Phuket: The Worst Vacation Of My Life

Having been to only Pattaya before I decided it was time for a change and made the decision that Pattaya would not be on my itinerary on my next trip to Thailand. I researched possible locations to visit, Chiang mai, Bangkok, but eventually my interests fell on Phuket. I wanted this trip to be less whore specific, and wanted to focus on just relaxing and hitting the beaches, that and drinking lots of alcohol. I did my homework on Phuket, it sounded like a marvelous island where I could just lose myself and drink myself in to an alcoholic oblivion. So I booked a flight, found a resort through a little internet research and I was soon on my way via China Airlines, once again to the the country where I left my heart not so long ago.

I landed in Phuket on a very cloudy day, evidently it was the rainy season. I always learn my lessons the hard way. It rained everyday I was there, except one day, but now that I think about it I think that one sunny day turned out to be a rainy one later in the day.

Phuket was all in all a disappointment for me. For starters the resort I was staying at was a fucking journey away from everything else, and when I say everything else I mean Patong Beach. Also the resort was just not what I had expected, the pictures on the internet site seem to be a little misleading. In my bungalow the shower had almost no water pressure, it just drizzled out, and the shower's two settings were cold and steaming fucking hot. The shower's hot water was extremely hot you literally could have cooked dinner with it. In fact I would change hotels the next morning solely because of this shower problem.

So I unpacked hit the showers got dressed and headed to Patong. Let's see, I landed in Phuket around 4 PM, and by 8 PM I was completely and utterly wasted.

I was taking shots at one bar when one scruffy looking middle aged white guy approached me and asked me if I were American. He was American, I forget his name but apparently he was on his way to Australia, probably for a new job or something, and they made a stop in Thailand. According to him that was 9 months before. He told me he hadn't really seen any Americans in a few months and felt compelled to talk to me. I asked him what he did for a living and his reply was "It's cheaper to drink than to work around here" interesting perspective I thought. I was supposed to meet him later on that night but we were both pretty wasted when we met so inevitably that never happened.

I eventually found myself at Soi Sea Dragon. Side note: during my stay in Phuket countless katoeys grabbed my junk every night, by day three I didn't even care anymore. At Soi Sea Dragon I found myself dodging and joking the countless and relentless katoeys who were after my junk, I went to a bar, well I was physically sucked in to a bar, by the most beautiful woman in all of Thailand along with her not nearly as attractive side kick. I talked with these two ladies and bought them drinks. Now the whole point of this trip was to be a somewhat wholesome experience, not to be my usually uncontrollable whoring and binge drinking. The thought crossed my mind that I hadn't smoked pot in a very long time so I thought that would be a good way to kick off my vacation. I asked the girls "do you guys smoke pot" I asked them this while motioning my hands in the same fashion if you were smoking a joint.

"Yes we smoke!" was their reply, excellent I thought. Some of you might have figured out where this is going. They tell me they're taking me to their apartment to go smoke, but somehow we end up at a short time hotel, and although I question what we're really about to do, I am pretty drunk so I just go along for the ride. The moment we enter the room the girls are undressing me and the next thing I know they're giving me a blowjob, alternating while the other rams her tongue down my throat and shoves her tits in my face. Suddenly they stop and tell me it'll cost me a 1000 baht a piece. Now I don't care if you're the Pope, when you have the finest women in all of Thailand sucking your dick and and another Thai woman shoving boobs in your face there is no way you're going to turn down this offer. So I end up having a threesome, it wasn't even a good threesome, they kept making me change condoms every time I switched partners, I guess each girl was weary and suspicious of what virus or bacterial infection the other girl might be carrying. Well we finish up and I’m actually kind of upset. I didn't want to come here, I didn't even know where in the city I was, I didn't want to have sex with these girls, let alone pay money for it, I just wanted to get high. I didn't tip the girls and I just kind of took off and checked out of the hotel. A few days later I figure out that the word 'smoke' is slang for giving head in Thailand. So it was all just a big misunderstanding.

Well the next day I checked in to the Patong resort right in the heart of Patong. I got a suite for the rest of my stay in Phuket, which I later regretted because the bill was fucking ridiculous.

I ended up meeting this other bar girl on Soi Eric. I talked to her and hung out with her at her bar, and eventually I told her I wasn't looking for sex but somebody to hang out with and more or less just a tour guide, I reiterated to her that there would be no sex involved and that I would only pay her bar fine and she would receive no other payment for her time with me. She happily agreed and so began a beautiful friendship.

I let her crash at my hotel, since it was a suite, I let her live it up a little. The bad side to all of this was I discovered how mentally unstable she had become. She had only been working in the bar scene for a month, which I believed because of the way she started to act around me. Whenever she'd been drinking we would retire to my hotel, she would spend those nights in bed with me pouring her heart out. About her kid she's supporting, how her ex-husband missed her son's birth because he was with another woman, how she hated whoring her self out. She would cry, and even yell. She would repeat things over and over again, you know how drunk people are. She was always expressing to me her gratitude because she had these feelings all bottled up inside of her in I was the first person she could be honest with.

