staying in same room. For stupid farang turning up this late and not booking the rate is only 650 Baht a day. Cottages seem ok so pay for one week. After day one wished Id found somewhere else. Nothing wrong with cottage ish.

Toilet and basin so close you need to bend your knees to wash your hands and brush teeth, better still save time and do whilst carrying out sitting down task as the toilet was invented for. Strange that the shower next to it is massive and nearly as big as the bedroom, with cold water from the hot tap, and warm water from the cold after leaving it on one hour. Also noted they had Kindly stuffed 70 percent of the edges of the open to atmosphere grilled (No Glass) windows (2 of supplied) and surprisingly the majority of Mosquitoes were kept out for 90 percent of the time. The stuffing was toilet paper and plenty available.

Other than that a pleasant stay and would recommend it, but book like my mate by Internet and it is cheaper, and possibly cheaper for longer stays.

Night one Sweating profusely walk 327 miles and sweat more. Find my bearings (i.e. get lost) stop helpful 10 baht taxi pick ups with prices range from 100 to 60 Baht for stupid lost farang. Find beach road somewhere near Chonburi and walk 89 miles back to find I m in central cum North Pattaya and the action (Majority) is in south. First go go bar on walking street was showing top side so look’s like crack down not too harsh in Pattaya.

Second day plus night more of the same.

Local suppliers don’t have SATIBO, More natural than Viagara, no headache and works up to 24 hours plus depending on dosage and cheaper.

Found Fatties Diner and Bar, Huge English breakfast I couldn’t eat, Too greasy for me, and a pet hate of sausages cut in half before frying to heat faster as normally frozen or pre cooked. Could not find decent English fry up round this area. Also tried the weekender, nice setting near pool but normal euro breakfast not fry up as I like.

Found Queen Victoria, lovely place, soi 6, free curry and watch the Rugby, meet man who lives within 100 metres of me in UK but now lives here. As I had found fatties diner could not even look at the carvery next day but huge servings. Even informed by new mate that if I wanted short time do it before eating the carvery on Sundays, As I would be unable to after it. Good advice. What struck me was the girlie bars surrounding it, where else on a Sunday can you sit in an English Pub and look out the window to see soi six in full glory for a Sunday pint and roast. Prices reasonable too. Only complaint here would be more tables and drinking space, fills up quickly. Must see and do bar if ever in Pattaya. Guinness and normal draught beers available. Had reasonable breakfast here, But as I am a ten cups of coffee in a morning before speaking kind of guy I ordered a coffee first, then ordered breakfast which included according to Menu a pot of coffee, which never arrived. When asking the waitress for a second cup she informed me it has changed from the menu, so I had to buy the second cup as well. Thai logic at work, if you’ve got a coffee already you don’t need the one from the menu. Another couple sat near me also had this problem, and as per me, paid the two coffees and the breakfast price.

Day four running out of clothes, strange but he cleaner asked me if I wanted the pile in the corner washing and they disappeared. Find laundry near reception so carry second pile of clothes to there, only to be stopped by cleaner who has laundry bags and have to put in the bag and take to reception. Why they don’t leave bags in the room I don’t know?

Use a 10 Baht taxi and only pay 10 Baht with no complaints from driver/passenger. This must be it I’m now accepted as an old hand. Go to beach for walk, too many hawkers. Drop in bar. Overhear conversation of big English man, been here eight weeks telling newcomer how to go on, another “You don’t want to do that” comedian. As the story unfolded the man had his son with him, had taken a girl from this bar, was now living with another girl from this bar, was actually buying this/a bar, and in one of the stupidest moves I've seen, because now long time girl is not at bar, takes out short time previous bar girl back to room. Told her he didn’t want any hassle between her and his girlfriend. The words Heading for a fall did come to mind. A recipe for disaster unfolding before my eyes if ever I've seen one. For some reason he was traveling to BKK tomorrow for an English bank to get more money? Seemed very strange can’t money be transferred in Pattaya? No English banks here?

Bought amuzingthaicartoons from fatties diner. 350 Baht? Steep, I don’t know. Noticed one cartoon stick out, about real cats pee on beer bottles and real men drink from them. Recently been passed on a story of a woman in Scandinavian country who apparently got weils disease from a boat trip on holiday after drinking from cans that had been peed on by rats. Makes you think doesn’t it. All these outside bars with food etc and bottles left out overnight before you buy and start drinking from it.