Keep in my mind, on these nights, I’m just trying to sleep. I’m on vacation, I’m not trying to feel any of this negative shit. Well the friendship escalates in to near fatal attraction, on another drunken night she tells me she wants to sleep with me, and that she likes me. At this point, although she was quite attractive I was completely turned off by her previous nights of borderline psychotic behavior, so I had to pass on the pussy. Eventually I told her I would still hang out with her in the day but that I might be interested in being with another woman at night. She reluctantly agreed to this, and on my first night away from her I brought a Japanese tourist to my room that evening that I met at Club Banana.

The next night I returned to the same club and I found my friend there with the other ladies from her bar. I danced with her a little and then she told me again she wanted to sleep with me that night and that she liked me. It got a little irritating, because once again she was drunk and I had no aspirations of fornicating with her, so I was firm this time and told her I didn't want to have sex with her, and that she was getting on my nerves. Well eventually I had to leave this establishment on account of how persistent she was. She followed my outside and started calling me butterfly, and a liar, oh yeah, I was supposed to go meet her at her bar that night but I forgot, this continued on until finally I got to my hotel and I told security not to let her up. The whole ordeal was embarrassing, I’m just trying to mind my own business and this Thai woman is behind me calling me a butterfly and liar in front of everybody on the street.

The next night she apologizes to me at her bar and we all go to the discos together with some of her friends. Well this night ends up being a repeat of the night before, and before you know it I’m on my way out of the club in to a tuk tuk. Snd what does this bitch do? She follows me in to the tuk tuk, going on about how I am a butterfly and a liar. I feel I don't have to argue with her or explain myself because I made it clear to her before that this was going to be a purely platonic relationship. I tell her to go home but she refuses to so I instruct the tuk tuk driver to take me to Star World, another disco in Patong. We arrive there and she continues to follow me, only now it's really bad because she's crying and yelling at me in front of all of Patong city. People are walking by laughing at me, or just staring with that 'what the fuck?' look on their face. I tell her I didn't want to see her again and gave her taxi money and told her she was drunk and to go home. This goes on for god knows how long, until finally, two older bar girls, whom I’ve never seen before come to my rescue. They ask me what's going on and I explain to them. I don't know what these other two bar girls said but they started yelling some shit in Thai and that was it she left me alone. It was that easy. Here I was for three days haggling to get this girl off my back, yelling at her, cussing at her, and reasoning with her, and it took this one bar girl about 20 seconds. So I end up partying with my two new friends at a club called Taipan, and guess what? They have pot! Later they smoked me down for free, and no they didn't give me blowjobs, I finally got high.

But it doesn't end there, the fatal attraction scenario climaxes later in the evening. I get to my hotel stoned and drunk, I head up to my room and as I take out my keys the door to my room suddenly opens. It's that bitch, and somehow she got in to my hotel room. She told me the manager had let her in. Did she bribe him? I should have contacted the hotel and reported that mother fucker for putting me in such a frightening position. Finally I tell her that it's over, we can no longer be friends, and that she could stay at my hotel tonight but in the morning she was gone.

Of course, once again here I am trying to sleep and there she is babbling and crying, calling me a liar and a butterfly. The next morning I woke up, took a dump, packed her shit for her, woke her up and kicked her out of my hotel. She tried to apologize and all of this stuff, but at this point I just wanted to kill her. I gave her the boot and never saw her again. That same day I walked to a travel agency and bought myself a one way ticket to Bangkok, I decided I would spend the rest of my trip in Pattaya. I had about 4 days left to stay in Phuket, and I decided it was a good time to go whoring. A few weeks after I returned to Japan from Thailand I received an email from psycho bitch. I never bothered reading it and deleted it with extreme prejudice. I heard enough of that schizophrenic chatter, I didn't need to read any of it.

All in all Phuket was a fucking bomb. Why didn't anybody tell me it was the fucking rainy season? I didn't even get to go to the beach. Due to the lousy weather my stay there consisted of drunkenness followed by a hangover, and so on in that fashion until I left, come to think of it, it would have been that way regardless of how the weather was. In between there was psycho bitch and katoeys grabbing my junk. What a blower, but I’m not discouraged, the next time I go to Phuket I’ll go during a more favorable season.

Stickman says:

I started off reading this thinking "wo the hell is this guy", but as the story went on, I actually started to feel sorry for you. While you wanted a beach holiday but found the rain ruined that, I think a lot more of your problems were due to this girl. It is amazing how much shit some people will put up with before dealing with the problem. You are a patient guy to allow her to stick around so long.