Found Sabaidee massage lovely, old job. 700 baht fixed, 100 for room, 100 for drinks, 2000 for girl. Very good but I found this a bit too steep, but tried 1500 and she did not want to know me. Anyway went at about 1330 and she was the only girl working. But very very good. Was gonna put the number here, but I think ill keep it. Do you really want to know someone has been there or how many, I don’t think so.

Go walkabout jump on 10 baht taxi, stay on to Naklua, then tell him I want to go to beach, now he says I should have told him and he wants 50 baht to take me to beach road. Pay ten baht and get another taxi. After shopping at Mikes shopping mall take taxi back to hotel, two Euro old women ask taxi to take them to hotel, 100 baht each quoted and they pay?

Find the action in walking street, soi 6 and 7. Most of go go bars showing, one showing all, some shows, some good some bad. Kittens during the day crap, need to check at night. But no more time in city of fun.

Several other visits shows a lot of Laos, and Chiang Mai ladies around, lovely white skin and taller slim bodies. A couple from BKK, who don’t seem to fit in, one story of marriage to policeman who kicked her out for a newer model et c etc Other same story, but good English and university educated and good fun. Very nice looking women about. Also a lot of normal rough women. Too many katoeys. And I was lost (Honest) when I walked into the boys town area. Outside bars OK, only give the name falang no name to bar girls. Stupidly take girl from Jeffys, near fatties, right on T junction with hotel road where I have to walk and take taxi daily. Now showing bar girls different way to stack wooden blocks for tip over game, and winning a lot of games. Been here too long. E-mail from friend who lives in BKK, he’s now there, so ill pop up and see him soon. Find out rugby sevens in BKK as well so ill pop up for the week end.

Rain starts for three days, take taxi to beach road, which turns off wrong way at Dolphin roundabout, heavy downpour, get off taxi, get wet, cross road and lose shoe half way, great amusement to bar girls over road, whilst stupid wet through farang risks life and limb to collect shoe but at least dried off by several bar girls with 300 12 inch towels, some girls don’t seem to understand that the nether regions didn’t get wet, and spend an amusing couple of hours waiting for rain to at least calm down a bit. Why at this time of year are the hawkers traveling the bars not selling umbrellas. They’d make a killing. Informed most farangs say Chiang Mai wrong. Should be Chiang My (eye) but farangs sound like Chiang Moi. Mental note to say it correctly.

Expect to check out Friday but wake up rough after check out time. Do the walk of shame passed most of the other guests and all hotel staff who have gathered at reception and dining room just to see what I walk passed with and laugh. Made mental note of street with lots of tailors to get some much needed work done to clothes I brought with me. Alcohol induced forgetfulness now set in, and have to find again. (Never did find it again) No laundry as I was taking all to BKK to get done. Need new clothes, seem to get them cheaper if I say “ok keep them here and I will send my Thai girlfriend to get them later’. Practiced the phrase for ‘I don’t understand Thai’ until the Thai ladies tell me I speak it very well. The problem is they don’t believe me cos I speak it so well and keep speaking to me in Thai and I’m now the stupid farang who doesn’t answer them when they speak to me in Thai. (because I don’t know what they are saying. Catch 22).

Search for taxi to Bangkok and find all the ones I've scouted are closed on Saturday morning? Eventually haggle hotel taxi to 900 baht.

Arrive BKK. Sat afternoon. Check in Grace Hotel. Yes I know Arabs, and Africans. No problem to me I work there. (Mid East)Now rooms 875 Bt. But OK. English TV channels etc. looked round the area for cheaper hotels, none. Nana, Dynasty Inn, Grand and several others all 1000 baht plus per night. There is an Indian one with restaurant on Soi 3 towards grace from Nana, 500 baht, Mainly Indians so room service and TV not English, but the room I was shown was fine. So for tight gets that don’t watch TV on holiday try it. Bellboy took bags to room gave 5 baht tip, gave me back, probably insulted. Good.

As always my first port of call the Jool's bar for nosh, as always good meal, ok price, plenty of it, and good expat company and chat around the bar. Popped in here for several evenings and a breakfast. Most of staff changed but pretty as normal. All friendly and ok.

Had 1 x breakfast in the British bar. Somehow a misunderstanding between one extra sausage and one extra bacon turned into five bits of bacon and a bill of 300 baht, Food was very good. Brown toast? Don’t know why. Make mental note to Stop drinking coffee and switch to tea, as all coffee seems to be the treacle sort once delivered even when I ask for light. The sort that sends me running to the bog after each cup.

Popped into Asia Books, at Landmark hotel, seems expensive always. However bought Killing Plato. Had food in lobby one piece of quiche and one pie, quiche lovely and hot, but I wanted cold? Pie cold cos put in microwave with quiche no doubt.

Nana Complex. Eating in Woodstock food ok. Found go gos very expensive. fairly full for this early in the year. 1 x kebab, from store before grace, never again although adequate, got the hot and wet revenge for two days, with ring sting.

Freelancer from outside grace took my fancy, as several did, one even laughed at 500 baht for long time? Ended up with good one, wanted to come back next day but put her off. What with drinking and bed Olympics missed the final at rugby sevens.

Pot of tea in grace lobby whilst reading BKK post. Too weak, abort mission to room for decent coffee, Travel kettle.

Soi cowboy, expensive, where is the fish and chip shop I remember, cannot find anywhere. Drunk. Long Gun show ok ish (Normal) Too many fat bellies, stretch marks on arses and guts and spotty faced teenagers for my liking. In one bar Ripped off 600 baht for hand job by two ladies which was one doing it while one watched. Also informed we would go to Office, which is small bar about 6 foot long at end of normal bar. Never again.

Spent a few hours at outside bars before cowboy, these girls seem extremely young. Found fish and chip shop, but already eaten.

Found and used Annies Massage. First time taxi from street, went up road, said Annies was closed and took me to some other joint. Looked quite good outside, but requested he take me to Annie’s as I requested. Visited again after this. 1700 baht I think. Both times OK. 2 shots per visit. Been emptying my sack so much that the second visit first shot I believe was dry, but went through the motions and the girl didn’t believe id finished.

Darlings used before was 2000 baht and one shot only. Or I was ripped off.

After two days found Eden club. Again great time but I wasn’t up to much. Great two girls who had a laugh as well. Did note while one was working on the other licking and whilst wearing strap on the girl being worked on was near enough holding my head in a strangle hold on her breasts so I couldn’t see it all. Lots of laughs at the guy in the next room who obviously didn’t know his screams were heard by all and sundry. A few yee hahs, and yes that’s it, followed by a mega scream at the last post.

Read the book Killing Plato eventually. Not my cup of tea, I’m afraid. OK. Slow build up. But I did enjoy the end couple of chapters.

On this because I buy lots of books, maps C/DVD’s etc to see and read, I always end up leaving in hotel for cleaning staff. Isn’t there a library or store here for leaving for other short term tourists so they can enjoy. Did note that the Lady right at the corner of soi Nana, nearest the police box, sells second hand books and sells DVDs. Maybe she would take. Left everything in the hotel as normal.

Met one friend in Jool’s bar. Went to Nana, extremely disturbed to find that the best service and looking after we got was in Obsession the Katoey bar. The others were definitely crap. To the extent that after a walk round, a friend wanted to go back, and we did. Only talking you understand. Anyway had a good time and shown post operation pussies etc and what they look like. Found this bunch unusually to be OK for a laugh and a drink. Recommend all pop in for a chat now and again. They certainly don’t seem to have much business in there, probably the wrong night. Wednesday I think.

After second visit to Annie’s for last night in BKK, walked to Jool’s past one outside bar, OK, one across the road, free food, and then the tequila bar, again good food free, and first beer free. Lovely old job. Wished I had more time worth a visit. Never got to Patpong, I normally visit for one night at least, never got to Khao son road, and still never did Stickman’s tour. Lots of things still to do. Next trip maybe. Hopefully after contract in UAE finished in Jan 2004. Early closing never bothered me. Got caught on the 4 drinks maximum in front of you on the bar or all are put into one glass and you have to drink. I tried, but decorated the pavement outside. Sorry. Got drunk in Jool’s, rang the bell for my last night (Big Dave missing). Woke up with Sore knees and don’t remember anything.

Why is it that when one (I) take a lady there’s always a better (More beautiful, erotic, sexy, or prettier) one at the bar or club or gogo. Or at the next bar, or as your walking passed another bar with her. Or with the other farang you passed. Or at the vendors you stop at, or in the taxi. And especially back at the hotel as staff.

The grass is always greener I suppose.

Stickman says:

Probably typical of many people's visits.